Jack Monroe #195 She basically writes fan-fiction about herself

[Sideboard Bob]

There once was a Jack that put to sea
The name of the ship was the Bucket of Tea
The winds blew up, her bow dipped down
O blow, my bully boys, blow (Huh!)

Soon may the Cabal come
To bring us sugar and tea - no rum
One day, when the griftin' is done
We'll take our leave and go

She'd not been three weeks offline
When down came a collab, just in time
The fraus called all hands and they swore
They'd take that grift in tow (Huh!)

Soon may the Cabal come
To bring us sugar and tea - no rum
One day, when the griftin' is done
We'll take our leave and go


Da-da, da-da-da-da
Da-da-da-da, da-da-da-da-da
Da-da, da-da-da-da
Da-da-da-da-da-da

Before the slumlord's sad granddaughter
The rat's tail came up alongside and caught her
Arthritic hands to the side, boarded and fought her
Then she decided to go (Huh!)

Soon may the Cabal come
To bring us sugar and tea - no rum
One day, when the griftin' is done
We'll take our leave and go


No recipes cut, no land chicken freed
The Cabal's mind was on her greed
But we belonged to the whaleman's creed
We took that ship in tow (Huh!)

Soon may the Cabal come
To bring us sugar and tea - no rum
One day, when the griftin' is done
We'll take our leave and go


Da-da, da-da-da-da
Da-da-da-da, da-da-da-da-da
Da-da, da-da-da-da
Da-da-da-da-da-da

For forty days, or even more
The tweets went slack, then tight once more
All Patreons lost, there were only four
But still that grifter did go (Huh!)

Soon may the Cabal come
To bring us sugar and tea - no rum
One day, when the griftin' is done
We'll take our leave and go


As far as I've heard, the grift's still on
Poverty no' cut and the sideboards' no' gone
Then Manc Bee makes his regular call
To encourage our Poca, Cabal, and all (Huh!)

Soon may the Cabal come
To bring us sugar and tea - no rum
One day, when the griftin' is done
We'll take our leave and go

To bring us sugar and tea - no rum
One day, when the griftin' is done
We'll take our leave and go

I honestly thought the challenge of a Sea Shan’ty might finally grind these threads to a halt for a while. We’d go silent for 24 hours trying to come up with something, then sheepishly return, realising that although the cabal spans the whole globe, none of us are at sea and we’d have to admit defeat.
Long story short, you are a genius

 

[Hollaaa]

I hope Jack stays away. I don’t care why she is (although I am more inclined to support the view she is on a sock puppet and will hail her own glorious ‘return’ at some point). Her Patreon is still live and the Twitter tip jar etc - if she was turning over a new leaf, they would have to go.

Grifter Hattie should be ashamed of herself but of course these people don’t have any shame or they wouldn’t be so brazen to begin with. If you are still reading, Hattie - pay your fucking way, like the rest of us. Your review, in your shitty online magazine, which is barely more than advertorials of dubious products by your own “PR company” and has almost zero reach and no influence whatsoever, does not constitute fair payment to that company that has barely been able to trade for 18 months.

A bigger bunch of charlatans and frauds would be hard to find, the the social media scroungers. Fucking shameless wretched people.

I mean ffs it's not like influencers don't just treat it like a business expense and write it off anyway. Why hurt the small business financially and insult your audience by doing a review that's not impartial? Oh yeah, it's because they're entirely lacking in any sort of integrity. Shameless is absolutely spot on, @FlashBoof dear heart.

 

[Mr Krabs]

Just saw an ad for James May's new cookery show that starts off with "I can't cook".

Really getting up in her niche now.

 

[ThunderClapForCapers]

Can we just take a moment to think of NotJack on this auspicious day. No IG posts for 10 days and a total of just 2 in June. After 9 in May, 17 in April, 26 in March and a cracking 63 in February, I do hope they are not losing their mojo at the same time as our heroine.* To lose one culinary icon may be regarded as a misfortune, to lose two would be quite illuminating. Does this finally answer the question that has split the cabal since the Linda McCartney omnishambles?

* Please note the spelling before bowling back in again @Jack_M

 

[Toffee finger]

Thanks @traumatised sideboard!

I wish her drawing of Nigellas garden was one of the projects she actually completed. I’d loved to have seen it

 

[MancBee]

Her cakes often look like those eco-friendly logs you can buy for wood burning fireplaces. Probably just as dry too.

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I am rubbish at baking, most of my attempts at the lockdown staple, banana bread, came out looking like housebricks. My lime and ginger cake looked even worse, like one huge rock bun, but it came in useful for trifle sponges.

But here's the thing, I am not touting them about as a recipe for others to follow. I am not trying to make money as a cookery writer. I am not attempting to pass my cakes off as something delicious. I own up to the fact that they were rubbish. Jack seems to be oblivious to the fact that all her cakes are dreadful, and is bizarrely proud of what she has produced.

I didn't waste any of the cakes though. To be fair they tasted ok (all except the lime monstrosity), it was just the way they looked. I have decided that my neighbours are the bakers, I will just contribute savoury dishes to the neighbourly offerings.

 

[TurnedUpInTipp]

Mandarin fusili pasta anyone? I think the combination of onions, oranges and warm yoghurt poured over pasta sounds delicious!

Every time someone cooks a Jack Monroe recipe a fairy dies.

 

[HotesTilaire]

I will add my story to the Tony and Guy wall of woe.
When they opened in Manchester mid 90's I thought I would treat myself and told them to just give me something that they thought would suit. I had no style in mind, I went in with collar length hair and gave them a free rein. Big mistake.

I came away with an undercut at the back, covered by a slick asymmetric bob with "I love Cilla Black" longer points at the front with a "choppy" fringe. It was an abomination. Only myself to blame. Worst haircut I have ever had, and believe me, I have had all sorts.

One friend said "It will look alright when you wash it and put a hat on". My mates made so much fun of me I had a No1 all over within a week.

Jack's looks very similar. Undercuts were old hat by the end of the 90's, hardly edgy and cool 25+ years later. To quote Matt of the Forearms, her haircut is "Terrible".

Dear heart Mancus,
This means so much to me. As a student I saved up and decided to “treat myself” to this new T&G salon in Manchester. At the time I had shoulder length layered hair which I dreamed of adding “caramel” highlights to.

Spoiler: Me-rail

Whole afternoon blocked out, I saw the stylist and the colourist, explained it all...it was the “Rachel” type style I suppose.
With wet hair, I couldn’t be sure but I thought it was a bit short. I panicked, but thought I’d best let them finish cutting before complaining. My worst fears were confirmed when I felt the razor on my neck. I meekly said “you are doing the layer aren’t you” with a huff he chopped some kind of line mid-ear. I lost my shit, ugly cried, they got the manager who eventually said I didn’t have to pay, with the colourist shouting “well I wouldn’t do your highlights now even if you wanted!”
I had a very “technically” good haircut which I hated. It was the sort of style which looked good red and I ended up doing a chemist box red dye at home. That summer I sweltered in assorted hats (baker boy brown effort and a baseball one, a straw one” until it grew out

TLR I had the same haircut from the same place at the same time!

 

[Sideboard Bob]

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Her hair in the yellow picture looks so much nicer than in the other one, where the back is all zhuzhed up (thank you @Silver Linings I wanted to use that word but didn’t know how to spell it!).

It’s interesting that she says she’s taking a social media break because she just fancied it. She’s (speculation only) pretty much addicted to Twitter, so for her to not be tweeting for so long isn’t as casual as she makes it sound.

Also, the “Jx” sign-off is new. Is that to distinguish from posts written by Caroline and her Russell Brands?

 

[Hollaaa]

Ooh back in the military round the edges/part time security guard look, I see.

 

[bladiesla]

I see a couple of people quote tweeted that tweet. Who does that with other people's new hairdo's?

As for the hair - I don't really care how she looks/wants to look. But going to expensive hairdressers while doing poverty cosplay irks a lot (though to be fair, not that much around of it while she temporarily LEFT)

 

[Jelly Bean]

On the continued subject of grifting...

Grifter Gladwell has over 30k followers on her twitter and the breakdown advertorial (certainly not a magazine when it’s latest tweets are shilling for CBD lubes and plant based food competitions that no doubt come from her PR company) has 11k followers. Guess what though. The scoundrel has flipped her personal account to private so the glamping holiday will get even less reach now. Shameless. And - frankly, more fool the camping company that threw her the bone to begin with.

Also - Hi Hattie. It’s clear you have caught up here. Just know, we fucking see you. Really not keen on your shit being exposed for what it is, are you. You are no better than Jack and I hope every minute of your #gifted holiday sucks the big one.

So her account is private
Well well.
I wonder what line she span the glamping place to make them bite. It is utterly shameless when companies have been on their knees for about a year and a half. Just because you can do something doesn't mean you should.
I also fail to see the point of her 'review' - as now UK holiday holiday destinations are getting incredibly booked up so she isn't really doing them any favours - just blocking paying customers. Yes the company may have been gullible but she is the one at fault here imo.

 

[PortiaControl]

"It was great value for money because I didn't pay for it, and the staff kissed my arse because they knew I was going to write about it. 10/10"

Also, I presume in these cases the costs just get passed on to actual paying customers. Nothing is going to turn me off a company more than seeing them give out stuff to grifters for free. I'm certain they just put the prices up elsewhere to get the money back. I'm not going to pay for your freebie jaunt!

 

[kachoochoo]

oh god, I've just come across a twitter thread of jack level "weird food things that are actually delicious"

an example from one of Jack's pals (and one of my faves ) there's no hope left for humanity is there?

 

[Eurgh]

Happy Jack Day!
Shall have a piss and a sandwich in celebration, if that's ok with you?

I’ll be thinking about your sad little face.

 

[schmetterling]

Thank you SO much dear hearts for your lovely responses re: shitty narc friend. You are the most kind and insightful group of bullying ninnies I've ever encountered. Much amoré/molé to all of you

Thank you SO much dear hearts for your lovely responses re: shitty narc friend. You are the most kind and insightful group of bullying ninnies I've ever encountered. Much amoré/molé to all of you

Quoting myself like a dickhead to say I'm extending the same love to everyone else dealing with someone who's a nasty piece of work right now. Big hugs Canal x x

 

[LennyBriscoe]

Can we just take a moment to think of NotJack on this auspicious day. No IG posts for 10 days and a total of just 2 in June. After 9 in May, 17 in April, 26 in March and a cracking 63 in February, I do hope they are not losing their mojo at the same time as our heroine.* To lose one culinary icon may be regarded as a misfortune, to lose two would be quite illuminating. Does this finally answer the question that has split the cabal since the Linda McCartney omnishambles?

* Please note the spelling before bowling back in again @Jack_M


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I love the way she just assumed we would want her there for an AMA

 

[EllaEm87]

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Omg I always thought it was a joke

 

[HotesTilaire]

I’m considering counting days. Not personally but there are websites which do it for you.
Days since Dash last seen
Days since Cooper last deployed
Days since patreons should have been sent a thrifty shades of beige exclusive postcard
Days the shopping trolley was sent to the Agents office

 

[heretoreaditall2019]

Academic now, because Companies House has just updated to say the strike off action is discontinued, but if you don't get your accounts in on time (a) you get a steadily increasing fine and (b) eventually they will strike your company off the register which means that everything it owns, whether cash, property, machinery, stock or whatever, then belongs to the government.

Silly question time sorry: it’s fair to assume she has laptops, EarPods, phones, etc bought under the company (and tbh that’s fair enough - she is a blogger and award winning influencer ) that will become property of the crown. Do they actually bother going into the address to retrieve them all?! Imagine if she finally gets those bailiffs she’s spent a decade writing fanfic about