Jack Monroe #195 She basically writes fan-fiction about herself

[Nottonightbabe]

Happy Anniversary

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The little sideboard Jacks!

 

[Veronicaaa]

Winding up her del monte collab by finally posting 2 of the, what, 4? recipes she's done for them. I wonder if it's just part of her fulfilling her contract, ie she was meant to insta post about them DURING their collab not all at once, right at the very end.

 

[Cookiecookie]

Omg I always thought it was a joke

I always love it when people find the truth behind cabal stories they thought were made up. It really is that crazy!

The more I learn about the Breakdown the more I don’t blame Jack for staying the hell away (she should never have accepted the position of writing monthly for them though).

As an actual severe depressive* and music lover I couldn’t resist checking out that list. Here it is if anyone else is curious, so we don’t give them the clicks. I’m shocked that a certain cover of Landslide isn’t included.

(*edited to add. I’m not mentioning the depression thing in a sad-fishing way, I just love that it gives me a legitimate reason/perspective to dismiss everything Hat*ies’s magazine is about ).

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Those songs are mostly awful. Particularly that fucking Toploader one, because my Alexa always thinks I want that one, instead of the (far superior) Thin Lizzy song with that name!

ETa (again) That haircut

 

[Mr Krabs]

TBH I don't think T&G are the sole culprits. I remember the VS hairdressers (ironically the same shop as T&G took over) once cut a school friend's hair. It can best be described as a pineapple.... seriously. Her head became a pineapple. This was the early 80s and even then it stuck out. Perhaps a pineapple is something JM could consider being food based and all ...

As usual, Jack has half-arsed it.

I can see that Jack is attractive, some might say pretty and she is photogenic albeit partially the results of photoshop. However she has zero sex appeal. She just isn't sexy at all. I don't know what makes someone attractive, desirable, sultry or alluring, but some people just are.

I've thought this too. I often fancy women who look like Jack and loved the short hair, tats, and androgynous look in my lesbian days. But she does absolutely nothing for me. I think it's because it's so insincere, and it doesn't really seem like her look. It's like she's wearing a 'sexy butch lesbian' Halloween costume that she bought from a fancy dress shop.

Allegra really does it for me though. I like that she seems comfortable in her own skin. I bet she'd be a laugh.

 

[EllaEm87]

I need an HMRC/ accounts Frau to explain exactly what sort of pickle she’s in and why because I understand none of it! Thankspaceyou

 

[Dogmuck]

Which one is the new hair do? Is that the before and after or is it the same one just redone Or did she steal the merkin pic and photoshop it on to her head. Looks remarkably like one of my lockdown DIY fanny trims, spiky and random.

 

[bowiethesdmn]

Yes, simple and to the point. Manages to use the product she’s being paid to promote. Tuna melt sounds appetising with no unidentifiable slop or leftfield ingredients. Uses a canned product. No outlandish claims.

Oh Jack, see how easy this could have been for your 5 figure collab?

Yes but where is the obligatory five paragraph introduction/derail about how she grew up walking uphill both ways to school and had to carry the Queen on her back as well and only lived in a five bed and had to sell the lightbulbs to buy more sideboards? Poor show, tuna melt person. If your recipes wouldn't look at home in the 'Tragic Life Stories' section of Smiths then why are you even bothering? I bet it takes less than four days to make too.

eta...

 

[Emmapism]

Happy anniversary Cabal! I am filled with regret that I didn't join in the fun until August.

I know I've said it a bunch but I cannot describe how great it is not knowing what Jack is doing.

We don't know anything about her bowel movements, or how many chairs she has, if she's arranged some furniture slightly differently, how many hours she's allegedly been working, what her kitchen looks like now, if she's crying in her living room, if she's been to Asda.....

Who fucking knows!

 

[Veronicaaa]

The fish people are offering her more fish?? WHHYYYYYY?

 

[schmetterling]

And this is why The Guardian will never get a penny from me..

I think Grauniad Jack is one of my least favourite Jack incarnations. Her 'articles' are the usual florid whining about The Poverty or some stupid media event which she trembled and quaked through but proudly held her broad cockney head high, had the last laugh etc etc. She is just so smug, I cannot stand her holier-than-thou MEMEMEMEME style amplified for a national newspaper. I do enjoy some of the comments though

 

[MooBelle]

this reply! I cry!

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needless to say, the hair looks fucken stoopid

I'm confused. Is this a before and after? It looks like two completely different haircuts and neither of them are good.

 

[bladiesla]

I will never not think of Patrick Bateman when I hear walking on sunshine.


The advice of listening to certain songs to deal with your depression is like the advice of putting on a silly hat to get rid of your migraine, or buying new shoes to help your broken leg heal. Disgusting that this is someone's 'professional output' as a 'journalist'.

 

[Jay-cloth Cow]

Happy Jack Day everyone!! May your food be solid and your mouths be non-ouchy

 

[Nottonightbabe]

Jack said of her expensive new bed head "which will no doubt get a bit of an airing over the coming days and weeks!!". Does this mean a comeback is imminent? Will there be a comeback tour with leather jumpsuits, rhinestones and a quiff?

 

[FlashBoof]

Oh no, hope you’re ok CL!

In the whole time I’ve been following Jack’s threads I don’t think she’s ever announced she’s doing something and then done actually done it in a reasonable timescale (or mostly not at all actually ). I think I’ll try it this week with my boss! She was very quick to blame us for not getting work or work going wrong but for someone who claimed she could bash out an article in 10 minutes, it bloody took her long enough!

And it is never ever EVER her fault. It’s always someone or something else. We should have a “Blame List”. It would be as long as the “To Do” list. We all know the famous examples (a vigil, a cut foot, a partner hogging the broadband etc).

I was reminded yesterday as to how she does this as I stumbled across the Guardian article/video about her busking and doing Tracy Chapmen & Bob Dylan a disservice. There was a Twitter thread about people embarrassing themselves thinking their favourite bands were being ‘covered’ by the original artists and it lead me there. Of COURSE she had a sore throat and lost her voice, the day before she had her only high profile singing gig, ever. I am cringing at the thought. It would have been fine to say “Mate, I am absolutely shitting myself - you are Billy Bragg and we are outside a very busy tube station”. But no, it’s all “sore throat - lost voice”.

By the way - “singing in bands for years”? - that is a new one on me...has anyone got any more info on that? I am thinking a bit of drunken karaoke but would love to be proved wrong on that account (with pics/videos). Far more entertaining blast from the past than grot shots in her pants.

 

[Sideboard Bob]

I can’t believe she’s got “social justice” in her bio. I wonder what her first campaign will be? Hopefully she’ll be leading the apparently inevitable class action lawsuit against Toni and Guy as their most recent victim.

 

[HotesTilaire]

you’ve reminded me of the DKL episode where Sir Matt takes the piss out of Jack’s salad with the sun-dried tomatoes being very 90’s. Felt a wee bit sorry for her there. What he said was true, however it was one of her better recipes.

I think they’re a pretty popular salad addition in the UK to be fair.
I can imagine Jack still having the old fashioned 70s chopped boiled egg, slice of ham, lettuce, tomato, grated carrot and salad cream delight. Followed by packet trifle.

 

[ScamSandwich]

Should I buy a bath bomb, a scented candle and listen to some up-tempo 80's shitty music whilst turning to a prune in the bath?

memememememe Had some really shitty health news yesterday. Trying to take it all in and make sense of it all. I have just got over one type of cancer, all clear in a letter a few weeks ago. End of the lockdown in sight, things are finally looking more positive.

Then the doctor rang out of the blue mid afternoon, only to tell me I most likely have another type of cancer. Emergency admission to a London hospital one day next week for biopsies, but my scans/blood tests/physical examination last week are pretty conclusive.

I am always positive about prospects, but even I am finding it hard this time. The thought of going through treatment and operations again just fills me with despair. Fingers crossed they have got it wrong this time.


Thanks to you lot of ninnies for providing me with a distraction, humour and support. It really does help.

I am so sorry to read this and this is indeed a harsh rollercoaster and I can't just find the right words for that.
Just be glad that you have not yourself too much- knowing how caring the group of bullying Hausfrauen ninnies are, we would all turn up at the hospital to hold hands and sing you 'uplifting' songs, there would be guitars and at least one person would hammer one-handed into a shitty keyboard.
I hope we can continue to make you laugh.

 

[ThunderClapForCapers]

Looks as if the book may actually have some content in it now.

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Secret ingredient revealed!! At least we now know how every single dish turns out to be a shade of brown.

 

[MaineCoonMama]

If I were in Chinatown I might have been prepared to see dead birds in the window of a food establishment. Not in K-Mart, where I buy my reasonably priced homewares and fluffy socks.

Absolutely fowl.