Jack Monroe #189 Food Crime Pie

[FunnyFuneral]

Can I just clarify that this bellend is neither disingenuous, and only very mildly mendacious?
I also don’t own any Cotswold stuff, and all my eggs are cooked. Cough. So to speak

Dearest heart Herr Billy of course i don't mean you when i say x I
will in future say not Billy in brackets to make sure there is no confusion xx big sloppy non eggy kiss to ya X

 

[Cookiecookie]

Has she gone from face tuning herself younger to older? These photos are nine days apart.
Can you go that grey in nine days?
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The hair in the top photo looks like someone's taken a felt tipped pen to it. Bottom one is probably (surprisingly) the more accurate

 

[fauxpoor]

View attachment 572973

it's BALAMORY!

I don’t intend this to sound like a face-shame as Jack is a conventionally attractive woman, but her nose - what the fack’s going on? Is it bigger, or am I just used to seeing her facetuned to buggery?

I became OBSESSED with her nose when she did the mel donte live fiasco.
It has spread all over her face!
I am not one given to commenting on appearances but just looked so different.

 

[CuriousCat92]

Sorry @Fruitjack I eat dinner at 18:30 every night but the Onion Police kicked my door in and hauled me off to Onion Custardy. My Onion Solicitor explained that I wasn't personally responsible for the creation of headrush spaghetti and it was all a big misunderstanding so they gave me an Onion Caution and let me go. Anyway, I'm here now and let me tell you, I've been on a ride.

Here are my ingredients (minus the garlic) so you can see the vegan replacements I made should you wish to replicate the recipe. It turns out dried mushrooms can go bad if you have ignored them since 2016 but fortunately I had real mushrooms that I dried out in the oven according to Jack's instructions. To be fair it did actually work but I had sliced them as thin as humanly possible with a very sharp santoku knife. There's no way cack-handed Jack could get them that thin, she'd probs have to get her son to mandoline them for her. I also had to roast the garlic properly since I don't have a microwave and wouldn't want to have to explain headrush spaghetti to the firemen putting out the blaze in my flat anyway.

View attachment 573117 View attachment 573119

There's very little actual cooking involved in this recipe, it's just boiling the spaghetti and mixing everything else together in a bowl then adding the spaghetti. I was able to crush the remaining life out of my mushrooms with my fingers because they were so thin but if you followed her suggestion of cutting up dried mushrooms with scissors or hitting them with a rolling pin you'd be left with huge chunks of leathery mushroom. Looking at the garlic, cream, mushrooms, oil and white chocolate in the bowl I had a brief moment of 'what the duck am I doing with my life'

Here it is before adding the final touches (this is a small rice bowl, I also have massive man hands so please excuse those)

View attachment 573125

And its final form with some fresh parsley and cheese:

View attachment 573126

Verdict: it's hideous. Absolutely irredeemable. Not just weird but actively repulsive. I honestly wasn't expecting it to be quite that bad. There is no possible way that this is not a joke. I've been had. What a mug. I think in my scaling down of the recipe I put a bit too much white chocolate in but then I also think that any amount of white chocolate is too much. A creamy mushroom and garlic spaghetti dish sounds quite nice but even if you just removed the white chocolate, this recipe still wouldn't hold up. It's dry AF. Even the mushrooms are dried duck's saaaaaaaaake.

I'm taking you to Onion Court to sue for damages, Jack. My Onion Legal Team will be in contact shortly.

Full admiration to you for doing this. I have always thought that, on paper, this was the worst sounding of Jack’s recipes. But I would never be brave enough to make it to find out.

 

[HotesTilaire]

I too was caught up in #nosetruthing
The face tuning is what’s behind it all, it is also a nose which looks different from different angles. The face tune trickery is not just cutting a bit off to make it smaller, it’s also the blurring and flesh tone alterations. Which is why it looks so odd in videos.

 

[fauxpoor]

Sorry @Fruitjack I eat dinner at 18:30 every night but the Onion Police kicked my door in and hauled me off to Onion Custardy. My Onion Solicitor explained that I wasn't personally responsible for the creation of headrush spaghetti and it was all a big misunderstanding so they gave me an Onion Caution and let me go. Anyway, I'm here now and let me tell you, I've been on a ride.

Here are my ingredients (minus the garlic) so you can see the vegan replacements I made should you wish to replicate the recipe. It turns out dried mushrooms can go bad if you have ignored them since 2016 but fortunately I had real mushrooms that I dried out in the oven according to Jack's instructions. To be fair it did actually work but I had sliced them as thin as humanly possible with a very sharp santoku knife. There's no way cack-handed Jack could get them that thin, she'd probs have to get her son to mandoline them for her. I also had to roast the garlic properly since I don't have a microwave and wouldn't want to have to explain headrush spaghetti to the firemen putting out the blaze in my flat anyway.

View attachment 573117 View attachment 573119

There's very little actual cooking involved in this recipe, it's just boiling the spaghetti and mixing everything else together in a bowl then adding the spaghetti. I was able to crush the remaining life out of my mushrooms with my fingers because they were so thin but if you followed her suggestion of cutting up dried mushrooms with scissors or hitting them with a rolling pin you'd be left with huge chunks of leathery mushroom. Looking at the garlic, cream, mushrooms, oil and white chocolate in the bowl I had a brief moment of 'what the duck am I doing with my life'

Here it is before adding the final touches (this is a small rice bowl, I also have massive man hands so please excuse those)

View attachment 573125

And its final form with some fresh parsley and cheese:

View attachment 573126

Verdict: it's hideous. Absolutely irredeemable. Not just weird but actively repulsive. I honestly wasn't expecting it to be quite that bad. There is no possible way that this is not a joke. I've been had. What a mug. I think in my scaling down of the recipe I put a bit too much white chocolate in but then I also think that any amount of white chocolate is too much. A creamy mushroom and garlic spaghetti dish sounds quite nice but even if you just removed the white chocolate, this recipe still wouldn't hold up. It's dry AF. Even the mushrooms are dried duck's saaaaaaaaake.

I'm taking you to Onion Court to sue for damages, Jack. My Onion Legal Team will be in contact shortly.

The onion police are making me cry!
Love the size of the portion and your Jack hand, genius!

 

[Flash123]

Not sure if anyone has already seen this. 11mins 45 mins in she suggests blending up a jar of roast peppers in oil instead of tinned tomatoes. WTF, they cost a fortune!

 

[Lumpyspaceprincess]

The problem with FaceTuning is you never know what people look like really. It’s like all those missing people photos on Facebook with filters and pouts. I’d never recognise them.

I have friends who started going grey in their teens/twenties. Get over it. It’s not special.

 

[Mr Krabs]

The hair in the top photo looks like someone's taken a felt tipped pen to it. Bottom one is probably (surprisingly) the more accurate

Maybe she uses that spray on hair from the shopping channel, hence the constant hair changes.

 

[Marwood]

Has she gone from face tuning herself younger to older? These photos are nine days apart.
Can you go that grey in nine days?
View attachment 573032
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It's possible she may just have a patch of white further back - being aggrieved myself by (what I optimistically call) premature greying, there are some partings that make it less noticable, and some that serve rather sudden Ted Danson which is a bit of a shock (so to speak).

As ever though, who indeed knows. I guess there must have been more hair than it looks like in that top knot to produce that much fringe

 

[fauxpoor]

I don't care about octopus energy.
I don't care about her GREY fringe,
or her yellow sou'wester.
I certainly don't care about a single one of her sloppiest of slop recipes,

but I do need to know where IS she?
aparthotel/crappy bungalow/house share/sleeping rough(again)

 

[MaineCoonMama]

Oh, nice one Vlad. I had to click the ad to confirm my suspicions and yes, it's a hair loss concealer. Ta, but no ta very Matt. Much Matt.

 

[Sideboard Bob]

Sorry @Fruitjack I eat dinner at 18:30 every night but the Onion Police kicked my door in and hauled me off to Onion Custardy. My Onion Solicitor explained that I wasn't personally responsible for the creation of headrush spaghetti and it was all a big misunderstanding so they gave me an Onion Caution and let me go. Anyway, I'm here now and let me tell you, I've been on a ride.

Here are my ingredients (minus the garlic) so you can see the vegan replacements I made should you wish to replicate the recipe. It turns out dried mushrooms can go bad if you have ignored them since 2016 but fortunately I had real mushrooms that I dried out in the oven according to Jack's instructions. To be fair it did actually work but I had sliced them as thin as humanly possible with a very sharp santoku knife. There's no way cack-handed Jack could get them that thin, she'd probs have to get her son to mandoline them for her. I also had to roast the garlic properly since I don't have a microwave and wouldn't want to have to explain headrush spaghetti to the firemen putting out the blaze in my flat anyway.

View attachment 573117 View attachment 573119

There's very little actual cooking involved in this recipe, it's just boiling the spaghetti and mixing everything else together in a bowl then adding the spaghetti. I was able to crush the remaining life out of my mushrooms with my fingers because they were so thin but if you followed her suggestion of cutting up dried mushrooms with scissors or hitting them with a rolling pin you'd be left with huge chunks of leathery mushroom. Looking at the garlic, cream, mushrooms, oil and white chocolate in the bowl I had a brief moment of 'what the duck am I doing with my life'

Here it is before adding the final touches (this is a small rice bowl, I also have massive man hands so please excuse those)

View attachment 573125

And its final form with some fresh parsley and cheese:

View attachment 573126

Verdict: it's hideous. Absolutely irredeemable. Not just weird but actively repulsive. I honestly wasn't expecting it to be quite that bad. There is no possible way that this is not a joke. I've been had. What a mug. I think in my scaling down of the recipe I put a bit too much white chocolate in but then I also think that any amount of white chocolate is too much. A creamy mushroom and garlic spaghetti dish sounds quite nice but even if you just removed the white chocolate, this recipe still wouldn't hold up. It's dry AF. Even the mushrooms are dried duck's saaaaaaaaake.

I'm taking you to Onion Court to sue for damages, Jack. My Onion Legal Team will be in contact shortly.

Thank the Lord J Compton you got off with an Onion Caution.

I‘m sure you’re trying to softly, gently, move on from the whole episode, but, we have to know, did you get the titular headrush from the “pungent intensity of the dried mushrooms“?

 

[FrumpyCat]

So she is not 18-24 then?

She isn't , but her errant youth (whoever they are) might be.

 

[bladiesla]

Instagram version:

View attachment 572987

What's with the earlobe?

 

[FunnyFuneral]

What's with the earlobe?

Jack blurry big nose and movable extremities strikes again. She'll have a spare floating eyeball again shortly

 

[Marwood]

Sorry @Fruitjack I eat dinner at 18:30 every night but the Onion Police kicked my door in and hauled me off to Onion Custardy. My Onion Solicitor explained that I wasn't personally responsible for the creation of headrush spaghetti and it was all a big misunderstanding so they gave me an Onion Caution and let me go. Anyway, I'm here now and let me tell you, I've been on a ride.

Here are my ingredients (minus the garlic) so you can see the vegan replacements I made should you wish to replicate the recipe. It turns out dried mushrooms can go bad if you have ignored them since 2016 but fortunately I had real mushrooms that I dried out in the oven according to Jack's instructions. To be fair it did actually work but I had sliced them as thin as humanly possible with a very sharp santoku knife. There's no way cack-handed Jack could get them that thin, she'd probs have to get her son to mandoline them for her. I also had to roast the garlic properly since I don't have a microwave and wouldn't want to have to explain headrush spaghetti to the firemen putting out the blaze in my flat anyway.

View attachment 573117 View attachment 573119

There's very little actual cooking involved in this recipe, it's just boiling the spaghetti and mixing everything else together in a bowl then adding the spaghetti. I was able to crush the remaining life out of my mushrooms with my fingers because they were so thin but if you followed her suggestion of cutting up dried mushrooms with scissors or hitting them with a rolling pin you'd be left with huge chunks of leathery mushroom. Looking at the garlic, cream, mushrooms, oil and white chocolate in the bowl I had a brief moment of 'what the duck am I doing with my life'

Here it is before adding the final touches (this is a small rice bowl, I also have massive man hands so please excuse those)

View attachment 573125

And its final form with some fresh parsley and cheese:

View attachment 573126

Verdict: it's hideous. Absolutely irredeemable. Not just weird but actively repulsive. I honestly wasn't expecting it to be quite that bad. There is no possible way that this is not a joke. I've been had. What a mug. I think in my scaling down of the recipe I put a bit too much white chocolate in but then I also think that any amount of white chocolate is too much. A creamy mushroom and garlic spaghetti dish sounds quite nice but even if you just removed the white chocolate, this recipe still wouldn't hold up. It's dry AF. Even the mushrooms are dried duck's saaaaaaaaake.

I'm taking you to Onion Court to sue for damages, Jack. My Onion Legal Team will be in contact shortly.

So it amounts to a garlicky palmful of spaghetti with leathery mushroom and... And white chocolate.

How... Did this happen? Deep appreciation for your very diligent sacrifice by the way, rest in (mushroom) pieces

 

[lilamay]

I just can't get over the way in the Octopus video, at 00:50, Jack says 'dozz' instead of 'does'. It's like she's trying to sound extra Cockenayy

 

[waffle maker]

Good work. I just popped over to see if anyone had posted the picture of 4 grey hairs but full analysis is here already. I think her skin looks great, probably from the not drinking, but the hair is possibly terrible, but it’s a weird angle.

 

[Shawads]

Why would cutting a fringe make her hair more grey? (I am surprised Yankee Doodle Dandy Jack didn't call them bangs)

#bangmom