Jack Monroe #143 The viggles are all over Del Monte

[Veronicaaa]

View attachment 410306

I would be so EMBARRASSED to buy more than a couple of bags of these. In the olden days, when I used to go to Waitrose at just the right time and all the sandwiches and croissants were being reduced, I would literally make excuses at the checkout as to why I was buying 4 of each. 'Oh ha ha ha!' I would say, 'this should see us all through a few days', as though I was buying for my brood of children at home, when really they were all for me.
I also find it interesting that her little trips to the corner shop to buy her sweets and crisps always seem to happen when SB is not there - almost as though she hates sharing with him.

 

[Jelly Bean]

Fraus, I apologise in advance for this - not just to Queen but also to @TheDragonWithAFlagon, whose glorious version I had totally forgotten about when the NarcLife thread title threw me some opening lines, which turned into an earworm, which I could only exorcise by continuing to write and write and ... in short, in long, I apologise, but it's done now (COMPLETED IT, MATE!) so here:


Chameleon Jacksody

Living the narc life
here in Southend-on-sea
lounging on sideboards,
posting chocolate and rinsing beans

Face-tuning thighs
and scampering about with glee
But I’m still poor so
I need your sympathy

My sauce is queasy cum
So much no
Milked that horse
Dry you know
Anyway the slop flows
Butter really matters
To-oo me.

Mama!
Oh, hi SB.
While I’m snoozing here in bed
Take some pics of my sweet head

Mama!
No, I’ve just begun!
“Catch me sleeping” for the ‘Gram
then go away

Mama!
Nooooooo-ooh!
Gotta rest my ouchy eyes.
If I’m not up again by lunch tomorrow
Curry on! curry on!
(As if mothering really matters)

Too late, long Covid’s come
Sends shivers down my spine
Body’s aching all the time
Goodbye everybody, I’ve got to go
Gotta rest and heal and gently pat a floof

Mama! Ewwwwwww! (any way the slop flows)
I don’t want to die
I sometimes wish beef’d never been corned at all

I see a little silhouetto of a man
(Oh, it’s you SB. I forgot you were here bro...)
Would you like this wet ham
in a nice risotto tea?
And some mayo
And some mayo
And some mayo
And some mayo
And more mayo
Innit tho
Give me some dough-oh-oh

I’m just a smol girl, nobody loves me
She’s just a smol girl, not at all scammily
Give her the cash that you need for heat!

Queasy cum, please Monroe - won’t you let this go?
Blue ticker! No – I will not let you go. (Let him go!)
Nigella! I will not let her go – let her go. (Let her go!)
Louisa! I will not let you go – (Let her go!)
Will not let you go - let her go!
Never let you go - let her go!
Oh oh oh oh
No, no, no, no, no, no, no

Oh my Louisa, my Louisa, my Louisa, never go!

My Bubble Bud has a twinkle in her eye
For me
For me
For me!

[Brief head-banging break]
[Longer visit-to-emergency-room-for-SEVERE-concussion break]

So you think you can troll me and pick at my lies
So you think you can stake out my blurry roofline
Oh, ladies
I’m a’feared for my safety
Just gotta get out - just gotta get right outta here

(Not fair, not fair)

Narcing really matters
And getting stuff for free
Nothing else really matters
Nothing else really matters - to me

Anyway, send doggos …

Brilliant!
I especially love 'I see a little silhouetto of a man, Oh its you SB I forgot you were here bro'.

 

[moosesauna]

If she wants to go hardcore money saving, she needs to read tightwad gazette, 80s or 90s pre internet American money saving. It is interesting or why doesn’t she use money saving expert forums like everyone else. She’d like OS money saving (maybe)

Probably because the people on those groups (especially the Facebook ones) are genuinely shop-savvy, and thus can spot a faker from a mile away!! The instant she showed a Costwold sideboard, they'd pounce on her

 

[TriviaNewtonJohn]

Probably because the people on those groups (especially the Facebook ones) are genuinely shop-savvy, and thus can spot a faker from a mile away!! The instant she showed a Costwold sideboard, they'd pounce on her

But she doesn't buy Heinz beans so she can have all the sideboards she wants!!

 

[waffle maker]

It’s probably been said, but Matt Haig, like Jack, loves to flounce off Twitter.

 

[moosesauna]

I would be so EMBARRASSED to buy more than a couple of bags of these. In the olden days, when I used to go to Waitrose at just the right time and all the sandwiches and croissants were being reduced, I would literally make excuses at the checkout as to why I was buying 4 of each. 'Oh ha ha ha!' I would say, 'this should see us all through a few days', as though I was buying for my brood of children at home, when really they were all for me.
I also find it interesting that her little trips to the corner shop to buy her sweets and crisps always seem to happen when SB is not there - almost as though she hates sharing with him.

I just tell myself that the people on the checkouts don't care about what I'm buying; I wouldn't make a big deal out of what someone's having for their tea (unless they're Jack and paid to publicise it lmao) - I'd be thinking about when my shift's likely to end, and how I could get some cheapo croissants for myself!!

 

[Veronicaaa]

I just tell myself that the people on the checkouts don't care about what I'm buying; I wouldn't make a big deal out of what someone's having for their tea (unless they're Jack and paid to publicise it lmao) - I'd be thinking about when my shift's likely to end, and how I could get some cheapo croissants for myself!!

Oh I know, they don't care, I just sometimes like to pretend to be, like, a doctor's wife with a large family and 2 well behaved spaniels at home, for fun

 

[Missmopps]

Is there any other kind? blummin auto

OT. Noted that my phone will happily change blummin to bumming (how rude!) but shirty takes precedence over crappy.

Phones have strange moral codes. (OT on the secret celeb gossip thread, lots of people are complaining that if they google Lorraine Kelly nude, up she comes immediately in all her 80s glory, but Roger Taylor’s (Duran Duran) big is evading them!

 

[Mel Donte]

Flicking through Tin Can Cook on my library app. Shocking that Jack's parents would serve her and the vulnerable children they fostered this.

 

[Unfluencer]

That’s unmistakably a Wilkinson’s reduced sticker. Knowing her hoards, I doubt there is *anything* in that shop she would need as an essential. Especially on a book deadline.

 

[Susieq22]

DefinitelyNotJack is working hard to show they are Definitely Not Jack. Like Jack, they share the same love for side bowls as serving receptacles and over-saturating green food.

DefinitelyNotJack

View attachment 410222

Jack
View attachment 410221

But peekaboo the fake wood background in the top pic maybe?

 

[moosesauna]

But peekaboo the fake wood background in the top pic maybe?

quick, someone check if that fork was in the Cursed Drawer!!

 

[Veronicaaa]

That’s unmistakably a Wilkinson’s reduced sticker. Knowing her hoards, I doubt there is *anything* in that shop she would need as an essential. Especially on a book deadline.

Also why is she tweeting so much right now when her book's due THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW??

 

[moosesauna]

Also why is she tweeting so much right now when her book's due THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW??

So excited for the inevitable 'sorry guys, no book today, my COVID and ouchy mouth came back ('

 

[Emmapism]

I actually can't wait for the excuse. Jack's random excuses are always hilarious. Like I can't even guess what it's going to be.

 

[Boogs]

Damn i did the same thing recently and bought loads of hot Cheetos. Does this mean we share some taste buds?

Show some sensitivity please. You know she has long COVID and can’t taste anything

 

[colouredlines]

"Hi Jack! Remember when we #gifted you an enormous amount of expensive fish in the hope that you'd make something edible and share it?"

(I squiggled her wheelchair emoji of lies because she is a bleep)

 

[Veronicaaa]

The fish people are so desperate for her to cook some of the fish that's langouring in her freezer that they're suggesting she coat them with Cheetos

ETA is langouring a word?? Google seems to think not but I'm sure it is??

 

[moosesauna]

I actually can't wait for the excuse. Jack's random excuses are always hilarious. Like I can't even guess what it's going to be.

Someone a thread or two mentioned doing a poll to see who was on here, and if we're still doing that we should definitely vote on which excuse she's going to use

 

[FrumpyCat]

I would be so EMBARRASSED to buy more than a couple of bags of these. In the olden days, when I used to go to Waitrose at just the right time and all the sandwiches and croissants were being reduced, I would literally make excuses at the checkout as to why I was buying 4 of each. 'Oh ha ha ha!' I would say, 'this should see us all through a few days', as though I was buying for my brood of children at home, when really they were all for me.
I also find it interesting that her little trips to the corner shop to buy her sweets and crisps always seem to happen when SB is not there - almost as though she hates sharing with him.

My husband gets really embarrassed when I loot the Waitrose yellow stickers.