Jack Monroe #143 The viggles are all over Del Monte

[essexgirl101]

Here with tea if you want it. I’ve created new account as my normal one is identifiable- I know JM personally, went to school with her and until a few years ago would have considered us close. I can safely say you’ve got the measure of her but if there’s anything you want to know... ask away.

 

[essexgirl101]

A very quick summary. At school she was lazy and easily distracted which is why she didn’t get the grades she should have/could have. School was strict and expectations high- I always got the feeling her mum and dad were about keeping up appearances (fostering, daughter at grammar, high ranking firefighter...) and she is a typical middle child. She resigned in a huff from FS even though her mum would have helped with childcare. She didn’t sell ALL her possessions but she did struggle financially. Her and her son used to come to mine for lunch regularly. She’s not a bad parent but again, is lazy so his dad picks up the bulk of parenting.
We’re not friends anymore because I was fed up with being used and never getting even a thank you.

 

[colouredlines]

"Hi Jack! Remember when we #gifted you an enormous amount of expensive fish in the hope that you'd make something edible and share it?"

(I squiggled her wheelchair emoji of lies because she is a cunt)

 

[traumatised sideboard]

What a wild few hours! Fortunately I'd brewed myself some tea earlier using my leftover washing up water and kept it warm under a baking tray. When I said yesterday Jack ought to go out for a walk I meant just that, not going into multiple shops and rubbing herself all over other people's pets.

To tide you over until the tea spilling returns, I have to tell you that after a few people mentioned being unhappy over the lack of an onion chopping song (especially @SweetTransvestite), I slowly, quietly and gently made one. It's not the one we all wanted but sometimes you just have to take matters into your own hands. You might need to crank the audio (I mixed it using headphones not speakers so the levels might be weird) and I recommend watching the video for the words as the speech synthesis isn't brilliant. The way it pronounces 'onion' is hilarious though.

 

[essexgirl101]

Just a note that I’m not going to talk about her sexuality- it’s unimportant. Her relationships have mostly been with nice, sensible women out of the public eye.

 

[HarderFaster]

I know a few years ago she asked to go on Strictly and they turned her down.

Ok this is now the best day of my life 🫖

 

[Puddy Muddle]

Fraus, I apologise in advance for this - not just to Queen but also to @TheDragonWithAFlagon, whose glorious version I had totally forgotten about when the NarcLife thread title threw me some opening lines, which turned into an earworm, which I could only exorcise by continuing to write and write and ... in short, in long, I apologise, but it's done now (COMPLETED IT, MATE!) so here:


Chameleon Jacksody

Living the narc life
here in Southend-on-sea
lounging on sideboards,
posting chocolate and rinsing beans

Face-tuning thighs
and scampering about with glee
But I’m still poor so
I need your sympathy

My sauce is queasy cum
So much no
Milked that horse
Dry you know
Anyway the slop flows
Butter really matters
To-oo me.

Mama!
Oh, hi SB.
While I’m snoozing here in bed
Take some pics of my sweet head

Mama!
No, I’ve just begun!
“Catch me sleeping” for the ‘Gram
then go away

Mama!
Nooooooo-ooh!
Gotta rest my ouchy eyes.
If I’m not up again by lunch tomorrow
Curry on! curry on!
(As if mothering really matters)

Too late, long Covid’s come
Sends shivers down my spine
Body’s aching all the time
Goodbye everybody, I’ve got to go
Gotta rest and heal and gently pat a floof

Mama! Ewwwwwww! (any way the slop flows)
I don’t want to die
I sometimes wish beef’d never been corned at all

I see a little silhouetto of a man
(Oh, it’s you SB. I forgot you were here bro...)
Would you like this wet ham
in a nice risotto tea?
And some mayo
And some mayo
And some mayo
And some mayo
And more mayo
Innit tho
Give me some dough-oh-oh

I’m just a smol girl, nobody loves me
She’s just a smol girl, not at all scammily
Give her the cash that you need for heat!

Queasy cum, please Monroe - won’t you let this go?
Blue ticker! No – I will not let you go. (Let him go!)
Nigella! I will not let her go – let her go. (Let her go!)
Louisa! I will not let you go – (Let her go!)
Will not let you go - let her go!
Never let you go - let her go!
Oh oh oh oh
No, no, no, no, no, no, no

Oh my Louisa, my Louisa, my Louisa, never go!

My Bubble Bud has a twinkle in her eye
For me
For me
For me!

[Brief head-banging break]
[Longer visit-to-emergency-room-for-SEVERE-concussion break]

So you think you can troll me and pick at my lies
So you think you can stake out my blurry roofline
Oh, ladies
I’m a’feared for my safety
Just gotta get out - just gotta get right outta here

(Not fair, not fair)

Narcing really matters
And getting stuff for free
Nothing else really matters
Nothing else really matters - to me

Anyway, send doggos …

 

[essexgirl101]

Questions for @essexgirl101:

1) Was she really bullied at school?
2) How obvious is her lying in real life?
3) Did she ever talk about The Poverty in real life, both during and after?
4) Did she change after she became famous?

Thanks very much for all the tea

1. I don’t think so - she wasn’t popular and the environment at our school was pretty hierarchical so I don’t think she enjoyed school but I don’t think that other girls bullied her per se.

2. Recently, I don’t know. A couple of years ago she’d be having a drama on Twitter one minute but in private conversation not mention a word about it.

3. Not much. No more than any other friend that’s skint. She was more skint that most because she lived beyond her means and that became the USP. At one point she was doing some overseas work around food poverty and I was proud to be her friend then but that all died a death.

4. no, to be fair I think she’s probably still the same but in some ways that’s her downfall. If she was more reliable she’d be far better off, would have been offered more opportunities. I know a few years ago she asked to go on Strictly and they turned her down.

 

[Veronicaaa]

I know a few years ago she asked to go on Strictly and they turned her down.

THIS IS WHY SHE HATES STACEY DOOLEY!!!

 

[essexgirl101]

I would like to know is she really was a sex worker, and whether any of her illnesses/diagnoses are true. I know she talks bollocks abiut every thing but lying about those things is much more upsetting than her bs about finding a scarf in a puddle.

no, she’s never been a sex worker as far as I know. She suffers from bone idleness if that counts?

 

[MancBee]

There seems to be a pandemic in the bird population. A blackbird with red tail feathers, and a bluebird. Thir plumage seems to be convered in oil, making it look like they are made out of rubber. So sad.

Birds die
Don't fly
I cry
Won't lie

 

[PoorPatrol]

Gosh, she just simply cannot ~abide~ photoshop, as we know! Luckily this isn’t photoshopped or Facetuned, just treatment by a really nice “lady doctor” over Twitter.

 

[colouredlines]

I love that over on the Secret Celeb Gossip thread there's someone who claims to have banged half of Hollywood and we're here like, "...but did she really go to the same school as Jack Monroe?"

FWIW I think she's legit. If not, I feel like she'd be more salacious, you know? The takeaway for me is that Jack is lazy and rather dull IRL.

Also let's be honest, if it were Jack herself she'd be like, "I remember Jack walking 14 miles to school only to be sent home for wearing traaaaazers" etc etc.

 

[PoorPatrol]

I keep reading and re-reading the last line and actually roaring with laughter. Surely ‘her wheelchair emoji of lies’ deserves to be in the next thread title.

 

[heretoreaditall2019]

Omg only on page 8 and will defs be duplicating questions sorry guys, but Essex girl was it the Echo’s hard hitting piece of journalism about famous ppl you went to school with that brought you here? Did she have dirty nails in school? I bet she was spoilt? I can’t believe you’ve FINALLY FOUND US HOW??

Wtf guys I’ve got to have a shitting date with my husband whilst this is happening on the internet?! Don’t even want the fucking takeaway now!!

 

[Pocahontas]

Congratulations to @MooBelle for the thread title! Your prize: Jack needs a new admin assistant (preferably one with hands).

She continues to anger vegans and she continues to offend with ill thought out posts on Twitter.

Clock’s ticking for her book deadline, but bae still managed to catch her sleeping with SB.

If you’re new to the woeful world of Jack, check out her wiki page (pink tag in top right of this page).

 

[SoulRebel]

I’m ordering in the Chinese , not going out.

Pour the wine Tattlers

Suit yourself, I've just put a gallon of tea into a radiator to keep it warm for later.
#thriftytoptipsfortea

 

[essexgirl101]

[QUOTE="essexgirl101, post: 3732607, member: 188276"

Out of the public eye? Linda Riley owner of Diva & very prominent/important in LGBTQ- Allegra McEverdy- chef/restaurant owner- former owner of Leon- millionaire- Louisa Compton, head of C4 dispatches, bafta winner- currently on/off living with Ms Monroe.

she’s had at least 7 other relationships and 2 more engagements between 2010-2018

 

[LittleMissMuffet]

Have reservations but here for it...

 

[discokebab]

I can't remember which Frau declined a morning shag because of a JM thread. But I've got similar (as in, same...but evening) on the cards *very* soon but not sure I can pull myself away (I'm on p12)