Jack Monroe #137 NarcLife by Bootstrap Crook

[Whaa?]

Good lord, nobody cares that you haven't posted a 'budget recipe food photo' for a few days, Jack.

Yebbut, Del Monte though.

 

[Captainmouse]

If SB is as kind , gentle and easy going as he sounds she should treasure it .

Must take after his dad.

 

[jenny2603]

It's here https://tattle.life/threads/jack-monroe-133-neither-a-celebrity-or-a-chef.13766/page-26#post-3524472

Having inspected the thoroughly foul image again, I am now of the view that the cat poo is not Linda bangers but Linda veggie meatballs.

 

[LennyBriscoe]

"What are the dumplings made of?" has killed me.

Thoughts and prayers to whoever is on shift doing the LMc socials today. It's going to be a long shift.

They’ll be reaching out to their comrades at LNER

 

[TurnedUpInTipp]

She’ll probably use the spud water gravy two more times like the beetroot water. We’ll see spud gravy porridge for breakfast tomorrow followed by spud gravy risotto.

Momgella is all over re-using spud and pasta water in her new book.

 

[MooBelle]

Exactly. Sorry -- Yes, absolutely x

The balls of this article (and the hair - yikes!)

Jack Monroe: My meat addiction is over – I’ve gone vegan, and it’s brilliant

No hard-to-find ingredients, no complicated recipes, no cruelty: vegan food is affordable, accessible and absolutely delicious

www.theguardian.com

Yet no mention of Greek food. Not in the 'family dinners' reminiscing bit, not in the 'things I'm going to cook and buy now' bit.
Oh and black rice? A luxury? Fuck off, you were with Louisa then you stupid cow.

 

[bladiesla]

Oh, I really want this now! I have everything but the pineapple. Can I use a banana instead?

Serious answer: I would not do it and make something else with banana, as the pineapple is quite integrap to the sweet/sour taste

Jack answer: Yes, absolutely! x Now have told you I was once POOR?

 

[CabalofBolorneaise]

Morning frauen...

On the subject of lactose intolerance - it is possible to be intolerant and still be absolutely fine. I am a living example of this! The production process for making most cheese generally removes the lactose that causes the gut issues.

I cannot go near milk, cream or ice cream (nor can I touch non-cow-milk substitutes because one look at anything resembling milk makes me want to boak) but I love cheese.

As a child of the 70s / 80s I spent quite a lot of time religiously throwing up after being forced to drink the warm milk bottles at school (I know many of us did because they were never properly stored) and being given hot milk by my grandparents...I had not idea it was an actual thing and I just refused to consume it from age 7...before I knew I was intolerant.

Obviously that doesn't negate the fact that SHE MAY BE LYING but I do have to just stand up for the old factettes here .

I was what my mum describes “fondly” as exorcist level lactose intolerant as a very small child, but have mostly grown out of it now as long as I don’t overdo it (the day I ate a whole tub of B&Js as a student because it was the thing everyone did will haunt me forever). I still can’t tolerate a glass of milk or milk sub though as I just associate the smell and taste with being sick.

Lactose particularly seems to have the biggest possible variation, and I’m generally happy to take peoples words about intolerances or something not agreeing with them. It’s when they claim allergies that gets my goat, it undermines it and ends up being quite dangerous for people with real allergies.

 

[LennyBriscoe]

Is her MBE honorary?

Extraordinary more like

 

[gracebevsescapingboobs]

I’m going to get some of this next time I shop , it sounds very nice.

love how Tattle has become a better source for food tips than JM

 

[Readingismyhobby]

It’s got to be Southend, the home of our Lord and Saviour Jack Monroe How many assigned benches would we need, though!

We could search for the famous muddy puddle and well stocked charity shop.

 

[ReginaPhalangee]

I was poking about Linda McCarney's socials and I noticed there seems to be a lot of love for her duck substitute, even from meat eaters. I haven't tried it or actual duck so I can't comment on that but I do think that if Jack sloppifies it, there will be real world consequences from enraged faux duck fans. I am therefore praying that Jack tackles duck next and calls it something abysmal like Softy Softy No Quacko Tacos but it's just a big bowl of brown slop.

tbf the duck is really good and if she tries to ruin it I may have to have a massive hissy fit

 

[Bugger13]

a

I hadn't even seen your post when I typed it so it wasn't a dig!

Tonnes of the East ones are in her columns online. I've made absolutely loads from it or the ones online that aren't in the book. I really recommend her.

Me too. Love her-she does a squash & sweetcorn curry that I’ve made (didn’t have squash so just did sweetcorn)-the flavour was insane. I see Linda McCartney’s also used avant garde vegan over on insta-there are so many brilliant young chefs around now-yet it’s the same old shit photographed on that sodding marble wrapping paper & dumped in one of her million bowls with Jack. Never looks good & I’ve never had a decent recipe for jack (I bought veganish back when I didn’t know what a grifter she is).

 

[Readingismyhobby]

imaginary i think.

I think Jacks whole life is honary ie she hasn’t done or achieved anything.

 

[Walkdengirl]

I hear that social media darling and food expert Jack Monroe is available for private cooking gigs.

A few threads back I did suggest we book her for a public speaking engagement

 

[Flash123]

Thanks to @colouredlines, @SoulRebel and @jenny2603 for the title components!

In our last thread...

- Jack told the Guardian that The Letter was a bit shit really
- Letter-writing campaigns are only good when Jack thinks of them, you see
- Jack and Roadside Mum did a joint chaos
- Bae (Jack) caught me (also Jack) sleeping
- Cooper was bothered on the internet
- Dr Rupy saved his show by not letting Jack cook

Spoiler: Jack For Dummies

For new joiners to the thread, here is @Passive_Aggressive_Lemon ‘s ‘Jack for Dummies’ post (edited to include updated info):

Thought it might be useful for new followers to have a post at the start of each thread with some info.
Limegoss article about Jack versus Jamie Oliver : https://limegoss.com/jack-monroe-jamie-oliver/

Thread #31 is the infamous one in which Jack turns up to talk to us directly. She makes her appearance on p. 17.

For anyone wanting to relive the glory days of her two-week stint on Daily Kitchen Live (DKL), have a grunk a through threads 2-9.

*** JACKISMS ***

Jack’s most oft-used reply to questions on recipe substitutions:

Yes, absolutely x

Some other favourite Jack quotes:

‘Babe, same’
‘I did a chaos’
‘My maverick brain’
‘My sad little face’
‘I’m BUSY’
‘I HOOTED / I am FIZZING’
‘I laughed up a lung’

** NEW **
‘Literally hella embarrassed AF’ about ‘Brexit and flip-flopping Covid flippancy’ and she ‘didn’t even vote for it’.

She likes to describe herself as ‘puppyishly honest and naively enthusiastic’

As of late November 2020, Jack conceded she is not poor, but living to a budget as she is saving for a forever home for her and SB.

*****

One of Jack’s followers once referred to Tattlers as sad hausfraus and Jack herself has likened us to a cabal. Therefore we have become the Cabal of Hausfraus™️. She also recently referred to us as ‘gossip mavens’ (so, we are gossip trusted experts). ** Recent additions to her terms of endearment for Tattle: conspiracy wankers, obsessive groups of completely unhinged bullies, bullying ninnies, and malign, vicious bullies **

To ‘GrunkaLunka’ your way through a thread means to catch up on posts. Named after a member who rather epically caught up on many threads in a short period of time (and is also a fearless pioneer of the space-time continuum. She really was here both Now and Then).

Jack once threatened to use her Liam Neeson skills to TRIANGULATE our whereabouts in order to intimidate us, so that’s what we mean by that. * She may also threaten to take us to court - do not be afraid, this is not the first time and it won’t be the last. *

Jack once sideboard modelled a Vivienne Westwood dress, seeming to infer that it’s what Viv would have wanted (as if she were dead), and then got snippy when corrected otherwise. There may be some ‘RIP Viv’ jokes (she is, of course, NOT dead)

We sometimes joke about being on Vladimir Putin’s bitcoin payroll list for being evil trolls.

During her stint on Daily Kitchen Live, Jack produced a godawful looking lasagne, with a thin white sauce that never thickened up, just disappeared. It was widely likened to ‘horse spunk’ - there may be some horse ‘spirit’ lasagne jokes.

Her last-uttered line to Matt Tebutt on DKL was: ‘Thank you so Matt much, Matt’, which made us all HOOT.

Jack ended a tweet that listed her (not unimpressive) four-and-a-half GCSE results (A*, A, B, B, C) with: ‘Now fuck off’. We sometimes like to use this in our own posts for comedic effect. We are NOT telling other fraus to fuck off, simply paying homage to Jack’s own genteel humour.

*Back in the mists of time, one funny frau used a Jimmy Nail ‘She’s Lying’ picture to illustrate their thoughts on one of Jack’s latest tales. @Alpha Beta thought it was Novak Djokovic, the cabal hooted and Novak Nail was born. You may see reference to Jimmy Nail, Novak Djokovic, or the combination of both: Novak Nail. All demonstrate that she’s lying.*

Also:

• She grew up in a 5-bed (mortgaged/owned) house
• She got a £4.5k Omega watch for her 21st birthday
• Her dad's a fucking LANDLORD (an oldy, but a goody)
• Jack and Louisa are no longer in a relationship - in Jack’s words: ‘She [Louisa] left’.
• ** NEW ** However, during Lockdown 2 (November 2020), a bubble buddy, ‘buddle’ (BB) came to stay with Jack. BB is pescatarian, cycles 200 miles a week, and works in London. Jack is teaching her to cook, while also using her as a figure of gentle ridicule. She cannot cook, she cannot iron, she cannot clean the television properly, she left the hose out and it got eaten by a fox, and she doesn’t know the difference between wet and dry ingredients.
• Her record for staying off Twitter since the start of these threads is 114 hours and 47 minutes.
• She is 90% vegan. The other 10% likes to nom nom on Five Guys burger and discounted chicken slices.
• During her appearance on DKL, she was asked why some mince has a higher fat content. ‘It just does.’
• The information held on her by Companies House has her year of birth WRONG. She was born in 1988, not 1978.
• She recently claimed she found her Burberry scarf in a muddy puddle.

Use the pink link tab at the top of the thread to find Jack’s Tattle Wiki page, where you will find all episodes of Daily Kitchen Live.

We are terrible for going off on tangents and using too many gifs, so there is another thread where we don’t discuss JM but instead talk about biscuits and stuff. For good light relief when JM is doing too much chaos, come to the Food & Drink threads in Off Topic.

• Lastly, but importantly, when submitting ideas for the next thread title, please use the words ‘thread title’, as it makes it easier to search. Just using the number won’t be enough. We also can’t have swears in the title, and try to hold off until around p. 40 for your suggestions, if possible. ThankYOU.

Cracking recap!

ETA: I can’t see there was any outcome last night’s chaos.... did the MSM appearance happen?

 

[Oofadoofa]

why does this matter?

Thing about Roadside Mum is she’s someone who’s relying on these free school meals and has been shafted. Even if she’s problematic, in whichever way, I feel uncomfortable with a lot of the posts being made about her because she’s not the focus of this thread and is someone who took delivery of a couple of warm frubes and a carrot etc to feed her child/ren with, whether that was for 5/10 days it’s not a space you come from with a sense of self respect and dignity so if she’s fire in her belly I don’t blame her. Jack getting in her head yeah we have a legitimate cause to rail against that, but the rest? I feel like we are punching down.

Fair point. On the one hand there's an element of her being fair game, seeing as she's inviting it upon herself and getting all 'Monroe' about it...but on the other hand, if she's in a situation whereby a tiny bit of fame ad fortune might help her out of a tight situation then who can really blame her? - at the end of the day, and without knowing anything about her twitter profile, she's likely got a long way to go until she really, truly matches Monroe's level of grift and general skulduggery..

 

[discokebab]

I want to compare Jack to Meera Sodha for a minute based on comments about the Linda Mc debacle. She isn't vegan or vegetarian, but she writes a vegan column in the Guardian and has written a couple of highly acclaimed books including East which I've been cooking my way through with fantastic results. Her insta is a delight; she's got a paid partnership with Ocado doing a vegan recipe which has over 39,600 views. I don't think I've ever seen anyone pick her apart or suggest to the Guardian or Ocado that they don't use her because she's not vegan (not saying they haven't) or complain about her. That's because she remains charming, professional, her recipes are delicious and they work and she's never published polemics saying that she's going vegan and that meat is full of violence. Her family were Ugandan Indians so I doubt she had an especially charmed early life. Anyway I highly recommend her body of work.

I ought to have expanded more on the Sodha recipe - the fault of it I feel was mine...Richmond vegan sausages weren't available when I cooked it but I understand completely that they would have been a better sub given the recipe was designed for actual meat sausages for flavour and fats etc. Sodha's clearly has history all bundled up into it whereas Jack's is just a lazy buggery of ingredients without thought, and I fell somewhere between the two - a veggie sausage would not be my first substitute product I would ever pick for a dish inspired by Indian or adjacent cuisines, so I don't understand why Jack did.

I have East on my to-buy list because I have the same impression of Sodha as you re: professionalism.

 

[Walnutss]

View attachment 392086
Putting floofle aside, and how this absolutely did not happen, why tf is she downstairs again?!

I'm gonnae vomit

Also apple android and whoever it may concern please get rid of this emoji

Thank you in advance

 

[Ldytnk]

I’m finally losing it I think. I’m reading “excuse not to peel his veg” and thinking it’s a euphemism.... or does he literally just not peel carrots?

He doesn't even peel his parsnips. Nor his ginger.