Marmalade Atkins
VIP Member
LOOK AT YOUR FACE.
- Notice
LOOK AT YOUR FACE.
Marmalade Atkins
VIP Member
Reminder:GUYS SHE'S LYING ON TWITTER AGAIN!
Remember her big performative "when I was young you always made trifle with supermarket own brand tinned fruit"?
Now history has been rewritten so that it's a family tradition to always use Del Monte.
Fuck all the way off you lying TWAT!
Screenshot from @Begborrowsteal
Traazers
VIP Member
Merry Christmas Fraus!
I'm currently staying in a wooden pod in someone's garden as a very weird sort of escape after getting dumped on Tuesday. I've got a fridge full of wine and I'm going to attempt to microwave a camembert for lunch. With toasted chewy brown (not softy soft soft), olives and some parma ham (vegetarianism is cancelled for the next 24 hours).
Quite excited for the upcoming festive chaos
I'm currently staying in a wooden pod in someone's garden as a very weird sort of escape after getting dumped on Tuesday. I've got a fridge full of wine and I'm going to attempt to microwave a camembert for lunch. With toasted chewy brown (not softy soft soft), olives and some parma ham (vegetarianism is cancelled for the next 24 hours).
Quite excited for the upcoming festive chaos
Congratulations to @Sideboard Bob for the words and @blurstoftimes for championing them 
Recap of thread #121
Recap of thread #121
- She organised a ‘huge’ Del Monte delivery of cans and fruit pots to go to the Fareshare warehouse. They will also be donating £10,000 to Magic Breakfast.
- She was ‘(slowly, gently, restfully) writing a thing about her heroes of 2020’. Sounds like she’s behind with her Year 7 homework.
- Just in case people had forgotten what she looked like, she posted a ‘rona selfie that cleared things up.
- Fish, glorious fish. She got a big fish delivery.
- But Jack, what are those neat little freezer bags you use? Why, it’s these! (affiliate links galore).
- Call4Fish are excited to see #WhatJackDoes. So are we. So are we.
- She conceded that she was over the worst of her covid experience because she was angry about a lot of nice-looking trifles. Irrational displeasure makes everyone feel better.
- Merry Christmas, one and all!
Ladyfingers for everyone!
For new joiners to the thread, here is @Passive_Aggressive_Lemon ‘s ‘Jack for Dummies’ post (edited to include updated info):
Thought it might be useful for new followers to have a post at the start of each thread with some info.
Limegoss article about Jack versus Jamie Oliver : https://limegoss.com/jack-monroe-jamie-oliver/
Thread #31 is the infamous one in which Jack turns up to talk to us directly. She makes her appearance on p. 17.
For anyone wanting to relive the glory days of her two-week stint on Daily Kitchen Live (DKL), have a grunk a through threads 2-9.
*** JACKISMS ***
Jack’s most oft-used reply to questions on recipe substitutions:
Yes, absolutely x
Some other favourite Jack quotes:
‘Babe, same’
‘I did a chaos’
‘My maverick brain’
‘My sad little face’
‘I’m BUSY’
‘I HOOTED / I am FIZZING’
‘I laughed up a lung’
** NEW **
‘Literally hella embarrassed AF’ about ‘Brexit and flip-flopping Covid flippancy’ and she ‘didn’t even vote for it’.
She likes to describe herself as ‘puppyishly honest and naively enthusiastic’
As of late November 2020, Jack conceded she is not poor, but living to a budget as she is saving for a forever home for her and SB.
*****
One of Jack’s followers once referred to Tattlers as sad hausfraus and Jack herself has likened us to a cabal. Therefore we have become the Cabal of Hausfraus™️. She also recently referred to us as ‘gossip mavens’ (so, we are gossip trusted experts). ** Recent additions to her terms of endearment for Tattle: conspiracy wankers, obsessive groups of completely unhinged bullies, bullying ninnies, and malign, vicious bullies **
To ‘GrunkaLunka’ your way through a thread means to catch up on posts. Named after a member who rather epically caught up on many threads in a short period of time (and is also a fearless pioneer of the space-time continuum. She really was here both Now and Then).
Jack once threatened to use her Liam Neeson skills to TRIANGULATE our whereabouts in order to intimidate us, so that’s what we mean by that. * She may also threaten to take us to court - do not be afraid, this is not the first time and it won’t be the last. *
Jack once sideboard modelled a Vivienne Westwood dress, seeming to infer that it’s what Viv would have wanted (as if she were dead), and then got snippy when corrected otherwise. There may be some ‘RIP Viv’ jokes (she is, of course, NOT dead)
We sometimes joke about being on Vladimir Putin’s bitcoin payroll list for being evil trolls.
During her stint on Daily Kitchen Live, Jack produced a godawful looking lasagne, with a thin white sauce that never thickened up, just disappeared. It was widely likened to ‘horse spunk’ - there may be some horse ‘spirit’ lasagne jokes.
Her last-uttered line to Matt Tebutt on DKL was: ‘Thank you so Matt much, Matt’, which made us all HOOT.
Jack ended a tweet that listed her (not unimpressive) four-and-a-half GCSE results (A*, A, B, B, C) with: ‘Now fuck off’. We sometimes like to use this in our own posts for comedic effect. We are NOT telling other fraus to fuck off, simply paying homage to Jack’s own genteel humour.
*Back in the mists of time, one funny frau used a Jimmy Nail ‘She’s Lying’ picture to illustrate their thoughts on one of Jack’s latest tales. @Alpha Beta thought it was Novak Djokovic, the cabal hooted and Novak Nail was born. You may see reference to Jimmy Nail, Novak Djokovic, or the combination of both: Novak Nail. All demonstrate that she’s lying.*
Also:
Here is a link to Jack’s Tattle Wiki page, which also includes clips of Matt Tebutt muttering ‘Terrible!’ on Daily Kitchen Live, courtesy of @Yel) and @Bookweevil ‘s hilarious Glossary of Jack.
We are terrible for going off on tangents and using too many gifs, so there is another thread where we don’t discuss JM but instead talk about biscuits and stuff. For good light relief when JM is doing too much chaos, come to the Food & Drink threads in Off Topic.
Thought it might be useful for new followers to have a post at the start of each thread with some info.
Limegoss article about Jack versus Jamie Oliver : https://limegoss.com/jack-monroe-jamie-oliver/
Thread #31 is the infamous one in which Jack turns up to talk to us directly. She makes her appearance on p. 17.
For anyone wanting to relive the glory days of her two-week stint on Daily Kitchen Live (DKL), have a grunk a through threads 2-9.
*** JACKISMS ***
Jack’s most oft-used reply to questions on recipe substitutions:
Yes, absolutely x
Some other favourite Jack quotes:
‘Babe, same’
‘I did a chaos’
‘My maverick brain’
‘My sad little face’
‘I’m BUSY’
‘I HOOTED / I am FIZZING’
‘I laughed up a lung’
** NEW **
‘Literally hella embarrassed AF’ about ‘Brexit and flip-flopping Covid flippancy’ and she ‘didn’t even vote for it’.
She likes to describe herself as ‘puppyishly honest and naively enthusiastic’
As of late November 2020, Jack conceded she is not poor, but living to a budget as she is saving for a forever home for her and SB.
*****
One of Jack’s followers once referred to Tattlers as sad hausfraus and Jack herself has likened us to a cabal. Therefore we have become the Cabal of Hausfraus™️. She also recently referred to us as ‘gossip mavens’ (so, we are gossip trusted experts). ** Recent additions to her terms of endearment for Tattle: conspiracy wankers, obsessive groups of completely unhinged bullies, bullying ninnies, and malign, vicious bullies **
To ‘GrunkaLunka’ your way through a thread means to catch up on posts. Named after a member who rather epically caught up on many threads in a short period of time (and is also a fearless pioneer of the space-time continuum. She really was here both Now and Then).
Jack once threatened to use her Liam Neeson skills to TRIANGULATE our whereabouts in order to intimidate us, so that’s what we mean by that. * She may also threaten to take us to court - do not be afraid, this is not the first time and it won’t be the last. *
Jack once sideboard modelled a Vivienne Westwood dress, seeming to infer that it’s what Viv would have wanted (as if she were dead), and then got snippy when corrected otherwise. There may be some ‘RIP Viv’ jokes (she is, of course, NOT dead)
We sometimes joke about being on Vladimir Putin’s bitcoin payroll list for being evil trolls.
During her stint on Daily Kitchen Live, Jack produced a godawful looking lasagne, with a thin white sauce that never thickened up, just disappeared. It was widely likened to ‘horse spunk’ - there may be some horse ‘spirit’ lasagne jokes.
Her last-uttered line to Matt Tebutt on DKL was: ‘Thank you so Matt much, Matt’, which made us all HOOT.
Jack ended a tweet that listed her (not unimpressive) four-and-a-half GCSE results (A*, A, B, B, C) with: ‘Now fuck off’. We sometimes like to use this in our own posts for comedic effect. We are NOT telling other fraus to fuck off, simply paying homage to Jack’s own genteel humour.
*Back in the mists of time, one funny frau used a Jimmy Nail ‘She’s Lying’ picture to illustrate their thoughts on one of Jack’s latest tales. @Alpha Beta thought it was Novak Djokovic, the cabal hooted and Novak Nail was born. You may see reference to Jimmy Nail, Novak Djokovic, or the combination of both: Novak Nail. All demonstrate that she’s lying.*
Also:
- She grew up in a 5-bed (mortgaged/owned) house
- She got a £4.5k Omega watch for her 21st birthday
- Her dad's a fucking LANDLORD (an oldy, but a goody)
- Jack and Louisa are no longer in a relationship - in Jack’s words: ‘She [Louisa] left’.
- ** NEW ** However, during Lockdown 2 (November 2020), a bubble buddy, ‘buddle’ (BB) came to stay with Jack. BB is pescatarian, cycles 200 miles a week, and works in London. Jack is teaching her to cook, while also using her as a figure of gentle ridicule. She cannot cook, she cannot iron, she cannot clean the television properly, she left the hose out and it got eaten by a fox, and she doesn’t know the difference between wet and dry ingredients.
- Her record for staying off Twitter since the start of these threads is 114 hours and 47 minutes.
- She is 90% vegan. The other 10% likes to nom nom on Five Guys burger and discounted chicken slices.
- During her appearance on DKL, she was asked why some mince has a higher fat content. ‘It just does.’
- The information held on her by Companies House has her year of birth WRONG. She was born in 1988, not 1978.
- She recently claimed she found her Burberry scarf in a muddy puddle.
Here is a link to Jack’s Tattle Wiki page, which also includes clips of Matt Tebutt muttering ‘Terrible!’ on Daily Kitchen Live, courtesy of @Yel) and @Bookweevil ‘s hilarious Glossary of Jack.
We are terrible for going off on tangents and using too many gifs, so there is another thread where we don’t discuss JM but instead talk about biscuits and stuff. For good light relief when JM is doing too much chaos, come to the Food & Drink threads in Off Topic.
- Lastly, but importantly, when submitting ideas for the next thread title, please use the words ‘thread title’, as it makes it easier to search. Just using the number won’t be enough. We also can’t have swears in the title, and try to hold off until around p. 40 for your suggestions, if possible. ThankYOU.
Satisfying Click
VIP Member
So she went around several fish and chip shops, spreading her 'rona as she went, knowing she has an aquarium's worth of fish in her freezer?
waffle maker
VIP Member
My littlest daughter asked Father Christmas for a ham once, it was the only thing she asked for. We got her one of those Spanish ones and we ate it for weeks. She a vegetarian now and would like a vape (she’s not getting a vape because she is 12).
Notnearlyatall.
Member
I'm a long time lurker, DKL brought me here from the Inghams, I only comment occasionally when she really annoys me but I hit that reaction button regularly. I just wanted to say this thread has been my happy place this year, I'm always at least a thread behind, sometimes I get so far behind I have to miss whole threads but in the wee small hours when I can't sleep or after a long day when I just need to switch off you folks with your intelligence and wit and even our Jack with her constant provision of content have kept me sane! I am doing absolutely nothing today except playing with my kids but I have never read thread #31 so I have saved it for later today! Thank you all and now fuck off!
Marmalade Atkins
VIP Member
Alansbigplate
VIP Member
You ^can^ but should you, though? 
Harrybosch
VIP Member
This just popped up on my timeline and made me laugh.
Pixieboots
Chatty Member
Don't mean to honk my own horn too much but
Anonymous One
Well-known member
Fraus, thank you for making me howl with laughter on my evening grunka. Particular favourite was ‘slop cauldron’. Thank you for being the kindest bunch of bullying ninnies I’ve ever not met. I hope everyone has had as good-a day as possible today. If you haven’t, please remember that Christmas Day is massively overrated. The future will hopefully be brighter and some woman on the internet pretending to be Vladamir Putin (autocarrot to ‘sputum’) is thinking of you and sending you all the love they have.
If all else fails, thank Christ you didn’t have to eat Christmas dinner at the shitty bungalow. Her Christmas meal was absolutely joyless. I’ve made Christmas dinner for myself today (had to spend it alone because Tier 4), am definitely not a ‘professional cook’ but made something far better than that load of shite.
My only problem was that I’ve used a JO recipe today and am a bit drunk so told my family over FaceTime that I had made a THAT MAN recipe then went into a ramble about how I never liked that man much but ‘that Jack Monroe is a right knob and now I like him’. Family baffled.
If all else fails, thank Christ you didn’t have to eat Christmas dinner at the shitty bungalow. Her Christmas meal was absolutely joyless. I’ve made Christmas dinner for myself today (had to spend it alone because Tier 4), am definitely not a ‘professional cook’ but made something far better than that load of shite.
My only problem was that I’ve used a JO recipe today and am a bit drunk so told my family over FaceTime that I had made a THAT MAN recipe then went into a ramble about how I never liked that man much but ‘that Jack Monroe is a right knob and now I like him’. Family baffled.
Hello my lovelies, hope you've had a wonderful day, however wierd and different it may have been xx
The Moo household are all in bed now, but just wanted to share a thing, because I know it may make you giggle....
Part of my 'Santa stocking' gifts was a pair of slipper socks. Very comfy.
All day I've been wearing them. I've had a flare up of both my EOE and Ulcerative colitis. Both unpleasant and both make for a miserable Christmas. Undeterred, I ploughed on, but rested a lot during the day. Unlike Jack, I actually managed to produce a pretty decent Christmas dinner.
Anyway, this evening I heard a noise...
Not a big noise, but a 'tick, tick, tick' noise.
As I said, whole family asleep in bed. Not scared, but intrigued....
So I've walked round the whole house for nearly an hour now looking and listening for the noise.
Turns out I never took the tag off my slipper socks and the little plastic wire thingy has been slapping on my wooden floor/kitchen tiles. Making a 'tick, tick, tick' noise.
FFS. Happy Christmas my frauen xxx
The Moo household are all in bed now, but just wanted to share a thing, because I know it may make you giggle....
Part of my 'Santa stocking' gifts was a pair of slipper socks. Very comfy.
All day I've been wearing them. I've had a flare up of both my EOE and Ulcerative colitis. Both unpleasant and both make for a miserable Christmas. Undeterred, I ploughed on, but rested a lot during the day. Unlike Jack, I actually managed to produce a pretty decent Christmas dinner.
Anyway, this evening I heard a noise...
Not a big noise, but a 'tick, tick, tick' noise.
As I said, whole family asleep in bed. Not scared, but intrigued....
So I've walked round the whole house for nearly an hour now looking and listening for the noise.
Turns out I never took the tag off my slipper socks and the little plastic wire thingy has been slapping on my wooden floor/kitchen tiles. Making a 'tick, tick, tick' noise.
FFS. Happy Christmas my frauen xxx
NomDeGuerre
VIP Member
As it's Christmas, I've decided to get my Pam Ayres on...
"T’Was the night before Christmas, when all through the rented house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a smol mouse
The tip jar was slung on the sideboard in haste
In the hope some Patreons might soon show their face
"The household were nestled, all snug in their beds
While flashbacks to spam trifle, danced through their heads
The selfie’s been facetuned, she's washed off the slap
Now Our Jack settles down, for a dinosaur nap
"When out by the shed there was such a clatter,
With hacksaw in hand, she sees what’s the matter
But what to her wondering eyes did appear,
‘Just a dirty great puddle - and some top designer gear
“Emerging from the puddle, as quick as she could
Who else could it be, but Dame Viv Westwood?
But more were to follow, so many they came
Viv shouted and whistled, and called them by name
“Now Tebbut!, now THAT MAN,
On Rigby and Peller,
Come Traazers, on a bird (but never a fella)
Now Anchoïade, On Brenda
Come Snaffle and Squiggle
Go forth and make that tipjar jiggle
“Jack looked on fearfully, shaking her head
“ ‘My eyes must deceive me - I thought you were dead!“
"T’Was the night before Christmas, when all through the rented house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a smol mouse
The tip jar was slung on the sideboard in haste
In the hope some Patreons might soon show their face
"The household were nestled, all snug in their beds
While flashbacks to spam trifle, danced through their heads
The selfie’s been facetuned, she's washed off the slap
Now Our Jack settles down, for a dinosaur nap
"When out by the shed there was such a clatter,
With hacksaw in hand, she sees what’s the matter
But what to her wondering eyes did appear,
‘Just a dirty great puddle - and some top designer gear
“Emerging from the puddle, as quick as she could
Who else could it be, but Dame Viv Westwood?
But more were to follow, so many they came
Viv shouted and whistled, and called them by name
“Now Tebbut!, now THAT MAN,
On Rigby and Peller,
Come Traazers, on a bird (but never a fella)
Now Anchoïade, On Brenda
Come Snaffle and Squiggle
Go forth and make that tipjar jiggle
“Jack looked on fearfully, shaking her head
“ ‘My eyes must deceive me - I thought you were dead!“
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Silver Linings
VIP Member
She’s tweeting pics of cats in boxes. I started screenshotting but died of boredom.
ReginaPhalangee
VIP Member
Yup, I didn’t wear one yesterday because of the pre Christmas tanning routine (who cares if nobody outside my house will see me I’m as bronzed as the turkey and I feel fabulous) and felt really slobby.
Doesn’t help that without a bra one tit will be in the kitchen while the other is upstairs making the beds mind
