'If I'm going to be living here again, I am bloody well cooking and won't be shoved out like the cat'.
'BUT YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO COOK! I COOK!'
'Fine, I'll learn. Get a couple of recipe books, all you have to do is LEAVE ME ALONE in there'.
'You've got MY books already'.
'_____'
'I could do an anchoiade of marmalade and Bisto, lovingly spread across a slice of Mangowood and lentil meringue for tea?'
'_____'
'A soup of grassclippings, lemon curd and Wotsits, delicately garnished with half a Hydrangea bush and some Catsan crumble toppings?'
'_____'
'For duck's sake, why do you have to make things so hard? If you can't appreciate my PARTICULAR TALENTS, you might as well just have a bleeping pizza and be done with it'
'PIzza? That's perfect. You lie on the sofa whilst the Drawing Paste does its thing and I'll handle that. [Tries to walk through door, but it is blocked by a hand more heavily bandaged than the Invisible Man] Can you let me into the kitchen now, please?'
'Wait! I'll need to get out the polyfilla, the lentil souffle out of the 3rd fridge, unicorn tears from the tins on the 2nd fridge and half a cup of Go-Cat to sprinkle over the top because we don't have any normal ingredients for Pizza, like caviar and quails eggs'
'WHAT? Oh, for duck's sake. What do you want on your pizza?'
'[whispers tearfully as blood loss from the 2nd foot injury combines with the rapidly ascending Klebsiella and Tetanus from the literal branch stuck in her texting finger] There's some eggs and crab paste in the 1st outdoor fridge. And a melted Lion Bar'.
'duck THIS tit. I'm going back out.'
[SFX: Door slams, expensive pushbike is dragged back out of the garage and wheeled down the driveway]
Twenty Minutes Later.
[SFX: Front door slams]
'Right, I'm back and I've got some tinned tomatoes, cheese and Asparagus'.
'Bet you didn't get Tipo 00 flour, semolina, Ligurian Sea Salt shards, San Francisco sourdough starter, single bottle, more of a virgin than Mary, olive oil and a Kitchenaid pizza dough spinnytosser attachment though, did you? See, you just don't know what you're doing, do you?'
'No, I didn't'
[SFX: A packet of pre baked pizza bases are dropped onto the non-extendible parts of the Cotswold Company table]
'_______' [Ouchy lip quivers and a barely audible sniff]
'What?'
'It's just that, I was thinking, maybe, perhaps I could use those to make a curry and we could make a Pizza with blended wound dressings and my tears'
Zoom in and you'll see where she accidentally loses some colour in her shirt collar. This makes me so mad, she is ED-fishing shamelessly.
