Alice has such a dreary, arid life. I can’t imagine taking so little interest in anything outside a microscopic world in which revenge reigns supreme, the same old ‘slights’ and themes are endlessly rehashed: ‘Bianca’ this, ‘but my husband’ that.
I’ve been deep in the bowels of catastrophic depression of late: grieving the victims of Hamas on 07/10, the Gazans Hamas have trapped and used as human shields while denying them water, food, fuel and freedom, the victims of Netanyahu’s bloodthirsty and illegal campaign to destroy everything, not just enemy forces in the form of Hamas (and Hezbollah/Islamic Jihad, who are involving themselves in asymmetric warfare). It’s heartbreaking beyond belief: even though I’m going through my own personal hell, I acknowledge that it is but a pale shadow of what is happening in Israel-Palestine/Ukraine. I really get the impression that Alice, while making all the right empathetic noises about the atrocities, sees them as a backdrop to her own drama. Her sense of perspective is so skewed that she is incapable of understanding that she is not the centre of the universe, that only her victimhood matters. She reminds me of Trump from that (and, frankly, many) perspective: a persecution complex, a narrative that feeds parasitically on revenge and the destruction of others’ happiness, a flaming-eyed Dido who campaigns for her own ruination so that she can triumph over a man who got tired of being abused.
To get myself off the metaphorical (and, recently, I have to admit literal) ledge, I’m taking French classes so I can appreciate the finer points of C19th Parisian idioms, and Hebrew classes (in case the recent antisemitism I’ve seen around my town boils over and my mother and I choose to leave the country). I’m writing a book. Teaching philosophy, psychology, history and English literature. Exercising at least three times a week, despite fibro pain and exhaustion. Eating well and eschewing alcohol. Practicing good sleep hygiene. Why doesn’t she at least
try to do something with her time? Life is a single, short experience of consciousness in a universe where one didn’t exist, even conceptually, before being and will not persist after it. We don’t get a do-over. This is it. Why let opportunities for beauty, learning, being in the world slip through her fingers? Why put so much of an emotional burden on the slender shoulders of her young, beautiful daughters, who deserve to have a childhood? I know we’ve been asking the same questions over and over again during the past three years of her relentless misery and yearning for revenge, but it simply bewilders me. I just can’t fathom having a mindset whereby I would deliberately, and inexorably, take every possible opportunity to be unhappy, and to impose that unhappiness on others.
As a fluent French, Italian and Spanish speaker, she could earn a minimum of £50/hour. Fifteen to twenty hours a week would ensure that her money doesn’t run out, and give her daughters an excellent role model for lively, interesting, independent and autonomous living. Pushing Ella - who is undoubtedly beautiful - into modelling is a hiding to nothing: I modelled myself and the stress, pressure to remain unbelievably thin, cramped conditions, humiliation, endless competition, exposure to substance abuse and mental health disorders is simply not worth it. It’s a helluva life. At 5’10”, my lowest weight was 5st12, and I will be very lucky if I don’t end up with osteoporosis. Ella is far too intelligent and gifted to be thrown into that particular bear pit: she deserves to have a peaceful life away from problems and pain. Both girls should get a good degree/postgrad from university - for which, if they’re encouraged to hone their athletic abilities, they could receive full scholarships - which are broad enough to allow them to work in a number of fields.
Anyway, I’ve wittered on too long.
@lamaitresse, I sat shiva and remembered you and your loved ones. @IceCreamEnthusiast, I am so terribly sorry about your brother: you and he are in my prayers. I hope that everyone is as well and happy as they can be. Xx
) - quite the opposite in fact?!
