I've used my computer hacking skills and have managed to steal a chapter from Alice's forthcoming self-published book,
"He Left Me For A Bogan".
View attachment 2526983
Chapter 9 – "Let the Legal Games Commence"
Why is he so angry?
He is the one who left me and destroyed my happy LA life. HE is the one who abandoned his beautiful family. I still do not understand why he left. I am a bombshell. A catch. I am energetic and loud and forgetful and yes... loving.
I do not dress like a secretary, nor wear polyester, and certainly would never be seen dead in an M&S dress unlike SOMEONE ELSE I could mention.
He is the one spending all of OUR money on lawyers. As well as taking the bogan around the world to places like the Hotel du Cap-Eden-Roc in the South of France. The South of France is MY special place and he knows that. He is just doing this to destroy my happiness and shut out my light.
I sat down with my single glass of rosé.
[Ping]
Omg. My heart leapt. Could this be a message from Ioan, telling me that he wanted me back and that he was going to leave the bogan?
I opened up the "Teacher's Pet" app (otherwise known as "Our Family Wizard"). The Wizard is an invention made by lawyers so that they can see everything their clients write. The whole reason for using the "Wizard" is that you can't edit it. You can't fake it. That's why the lawyers love it. Because people say angry things on the spur of the moment and pay for it in court with their entire livelihoods. That's also why I don't like using it!
There, against the glare of the harsh white light of the screen, I saw five words which chilled me to my bone. Five words which must be the nastiest five words ever written down in history.
"Let the legal games commence".
Huh? My mind went blank for a second. My God. What possible reason could there be for him to write this?
With these words, Ioan broke my heart THRICE. The first time when he told me he no longer loved me and the second time when I found out he had another woman. Now my heart was shattering into a million pieces AGAIN with this news that Ioan was going to litigate against me.
I began to shake like a leaf and I collapsed to the floor. I vomited and started to cry. I could not believe what I had just read. I could not fathom the reason for this latest action of his.
I know that I had given an interview to the
Daily Mail, and may have said some things which Ioan wouldn't have agreed with. But I did that because I was losing my mind. I know that I had gone on
Lorraine, the British TV show, and may have said some things which Ioan found a bit hurtful. But I did that because I was devastated and blindsided. I know that I had gone on Australian radio, and again may have said some things which Ioan found a bit too much. But I did that because I was in shock. I know that I had gone on US television, and once again may have said some things which Ioan found a bit upsetting. But I did that because I was melting down. I know that I had some some things about the bogan, but she deserved them as she stole baby angel from me. I only abuse people who deserve it.
My husband and partner of 20 years, the most perfect husband who also at the same time abused me and was a narc who was jealous of my acting success, had abandoned me without any warning and was refusing to speak to me. What kind of a person does that?
I knew who was really behind all of this. The bogan. Ioan would never do this unless he had been transfixed by the acrobatic accountant from Australia. The beguiling bogan from Brisbane. Well, I was going to show her. "You're in for a nasty surprise, I'm telling you bogan," I thought. I was also going to show HIM. Nobody leaves Alice Evans. Nobody. Apart from my father, but that's only because he was ALSO transfixed by a bogan of the English variety.
I then did what any woman in my position would do. I flipped open my laptop and opened Twitter.
Meanwhile, Gloria cleaned up the pile of vomit on the floor. Thank goodness for her. Without her to clean up, my entire house (the mortgage of which was almost paid off - I could cry!) would be covered in a layer of vomit as that is all I have been doing every time I open up an email from Ioan's lawyers. This is how traumatising this whole affair is for me.
102 Dalmatians. I said let’s change channels girls 
