WELCOME TO THREAD #8: No Masks, No Pubes, Relax Be Cool
Big thank you to @tsuyu and boyfriend for the title suggestion!
(73 votes) Previous Thread: HERE
Now let's have a recap and get right to the good stuff!
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DRESSING UP IN A BIN BAG? SHE WELL QUIRKY, MATE!
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- Dresses up in a bin bag and does an “everyday witch” look book... with nothing witchy about it, although those snake skin trousers should be burned at the fucking stake
- Gurns her way through her shitty Halloween tutorial and then tries to make herself thinner by Photoshopping her jowls out of her IG picture and over uses the smoothing tool
- Does a skit with green face paint and a wig (source #1 | source #2), later tells us all about the 'hilarious' story of how the gasman turned up while she looked like that
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IS IT FIL? IS IT ANDY? AND WHO THE duck IS JOSH?
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- Replying to a comment about having her boyfriend filming for her on her How to Halloween at Home Video, Helga weirdly lies about the reflection in the window being Grace's boyfriend Andy, when it's so clearly and obviously FIL
- Gets back in touch with old friend Josh who she hasn't seen since two boyfriends ago... I mean in two years
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FLANGE ASSEMBLE
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- On the eve of Halloween she decides to assemble the flange squad over hers for a FLANGEWEEN PARTY, and then complains that she didn't do anything for Halloween
- Meanwhile her gym threw yet another 18 person non social distanced gathering, and tried to claim that they were all covid safe while also posting videos of them all huddling together not social distancing
- In her final Vlogtober video she does her usual trick of not filming any of the gathering or show who was actually there, but claims that there were only 6 of them and that they weren't breaking any rules – however last time she used that excuse she was caught out.
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LIVES IN A PIG STY AND INCAPEABLE OF DOING ANYTHING FOR HERSELF
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Has previously complained about then flat mate Josie for being incredibly messy and demanding they both pay for a cleaner, had a whinge about FIL being messy, has a laptop that needs it's own track and trace, and didn't know that she had to clean her doors and windows until her mum told her. In this thread we see Helga the pig thrive in the sty:
- Had to move all her make up tit to her office because her dressing room is forever a mess
- Can't be arsed to clean her manky bath tub
- Previously mentioned when FIL left that she struggles to make the bed , but now she's “had a word” with FILDO and he has to make it when he stays over, and she has to go and inspect it
- In her Vlogtober #4 video, she got her car valet because it had “croissant crumbs, minging greasy finger marks, McDonald's chip stain residue and a bunch of Starbucks straws” everywhere
- Has a sink full of dishes in her Vlogtober #4 video but can't be arsed to do them, has previously had such a whinge about Josie and then Fil leaving dishes in the sink
- Makes Fil come over and fit parts of her new wardrobe for her as she observes whilst drinking her wine, says in her Vlogtober final video that “he has no choice”
- Demands Fil get her a drink of squash and coffee because she's too lazy to get up, then grumps when he doesn't
- In her Vlogtober Finale video, she had a letter from gasmen asking her to turn her boiler off on a certain day so they can do work, Quirkz “forgot” about it, then when they turned up she was wailing that she didn't know how to do it and asked if they could do it for her
- Had to get Fildo to live with her again so he can finish building her wardrobe for her in lockdown
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MORE ALCOHOL EXCUSES
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Following on from thread 6's weak excuses such as; doing a dance class, it's wine Wednesday and baking a cake, thread 7's excuses are just as pathetic:
- She's doing DIY
- She's an Agony Aunt
- She's 'acting'
- She's burning a cardboard box
- She done a skit
- She finally pressed a button and released a song
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HE CHEATED!!!!!
.....(BUT NOT REALLY, TRADGEDY AUNTIE HAD TO USE CLICKBAIT TO GET VIEWS)
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- With such previous terrible advice as asking your partner during sex if they're “alrite and havin a good time” as erotic sex talk, and just have a big poo to lose weight, Helga fancied herself as a Agony Aunt
- She has been struggling to get views recently so decided to clickbait her video with the title HE CHEATED - accompanied by an oh so sad looking Helga in the thumbnail
- Her viewers were pissed at her for using clickbait, but Helen says this was the only time she did it and wanted credit for “playing the game”
- Forgets that she left her viewers with a vlog titled “Just before I leave” when she went away on holiday (she claimed that it was an accident but let's be real, she knew what she was doing) She has also moaned about clickbait in the past and claims she hates them
- Says that FILDO is sitting opposite her laughing at the bait
- Some viewers were so annoyed at her clickbait and told her that they were unsubscribing, Helen tells them “bye bye”
- She knew EXACTLY what she was doing when she posted the video and planned having clickbait to get more views, she started the video looking pissed off and cracking open a can as if she was going to tell her audience that her boyfriend had cheated on her, rather than doing her usual cheery “welcome back to my channel” spiel that she does for all her videos
- Remember when she claimed she had upload anxiety 3 months ago? And was always soooo worried about doing something wrong and getting told off for it? Clickbait seems to have cured her bout of upload anxiety....
- Finally changes the click bait title and makes it clearer that it's an Agony Aunt episode, 24 hrs after people complained about
- In the actual video, she gives her usual non-advice, makes all the marriage and engagement questions about herself, says that people should enjoy being single and not to rush into things, tells a single mum that she should stop worrying about getting into relationships – she should just concentrate on her daughter, tells the person who was having panic attacks over her boyfriend having female friends that they seemed to be dealing with it really well... it was all just bland and unhelpful advice with the constant theme of “don't put pressure on yourself”, “your time will come”, “it will happen when it happens”
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MY BAAAND (IS tit)
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- More build up to the new release with photoshoots and.... Quirkz you got shit on yer teef, love...
- Finally releases her new music after one whole year of production, the general thoughts were.... meh, ohh and her vocals sound like velcro
- The melody was good, but the lyrics are basic and boring and her dictation was awful
- Hilariously, there's a line in the song that says “I already LIKE you” - earlier this year she mentioned how her and Fil were really really close to saying I love you, months later and he'ss still not said it, so now she has makes references in various media with Fil about spending time with “someone you reeeeeeally LIKE” (example 1 | example #2
- In her BAND bio on Spotify, she wrote That the band had “STRONG lashings of country”, wrote “UNAPOLOGETIC lyrics”, repeated over and over that their friendship “blossomed”, their last band was a “headline act” and that they also had “country ROUTES”
- The bio also said that they gave “less of a shit about what was cool” .....but she wrote a song about being cool....
- In her BAND bio on Facebook, she wrote that she's dated BANDMATE BEN'S brother as a 'Fun Fact' – but at this point lets be honest, who hasn't she dated?
- From her NEW BAND vlog, both her and BANDMATE BEN were originally meant to have been in Hex Friends with Josie, Connor and Duncan they had started band practice and song writing before splitting up for unknown reasons.
- Posts more of her photo shoot photos..... and she's had her face photoshopped to fuckery
- Also..... WE FOUND BIGFOOT!
THE MUSIC VIDEO
- As predicted the WHOLE music video is filmed in slow motion
- The music video was hilariously bad, she has a face like a slapped arse all the way through it (because it's her telling a story)
- She edits in herself (not once.... but twice) twisting her ankle in her heels, because she's well quirky (vid #1 | vid #2)
- Has a scene where she walks into a pub.... and walks straight past the hand sanitizer (vid #1 | vid #2) and is photographed sticking her fingers in her mouth
- Also films in a shop with her crew but doesn't bother to wear a mask and touches everything, and flicks through magazines
- Fake tanned but forgot to take her watch off, leaving a giant white watch shape mark on her wrist
- Ben COMPLETELY let the side down by not wearing his matching gold platform shoes
- We have nooooo idea what BANDMATE BEN actually does, he is credited for writing and performing, but drums and guitars are spoken for by other people – he doens't even get to play an instrument in the video, he just nonchalantly walks around in the video next to sour face Quirkerz... is he supposed to be the love interest? Probably. Who the duck knows?
- Quirkz stomps around Norwich, looking haggard, with her sequin camel toe, her three-shades-too-dark shapewear body stocking and black thong on display, later on in the video her shapewear body stocking is seen to be so over stretched that it starts migrating towards her belly
AFTERMATH
- Goes out to celebrate the release of the single, has to take sparklers
- Posts pictures of her and BANDMATE BOYFRIEND BEN and gets comments that they look good together and should just get married
- Despite having 500k+ subs on YouTube and 300k+ followers on insta, her new band only managed to get 7,500 plays on Spotify
- Resorts to tagging the two successful musicians from Aphetor games on her Instagram to try and get herself attention – but in the process also shows everyone that she's already taking unnecessary trips out while the country is in lock down.
THEY'RE ENGAGED!!!
- But oh wait.... it isn't Quirkerz and Ben, Ben asked his girlfriend to marry him and Helen had to weirdly share it on the BAND'S social media account saying that it was “probably the most exciting announcement of the week for us!”
- Ends up with a lot of people congratulating them both, and mistaking it for Helen and Ben being engaged, this person is yet to be corrected by either Helen or Ben, although Ben has liked the comment....
- Posted it on her stories all excited with a big title “Ben popped the question” forgetting to add that he popped the question to Beth, forgets that 7 days earlier in her Tragedy Aunt advice was that being engaged means NOTHING
OF COURSE FIL'S GOT THAT tit ON REPEAT
- Fil loves it soooooooo much that he constantly asks her if he can play it over and over on spotify
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SELF CENTRED HELEN IGNORES EVERYTHING THAT'S GOING ON IN THE WORLD
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- Since her fake ally posts for BLM, Helen has been silent on real life issues in the world and has she has said in a rant that she will never use her platform for certain causes (but will use it to complain about cancel culture and complain about the pandemic when it restricts her from doing things she loves, like go to the pub)
- She has not said a word on the current situation in her own country with regards to the child food poverty crisis, or the huge campaign that has been running since June
- She has also not mentioned a single thing about the USA election – not even to encourage her American audience to vote. This was surprising considering just how much Helen claims to love America (she has a love of travelling across America, described her band as Americana, loves Country music, loves Jimmy Buffett, loves Bob Ross, and how America has influenced her life soooo much etc. The day the election results was announced she finally broke her silence after posting about her band (again) with a repost picture of Trump and captioned it a single word: “cyaaaa”
- We discussed how the days of influencers saying they “don't do politics” is coming to an end, Quirkerz didn't bother to post about BLM until influencers were begged by their audience to come forward and help raise awareness, Helen only followed suit when the rest of the Gleam team started posting about it – and it was all reposts of other people's posts and opinions anyway. Helen is the type of person who will watch or read the news unless it was put up on social media or if her mum tells her.
- Helen has never done any 'good' for others with her platform – even her real life friends reached out to her and asked her to share a post to help them get funds for an urgent operation for their dog (who, according to Helen, is her dog's boyfriend). Helen shared one Instagram story (that was only up for 24 hours) and never posted it or mentioned it ever again, it also doesn't appear that Helen has donated to the fund at all, and if she did it anonymously it would have only a measly £50 (she managed to purchased her £5,000 sofa around the time of the go fund me). Her friends are still in need of help, yet Helen is too busy spending a fortune on her next home renovation for rooms she's already decorated three times over in the four years that she's lived there.
- In her WE'RE CELEBRATING Vlog she complains about lock down being TOTAL BULLSHIT, but also gloats that she's managed to squeeze in all her beauty appointments in last minute so she says at least she'll “look good” - later backtracks on her comments after receiving backlash and says that she was concerned about job losses and people being isolated and lonely, but Quirkerz has never once helped people who are suffering in the pandemic by donating to charities, or food banks or used her platform to raise awareness of how we can help during this time, nor she has ever used her platform to help link resources for people who are feeling isolated and lonely.
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BEGGERZ IS BACK AGAIN
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- Has wanted a £120 toaster and kettle set for agggggggggges, and finally begged enough to get a free one
- Gets gifted some sanitary products but attempts to hide the gifted tag in her post, also trying to promote a product that may just be green washing, but as long as it's free, right Quirkz?
- Begs Fildo to get her a bunch of chocolate, her diet is tit it's no wonder she needs her 'poo pills' to help her “RELAX, JUST POOOO”
- After her tit “overwhelming” Autumnal content, she's out of ideas and on the beg for some content suggestions
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GUESS WHO'S BACK? BACK AGAIN? FILDO'S BACK..... TELL A FRIEND
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- At the end of her Exciting Times / October Feels & Favs video she mentions that Fil's back living with her
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ASKS FOR SCANDALOUS QUESTIONS, GETS OFFENDED
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- Asks on IG for people to ask her something scandalous, something that would be the kind of question that she's always avoided.....
- Gets asked a scandalous question asking her if she realises that she has Borderline Personality Disorder
- Helga posts the scandalous question and then goes on a rant about how it's not OK for people to diagnose her etc, also posts after the rant saying that she wasn't looking for sympathy but her DMs are going mad, and that she's relieved people agree with her – as if she was looking for some validation. Also says that people should think before they start making irresponsible assumptions especially regarding mental health.....
.....which is funny because:
- 3 months earlier she made the decision to compare mental health conditions with personality traits, and even asked her audience to compare who has it worse: someone who has social anxiety or someone who is blessed with confidence? She also assumed that to be introverted you had to be shy and socially anxious, and assumed that being extroverted people could only be ones who were confident and outgoing. She received backlash for these comments and said that it wasn't her intention to make a comparison..... but she literally asked the question “would you deem that as worse?”, she edited this video herself and left the comparison in. Even after the comments and backlash she left the comparison in and never rectified or addressed it. There's something soooo rich about an influencer commenting irresponsibly about a mental health condition they know nothing about and leaving damaging, ill-thought out comments about comparing which one can say they have it worse, than having one random person asking her a scandalous question that she asked for and then going off on it as if she's a mental health expert. (The general thought from Tattle is that we don't think she has BPD, we think she's just a massive head with incredibly high dependency issues with food, alcohol, furniture and men)
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TATTLE SAYS I ONLY GOT ONE PAIR OF UNDERWEAR, BETTER DIG OUT AND SQUEEZE INTO ALL MY FREE ANN SUMMERS SEX SUITS!!!
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- Decides to randomly do a skit to Craig David's '7 Days' song to show that she doesn't just have that single pair of crusty black undies that she always wears
- Goes from a little old lady look to suddenly attempting to squeeze herself in her old dusty Ann Summers garb
- Stands around waving a dildo
- Manages to show everyone her nipples again, and tries desperately to thin pose by squeezing her side in,
- We're not sure why she decided to do this skit – she looked ridiculous
- In her IG caption she thanks Craig David for giving her an excuse to put on her Ann Summers lingerie.... perhaps her wild sex life with Fildo the dildo has fizzled out
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"LOCKDOWN IS TOTAL BULLSHIT!"
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- In her WE'RE CELEBRATING Vlog she complains about lock down being TOTAL BULLSHIT, but also gloats that she's managed to squeeze in all her beauty appointments in last minute so she says at least she'll “look good”
- Also in the same vlog, she complains about the COVID THING being the reason why she couldn't release her single sooner
- Her “lock down is total bullshit” comment sparked a conversation in her comments where she had Minion Minnie try to stick up for Helga by claiming that the virus is all lies, hospitals aren't feeling the pressure from the virus and that this lock down is illegal
- Replies to the comments claiming that people were talking it out of context and tried to claim that she meant that it was a tit situation because people were losing their jobs.... but she never said a single thing about job losses in the video, she edited in her complaints about the fact that she couldn't go party and celebrate her single release as there was a curfew
- She then edited her reply, and said that “in the grand scheme of things, it's not that difficult to stay at home”....
But she forgets that throughout the ongoing pandemic she:
- Threw a 3 day party with all her mates staying over during the first lock down
- Went for multiple beach trips
- Went on holiday to travel around Scotland for the NCT 500 for a week
- Went for a secret trip to the south east for a week
- Went to Wales for the Aphetor Games for over a week, with 20 other influencers and a bunch of staff
- Went to Bath for her mum's birthday weekend
- Went to Alton Towers
- Travelled to London several times to get her hair done
- Struggled to hire a van for her trip to IKEA as soon as it re-opened because she couldn't wait for delivery (even though she ordered more stuff after her trip.... for delivery...)
- Practically lived in the bleeping garden centre
- Went to a Dinosaur Park (didn't social distance with Ellie or Cooper)
- Went to her Gym who hosted an 18 person classes (when the restrictions meant only classes of 6)
- Travelled to get multiple beauty treatments done just a couple of days before the second lock down happened (claimed she was supporting local businesses who are struggling, but she gets her pubes lasered at the SK:in Clinic which aren't a small business)
- Had to dash out and have one last meal of freedom as the second lock down happened (then moaned about England having a 10pm curfew and not being allowed to go party all night)
- During the second lock down, instead of taking her own car or doing a local walk - she took a bus to do a 16 mile walk
She also said that both her sisters “work for the NHS” so she has “huge respect and understanding” for the situation that the NHS is under.....
But, again, she forgets that during the pandemic she did the above plus:
- Admitted in a video that she never washes her hands after going to the toilet
- Filmed herself picking her nose constantly because it's her “favourite hobby”
- Put her fingers in her mouth all the time
- Constantly complains about wearing a mask
- When getting back lash for not wearing a mask out she make different excuses that she “kept forgetting” then it was “no one else is wearing one” and then snapped that “you don't have to wear them everywhere” (even though it was becoming mandatory a few days later)
- Said that people only complained about her not wearing a mask because it didn't “align with their personal beliefs”
- Told her audience that she's not going to hide away, she's going out to live her life
- Filmed herself touching multiple items in the shop but not purchasing them
- Filmed herself multiple times not social distancing
- Filmed herself touching other people's food
- Filmed herself going outside when she was sick with a 'cold' (but she also had a cough)
- Filmed herself going out to film her music video (whilst still sick) with no mask and no social distancing
- Filmed a scene of her music video inside a shop, again still sick with no mask, and with her and Ben touching and using items in the shop as props
- Was then goes on a rant about the fact that she isn't against the lock down and that there isn't anything for her to be responsible for, it's everyone else who's wrong, but still doesn't seem to understand what “taken out of context” means
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HOW TO GET CONFIDENT PERMANENTLY!
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In her 10 Ways to Boost Your Confidence PERMANENTLY video she tells her audience 9 ways (she left a number out) on how boost confidence:
- Two of her points were the same – don't compare yourself to others
- Her advice for confidence is the same as all her other advice giving dribble “JUST DO IT”
- Said that we need to make dressing “extra” the norm – and tells her audience to go out and wear a sequin leotard in to Tesco's
- Says we need to wear a fur coat
- Keeps repeating over and over how we need to just get naked and jiggle dance
- Also kept repeating that we need to start just wearing underwear around everyone
- Admitted that she her own permanent solution isn't very permanent as she still compares herself to others, and has also shown that she constantly flits between not giving a fuck and worrying about what others think
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THE BEST CRINGE MOMENT EVER
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- Valentines Day 2019, Helen gifts new boyfriend Mark matching “Till Death Do Us Park” necklaces, Mark places the gift to the side and tries desperately to get over the awkward moment by constantly sniffing the box that it was in and asking her what scent it is, as soon as Helen is distracted by Lola, Mark asks if he can go have a shower (most likely to wash off the cringe of what just happened)
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PREVIOUS THREAD PICTURE HIGHLIGHTS:
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Thanks it made me laugh a lot!
...but I guess it just shows how problematic Helen actually is 
