VIDEO: What I’ve Leant in Lockdown
1.
Her love for cooking and eating. (No shit)
Blames her “one” of her exes for her boring structured diet of chicken, rice and veg (because she’s a weak woman who needs to be told what to eat by men)
2.
Making simple fun (green strobe lighting from her camera - it’s already bored of her yapping)
She turned the house into a pub one day... made a den... did pie Friday but stopped cos they kept eating too much pie... did an Easter egg hunt.... put a tent up in the garden... baking together.... just little things. (Sounds like a riot)
3.
the slower pace of life - and how important it is.
She got fed up with having a routine, having to be here there and everywhere (you know... like having an actual job). Slowing down was a shock to her system
She took the whole lockdown literally as “do nothing, stay at home” she was so exhausted from previously working so hard poor likkle bwaby. Fought with wondering whether she should be productive or have a break.
If only it was the same for the millions of people who’s work was in jeopardy, struggling to try and feed their families, people who HAD NOT CHOICE but to work because they were on the front lines. Shove your guilt about deciding whether you wanted to work or go on a break right up your fucking arsehole. “Learn to take a slower pace, we should take some of that with us” ok say that to the doctors and nurses working around the clock.
3.
Take the time to enjoy the process of renovating your house says this impatient fool who just couldn’t wait for an IKEA delivery.
“I really enjoyed painting my fence - I didn’t want it to be over!” ....Wow. Simple things for simple minds.
4.
2020 isn’t cancelled (of course it’s fucking not, idiot. Why are you so obsessed with the everything being “cancelled” Jesus Christ.)
“We shouldn’t wish away our life, we shouldn’t wish away lockdown just so we can have our lives back” .... wut.
“We’re very lucky to be here, we’re very lucky that we’re not personally affected by this. And we should be grateful” finally you admit you haven’t been affected by covid - so you could have done some work then, yeah? or maybe you could have helped out people who WERE and still ARE affected? Nah of course not, you’re too selfish.
“At first I was really angry about it, I felt cheated” Woooow. “Now I’m trying not to put pressure on myself and just have fun”
Says when fast food opened again she was NOT of those people who went to the drive thru. She’s really not that bothered going now anyway. (....but...she got... Nando’s takeaway the other day.... so you did bothered Helen)
She says the only places she’s been to is the supermarket, b&q and the garden centre - everywhere else she’s not that fussed about (uhm hello Ikea? Are we pretending that didn’t happen now?)
5.
Relationships during lockdown
Acknowledges that she always gets comments about how she can’t be on her own, how she always has to have a boyfriend, how she’s always rushing things... No one can make that judgement unless they know her as a person or knows what her past relationships have been like... (you live your whole life online... wut?) She would never say that about anyone she knew either (yet she loves to keep commenting on Josie’s ig with puke emojis whenever Moonface puts up pictures of her and her boyfriend)
She doesn’t give a fuck what anyone thinks.
They stated dating in January and the reason why boyfriend couldn’t come home cos someone there was sick and said to keep away, then Boris was like you got to stay where you’re at and boyfriend didn’t actually want to go home anyway... (ok well it wasn’t sick from covid cos you literally just said you haven’t been affected by the whole covid situation.... sooo I’m calling bullshit) She thought lockdown was gonna last 3 weeks (cos she’s incapable of looking past the end of her nose and seeing what’s happening in the world)
“Would have I moved in with my boyfriend this soon if it wasn’t for covid? HELL NO” (but really yes because you have a history love) “This time I thought I’d take it slow” you do realise you could have said no? Like you just met the guy... you do realise that he has other options, but you just said
he didn’t want to go
he wanted to stay... You can say no and still have a relationship. I’m smelling some BS with this story.
“He’s a very active person, he likes to keep busy” yep busy racking up those kill streaks on Call of Duty
“when he was bored I took it really personally” RED FLAG RED FLAG THERE! This woman has issues!!!!
Gushes over boyfriend being so similar to her (that’s cos you’re morphing into him love)
“if anything was going to be a real relationship test, it was this” (wait I thought the
real relationship test was IKEA?
)
She might grace us with her wisdom of relationships in more detail another time (yay.)
6.
we’re less wasteful and more resourceful (says the woman who spent thousands on brand new shit for her house. So resourceful)
boyfriend has taught her how to be more resourceful with food (yeah by not letting her eat it
) makes her second guess what she buys from a food shop (controllinggggg)
7.
Supports independent small businesses (Like Ikea and Topshop)
8.
Appreciates her face more
“Oh this is what my face looks without make up” (she edits her videos right... she’s not wearing makeup a shit ton in her vlogs...)
9.
“Getting hair and nails done Ain’t the be all and end all”
No shit. Jesus. “Having no nails feels more me now” how long until she changes her mind and gets those god awful cat claws on her stubby nubs?
OH CLASSIC “All the people hounding hairdressers for a sneaky hair cut should feel ashamed of yourselves. There’s people fucking dying every single day and businesses being closed down. And you’re more concerned about your hair. Shameful.” (WHAT ABOUT YOU BREAKING SOCIAL DISTANCING AND HOSTING AN ILLEGAL PARTY JUST SO YOU COULD HAVE YOUR PRECIOUS DOWNLOAD EXPERIENCE WITH ALL YOUR MATES?)
10.
How much I love my friends and family she realised who matters and who puts out the effort for you. She praises people who reached out and did a zoom call to check in and see if
she was ok. (It works both ways Helen, did you check in with
them?)
11.
I love my garden and my home (yawn)
It had bad energy from previous “things” that have happened in her life and now she’s “hexercized” it “be gone of demons”
comments from the last section where she read other people’s lockdown lessons...
“why do we work all the fucking time? Why do we work to live?” Well you don’t Helen...
“I’ve started tracking my periods, I became a little self scientist... it was really fun”
“you don’t need to spend money to go out or drink with your mates to have a good time” says the girl who spent a tidy bundle on a home download festival for all her mates....
“I’ve become less materialistic, and stopped impulse buying things just because they were there... so true! Ok I have bought a few things over lockdown... in terms of a tv... a bin... I barely bought any clothes... I don’t have to buy stuff I don’t have that feeeling any more, I’m not interested...” neglects to mention garden crap and massive ikea haul which she had to rush out and grab ... (and she filmed this after she went ffs)
“I’m now finally buying from cool sustainable brands” then states that she bought her Lucy and Yak dungarees which is a big fat lie they were GIFTED
“I can appreciate my own company” Then a couple of comments later she says “I can’t be alone... I’m never alone.” It’s ok Helen, the first step is admitting it.
just say you vary between sizes and move on, otherwise it hurts the people you're supposedly trying to 'empower'. 
I have a low tolerance to bullshit and that video had heaps of it! 
