"Waitrose had changed. Where previously Mr K's Country Slices were 20p off, now they were at full price. I was pondering 'if this were legal. And should I contact my lawyer," when I noticed a child of three, or four, staring at me. The child was clearly ill-mannered, for when I stuck out my tongue in a humourous manner, the child looked distressed, and tugged at it's mother's coat. The woman stopped fingering the melons and caught me protruding. 'Bugger!' I thought. Knowing full-well that this incident would be on the front page of every website owned by the British Press before I got home.
There was nothing for it. Using all of my army training I beat a hasty retreat - only to find myself in an aisle stacked high with diapers and tena-pads. 'Is this all a woman's life is?' I questioned - thinking of what Meghan had said - before being distracted by the legs on a pack of barely-black tights.
My contemplation was shortlived. As I felt a sharp pain in my calf. I looked down and saw the child breezing past holding it's mother's hand. Neither paid the slightest attention to the injury they had caused. The child by accident, or inscrutible design, had knocked my basket into my leg.
I could see the woman was Chinese. So knew there was no point reasoning with her. She was probably a Dragon Lady or Tiger Mum, or some such. I consoled myself, reaching out to Red Cloud, my spirit guide, via the tiger-eye beads of my bracelet.
The universe clearly favoured me. For by the time I reached the beer asle, my basket was more than half empty. Meghan's doctor had told her she needed to put on weight - for the baby - so I had stocked up with Ambrosia, Goblin meat puddings and Crosse and Blackwell All Day Breakfast. So the basket was pretty heavy. Gan Gan's mummy always drank Guiness to keep her iron up. And since Meghan had been looking pale lately I diagnosed a touch of the toucan would do the trick. As I turned around, quite by chance, the child from earlier happened to be there: and my basket smacked it square in the face. As I predicted the mother, being Chinese, was quite unreasonable.
I scurried away, leaving the child in tears - it's forehead criss-crossed with welts.
I knew that if the British Press got hold of this I would be toast. The headlines would brand me a racist. So I made sure, that after paying, I clouted a white child, who I spotted by the Mr Tickle ride in the entrance, with a carrier bag as I exited.
When I got home I found Meghan collapsed in tears. I took her wet hand and asked my love how I could help. She pointed to the coffee table - which we had recently purchased from a rag-and-bone man on the Goldhak Road, using Meg's credit card - there I found it: a copy of the Sun - beside the cheque from Greggs. Splashed across page 3 in lurid, toxic detail, was the headline 'Meghan Gets Her Pasties Out'. I recoiled at the obviously pap'ed picture. The monsterous invasion of privacy. "Is this true," I asked. "No," wailed my loving wife, "They say it was a corn-beef pasty, but it wasn't, it wasn't, it was vegan sausage roll..." "This is Camilla's doing," I snarled, snatching up the rag and screwing it into a ball. "Camilla did this to get at me. She knows Willy and I had bet that Bakers Oven would be around longer than Greggs. She knew I liked Bakers Oven more." I hurled the scrunched newspaper across the room - tapping into the fury generated by my disgust for the Spikey Mikey.
Again fortune was with me, for as the newspaper bounced off the wall it landed in a Ming vase - that Meghan had borrowed from Willy's fancy appartments - it rolled around the vase's lip, before dropping into cavernous hole. I knew it was an omen - a sign from my mother - a signal from the universe that I would be a father for all mankind.
Later to cheer up Meghan I ordered a pizza - without telling her.
She spent two hours haranguing the delvery boy that she is allegic to pepperoni, until he begged for mercy and swore to never deliver pizzas again. Then unsated she rang to Scotland Yard demanding they investigate who had doxxed us.
She is so beautiful when she finds her voice."
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