Friends (or lack of)

[grumpy-nosy-cow]

Uni was (I'm still there but I'm on my year abroad so doesn't count atm lmao) the worst time for friends for me. Especially freshers.
I don't drink so I really struggled with fitting in because of that, and it really felt like everyone was having the most amazing time and had loads of friends and I had made one, who I now don't speak to.

My daughter is starting Uni this year and this is my main fear that she wont fit in as she doesn't drink either.
Shes struggled all her life making friends. Shes never been a follower and is happy to like stuff others may think wierd or uncool. Shes a kind person so often she would make the first move to befriend say a new pupil at school , do all the leg work then someone else in their group would take them over . she has one or two friends from school but they dont meet up that often.
She said shes never seems to be able to move past the acquaintance stage.
I worry so much about her being lonely there..

 

[Kim Mild]

My daughter is starting Uni this year and this is my main fear that she wont fit in as she doesn't drink either.
Shes struggled all her life making friends. Shes never been a follower and is happy to like stuff others may think wierd or uncool. Shes a kind person so often she would make the first move to befriend say a new pupil at school , do all the leg work then someone else in their group would take them over . she has one or two friends from school but they dont meet up that often.
She said shes never seems to be able to move past the acquaintance stage.
I worry so much about her being lonely there..

I think this describes me a bit . I have no desire to change to fit in either. I also never seem to move past the acquaintance stage.

 

[slugella]

My daughter is starting Uni this year and this is my main fear that she wont fit in as she doesn't drink either.
Shes struggled all her life making friends. Shes never been a follower and is happy to like stuff others may think wierd or uncool. Shes a kind person so often she would make the first move to befriend say a new pupil at school , do all the leg work then someone else in their group would take them over . she has one or two friends from school but they dont meet up that often.
She said shes never seems to be able to move past the acquaintance stage.
I worry so much about her being lonely there..

She sounds really lovely and kind. I would recommend she joins societies as some of them do activities that don't include drinking so could be a good way to make friends. Or if she has a particular interest she could always set one up around that, a lot of universities make it quite easy to do.

It was a bit of a mix of people at my uni, most people would drink sometimes but not everyone was set on getting wasted all the time so hopefully she will find her people!

 

[grumpy-nosy-cow]

She sounds really lovely and kind. I would recommend she joins societies as some of them do activities that don't include drinking so could be a good way to make friends. Or if she has a particular interest she could always set one up around that, a lot of universities make it quite easy to do.

It was a bit of a mix of people at my uni, most people would drink sometimes but not everyone was set on getting wasted all the time so hopefully she will find her people!

Thank you that's good to hear xx
She is kind but she doesn't have much in common with girls her age - shes not into make up / selfies / glam clothes / reality tv etc and shes probably a bit to normal for the alternative girls who she probably would have stuff in common with.
She seems to be able to make friends with boys more as she is interested in more male interests but this has its down sides as when they get girlfriends they disappear.
She's does jujitsu locally which she started with a male friend but now goes alone. there's some really nice older ladies there who have really made her welcome and included her in their whatsapp..but she said Mum i dont know what to reply sometimes as they're married with children!
She has based her uni choices (as well as on grades) on the he clubs and societies. The one she hopes to go to has a jujitsu club and despite her being shy she enjoyed drama at school so she said shes gonna try that Theres also equestrian clubs.
She also likes photography and art / films - she is also really quite funny but i think her humour is more adult than some of her peers.
I have tried to say that although you don't drink that doesn't mean you cant go along to the pub or evening out.
Hoping this can be a positive experience for her xx

 

[Tea_Time_12]

Thank you that's good to hear xx
She is kind but she doesn't have much in common with girls her age - shes not into make up / selfies / glam clothes / reality tv etc and shes probably a bit to normal for the alternative girls who she probably would have stuff in common with.
She seems to be able to make friends with boys more as she is interested in more male interests but this has its down sides as when they get girlfriends they disappear.
She's does jujitsu locally which she started with a male friend but now goes alone. there's some really nice older ladies there who have really made her welcome and included her in their whatsapp..but she said Mum i dont know what to reply sometimes as they're married with children!
She has based her uni choices (as well as on grades) on the he clubs and societies. The one she hopes to go to has a jujitsu club and despite her being shy she enjoyed drama at school so she said shes gonna try that Theres also equestrian clubs.
She also likes photography and art / films - she is also really quite funny but i think her humour is more adult than some of her peers.
I have tried to say that although you don't drink that doesn't mean you cant go along to the pub or evening out.
Hoping this can be a positive experience for her xx

She certainly can go to the pub and not drink. One of my friends can’t drink due to being on medication. He says the non alcoholic beers are fine or he gets a glass of Coca Cola, no one bats an eye. Most people are in the pub to socialize and catch up.

Sounds like she has some solid options with her clubs. I’m sure she’ll meet people through them. If she likes talking to certain people in her clubs then she can ask if they want to get a quick meal, coffee, etc once it’s over. It will show that she’s interested in talking to and seeing them more often but still keep everything relaxed and casual.

 

[disneys]

Hi all .. I think I’ve found my people !

My main group of friends I met at uni and they are just not in the same stage as life as me .. they don’t have kids whereas I’m married with a 2 year old , and quite often I am left out of plans with them so I’m feeling lonely

My son was born in 2019 and then 8 months later we went into lockdown and any small connections I made with other mums at playgroups etc have fizzled out .. I also left my job when my maternity leave ended in 2020 to study for a career change and I’m finding not having colleagues etc very isolating

I wish I could be one of those people who could strike up convo etc with random mums I see at the park but I’m just massively shy .. we are looking into getting my son into nursery soon so im hoping I might meet some mums there but I’m just massively lonely at the moment

has anyone tried bumble BFF ? I’m thinking about it .. has anyone had any success ?

 

[HeyLetsGo]

It sounds like a lot of us feel the same way

My best friend completely ditched our little group of friends (4 of us were very close) after she had her 2nd baby. Myself and another friend had our 1st babies at the same time and when we were all pregnant we made loads of plans to do nice things together on maternity leave. Then as soon as the babies were here she just wasn’t interested, she just stopped turning up places when we’d made plans, and just totally changed the way she was with us. After months of her sacking us off, like she literally never turned up when had plans ever, I messaged her just to check if everything was ok and say i was concern that we’d upset her somehow, and she put me on a massive guilt trip saying how busy she was all the time and basically saying I was trying to make her feel bad for not having time for us. So weird because clearly her intention was to stop hanging around with us because at the same time she started hanging around with her husband’s friends wife’s who she seemed to have plenty of time for!

It really upset me at the time, we’d been best friends for 18 years! My mum also died at around the same times as well so I think it hit harder than it would have in normal circumstances.

I still have my 2 lovely and fantastic friends who I’ve know since primary school and I hold onto those friendships dearly now as I know the pain of losing close friends and don’t wish to repeat the process.

It’s so hard holding onto friends and making new ones. I’m rubbish at making new friends too, reading all of your stories has made me feel so much better about this.

Love to you all xxx

 

[peachhes]

I have friends but I don’t if that makes sense? I had two really close friends over the past 6 years but one of them went off to Uni and eventually moved there permanently. So we don’t speak any more. I have another close friend who I still speak to a lot but haven’t seen her for around 2 years
No one I know has a child, I have a 2 year old. I struggle in social environments with lots of people I don’t know, I’m confident but not around strangers! I had one mum friend but again, she moved away so I don’t see her anymore. It’s so hard. I feel like I’m missing out on friendships because I literally have none.
I’m clinging on to the fact I could make mum friends when my son starts school in 2 years or nursery next year

 

[Maid22]

There are times it would be nice to txt or talk to someone, specially now, but I know it wouldn't mean tit to them, just having a wobble tonight, will get my tit back together tomorrow, good to have somewhere to write it down.

 

[Lilbear1]

There are times it would be nice to txt or talk to someone, specially now, but I know it wouldn't mean tit to them, just having a wobble tonight, will get my tit back together tomorrow, good to have somewhere to write it down.

Hope you are ok

 

[nikita14]

Reading all of these messages made me feel seen I’ve always struggled maintaining friends, I feel like the ones I’ve had have been very seasonal, and always felt people never made a proper effort to keep in touch with me so I probably wasn’t important enough. I do have 1 or 2 friends and a partner who understand the introvert I am. I do wish I had more friends, but at the same time I don’t know if I could maintain them?

 

[isabellalovescats]

Reading all of these messages made me feel seen I’ve always struggled maintaining friends, I feel like the ones I’ve had have been very seasonal, and always felt people never made a proper effort to keep in touch with me so I probably wasn’t important enough. I do have 1 or 2 friends and a partner who understand the introvert I am. I do wish I had more friends, but at the same time I don’t know if I could maintain them?

I feel you on having seasonal friends. Had a friend group in middle school, they liked me enough to keep me in but I was the least favorite. Then, high school I had a best friend whom I still keep in touch with now and then over text but she dips in and out of life for months. College best friend and I fell apart after graduation. Same with the one girl I really liked a lot on Master’s program. I’m now starting a PhD in a new city with no one I know but my past friends were all quite seasonal so I am really struggling with the lack of friends, especially when it’s still lockdown. Sorry for the rant. I wonder why I can’t seem to maintain friends because when I’m in season for them, they seemed to really enjoy my company. Do you know why you struggle with it?

 

[nikita14]

I feel you on having seasonal friends. Had a friend group in middle school, they liked me enough to keep me in but I was the least favorite. Then, high school I had a best friend whom I still keep in touch with now and then over text but she dips in and out of life for months. College best friend and I fell apart after graduation. Same with the one girl I really liked a lot on Master’s program. I’m now starting a PhD in a new city with no one I know but my past friends were all quite seasonal so I am really struggling with the lack of friends, especially when it’s still lockdown. Sorry for the rant. I wonder why I can’t seem to maintain friends because when I’m in season for them, they seemed to really enjoy my company. Do you know why you struggle with it?

I totally understand! I always feel like the least favourite, I’ve been told it’s in my head but the evidence suggests otherwise lol. At the same time I feel strange for always reaching out to people so I eventually stop. I find it really hard to reply to messages and I have ADHD so it makes it hard to maintain consistent friendships. The friends I do have now we can go months without interaction and still be good and that’s probably the only reason I have friends.

I went to uni with this girl and even travelled for her wedding after graduation for her to never speak to me afterwards

 

[HeyLetsGo]

Does anyone else get frustrated by those “inspirational quotes” people post on the ‘gram about cutting out “toxic” people from your life and reducing your friendship circles etc.

They make me so sad when I see them, it makes me worry about being one of those “toxic” people and is that why people stopped being friends with me?

 

[theweekend]

Does anyone else get frustrated by those “inspirational quotes” people post on the ‘gram about cutting out “toxic” people from your life and reducing your friendship circles etc.

They make me so sad when I see them, it makes me worry about being one of those “toxic” people and is that why people stopped being friends with me?

Controversial maybe... But for me it’s the “It’s your duty to keep checking up on your friends, even if they’ve ignored you for 6 months” - erm sorry what? What about the mental health of the friend that's being ghosted? And then if that person does actually hurt themselves it’s automatically the fault of the friends that didn’t keep trying.

It’s not fair or realistic to expect people to take on that emotional labour for 'friends' making 0 effort - also based on the assumption that everyone that's gone quiet is struggling with their mental health? Most people are just rude pricks

 

[thunderfook]

The same thing happened to me, it makes you feel absolutely crap doesn't it

I’ve just stumbled on this post whilst contemplating how I can stop being such a loner. I’m single, live alone and have no friends in my current location. I moved here last Summer to be closer to my mum, as she was really struggling with loneliness since lockdown began. I thought at least we could bubble, but honestly it’s been a nightmare. I don’t get on very well with my siblings after a nasty betrayal by one sister during my divorce and the other sibling’s have taken her side so I have distanced myself from them all. I had a breakdown two years ago and even my therapist advised me to cut ties as it was making me feel even worse to try and get on with them for the sake of everyone telling me ‘you can’t fall out with family’.

Now I’m near my mum all I get is regular updates on how great their lives are and a subtle nod of disappointment at the way I live my life because I’m not married, don’t have kids, freelance in my work and won’t buy a property because I can’t afford to buy anywhere in a decent area. I cannot even talk to her because she uses everything I say against me.

My truest friends are in Australia and I’m so damaged from previous betrayals that I have (diagnosed) PTSD and trust issues. I really want to make new friends, but am so terrified of being judged and disliked. Obviously I seem to have a knack of upsetting people! It’s nice to know I’m not the only one (although I am sorry for anyone going through the same loneliness).

 

[no-no]

Does anyone else get frustrated by those “inspirational quotes” people post on the ‘gram about cutting out “toxic” people from your life and reducing your friendship circles etc.

They make me so sad when I see them, it makes me worry about being one of those “toxic” people and is that why people stopped being friends with me?

9 times out of 10 those posts are just to get the attention of said toxic person.

If you were truly toxic you wouldn’t even be contemplating that as a reason so don’t feel sad.

 

[Lilbear1]

I’ve just stumbled on this post whilst contemplating how I can stop being such a loner. I’m single, live alone and have no friends in my current location. I moved here last Summer to be closer to my mum, as she was really struggling with loneliness since lockdown began. I thought at least we could bubble, but honestly it’s been a nightmare. I don’t get on very well with my siblings after a nasty betrayal by one sister during my divorce and the other sibling’s have taken her side so I have distanced myself from them all. I had a breakdown two years ago and even my therapist advised me to cut ties as it was making me feel even worse to try and get on with them for the sake of everyone telling me ‘you can’t fall out with family’.

Now I’m near my mum all I get is regular updates on how great their lives are and a subtle nod of disappointment at the way I live my life because I’m not married, don’t have kids, freelance in my work and won’t buy a property because I can’t afford to buy anywhere in a decent area. I cannot even talk to her because she uses everything I say against me.

My truest friends are in Australia and I’m so damaged from previous betrayals that I have (diagnosed) PTSD and trust issues. I really want to make new friends, but am so terrified of being judged and disliked. Obviously I seem to have a knack of upsetting people! It’s nice to know I’m not the only one (although I am sorry for anyone going through the same loneliness).

Hope you"re ok. You never realise just how many other lonely people there are. We can be here for each other

 

[thunderfook]

Hope you"re ok. You never realise just how many other lonely people there are. We can be here for each other

Thank you. I appreciate that and yes definitely we can be. Now I’m able to work out properly I feel a lot more balanced.

 

[Blonde123]

My daughter is starting Uni this year and this is my main fear that she wont fit in as she doesn't drink either.
Shes struggled all her life making friends. Shes never been a follower and is happy to like stuff others may think wierd or uncool. Shes a kind person so often she would make the first move to befriend say a new pupil at school , do all the leg work then someone else in their group would take them over . she has one or two friends from school but they dont meet up that often.
She said shes never seems to be able to move past the acquaintance stage.
I worry so much about her being lonely there..

Best thing is for her to join some sort of club during freshers week x