Friends (or lack of)

Status
Thread locked. We start a new thread when they have over 1000 posts, click the blue button to see all threads for this topic and find the latest open thread.
New to Tattle Life? Click "Order Thread by Most Liked Posts" button below to get an idea of what the site is about:
I’ve just stumbled on this post whilst contemplating how I can stop being such a loner. I’m single, live alone and have no friends in my current location. I moved here last Summer to be closer to my mum, as she was really struggling with loneliness since lockdown began. I thought at least we could bubble, but honestly it’s been a nightmare. I don’t get on very well with my siblings after a nasty betrayal by one sister during my divorce and the other sibling’s have taken her side so I have distanced myself from them all. I had a breakdown two years ago and even my therapist advised me to cut ties as it was making me feel even worse to try and get on with them for the sake of everyone telling me ‘you can’t fall out with family’.

Now I’m near my mum all I get is regular updates on how great their lives are and a subtle nod of disappointment at the way I live my life because I’m not married, don’t have kids, freelance in my work and won’t buy a property because I can’t afford to buy anywhere in a decent area. I cannot even talk to her because she uses everything I say against me.

My truest friends are in Australia and I’m so damaged from previous betrayals that I have (diagnosed) PTSD and trust issues. I really want to make new friends, but am so terrified of being judged and disliked. Obviously I seem to have a knack of upsetting people! It’s nice to know I’m not the only one (although I am sorry for anyone going through the same loneliness).
Could you look into relocating to Australia? If you have friends there? It might be just what you need to break out of the way things are now and get a fresh start?
In any case I’d probably distance yourself from you mum - both physically and emotionally. You don’t need to live near her, covid or no covid, lockdown or not. Get out of where you are and move somewhere you want to live, and live your own life
 
  • Like
Reactions: 2
Over the years I’ve lost a lot of friends. My life changed for the better and I noticed a lot of my friends were toxic so I cut them out. I also don’t have any family. Luckily my partner is my best friend but I miss having girly times.
I had a good friend but she lives far away. We have been really close but since lockdown last year she’s rather distant. We keep in touch.
We have conversations over what’s app. She then asks me questions and then I respond. She doesn’t even reply and I hear nothing for weeks.
Then me or her will touch base and again and the same thing keeps repeating. She asks questions about my life. I respond and she ignores. This has happened for over a year. I feel like I’ve done something wrong. I’ll send messages and she ignores me.
I just don’t know what to do. I feel like she’s gone off the friendship. I think it hurts more as I mentioned I was lonely and that was a huge thing for me to share with her and it’s the same I’m constantly ignored.
I want to make new friends or connections at the moment. I miss doing girly things, having a catch up with a friend, going out. I just yearn for a decent friendship.
 
  • Like
  • Heart
Reactions: 4
Hopefully uni will bring her out of her shell. There are so many activities to get involved in and a lot of young people aren’t into drinking these days. Is she in halls? Another great place to met new people
Could you look into relocating to Australia? If you have friends there? It might be just what you need to break out of the way things are now and get a fresh start?
In any case I’d probably distance yourself from you mum - both physically and emotionally. You don’t need to live near her, covid or no covid, lockdown or not. Get out of where you are and move somewhere you want to live, and live your own life
I don’t think Australia is the answer. As lovely as it is, I don’t feel it’s the place for me and my friends all have partners there, so no doubt I wouldn’t see much of them. I think I just need to find my own ‘soul tribe’ (as one of the middle-aged Indian male therapist told me (weird eh!)) Part of the issue is finding friends who are in the same phase of life as me and want to do more than just go out drinking. I like to go to spas, hiking, music gigs, the theatre etc. I also plan to go on a surfing holiday and do a detox retreat after they announce the next freedom phase and then just focus on work and getting super fit again. I will also try and date a bit and have some adventures. And you’re right, I will definitely distance myself from my mum. I keep making excuses that work is manic, and no lockdown is over I can pretend to be busy doing other things too haha! ❤
 
Hopefully uni will bring her out of her shell. There are so many activities to get involved in and a lot of young people aren’t into drinking these days. Is she in halls? Another great place to met new people

I don’t think Australia is the answer. As lovely as it is, I don’t feel it’s the place for me and my friends all have partners there, so no doubt I wouldn’t see much of them. I think I just need to find my own ‘soul tribe’ (as one of the middle-aged Indian male therapist told me (weird eh!)) Part of the issue is finding friends who are in the same phase of life as me and want to do more than just go out drinking. I like to go to spas, hiking, music gigs, the theatre etc. I also plan to go on a surfing holiday and do a detox retreat after they announce the next freedom phase and then just focus on work and getting super fit again. I will also try and date a bit and have some adventures. And you’re right, I will definitely distance myself from my mum. I keep making excuses that work is manic, and no lockdown is over I can pretend to be busy doing other things too haha! ❤
Could you think about joining an outdoors group or surfing group something like that? I've done Kayaking and scuba diving etc and met loads of people though these. Not lifelong friends but nice people in the main.Running/fell running type groups are good as well.
 
I have 1 close friend, the others I was close to but then ghosted me cos I can’t stand drama. Couldn’t be happier!!
 
  • Like
Reactions: 2
Over the years I’ve lost a lot of friends. My life changed for the better and I noticed a lot of my friends were toxic so I cut them out. I also don’t have any family. Luckily my partner is my best friend but I miss having girly times.
I had a good friend but she lives far away. We have been really close but since lockdown last year she’s rather distant. We keep in touch.
We have conversations over what’s app. She then asks me questions and then I respond. She doesn’t even reply and I hear nothing for weeks.
Then me or her will touch base and again and the same thing keeps repeating. She asks questions about my life. I respond and she ignores. This has happened for over a year. I feel like I’ve done something wrong. I’ll send messages and she ignores me.
I just don’t know what to do. I feel like she’s gone off the friendship. I think it hurts more as I mentioned I was lonely and that was a huge thing for me to share with her and it’s the same I’m constantly ignored.
I want to make new friends or connections at the moment. I miss doing girly things, having a catch up with a friend, going out. I just yearn for a decent friendship.
I don’t have an answer, but am in a similar position with one of my friends. It ended up really upsetting me, so I blocked her on WhatsApp. After a month she dropped a card to apologise (she lives nearby) and asked if she’d upset me. We had a chat on WhatsApp and I explained why I felt hurt. She said she didn’t mean to and that she often forgets to finish replies and send them. I then arranged to meet with her for a coffee. Since then same thing has started happening- I’d message, she’ll reply and ask questions, I’d reply and then not hear from her for weeks until I message her again. I’ve decided it’s prob not meant to be the close relationship I thought we had.

I have an amazing bestie who lives abroad who I keep in regular contact and can count on. With age I’m starting to accept that when it comes to friends quality over quantity is what counts.
 
  • Like
Reactions: 4
I’m a bit late to this thread but just wanted to add my thoughts.
I’m quite shy so I don’t make new friends easily and those I had when I was younger drifted away mainly when we all settled down and had kids at different times.
I found I’d try to keep in touch with friends who had babies but would often be sidelined for mums groups and play dates. Then when I had kids myself I was a bit isolated because my friends children were all at school or play school, so they’d all returned to work or were free to go out and do stuff in the daytime that didn’t involve taking kids along.
So my friends became my husband and kids and my world became very small.
What sealed my attitude towards friendships was when I had a major family crisis and not one person that I would have called a friend bothered to call me to see how I was.
I now tend to think of people as acquaintances rather than friends, and have done for years. I’ll always reach out to people who are having a rough time and am always there to give a listening ear to anyone who needs it, but I don’t have any expectations of anyone and I feel that anyone who is lucky enough to have true friends should absolutely treasure and value them because they’re hard to come by.
Even now, I’ve been unwell this week, but no one outside the home has contacted me to see how I am, whereas good manners alone would mean I’d message anyone who wasn’t well to see how they are.
I hope this doesn’t sound self pitying; i have come to think that there’s something about me that makes me easily forgettable! But I’m ok with it now and probably too old to change anyway. I do sometimes wish I had at least one really close, genuine friend but I have a group of girls that I go out with from time to time and I’ve contented myself with that.
 
  • Heart
  • Like
Reactions: 19
@apollo1 - very relatable.

What I've come to realise about female friendships is that they are often very life-stage-dependent. So whether you're a student, young professional, settling down, having babies, divorced etc, the people you spend the most time with will usually be at the same stage in their lives - regardless of whether you consider them close friends.

Many of the 'friends' I made in my early-20s were seemingly just looking for wing-women until they found someone to settle down with.

Friendship that doesn't feel transient is truly elusive, particularly in big cities.
 
  • Like
  • Heart
Reactions: 11
Coming back here - I still don't have friends! I moved to this new town in late September last year and because there has been lockdown after lockdown after lockdown, I still know no one.

Making friends after college/uni is extremely difficult. I only have two people who I text with a few times a week or so but they are both thousands of miles away. I really miss having in-person company and friendship. I have also developed pretty intense social anxiety after 2017 so that does not help.

I have been trying to socialize through dating apps but it is nearly impossible to find people who just want to socialize first and become friends before potentially pursuing anything even. I wish there were apps for platonic female friends but there is none. Bumble BFF bleeping sucks.
 
  • Like
  • Heart
Reactions: 7
Coming back here - I still don't have friends! I moved to this new town in late September last year and because there has been lockdown after lockdown after lockdown, I still know no one.

Making friends after college/uni is extremely difficult. I only have two people who I text with a few times a week or so but they are both thousands of miles away. I really miss having in-person company and friendship. I have also developed pretty intense social anxiety after 2017 so that does not help.

I have been trying to socialize through dating apps but it is nearly impossible to find people who just want to socialize first and become friends before potentially pursuing anything even. I wish there were apps for platonic female friends but there is none. Bumble BFF bleeping sucks.
You need to get out and actually meet real people. Join clubs/groups for things you actually like - you need to meet people who are interested in the same things you are. Do you work outside your home? Do you like anyone you work with?
dating apps aren’t going to help in this situation.
 
  • Like
Reactions: 2
Coming back here - I still don't have friends! I moved to this new town in late September last year and because there has been lockdown after lockdown after lockdown, I still know no one.

Making friends after college/uni is extremely difficult. I only have two people who I text with a few times a week or so but they are both thousands of miles away. I really miss having in-person company and friendship. I have also developed pretty intense social anxiety after 2017 so that does not help.

I have been trying to socialize through dating apps but it is nearly impossible to find people who just want to socialize first and become friends before potentially pursuing anything even. I wish there were apps for platonic female friends but there is none. Bumble BFF bleeping sucks.
Have you tried meet up?
 
  • Like
Reactions: 1
Have you tried meet up?
I did! But almost all groups are virtual so I quickly lost interest. I’m burnt out from Zoom since the end of last year and aside from required work calls, I don’t like doing virtual stuff anymore . :(

You need to get out and actually meet real people. Join clubs/groups for things you actually like - you need to meet people who are interested in the same things you are. Do you work outside your home? Do you like anyone you work with?
dating apps aren’t going to help in this situation.
I have been working from home and will be at least until September. Things are not too open here yet (grocery stores and retail open but not even hair salons yet etc.) so clubs and groups are not happening at the moment. :( I do like two girls I work with and we work together for two hours over Zoom with our cameras on and mics muted every Wednesday. That’s pretty much it so far.
 
I did! But almost all groups are virtual so I quickly lost interest. I’m burnt out from Zoom since the end of last year and aside from required work calls, I don’t like doing virtual stuff anymore . :(



I have been working from home and will be at least until September. Things are not too open here yet (grocery stores and retail open but not even hair salons yet etc.) so clubs and groups are not happening at the moment. :( I do like two girls I work with and we work together for two hours over Zoom with our cameras on and mics muted every Wednesday. That’s pretty much it so far.
Oh they will be at the moment, but when restrictions lift and people are vaccinated you will find a lot more groups opening up again. It’s such a tit time to try and form anything, but if you join some virtual groups you can build up a rapport before you meet. Walking groups? Local gym? I don’t know what you’re into, but have a look on the notice board in your supermarket and local papers to see if they’re are any local activities. Volunteering locally too if you have the time?
 
  • Like
Reactions: 3
Coming back here - I still don't have friends! I moved to this new town in late September last year and because there has been lockdown after lockdown after lockdown, I still know no one.

Making friends after college/uni is extremely difficult. I only have two people who I text with a few times a week or so but they are both thousands of miles away. I really miss having in-person company and friendship. I have also developed pretty intense social anxiety after 2017 so that does not help.

I have been trying to socialize through dating apps but it is nearly impossible to find people who just want to socialize first and become friends before potentially pursuing anything even. I wish there were apps for platonic female friends but there is none. Bumble BFF bleeping sucks.
There are other websites you could check out, internations and conversation exchange are good, especially after moving to a new town
 
  • Wow
Reactions: 1
Oh they will be at the moment, but when restrictions lift and people are vaccinated you will find a lot more groups opening up again. It’s such a tit time to try and form anything, but if you join some virtual groups you can build up a rapport before you meet. Walking groups? Local gym? I don’t know what you’re into, but have a look on the notice board in your supermarket and local papers to see if they’re are any local activities. Volunteering locally too if you have the time?
Sorry, I didn’t see your reply until now! I will try to find a walking group. That would be nice. I am way too self conscious to join a gym. Thank you so much for your encouragement.

There are other websites you could check out, internations and conversation exchange are good, especially after moving to a new town
I didn’t know about these websites! I will check them out, thank you!

Currently watching this and wanting to cry. I used to have a girl who I got on so well with for a year or so. But I missed her birthday party because I had an anxiety attack and she hasn’t hanged out with me since then I moved away. I miss her. Everyone told us that she’s the Serena to my Blair.

 
  • Heart
Reactions: 1
Sorry, I didn’t see your reply until now! I will try to find a walking group. That would be nice. I am way too self conscious to join a gym. Thank you so much for your encouragement.



I didn’t know about these websites! I will check them out, thank you!

Currently watching this and wanting to cry. I used to have a girl who I got on so well with for a year or so. But I missed her birthday party because I had an anxiety attack and she hasn’t hanged out with me since then I moved away. I miss her. Everyone told us that she’s the Serena to my Blair.

That’s a shame (about the gym). I go to classes every day and believe me there are all shapes, sizes and ages and we all have fun. Hopefully your confidence will build up over time.
 
  • Like
  • Heart
Reactions: 2
That’s a shame (about the gym). I go to classes every day and believe me there are all shapes, sizes and ages and we all have fun. Hopefully your confidence will build up over time.
There are ladies only gyms - places like curves. Ladies only and tends to be people who like yourself are perhaps new to the gym environment or who are feeling self conscious and don’t feel they could go into a mixed gym. Really friendly, really welcoming and just regular normal folk - not the stereotypical gym goer!

I know its hard but you are going to have to push yourself and start trying new things in order to get yourself out there and mixing with/meeting new people. It’s far easier to get to know people when you are all doing something together - like starting at a gym or joining a sports club etc
 
  • Like
  • Heart
Reactions: 3
There are ladies only gyms - places like curves. Ladies only and tends to be people who like yourself are perhaps new to the gym environment or who are feeling self conscious and don’t feel they could go into a mixed gym. Really friendly, really welcoming and just regular normal folk - not the stereotypical gym goer!

I know its hard but you are going to have to push yourself and start trying new things in order to get yourself out there and mixing with/meeting new people. It’s far easier to get to know people when you are all doing something together - like starting at a gym or joining a sports club etc
This is why I said classes. Yes I’m fit and go every day, but mostly for my mental health as it’s the only thing that keeps me focused. They’re are loads of different types and newbies all the time and we all talk and encourage each other. I’ve seen women in their 60s lift more weights than men in body pump, so even I’m impressed. You have to remember regardless of size and age we’re all there for our own reasons and have our own insecurities. That’s life, but if you feel supported you soon stop worrying.
 
  • Like
  • Heart
Reactions: 4
I have no close friends left- two friends are angry at me and we have had a falling out. I feel like such a loser. It’s really affecting my mental health.
 
  • Heart
Reactions: 3
Status
Thread locked. We start a new thread when they have over 1000 posts, click the blue button to see all threads for this topic and find the latest open thread.