For anybody struggling ❤

[Dotty Merton]

My mother died by suicide too, it’s hardly a “ditto!!” moment, but it’s always strangely comforting to know I’m not the only one. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, yet conversely I’m glad I’m not alone (and neither are you.)

I've never talked directly with someone whose Mum died by suicide before and have really wanted to, so a very big Helloooo. Mums have so many expectations put on them, it's really difficult to be one and to loose one. For us it's like being in a tribe not of ones choosing. What has helped you Squit?

 

[Squittel]

I've never talked directly with someone whose Mum died by suicide before and have really wanted to, so a very big Helloooo. Mums have so many expectations put on them, it's really difficult to be one and to loose one. For us it's like being in a tribe not of ones choosing. What has helped you Squit?

Honestly, therapy. Therapy to help me realise how serious losing my mum was. I was young when it happened and as I became older I built this fortress around it where I could talk about it without much emotion and told myself that although it was tragic it didn’t effect me too much.

The fact that I didn’t allow myself to get too close to my own daughter in her first year on this Earth? Nope. That had nothing to do with being scared of leaving her. The fact that I worry constantly about people in my family dying and if they don’t answer the phone straightaway I would assume they were dead? Nope. Completely normal. The fact that I used to spend a good portion of my time worrying that my daughter would die? Nope. Nothing to do with my mum.

Therapy actually drummed into me that it’s ok that it hurts. That I am a disaster planner and that I sometimes need to stop imagining all the worst case scenarios but also that it’s natural that I do because what is the worst thing a child can imagine? Losing their mother usually. And the worst thing did happen to me, so why shouldn’t it happen again? I had to always feel constantly prepared for EVERYTHING and that was exhausting.

Therapy also helped me realise that my mother loved me and it wasn’t a choice she made. It was also not my fault, that I wasn’t a “bad” child which I had believed for a long time. It helped me to grieve for her a second time, but this time more healthily. It helped me to speak to her sisters (my aunts) about her instead of just never talking about her and find out more about her as an adult and what she was like, without the last few months of her life hanging over me.

Last year I became older than my mum when she died. That was a weird one. But it was like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. I could never imagine being older than her. I felt certain I would die somehow too. But I didn’t. I’m still here.

What about you? How have you coped?

 

[InTheDollsHouse]

@Squittel thank you, really truly thank you for writing that. I’m having a really hard crappy day and reading your words - although not actually what’s happening here - really helped.

Sharing the honesty of the constant worry just made me feel a little less alone.

Thank you x

 

[Squittel]

@Squittel thank you, really truly thank you for writing that. I’m having a really hard crappy day and reading your words - although not actually what’s happening here - really helped.

Sharing the honesty of the constant worry just made me feel a little less alone.

Thank you x

I’m glad I think anyone who has gone through something can easily teeter over into disaster planner territory and can become on constant alert. It’s more than being just “a worrier” isn’t it? the fears and anxieties can just consume you, particularly on bad days. I should think it’s why a lot of us from the other thread felt so strongly for Nicola and became so absorbed in what had happened to her.

 

[InTheDollsHouse]

I’m glad I think anyone who has gone through something can easily teeter over into disaster planner territory and can become on constant alert. It’s more than being just “a worrier” isn’t it? the fears and anxieties can just consume you, particularly on bad days. I should think it’s why a lot of us from the other thread felt so strongly for Nicola and became so absorbed in what had happened to her.

When the worst has happened, you know it can happen.

 

[Dotty Merton]

Honestly, therapy. Therapy to help me realise how serious losing my mum was.

What about you? How have you coped?

Thats really interesting about the age, I was an adult, I have a way to go yet, my Mum died 14 years older than I am now (my Dad died at the same age as Mum, diff reason #fuckcancer) so I am becoming increasingly aware of that date and that I should grab life, just incase. With a daughter too I also recognise some of your fears and do try not to project my own on hers, it's not easy or always doable is it.

I had immediate grief counselling at the time which was very helpful. I recognise that I probably would find some benefit in going into further counselling about Mum and my wider relationship which was very complicated but I am avoidant of that for a number of reasons.

I found nature my best cure all, I volunteered very quickly with a gardening in the community organisation which really brought some light and life back into my life. I work in art therapy sometimes and went nuts with projects, changed my career totally. My daughter was a late teen at the time so I had time for me. I felt that I must do the things that make me happy just incase not doing them would make me as sad as Mum. I make sure I get some exercise and sun on my face, I've found a bit of buddhist practice/mediation very useful and am lucky to have some older girlfriends who provide a shoulder to wibble on and some sage advice when required which I am incredibly grateful for. Nothing can replace 'your Mum' even if it was a tricky relationship, I miss her dearly especially now the daffs are up.

 

[Pumpkin84]

@Squittel I know that feeling all too well, having to feel prepared for anything and everything is mentally and physically exhausting. I don't feel ready to talk about my own past and the issues that it has caused me in adult life as I get scared that if I do I'll start spiralling. Reading everybody else's struggles, and seeing many others feeling the same way I do makes me feel less alone though. I think you are all amazing and stronger than you may know

My nan used to say "this too shall pass". And whenever I've been through dark spells, I would hold on to that, almost like a mantra because its true, better days will come.

 

[Squittel]

Thats really interesting about the age, I was an adult, I have a way to go yet, my Mum died 14 years older than I am now (my Dad died at the same age as Mum, diff reason #fuckcancer) so I am becoming increasingly aware of that date and that I should grab life, just incase. With a daughter too I also recognise some of your fears and do try not to project my own on hers, it's not easy or always doable is it.

I had immediate grief counselling at the time which was very helpful. I recognise that I probably would find some benefit in going into further counselling about Mum and my wider relationship which was very complicated but I am avoidant of that for a number of reasons.

I found nature my best cure all, I volunteered very quickly with a gardening in the community organisation which really brought some light and life back into my life. I work in art therapy sometimes and went nuts with projects, changed my career totally. My daughter was a late teen at the time so I had time for me. I felt that I must do the things that make me happy just incase not doing them would make me as sad as Mum. I make sure I get some exercise and sun on my face, I've found a bit of buddhist practice/mediation very useful and am lucky to have some older girlfriends who provide a shoulder to wibble on and some sage advice when required which I am incredibly grateful for. Nothing can replace 'your Mum' even if it was a tricky relationship, I miss her dearly especially now the daffs are up.

That’s amazing that nature helps you, I think it would help me too if I went outside more I often manage to get very involved in artsy projects and find them very relaxing. I have ADHD so having an outlet for that extra creativity really helps. I’m so glad you got grief counselling at the time! That’s so important when you have so many feelings floating around and you’re trying to make sense of things. I think I probably should have had something like that as a child but my family just had no idea what to do. Everyone was just in shock and they just kind of tried to carry on as normal. They did what they thought was right but it did have some ramifications.
---

@Squittel I know that feeling all too well, having to feel prepared for anything and everything is mentally and physically exhausting. I don't feel ready to talk about my own past and the issues that it has caused me in adult life as I get scared that if I do I'll start spiralling. Reading everybody else's struggles, and seeing many others feeling the same way I do makes me feel less alone though. I think you are all amazing and stronger than you may know

My nan used to say "this too shall pass". And whenever I've been through dark spells, I would hold on to that, almost like a mantra because its true, better days will come.

I know that exact feeling about spiralling, I have to be in a very particular mood to talk about it and sometimes even to read others problems as when I am not feeling up to it I know how easy it is to spiral and get into a bad place. I also like the “this too shall pass” quote, it’s a good reminder.

 

[raspberryjuice]

Everyone sharing and helping others so selflessly here are amazing you were all so inspiring and compassionate through the NB threads and it’s really lovely to see some of you over here with a healthy sprinkling of new posters too. The experiences and advice you can all share is invaluable, it really is.

For me, while life is good right now - as in today, it’s all about to go to tit. I might post about it later if I’m feeling brave. But for now I’m watching and admiring you all from the sidelines.

I hope you’re doing ok today - however that looks for you.

 

[Dotty Merton]

@Squittel I know that feeling all too well, having to feel prepared for anything and everything is mentally and physically exhausting. I don't feel ready to talk about my own past and the issues that it has caused me in adult life as I get scared that if I do I'll start spiralling. Reading everybody else's struggles, and seeing many others feeling the same way I do makes me feel less alone though. I think you are all amazing and stronger than you may know

My nan used to say "this too shall pass". And whenever I've been through dark spells, I would hold on to that, almost like a mantra because its true, better days will come.

Totally understand the fear of spiralling. I have developed the saying 'One step at a time and don't forget to water the plants.'

That’s amazing that nature helps you, I think it would help me too if I went outside more I often manage to get very involved in artsy projects and find them very relaxing. I have ADHD so having an outlet for that extra creativity really helps. I’m so glad you got grief counselling at the time! That’s so important when you have so many feelings floating around and you’re trying to make sense of things. I think I probably should have had something like that as a child but my family just had no idea what to do. Everyone was just in shock and they just kind of tried to carry on as normal. They did what they thought was right but it did have some ramifications.
---

I know that exact feeling about spiralling, I have to be in a very particular mood to talk about it and sometimes even to read others problems as when I am not feeling up to it I know how easy it is to spiral and get into a bad place. I also like the “this too shall pass” quote, it’s a good reminder.

Yep, adhd too, there is a suggestion it is trauma related and connected to our need to prepare for the worst, i think that theory has some value.

Nature teaches us that things die and regrow. It gave me understanding and control. I could keep the plants alive. It's also suggested that earth has anti depressants in it and gardening proves highly beneficial for many. Lemme find that article, a great excuse to get muddy or just get a few extra pot plants. Sometimes it's the little things that make all the difference like a wee violet in spring or that teeny tiny bud on that rare cactus I bought which peeked out at the weekend, I can't wait to see that bloom.

Dotty prescribes mud (and dunkable biscuits) for all wibbles. Plant things, feed things, watch that beauty you grew. Repeat. https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/66840#1
---

Everyone sharing and helping others so selflessly here are amazing you were all so inspiring and compassionate through the NB threads and it’s really lovely to see some of you over here with a healthy sprinkling of new posters too. The experiences and advice you can all share is invaluable, it really is.

For me, while life is good right now - as in today, it’s all about to go to tit. I might post about it later if I’m feeling brave. But for now I’m watching and admiring you all from the sidelines.

I hope you’re doing ok today - however that looks for you.

Hammock out for you should you need it Raspberry

 

[InTheDollsHouse]

if I do I'll start spiralling

Yes, this

 

[Jwren]

Honestly, therapy. Therapy to help me realise how serious losing my mum was. I was young when it happened and as I became older I built this fortress around it where I could talk about it without much emotion and told myself that although it was tragic it didn’t effect me too much.

The fact that I didn’t allow myself to get too close to my own daughter in her first year on this Earth? Nope. That had nothing to do with being scared of leaving her. The fact that I worry constantly about people in my family dying and if they don’t answer the phone straightaway I would assume they were dead? Nope. Completely normal. The fact that I used to spend a good portion of my time worrying that my daughter would die? Nope. Nothing to do with my mum.

Therapy actually drummed into me that it’s ok that it hurts. That I am a disaster planner and that I sometimes need to stop imagining all the worst case scenarios but also that it’s natural that I do because what is the worst thing a child can imagine? Losing their mother usually. And the worst thing did happen to me, so why shouldn’t it happen again? I had to always feel constantly prepared for EVERYTHING and that was exhausting.

Therapy also helped me realise that my mother loved me and it wasn’t a choice she made. It was also not my fault, that I wasn’t a “bad” child which I had believed for a long time. It helped me to grieve for her a second time, but this time more healthily. It helped me to speak to her sisters (my aunts) about her instead of just never talking about her and find out more about her as an adult and what she was like, without the last few months of her life hanging over me.

Last year I became older than my mum when she died. That was a weird one. But it was like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. I could never imagine being older than her. I felt certain I would die somehow too. But I didn’t. I’m still here.

What about you? How have you coped?

Thank you so much for sharing that really resonates with me.

I lost my brother when I was 12 and I know this may sound odd but I was closer to him than my parents although I loved them, but they were extremely strict/controlling and had quite narcissistic traits, which I didn’t realise until much later in life when I eventually got counselling.

I didn’t know my brother was dying so it came as such a shock and the day he left this world my childhood ended. As a child you don’t really give death a thought, I don’t think it even entered my head as a child that children die as daft as it sounds. My dad never spoke about my brother again after he died and my mother was devastated understandably, so I kept my feelings to myself.
I also find it difficult not to think the worst and like you worry about something happening to my girls/loved ones, I don’t think that will ever change.

Life can be so wonderful but also absolutely shite and bring up so many emotions, even guilt that I’m here and my brother didn’t get that chance, he really was the most beautiful person inside and out, he was so positive and loved life. There are so many things I would love to share with him especially my girls. I don’t have any siblings and left home at 16 so I’ve muddled my way through life but I think I’ve finally found some peace within.

I know it‘s such a difficult time for many for various reasons and the cost of living crisis and covid has added even more to peoples stress/anxiety/struggle, so sending love and hugs to anyone that needs it xx

 

[Dotty Merton]

Thank you so much for sharing that really resonates with me.

I lost my brother when I was 12 and I know this may sound odd but I was closer to him than my parents although I loved them, but they were extremely strict/controlling and had quite narcissistic traits, which I didn’t realise until much later in life when I eventually got counselling.

I didn’t know my brother was dying so it came as such a shock and the day he left this world my childhood ended. As a child you don’t really give death a thought, I don’t think it even entered my head as a child that children die as daft as it sounds. My dad never spoke about my brother again after he died and my mother was devastated understandably, so I kept my feelings to myself.
I also find it difficult not to think the worst and like you worry about something happening to my girls/loved ones, I don’t think that will ever change.

Life can be so wonderful but also absolutely shite and bring up so many emotions, even guilt that I’m here and my brother didn’t get that chance, he really was the most beautiful person inside and out, he was so positive and loved life. There are so many things I would love to share with him especially my girls. I don’t have any siblings and left home at 16 so I’ve muddled my way through life but I think I’ve finally found some peace within.

I know it‘s such a difficult time for many for various reasons and the cost of living crisis and covid has added even more to peoples stress/anxiety. Sending love and hugs to anyone that needs it xx

Times have changed so much and I hope that today we have the information to help young people express their grief, be honest with them and prepare them for expected death. I'm so sorry you had that experience, such a shock. Your brother sounds wonderful.

For anyone who needs an assist with talking to kids about death. Be honest.

https://www.childbereavementuk.org/telling-a-child-that-someone-has-died?locale=en

https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/...2/the-dos-and-donts-talking-child-about-death

 

[Jwren]

Times have changed so much and I hope that today we have the information to help young people express their grief, be honest with them and prepare them for expected death. I'm so sorry you had that experience, such a shock. Your brother sounds wonderful.

For anyone who needs an assist with talking to kids about death. Be honest.

https://www.childbereavementuk.org/telling-a-child-that-someone-has-died?locale=en

https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/...2/the-dos-and-donts-talking-child-about-death

Thank you Dotty I completely agree and thankfully as you say times have changed and there’s much more help/info out there these days. And thank you so much for adding those links they’re invaluable xx

 

[InTheDollsHouse]

Thank you so much for sharing that really resonates with me.

I lost my brother when I was 12 and I know this may sound odd but I was closer to him than my parents although I loved them, but they were extremely strict/controlling and had quite narcissistic traits, which I didn’t realise until much later in life when I eventually got counselling.

I didn’t know my brother was dying so it came as such a shock and the day he left this world my childhood ended. As a child you don’t really give death a thought, I don’t think it even entered my head as a child that children die as daft as it sounds. My dad never spoke about my brother again after he died and my mother was devastated understandably, so I kept my feelings to myself.
I also find it difficult not to think the worst and like you worry about something happening to my girls/loved ones, I don’t think that will ever change.

Life can be so wonderful but also absolutely shite and bring up so many emotions, even guilt that I’m here and my brother didn’t get that chance, he really was the most beautiful person inside and out, he was so positive and loved life. There are so many things I would love to share with him especially my girls. I don’t have any siblings and left home at 16 so I’ve muddled my way through life but I think I’ve finally found some peace within.

I know it‘s such a difficult time for many for various reasons and the cost of living crisis and covid has added even more to peoples stress/anxiety/struggle, so sending love and hugs to anyone that needs it xx

I’m so sorry for the loss of your brother. That must have been - and still be - unbelievably hard, especially with no warning xx

 

[Pumpkin84]

Nature teaches us that things die and regrow. It gave me understanding and control. I could keep the plants alive. It's also suggested that earth has anti depressants in it and gardening proves highly beneficial for many. Lemme find that article, a great excuse to get muddy or just get a few extra pot plants. Sometimes it's the little things that make all the difference like a wee violet in spring or that teeny tiny bud on that rare cactus I bought which peeked out at the weekend, I can't wait to see that

I started gardening last year, filled my garden with flowers, fruit and veg. It honestly brought me so much peace, I was able to forget everything whizzing around in my head and just focus on that one thing. I have an allotment now and I'm looking forward to seeing everything growing this spring/summer. I was going to all the garden centres last year and buying/rescuing plants that were on there way out, and seeing them come back to life made me feel so good. You're right, sometimes its the most simple things in life that can help the most.

 

[InTheDollsHouse]

Times have changed so much and I hope that today we have the information to help young people express their grief, be honest with them and prepare them for expected death. I'm so sorry you had that experience, such a shock. Your brother sounds wonderful.

For anyone who needs an assist with talking to kids about death. Be honest.

https://www.childbereavementuk.org/telling-a-child-that-someone-has-died?locale=en

https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/...2/the-dos-and-donts-talking-child-about-death

Thank you for sharing these. I still plan to sort the wiki on the NB thread, I don’t want it left like it is, so I’ll add these to it x

 

[Jwren]

I’m so sorry for the loss of your brother. That must have been - and still be - unbelievably hard, especially with no warning xx

Thank you It’s a very difficult one as one counsellor said my parents should have told me he was dying, I disagreed as I couldn’t have coped. I wouldn’t have left his side and perhaps terrified him, as he didn’t know he was dying and the thought of frightening him would have devastated me even more and I don’t think I could have lived with that.
I think the NB case has stirred so many emotions/thoughts up in many of us. I think one of the hardest things you have to deal with in life is death. It’s those first seconds of waking up everyday as if it’s a normal day and then it hits you like a sledgehammer, thankfully that does stop but I’ve been thinking about NB’s little girls bless them, I’m so glad they’ve got each other xx

 

[Toffeebythesea]

When the worst has happened, you know it can happen.

Gosh that's so true isn't it. I think that's why I live my life expecting the worst from everybody and everything.

 

[InTheDollsHouse]

Gosh that's so true isn't it. I think that's why I live my life expecting the worst from everybody and everything.

Yep. And why I sometimes react so extremely to minor things. (Like today - my therapist gently suggested we take a break for a while and I’ve spiralled into she hates me, she doesn’t think I’m worth the time…)