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Blinded my tears of rage over the new lockdown, I found myself craving soft soft cheese. I trekked 3km to Lidl, where I was accosted by a heartless checkout operator. "Would you like a bag?" she sneered, with a clear undertone of hatred for my hoodie-clad self. Even with my tattoos safely shrouded by layers of cheap cotton, I knew she was judging me.
But when I got home and transformed the lissome brie and supple cranberry sauce into a wistful toastie, I forgot my woes. Halfway through, I abandoned my bread, tossing it from my balcony to bring a spot of glee to the city's pigeons, many of whom have suffered losses this year too, thanks not to the pandemic but to the choking petrochemical fumes that permeate the city.
I then smeared the half-melted brie over my own naked torso and licked it from myself in an orgy of chaos. I slid into a dreamless siesta (see - yes - tar), snoring like a long-dead triceratops. When I woke, I was craving more. I scampered to the fridge to begin anew.
I regret nothing, but I've put my neck out and won't be able to post any postcards this week.
To make this recipe VEGAN, replace the cheese with your favourite vegan foodstuff. I recommend tofu, broccoli or biscoff spread.
To make this recipe KOSHER don't eat any meat with it.