Fathering Autism #5 Asa lies and Priscilla cries

[lovesis]

I agree with that he is emotionally cruel. Remember them describing how she finally reached him on the boat? He ended the call after finding out she was pregnant and called back three days later. I get they were young and he was scared. But three days?

He did not want to be with Priscilla. Somehow they got talked into marrying each other because of the kid.

And the whole leaving the marriage thing, I think he just wanted to cheat and then ran back to Priscilla after.

It’s easy to say Priscilla has fault in this for not reaching out to the child but it is not her responsibility to keep up with a child that is technically not hers and was born due to his cheating. For all we know she could have been completely clueless about him not paying his child support BUT I think at this point if she knows about all the money coming in....I would hope she would approach Asa and say “Hey, pay for your kid” but again that’s not her responsibility and should be something Asa takes care of on his own since it was his mistake.

I have a feeling that Priscilla is not that involved with Abbie because Asa has always took control of everything as a way to make Priscilla happy. I can imagine he vowed to let Priscilla relax while he did mostly everything for the kids. Priscilla was not always that big, I’m sure she put on all that weight after she found out about all of this.

It’s still hard for me to feel sorry for Priscilla because she’s so disconnected but there are reasons she might be this way. Asas personality may have rubbed off on her.

 

[Sam-I-Am]

If Abbie has GI issues then this could explain it. GI issues are common in the autistic community. I think there are other physical health things going on with Abbie and it's all being missed because she can't verbalise it.

But yeah I think her doing this is a way for her to communicate. I haven't seen her use the iPad for anything else other than food or activities. A good vlog would show us what the options are that Abbie has on there, but ofc that's too helpful to the world for FA to be bothered about. She's probably distressed about something when doing that.

GI issues are VERY common in the Autism community.. There is a huge even gut to brain connection that doctors are essentially even trying to connect these two.. It is commonly called "leaky gut." I know because I have multiple children with GI issues and we have had to change diets because of it.. It is part of the "sensory diet."
Also, even the smearing can be related back to just being bored and wanting something to play with and she is a "sensory seeker." She likes to make messes, so this would be very common.. Of course, making her clean it up, defeats the purpose and the wanting to make the mess...

 

[jadedandcaffeinated]

I have to wonder if there's a certain point where "learning new skills" just makes life harder on everyone, including Abbie. I understand wanting to push her to grow and do more, but when you're teaching a child to do things, there's generally an expectation that they will progress. Why are they concerned about her unloading dishwasher or putting groceries away? It's pretty obvious she won't be able to do these tasks herself, nor does she want to. She's never going to be able to live independently. Instead of stressing the whole family out multiple times a week teaching her "skills" that aren't sticking, wouldn't it be in everyone's best interest to build a life around the realities of her abilities? She's not going to progress much into her adult years, shouldn't they be preparing long-term to live with someone who has the abilities of a toddler? If she's not going to be able to do chores independently and she doesn't get any satisfaction in "helping" do those chores, why have her do them?? What is she learning? They get hung up on her doing specific tasks that aren't really benefiting her or them at all, but they act like it's important for her to work on them on principle.

 

[lovesis]

I have to wonder if there's a certain point where "learning new skills" just makes life harder on everyone, including Abbie. I understand wanting to push her to grow and do more, but when you're teaching a child to do things, there's generally an expectation that they will progress. Why are they concerned about her unloading dishwasher or putting groceries away? It's pretty obvious she won't be able to do these tasks herself, nor does she want to. She's never going to be able to live independently. Instead of stressing the whole family out multiple times a week teaching her "skills" that aren't sticking, wouldn't it be in everyone's best interest to build a life around the realities of her abilities? She's not going to progress much into her adult years, shouldn't they be preparing long-term to live with someone who has the abilities of a toddler? If she's not going to be able to do chores independently and she doesn't get any satisfaction in "helping" do those chores, why have her do them?? What is she learning? They get hung up on her doing specific tasks that aren't really benefiting her or them at all, but they act like it's important for her to work on them on principle.

I think it’s because they have focused so much on her autism diagnosis while ignoring her IDD. From my understanding most people on the autism spectrum will have some ability to function on their own, such as putting dishes away when they are done using them.....so it makes sense for them to learn those things.

@Sam-I-Am can let us know.

 

[Null]

I think it’s because they have focused so much on her autism diagnosis while ignoring her IDD. From my understanding most people on the autism spectrum will have some ability to function on their own, such as putting dishes away when they are done using them.....so it makes sense for them to learn those things.

@Sam-I-Am can let us know.

She definitely has issues beyond autism that they dont address nor care to, but since Autism is a label they can exploit they run with it and call it "awareness" They've milked the autism train and its starting to fall off the tracks.

 

[jadedandcaffeinated]

I think it’s because they have focused so much on her autism diagnosis while ignoring her IDD. From my understanding most people on the autism spectrum will have some ability to function on their own, such as putting dishes away when they are done using them.....so it makes sense for them to learn those things.

@Sam-I-Am can let us know.

That makes a lot of sense. I guess I think what's more important? Having this girl in hours of stress every day so that she can be instructed how to put dishes away movement by movement? Or finding some activities that she can use to self-soothe and relax every day? For most kids, it's important to teach them that they need to contribute to the house and have personal responsibility and that we all have to do things that aren't fun, but Abbie just isn't there and it doesn't seem like she ever will be. It's so much stress for no reason in my opinion. Her world seems so stressful and chaotic already, why force her to go through the motions of things that stress her out?

I know I'm getting caught up on the dishes and groceries, but it seems like they want her to do those activities bc they're age-appropriate chores for a neurotypical child, and that's the only reason. Just another way for them to try and will her into being a "typical teen" who hates putting away the dishes and groceries.

 

[Sam-I-Am]

I have to wonder if there's a certain point where "learning new skills" just makes life harder on everyone, including Abbie. I understand wanting to push her to grow and do more, but when you're teaching a child to do things, there's generally an expectation that they will progress. Why are they concerned about her unloading dishwasher or putting groceries away? It's pretty obvious she won't be able to do these tasks herself, nor does she want to. She's never going to be able to live independently. Instead of stressing the whole family out multiple times a week teaching her "skills" that aren't sticking, wouldn't it be in everyone's best interest to build a life around the realities of her abilities? She's not going to progress much into her adult years, shouldn't they be preparing long-term to live with someone who has the abilities of a toddler? If she's not going to be able to do chores independently and she doesn't get any satisfaction in "helping" do those chores, why have her do them?? What is she learning? They get hung up on her doing specific tasks that aren't really benefiting her or them at all, but they act like it's important for her to work on them on principle.

Jaded, you hit the nail on the head!!!
It would make sense for her to learn these things IF (Big IF), if she was able to retain (which she should be doing), understanding, finding enjoyment and self-value of doing those chores.. As you can tell, Abbie doesn't retain these chores, nor does she retain the learning capabilities of understanding how to do them. They are met with way to many "way to go" and "good job" prompts, while she is doing them, almost to the point of "will you please just be quiet and let me do what I need to do" looks... She shouldn't have to be constantly prompted to do the dishes and we rarely see them even have her do them, outside of ABA... She doesn't understand how this would help in her daily life and she really, frankly, doesn't care nor would understand... I can tell my 11 year old "if we don't help load the dishwasher, so it cleans the cups, then you can't get a clean cup." My child understands this.. Abbie wouldn't understand that whatsoever, from the dishwasher to even needing to have a cup that is clean...
I really think having her pick her outfits, learning to have "her" choice in what to wear, self cleaning (putting her cups in the sink), etc. is way better tasks than what they are trying to accomplish. Also, they should only be doing 1 task at a time and letting that one task sink in, before adding more onto her plate.. Having her do the groceries and the dishes is way to much... IMO!
Also, yes, self soothing and daily just fostering the anxiety down needs to happen.. Abbie seems so stressed out lately and we can only imagine why. She is being dragged around here and there, thrown on planes and into vehicles for long trips, changing her room, changing her careworkers, etc. They literally are doing everything that you shouldn't be doing.. They give no explanation to her (even if she wouldn't understand completely) but she should be told.. She is given no option for anything, even to her own room. Everything is picked out for her.. The girl gets little to no choices in her life, where she should be given those opportunities or at least informed of what is going on...
If anyone was to write a book "What NOT to do raising a Child on the Autism Spectrum," I believe A & P would be able to place their documentary right there...

 

[jadedandcaffeinated]

Jaded, you hit the nail on the head!!!
It would make sense for her to learn these things IF (Big IF), if she was able to retain (which she should be doing), understanding, finding enjoyment and self-value of doing those chores.. As you can tell, Abbie doesn't retain these chores, nor does she retain the learning capabilities of understanding how to do them. They are met with way to many "way to go" and "good job" prompts, while she is doing them, almost to the point of "will you please just be quiet and let me do what I need to do" looks... She shouldn't have to be constantly prompted to do the dishes and we rarely see them even have her do them, outside of ABA... She doesn't understand how this would help in her daily life and she really, frankly, doesn't care nor would understand... I can tell my 11 year old "if we don't help load the dishwasher, so it cleans the cups, then you can't get a clean cup." My child understands this.. Abbie wouldn't understand that whatsoever, from the dishwasher to even needing to have a cup that is clean...
I really think having her pick her outfits, learning to have "her" choice in what to wear, self cleaning (putting her cups in the sink), etc. is way better tasks than what they are trying to accomplish. Also, they should only be doing 1 task at a time and letting that one task sink in, before adding more onto her plate.. Having her do the groceries and the dishes is way to much... IMO!

Yes thank you you articulated everything I was trying to say! I understand putting in the hard work and struggle if it pays off, but after all those hours and tears and stress... she's still not doing any of the chores she worked on. I think the smaller self-care tasks you mentioned would be WAY more useful and actually attainable for her to learn!

And yes omg one thing at a time!!! They always have 3 people yelling over each other telling her to do 10 different things at once!

 

[Sam-I-Am]

Yes thank you you articulated everything I was trying to say! I understand putting in the hard work and struggle if it pays off, but after all those hours and tears and stress... she's still not doing any of the chores she worked on. I think the smaller self-care tasks you mentioned would be WAY more useful and actually attainable for her to learn!

And yes omg one thing at a time!!! They always have 3 people yelling over each other telling her to do 10 different things at once!

Yes and patience is always needed.. I just want to tell her parents "get the crap out of the way and let Brandy work with her!!!" Yes, there is some of ABA where a parent is to stay, go over what is being learned, learn what they can do to help foster the therapy over but it isn't all 100% hands on, like A & P are making it out to be (if anyone does have an ABA worker).... It is very much the worker that works directly with the child and for our state, requires the parents to be involved 1 hour of therapy, per 4-5 hours a day (our ABA schedules are either 4-5 hours or 8 hours a day, depending on if you are clinical or house training).. If a child gets house training, a parent is to stay near (not over top) but just in the house but for 1 hour of that training, the parent steps in and learns how to foster over the therapy to real life....
At the end of the day, when the struggle comes in, when she melts down, that is when the pushing stops though, at least for us. We never "pushed" on through a task, if it became overwhelming, unless we knew the child had performed the task before and then it was still meet with a stop, evaluation of child, talking it out (why is this overwhelming, etc.) before we continued on but if it was a new task or a continuation of a task and they became overstressed or overwhelmed, we stopped fully and went onto something else. I refused therapist that would continue on and stress my child out in therapy... There is NO reason for a child to become overwhelmed like I have seen Abbie become....

 

[lovesis]

That makes a lot of sense. I guess I think what's more important? Having this girl in hours of stress every day so that she can be instructed how to put dishes away movement by movement? Or finding some activities that she can use to self-soothe and relax every day? For most kids, it's important to teach them that they need to contribute to the house and have personal responsibility and that we all have to do things that aren't fun, but Abbie just isn't there and it doesn't seem like she ever will be. It's so much stress for no reason in my opinion. Her world seems so stressful and chaotic already, why force her to go through the motions of things that stress her out?

And thanks you have reminded me why I have such a hard time feeling sorry for Priscilla. She just does not give off motherly vibes to me. You would think she would want to go out of her to make Abbie comfortable with who she is. But instead she decorates her room like a “typical teenagers” room. Since they have the money, Abbie should have a sensory friendly filled room.

I think starting out with small task will be good for her. They need to work on her concentration but in a fun way, not a stressful way that just feels like work(putting dishes away, vacuuming).

Starts at 1:00

 

[jadedandcaffeinated]

And thanks you have reminded me why I have such a hard time feeling sorry for Priscilla. She just does not give off motherly vibes to me. You would think she would want to go out of her to make Abbie comfortable with who she is. But instead she decorates her room like a “typical teenagers” room. Since they have the money, Abbie should have a sensory friendly filled room.

I think starting out with small task will be good for her. They need to work on her concentration but in a fun way, not a stressful way that just feels like work(putting dishes away, vacuuming).

Starts at 1:00

Wow I can't even imagine her doing this now. They've really neglected to work on things like this with her. Very sad.

 

[Sam-I-Am]

And thanks you have reminded me why I have such a hard time feeling sorry for Priscilla. She just does not give off motherly vibes to me. You would think she would want to go out of her to make Abbie comfortable with who she is. But instead she decorates her room like a “typical teenagers” room. Since they have the money, Abbie should have a sensory friendly filled room.

I think starting out with small task will be good for her. They need to work on her concentration but in a fun way, not a stressful way that just feels like work(putting dishes away, vacuuming).

Starts at 1:00

I got so sick just seeing Assa doing the spans of her room the other day.. I knew exactly what they did... I was furious... Abbie sitting in the corner, chopping away in anxiety overload... I was like NO! Not her room... You just had to go and make it a "Southern Teenage Girl" room didn't you... So not what Abbie needed at all...
Y'all, I am still sick over it... I skipped and just seen the full span.. I can't watch the whole thing or I don't know if my husband would appreciate the verbal tirade that would be coming out of my mouth...
Also, yes, I get sick over how much P is just out of reality with Abbie.. I have seen the looks and the attitude... I can say, it brings me back to my parenthood... My Mom was the same way and to this day, am glad she is out of my life. I just wished Abbie had that option, to have people that really care about her.. I so miss CN and hate the day that she left because that is the type of person Abbie needs in her life, not 2-20 year olds that will eventually have their own life and toss her to the side or don't have time for her and a Mom that wants nothing to hardly do with her, unless it is making money...

 

[Pink Marshmallow]

Yes and patience is always needed.. I just want to tell her parents "get the crap out of the way and let Brandy work with her!!!" Yes, there is some of ABA where a parent is to stay, go over what is being learned, learn what they can do to help foster the therapy over but it isn't all 100% hands on, like A & P are making it out to be (if anyone does have an ABA worker).... It is very much the worker that works directly with the child and for our state, requires the parents to be involved 1 hour of therapy, per 4-5 hours a day (our ABA schedules are either 4-5 hours or 8 hours a day, depending on if you are clinical or house training).. If a child gets house training, a parent is to stay near (not over top) but just in the house but for 1 hour of that training, the parent steps in and learns how to foster over the therapy to real life....
At the end of the day, when the struggle comes in, when she melts down, that is when the pushing stops though, at least for us. We never "pushed" on through a task, if it became overwhelming, unless we knew the child had performed the task before and then it was still meet with a stop, evaluation of child, talking it out (why is this overwhelming, etc.) before we continued on but if it was a new task or a continuation of a task and they became overstressed or overwhelmed, we stopped fully and went onto something else. I refused therapist that would continue on and stress my child out in therapy... There is NO reason for a child to become overwhelmed like I have seen Abbie become....

What do you think of Asa's reasoning for pushing through, the reason being that they don't want to reinforce the bad behaviors and don't want to teach her that if she throws a tantrum then she can get out of doing something she doesn't feel like doing? Abbie's understanding IS limited but I think this particular scenario is something she could potentially do - throw a tantrum to get out of doing something she doesn't feel like doing.

Aside from my general frustrations with the whole teenager room thing, I couldn't help but chuckle at the fact that all the decorations have to be put way up high, close to the ceiling, so that Abbie can't destroy them. To clarify, it makes me chuckle because of the sheer ridiculousness of Pricilla forcing her pinterest dreams on Abbie's room.

 

[jadedandcaffeinated]

If they wanted a fun room project, she and summer could have worked on the pool house! Get rid of that basic ass white duvet insert lmao. Also, why do they not have a headboard for Abbie?? I always thought that was odd, especially since she rocks so much. I'd want some padding behind her head.

 

[Sam-I-Am]

What do you think of Asa's reasoning for pushing through, the reason being that they don't want to reinforce the bad behaviors and don't want to teach her that if she throws a tantrum then she can get out of doing something she doesn't feel like doing? Abbie's understanding IS limited but I think this particular scenario is something she could potentially do - throw a tantrum to get out of doing something she doesn't feel like doing.

Very true... It really depends on if it is a tantrum or an anxiety overload.. I have seen a lot of anxiety overloads, more, when they are working with her, due to 2-3 of them telling her to do things, than I have seen her have a tantrum/meltdown.. Of course, what we do is go onto another task or activity and then come back.. They don't just get a break.. So, it isn't going away completely, we may retry it again or come back just the next day but it is still there... I think they give way to many breaks though too.. It was always "do this and then get a break," with no real fun options but only for the break... We may say "lets write a sentence" if that gets to hard, okay, well, lets go get your snack out and ready... Okay, back to writing that sentence now... Okay, if it is still to hard, maybe you can take 5 minutes and talk to me about a toy that you have.. Okay, lets write the sentence... This is how I had to do homework this week! It was met with resistance, tantrum, etc... It was a constant "we will get this done, it may not be now but we will constantly be coming back and trying to complete it." Once they realized that it wasn't going away, he wanted to compete his task... Also, we withheld desert even after dinner, until it was completed... It is EXHAUSTING but it does work.. It just takes time and commitment... Wait? What am I saying, I think A&P both lack those capabilities themselves though...
What I am getting at...Okay, if she is throwing those tantrums to get out of it, you just have to reinforce that we will be completing the task, over and over... Break it down more in baby steps (maybe only loading the silverware), etc. and then letting it go, even would work but reinforcing doing that and growing it... Then adding on and she learns but they just seem to want her to learn it all, which does throw those tantrums up and quickly, due to her anxiety... Her learning though with time, it would reduce those... Sadly, A&P just don't seem to want to give the commitment and I wouldn't be surprised if that isn't the reason Brandy reduced her ABA hours... It is usually up to the therapist and insurance company, how many hours a child gets, due to progress by the child AND the willingness of the parent and follow up.. Progress or no progress will move those hours to less and frankly, I know we can all see, there was no progress in what Brandy was having Abbie do...

 

[Pink Marshmallow]

If they wanted a fun room project, she and summer could have worked on the pool house! Get rid of that basic ass white duvet insert lmao. Also, why do they not have a headboard for Abbie?? I always thought that was odd, especially since she rocks so much. I'd want some padding behind her head.

Exactly! That's a golden opportunity right there! It would be age appropriate and Summer can give lots of input and would appreciate all the little things that Pricilla gives so much attention to. Knowing that they read here.. watch them suddenly decide to do this in an upcoming video... (Yeah, P said she asked A to block us on her phone... somehow I don't believe that entirely )

 

[Baymaus]

The room reminds me of the pepto bismol pink wedding in Steel Magnolias. Seriously. It just needs an armadillo cake.

Exactly! That's a golden opportunity right there! It would be age appropriate and Summer can give lots of input and would appreciate all the little things that Pricilla gives so much attention to. Knowing that they read here.. watch them suddenly decide to do this in an upcoming video... (Yeah, P said she asked A to block us on her phone... somehow I don't believe that entirely )

But, but... he said he's never coming back here either so it must be true, right?

Edited because I suck at typing in general and tonight I'm outdoing myself.

 

[Pink Marshmallow]

Very true... It really depends on if it is a tantrum or an anxiety overload.. I have seen a lot of anxiety overloads, more, when they are working with her, due to 2-3 of them telling her to do things, than I have seen her have a tantrum/meltdown.. Of course, what we do is go onto another task or activity and then come back.. They don't just get a break.. So, it isn't going away completely, we may retry it again or come back just the next day but it is still there... I think they give way to many breaks though too.. It was always "do this and then get a break," with no real fun options but only for the break... We may say "lets write a sentence" if that gets to hard, okay, well, lets go get your snack out and ready... Okay, back to writing that sentence now... Okay, if it is still to hard, maybe you can take 5 minutes and talk to me about a toy that you have.. Okay, lets write the sentence... This is how I had to do homework this week! It was met with resistance, tantrum, etc... It was a constant "we will get this done, it may not be now but we will constantly be coming back and trying to complete it." Once they realized that it wasn't going away, he wanted to compete his task... Also, we withheld desert even after dinner, until it was completed... It is EXHAUSTING but it does work.. It just takes time and commitment... Wait? What am I saying, I think A&P both lack those capabilities themselves though...
What I am getting at...Okay, if she is throwing those tantrums to get out of it, you just have to reinforce that we will be completing the task, over and over... Break it down more in baby steps (maybe only loading the silverware), etc. and then letting it go, even would work but reinforcing doing that and growing it... Then adding on and she learns but they just seem to want her to learn it all, which does throw those tantrums up and quickly, due to her anxiety... Her learning though with time, it would reduce those... Sadly, A&P just don't seem to want to give the commitment and I wouldn't be surprised if that isn't the reason Brandy reduced her ABA hours... It is usually up to the therapist and insurance company, how many hours a child gets, due to progress by the child AND the willingness of the parent and follow up.. Progress or no progress will move those hours to less and frankly, I know we can all see, there was no progress in what Brandy was having Abbie do...

I think your methods would work quite well with Abbie. Sadly, as you said, A&P just aren't willing to put in the time and commitment for it. They seem to only do the minimum or a quick fix. As you know, it takes work to raise a child, whether they are special needs or neurotypical. Sometimes that work is going to suck when you have to deal with tantrums, meltdowns etc. But doing things to avoid those unwanted behaviors rather than dealing with them is not going to solve the problem. It's just sweeping it under the rug. I agree with a previous post that said they could have worked with her to stop the yelling stim... they just didn't. Now, Asa claims that they let her do it because it's her form of self-expression and they don't want to suppress that. Then, at certain times when she's yelling at an inappropriate or unwanted time, they try to stop her from doing it but Abbie doesn't understand the concept of it's okay to do it sometimes but not this time.

 

[peacelily7]

hey, autistic person here

i watched FA since they were small (<10k subs) and have been reading here since the first thread. the way they treat abbie genuinely shows how little they know about autism and how autistic brains work, let alone abbie's additional IDD struggles. and there's so much that's Not Great, but for some reason the room makeover really got to me? just thinking about how much thought i've put into my own living space makes me furious at how little they put into hers.

for starters there's no sensory lighting (the light up A box doesnt count). she appears to struggle with fluorescent lights in shops, like i do, and i know that having a space with SOFT LIGHTING and alternatives to the ceiling light + dimmer switches is really important for helping me regulate afterwards and avoid meltdowns! and i know they have the toy box and stuff, but i do wonder how accessible it really is. i deliberately keep stim toys in multiple, visible locations in my space to remind myself to use them before it gets bad !! given that i do this as a college student with a job (not living independently, but still), compared to what abby is shown to be capable of in terms of independent calming makes me wonder if the reason priss says she 'isnt interested' in stim toys is bc she lacks the forward planning to engage with things that arent 'there' ie packed away. the whole 'teenage girl' room is stupid too. im an adult and my room is covered in my special interests bc my space is a safe space. its literally my only reprieve from the overstimulating world and im just. i dont understand how they could knowingly go out of their way to eliminate anything that shows who she is or helps give her a sensory space that is actually positive for her to be in. the fact that p also said her room previously made her 'sad' is jarring. autistic people and their needs are not 'sad'.

dont know if this is related or not, but noticed they stopped keeping her blankets in the back of their car for her to put over her head. she put p's scarf over her head a few times. theyre so hell bent on pretending she isnt who she is and it's downright disturbing

 

[WoahThatsCrazy]

If Abbie has GI issues then this could explain it. GI issues are common in the autistic community. I think there are other physical health things going on with Abbie and it's all being missed because she can't verbalise it.

But yeah I think her doing this is a way for her to communicate. I haven't seen her use the iPad for anything else other than food or activities. A good vlog would show us what the options are that Abbie has on there, but ofc that's too helpful to the world for FA to be bothered about. She's probably distressed about something when doing that.

That's what I was thinking, re your last sentence...