Escape into the Tea & Sympathy chat room #2

[Chita]

My laptop research was halted because my phone has started to die.
So I've had to study all the gazillion and one phones that are out there.


And my loved one who has mentioned suicide a few times still refuses to get professional help and won't help themselves.
They've just given up.

I can do no more than I already have. And I keep listening when they need to talk but I must admit it is very draining.

And I find it hard not to get angry because they make no progress.

 

[Geranium]

My laptop research was halted because my phone has started to die.
So I've had to study all the gazillion and one phones that are out there.


And my loved one who has mentioned suicide a few times still refuses to get professional help and won't help themselves.
They've just given up.

I can do no more than I already have. And I keep listening when they need to talk but I must admit it is very draining.

And I find it hard not to get angry because they make no progress.

I feel so sorry for your situation and for your loved one.
I have been suicidal find it very hard to talk to anyone about it for that exact reason. It’s a lot to lay on someone you love xx

 

[Miscanthus]

My laptop research was halted because my phone has started to die.
So I've had to study all the gazillion and one phones that are out there.


And my loved one who has mentioned suicide a few times still refuses to get professional help and won't help themselves.
They've just given up.

I can do no more than I already have. And I keep listening when they need to talk but I must admit it is very draining.

And I find it hard not to get angry because they make no progress.

Getting angry will drain you even more. You have tried to help but they are unable to take it, because of their illness. You have to look after yourself.

Good luck with the phone.

 

[Chita]

Getting angry will drain you even more. You have tried to help but they are unable to take it, because of their illness. You have to look after yourself.

Good luck with the phone.

It is frustrating though and hard not to get angry.

When they keep moaning about having nothing to look forward to and about everything being doom and gloom and about covid having killed their industry and about having almost run out of money - but they won't look for a different job (because they are too old to compete with kids who have experience)
And they won't consider therapy or anti-depressants (because they won't fill their diary with work)
They have a negative reason for why they won't try anything.
And keep saying when their savings run out they will end it all.

I work to lift them up and it works for a while but then a couple of days later, there it is again - the Eeyore cloud of gloom over them and the emptiness in the eyes and a lack of get up and go that I can almost touch.

All of the above on rinse and repeat.
Like groundhog day.

I want to fix them with a magic wand but its not working.

 

[Kittypops]

Have they spoken to their GP @Chita ? I know it's possibly a step too far for your loved one, but maybe they just dont know how depressed they are?

It's soul destroying not being able to help them, it's a lot to put on you too. It'll be on your every waking thought and it's debilitating.

Saying they'll end it all when their savings run out is awful. Truly awful.

If they say it again, I'd tell them you are calling for mental health assistance on their behalf. You can't bear that awful responsibility on your own shoulders. I hope that doesn't sound harsh.

It could be their way of asking for help without directly asking for help, perhaps? Horribly, most people who take own life dont give prior warning.

 

[Chita]

Have they spoken to their GP @Chita ? I know it's possibly a step too far for your loved one, but maybe they just dont know how depressed they are?

It's soul destroying not being able to help them, it's a lot to put on you too. It'll be on your every waking thought and it's debilitating.

Saying they'll end it all when their savings run out is awful. Truly awful.

If they say it again, I'd tell them you are calling for mental health assistance on their behalf. You can't bear that awful responsibility on your own shoulders. I hope that doesn't sound harsh.

It could be their way of asking for help without directly asking for help, perhaps? Horribly, most people who take own life dont give prior warning.

They refuse to talk to their GP.
The excuse is the GP can't get them a job.

They refuse trying therapy. Therapist can't get them a job.

They won't try anti-depressants..... Because pills won't get them a job.

Thats the response every time - then they get angry.

They are convinced they are unemployable.

Ive offered to go to the GP with them
Ive offered to ring a helpline for them and pass the phone to them and sit with them while they talk.
Ive offered to help them find a job.
They want things to go back to how they were before covid.
They only want to do the job they did for 30 years prior to lockdown killing their industry (live music/weddings/restaurants/bars)

I just get a negative response and unwillingness to try anything.
And they just keep saying they are doing their best.

Of course its hard for them to even get up every morning and to leave their house.
I get that - but this has been going on since before lockdowns. Of course lockdowns made them worse.

But ive tried everything I can think of.

 

[Kittypops]

That's a lot that they're heaping on you @Chita

Thing is, it's a self-fulfilling prophecy at the moment as they will be unemployable in that frame of mind.

Do they take care of their house/appearance?

 

[Chita]

That's a lot that they're heaping on you @Chita

Thing is, it's a self-fulfilling prophecy at the moment as they will be unemployable in that frame of mind.

Do they take care of their house/appearance?

Yes - personal hygiene still maintained and still cares about cleanliness of their house and vehicle. They also excercise at home - bar bells etc and go for walks a lot.

So there's still sparks of life there.

Their default setting was a bit negative before covid - long story - tit childhood, crap parents who drummed it into them that they were useless.
Worked regularly as a musician for over 30 years and totally lived, ate and breathed music. So the negative tendencies were under control because they were happy when playing (and working.)

Lockdown has definitely made them spiral down. Work cancelled.
Work not picking up yet.
So they think they are all washed up and that if they cant work at their vocation that their life isnt worth living.

Its hard to get them interested in anything other than being a musician.


I will never give up on them - but it is very draining when I dont see them progress out of their gloom and dont appear to be doing anything to help themselves.

They do always seem to be lifted up after Ive seen them though.
So hopefully I am doing some good.

Its just that if they are down low when I see them the next time I feel dread because I have to do it all again to get them "up."

It IS like groundhog day.

 

[Peachsquish]

Yes - personal hygiene still maintained and still cares about cleanliness of their house and vehicle. They also excercise at home - bar bells etc and go for walks a lot.

So there's still sparks of life there.

Their default setting was a bit negative before covid - long story - tit childhood, crap parents who drummed it into them that they were useless.
Worked regularly as a musician for over 30 years and totally lived, ate and breathed music. So the negative tendencies were under control because they were happy when playing (and working.)

Lockdown has definitely made them spiral down. Work cancelled.
Work not picking up yet.
So they think they are all washed up and that if they cant work at their vocation that their life isnt worth living.

Its hard to get them interested in anything other than being a musician.


I will never give up on them - but it is very draining when I dont see them progress out of their gloom and dont appear to be doing anything to help themselves.

They do always seem to be lifted up after Ive seen them though.
So hopefully I am doing some good.

Its just that if they are down low when I see them the next time I feel dread because I have to do it all again to get them "up."

It IS like groundhog day.

Probably not much help, especially in the time of Covid but are they DBS checked could they try offering classes or doing something musically related for kids at nurseries or even offering to play outside the windows at a care home.

 

[Chita]

Probably not much help, especially in the time of Covid but are they DBS checked could they try offering classes or doing something musically related for kids at nurseries or even offering to play outside the windows at a care home.

I have suggested something similar.
All my suggestions have fallen on deaf ears.

This is why I get frustrated.

However, in their defence I do think their confidence has taken an absolute kicking because the covid isolation has done so much damage mentally.
I dont think they have the get-up-and-go or confidence at the moment to do that - or to anything other than get up in the mornings and face the day.

People being isolated and alone with only covid deaths and failing businesses to focus on is a way bigger problem than many realise, I think.

 

[Kittypops]

Sounds very much like you do lift them up @Chita

What about if you asked them for help, just something easily fixed, but something creative, it might help them realise how good being creative makes them feel. Would that be worth a go?

 

[Chita]

Sounds very much like you do lift them up @Chita

What about if you asked them for help, just something easily fixed, but something creative, it might help them realise how good being creative makes them feel. Would that be worth a go?

I have encouraged them in this regard.

I bought them some colouring books for adults and some of the art pens I use for my own work and suggested it could be theraputic. They agreed.
And funnily enough this was mentioned recently. The pens have run out of ink because they have been using them so I got a pack of assorted colours for them on Saturday.
They have some books left as well.

Ive had a phone conversation with them today and as usual it was Eeyore at the start of the call.
It lasted for just over an hour but there was a little smile in their voice at the end.
I try to use humour and encouragement but as I said this has been going on for SO long and there never seems to be any progression.
And I get frustrated. I just want to fix them and I want it to happen quicker than it is.

This thread is good to talk.


And this loved one isn't my only concern, I've got others struggling with life as well!
But this one is the only one who has mentioned suicide when they are really low.

No wonder Im drained sometimes!!!!

 

[Geranium]

Suicide Prevention - HelpGuide.org

Suicide prevention starts with recognizing the warning signs and taking them seriously. Learn what you can do.

www.helpguide.org

This is a really good site, well worth reading if you haven’t seen it before

 

[Chita]

Suicide Prevention - HelpGuide.org

Suicide prevention starts with recognizing the warning signs and taking them seriously. Learn what you can do.

www.helpguide.org

This is a really good site, well worth reading if you haven’t seen it before

Thankyou.
I do take their suicide talk seriously.
They know to phone any time of day or night if they feel that way again.

Its all I can do.
I can't make them seek professional help.

 

[Geranium]

Thankyou.
I do take their suicide talk seriously.
They know to phone any time of day or night if they feel that way again.

Its all I can do.
I can't make them seek professional help.

@Chita I wasn’t posting this for you as it’s clear you are doing everything you possibly can and more.
It was more for anyone reading in a similar situation wondering what to do.

 

[Chita]

@Chita I wasn’t posting this for you as it’s clear you are doing everything you possibly can and more.
It was more for anyone reading in a similar situation wondering what to do.

Thank you.

In the UK there is also this useful link. Enter your postal code and it will bring up a list of places to contact for help near where you live.

Hub of Hope - Mental Health Support Network provided by Chasing the Stigma

Chasing the Stigma (CTS) has launched the Hub of Hope - a national mental health database, bringing help and support together in one place, with a focus on grassroots organisations.

hubofhope.co.uk

 

[Miscanthus]

Thank you.

In the UK there is also this useful link. Enter your postal code and it will bring up a list of places to contact for help near where you live.

Hub of Hope - Mental Health Support Network provided by Chasing the Stigma

Chasing the Stigma (CTS) has launched the Hub of Hope - a national mental health database, bringing help and support together in one place, with a focus on grassroots organisations.

hubofhope.co.uk

Just catching up but it seems that you have tried everything. At first I thought it was depression that was causing the problem but it does seem that there is a spark of life still in your friend. They clearly need mental health counselling but if they won't help themselves I don't know what you can do.
Years ago when I had depression it took a friend saying 'i think you are depressed' for me to realise what was going on. The fact I had a name for my feelings helped and I went to my GP.

 

[Chita]

Just catching up but it seems that you have tried everything. At first I thought it was depression that was causing the problem but it does seem that there is a spark of life still in your friend. They clearly need mental health counselling but if they won't help themselves I don't know what you can do.
Years ago when I had depression it took a friend saying 'i think you are depressed' for me to realise what was going on. The fact I had a name for my feelings helped and I went to my GP.

The point is - you helped yourself.



Years ago I had a life-changing accident. I got reactive depression while dealing with that.
I tried anti-depressants and also went to a psychologist because I didn't want to be on tablets so I have first-hand experience. I still get my own Eeyore periods but I am in control of them instead of them being in control of me.

This particular person refuses to go to a GP, a shrink, or try tablets.
Now I am having to put my thoughts, frustrations, and feelings about their situation into a compartment and file it away in my head.
I need to protect myself.

 

[Kittypops]

The point is - you helped yourself.



Years ago I had a life-changing accident. I got reactive depression while dealing with that.
I tried anti-depressants and also went to a psychologist because I didn't want to be on tablets so I have first-hand experience. I still get my own Eeyore periods but I am in control of them instead of them being in control of me.

This particular person refuses to go to a GP, a shrink, or try tablets.
Now I am having to put my thoughts, frustrations, and feelings about their situation into a compartment and file it away in my head.
I need to protect myself.

You do @Chita
It's hard to put into words, however, if you are being put in a position that you don't want to be in, then you -you- set your boundaries.
I want to say some things, but I don't want them to be inappropriate

 

[Miscanthus]

The point is - you helped yourself.



Years ago I had a life-changing accident. I got reactive depression while dealing with that.
I tried anti-depressants and also went to a psychologist because I didn't want to be on tablets so I have first-hand experience. I still get my own Eeyore periods but I am in control of them instead of them being in control of me.

This particular person refuses to go to a GP, a shrink, or try tablets.
Now I am having to put my thoughts, frustrations, and feelings about their situation into a compartment and file it away in my head.
I need to protect myself.

I was bullied at work in a new job which coincided with the end of a relationship. I had tablets and counselling but it took a year of my life...years ago now.
You really do need to protect your own MH. You have done so much for this person.
I nearly posted on here two days ago because I wanted to cry all day. Now I realise that I felt so low because of other people's emotions being projected on me. I'm also reluctant to share on here because tattle is a happy place for me.