Do you regret having/not having kids?

[tskiry56]

I think I replied in this thread before I have a 6 year old and he wasnt planned. In ways I dont regret having him but in other ways I do as it made me stay with an abuser.
My confidence was rock bottom and I never stood up for myself against my ex. He made out I was a rubbish mum and the emotional abuse made me stay with him.
In the end I found the courage to leave because of the physical abuse.
I know I never would of been with my ex if It wasnt for my son.
3 years later and I have met my new partner who was in relationship for 10 years and didnt want children.
I was scared he wouldn't want to be with me because of my son but he treats my son with so much love and respect.
My son even said he loved him the other day and it reaffirmed in my mind through all the rubbish I went to get to where I am today that I made the right decision.
My new partner said that in the last few years he changed his mind about having children. Ironically his ex who didnt want children is now living with someone with children too.
I don't know if I'll be lucky enough to have anymore children but what i do know is my son now has a better role model in his life and can now see how a male should treat a female.

 

[kem6]

I married at 23 to my husband 5 yrs older who desperately wanted kids before he was 30. I didn’t think too much of if as I knew I wanted kids at some point and knew I had time, but before I knew it the wedding had come around and it was the time we have spoken about, me coming off the pill.. I naively thought ah il prob have another 6 months, next thing 3 weeks later I was pregnant. I spent majority of my pregnancy scared and wondering if it was too soon but I can honestly say now my son is the blessing I didn’t know I needed... no amounts of savings, holidays or nights out can make up for what I get from him each and every day! What I’m getting at is that sometimes you don’t know what you want until you have it. X

 

[nobrains]

I always wanted kids and thought I wanted 2-3. But I have an 18 month old and 3 weeks ago on a family walk,I just felt really content looking at the family that we have got. I said to my husband that I'm not bothered about having anymore and he feels the same. We have found our feet financially having 1 and couldn't imagine a second one in the mix,getting by when on maternity pay and having to buy stuff for two children. I feel a little bit conflicted because I don't want him to be lonely or on his own when we both die one day but by then he will have made a life of his own. We rely on grandparents to help and I wouldnt want to have to ask them to look after two children.

I do miss some aspect of child free life,like being able to do what I want when I want. I had more money too,but then I worked full time and didn't get chance to spend it,now I work part time and have less money but seem to being living more rather than just working. Swings and roundabouts.

I love my lb so much I could never imagine life without him now.

 

[MaxieMoo]

I always wanted children and love them so much but because I have suffered with anxiety, depression, anger, ptsd I sometimes wonder if I shouldn't have had them in case I have passed down my problems to them

If it helps to know I grew up in a household with a variety of things happening. I turned out fine, despite this. You love them. That is the most important thing .

 

[tskiry56]

My daughters father was abusive and although I see my child as her own person, I share the regret that someone else said about being tied to a person like that for life. I read about other women who aborted because their partners were just kinda shitty and I wonder why I didn’t. It has made mentally moving on from the abuse harder

I think it was my post ... I know exactly how you feel. My son said yesterday I get to see daddy on my birthday and xmas day. And it literally breaks my heart as I hate the rules which I have to follow for my son because of someone who literally drained the life out of me.
It scares me that my son will one day turn his back on me or no longer love me because of things his 'dad' says to him.
He come back the last time he had a visit and said to me daddy said you punched him in the face.
Its things like this that scare me as I never did that and the fact that his telling a 6 year old this is wrong. I cant hide from my little boy what happened as he knows his dad hurt me as he witnessed it he even told my mum at the age of 2 daddy hurt mummy.
But I went to counselling to try and help and will always be honest with my son.
I will always worry about him as any mother does a child and this also doesn't help when I have no contact with his dad and only get information about what my son did through my son while he has him.
My son struggled with everything he witnessed etc and used to say things like he hated himself and used to try and hurt me.
My exs parents told him daddy was good so he used to copy his actions.

 

[Elmhart]

I was never maternal and had no interest in children at all. Had a fab time during my twenties, did lots of holidays and basically did as I pleased. Met my husband at 27 and married at 30 and I was quiet clear to him that I may never change my mind and ‘ I had to be enough ‘ which he said I was.
We didn’t really talk about them again and I definitely wasn’t feeling broody at all. Then a colleague at work got pregnant and it made me realise at 33 I needed to decide for sure. Husband said ‘ let’s just see what happens.’ If it happened great if it didn’t we were happy as we were. I got pregnant almost instantly and I remember my husband saying ‘ you ok ?’ Like waiting for my reaction. I was so worried that broodiness or maternal instinct would not kick in. Of course it did and our little boy is our world. It’s funny because I still don’t really like other people’s children much, just my own lol. I am so glad I went for it as I think I would’ve had regrets.

Yes same experience for me. I think it's quite common for you to totally u turn on how you feel about children when you reach your 30s. I know many people who did the same.

 

[DevaVictrix]

We only have one set of grandparents but there 100% the same as this. Everything is begrudged

So sad to read this. My two Nannies and Pappies would have done anything for my siblings and me growing up, we were so fortunate. They loved us and we loved them dearly. Sadly I lost both my Nannies last year, one very suddenly just weeks before my first baby was born, and I miss them terribly and find myself thinking back to all the times with them. Our baby has now made my parents grandparents, and they literally are completely in love with her, they are just so happy. The timing of lil Bubs’ arrival was a godsend, as my mum hurts soo much from losing her own mum. My husband’s mum is dead, but his dad is so happy about his new grand-daughter. I am very grateful for all these people, in my childhood, and in my daughter’s. I realise it is not always the case, which makes me appreciate them even more.

 

[tskiry56]

Thank you to those who have been honest about your feelings. I got pregnant in my teens and then there is a 10yr age gap between my oldest and middle kids. In the meantime I had ovarian cysts and the operation to remove them left me with very little fertility. I was so scared I'd never have another baby, but thankfully my middle and then youngest kids came along. I thought my life was complete. But then my husband cheated on me, and now I'm a single mum with 3 kids...and I hate it. I'm a terrible mum, always tired and losing my temper. My middle son has ADHD, his behaviour can be really awful and he's constantly upsetting my youngest. Now I'm alone, trying to WFH and homeschool and deal with all the screaming...I can't cope. I hate myself for feeling this way as I love my kids so much. But I hate seeing all the perfect mums with their perfect children having a perfect time in social isolation, and I hate all the non parents moaning about being bored. I wanted a happy family with happy children, but that is not the way my life has turned out.

You are not a terrible mum... I thought I was a bad mum not good enough etc when my ex was abusive. Being a single mum makes you strong it makes you independent you should be proud of yourself! We all have self doubt sometimes. Not everyones lives is perfect as many people only post the happy bits in life. My ex posted a photo of the car which had to be removed of my driveway last year after leaving it there for 2 years... so happy he had it back etc. But he didnt tell all his 'followers' that he is a domestic abuser! Social media does not reflect real life.

 

[Team JCM]

Thank you, sorry all I absolutely didn’t intend for me-rail this thread. I think the ‘look after yourself first’ is well meaning but often easier said than done in reality.



I wish there was a [hug] reaction on here sometimes x

I do understand though, I’m not trying to be well meaning, I get it. My niece is 17 and severely disabled (can’t walk/talk) my sisters marriage broke down over the constant stress and care required and she has only just now managed to get her daughter into full time care that she desperately needs. My sisters mental health had suffered terribly (she herself is a clinical psychiatrist) she said that she had to make time every day for herself even if it was just 15 mins on a mediation app for herself to find some peace.

 

[lexle]

I had my son when I was 20, I’m now 26. I’ve always wanted children, I pictured this perfect happy family with my then partner that I would have and sadly that didn’t happen (which I’m glad about now) My sons father hasn’t seen my son since he was one year old. I suppose it’s not regret, it’s more that I wish my partner now was my sons biological dad, but at the same time my wonderful little boy is 50% his father and so he wouldn’t be who he is without that (I do take the credit for his entire upbringing so far though ) I can’t wait to have another child, but my son has special needs so it’s a tough decision whether I could dedicate enough time to another child. I can’t imagine life without my son, he’s incredible.
However, I do understand those who don’t want children and do want to go to the toilet in peace and not hear the word mum shouted at them 1,000 times a day, usually the minute you sit down

 

[MaxieMoo]

It never occurred to me at ask friends for advice on the decision to have children. It was something that my husband and I discussed privately. I think it would be best to suggest it's a decision that the two of them make together. My friend didn't want children until one day she suddenly had the most overwhelming desire to be a Mother. Her and her husband then had a baby the following year. She never regretted it. They had been married nearly twenty years when that happened .

Hopefully your friend will come to the right decision for herself naturally. I appreciate it must be a bit difficult when friends ask for advice.

 

[working9-5]

I’m almost 40, single and medical issues surrounding fertility so I doubt I will be having children. I’m ok with that, but worry if I was to meet someone I would change my mind and then not be able to anyway. I’m just thinking out loud really.
It’s such a shame adoption is so difficult as I’d definitely consider that.
I really feel for those with kids at the moment and juggling everything.x

 

[Cantstandspanj]

I’m 38. I’ve been with my husband for 10 years. We both agreed early on that we didn’t want to have children.

However that changed in my about 2 years ago. We had a baby last year and honestly I wish I’d done it sooner.

Now I don’t want her to be an only child. For many of the reasons mentioned in this thread but mostly incase anything happens to us and she’s on her own. But if we are to have another, given my age, we would need to do it fairly soon. However, I’m still traumatised by my last labour and financially we would need a bit more time to afford maternity leave again.

If I could do anything differently I’d have had my first child about two years earlier.

 

[B192020]

A cousin once said to me ‘you will never regret having them but you might regret not having them’. it helped me make up my mind when I was unsure!
But saying that I can totally understand why some people don’t want to have kids at all.

 

[Roarquaver]

I can totally relate to this. You take it for granted when you have it only to pine for it when you don’t.

I love my children and am so grateful to have them, even though the reality of motherhood for me has been miles apart from what I’d ever imagined. I never thought for a second that I’d have children with additional needs, it just never entered my mind, though I suppose that’s not something you can foresee.

I think it was harder as my son regressed and went into his own little bubble. One minute it felt like he was just your average child developing typically and the next he had all these struggles and then words were being thrown around that I didn’t understand much about at the time, and me being pregnant again right in the middle of it all didn’t help. I have to admit, since then and the birth of my second child (who I also suspect has addditonal needs) my confidence has taken a nosedive and I’m riddled with anxiety. I have had to sacrifice my job (which I loved) to be there for them at all times.

I have often felt regret about having my second child (usually during times of great stress) and immediately felt awful for even thinking it because the truth is I’d be utterly bereft if anything happened to him, he’s such a beautiful wee soul. They both are.

I had so many people inundating me with offers to babysit when I was pregnant with my first. I never see any of these people now since we discovered he was autistic, and not once has anyone offered to take second child since he was born. Not once. I didn’t even have many visitors after he was born. We don’t really have a support system either as family live too far away to take them. I have just accepted it now and don’t rely on anyone but my husband. My children are very clingy to me and I think that’s why, they’re used to me being around all the time. It’s very isolating, but it is what it is.

That sounds really tough and I'm thinking of you
You are not alone in having those moments of it all feeling totally relentless.
Although I know as soon as I'm retired with nothing to do I'll be back to moaning about being bored ha. X

 

[JoeBloggs]

I have loved reading your replies, thank you for being so honest. I think Instagram makes parenthood out to be a bed of roses and while I love my kiddies to bits, it is hard.

I spoke to my friend over the weekend, we don't live close and tried to reassure her that the choice was hers and that no one can put pressure on her either way. I think she is lonely, I know she was bullied at school and one girl made all her friends turn against her so she left with only two friends. This group still see each other so it hard for her to see on facebook etc or them all socialize all these years down the line with the bully. The two friends she did have, have had kids and she doesn't see them now. We have a small group from uni, where we met, but we don't live close so it's hard to see each other that often.

She works in a small office so has no work friends, and recently moved to a new town. I' trying to encourage her to join a group or class so she can meet people in her new area. I'd hate for her to have a baby to fill a void. I know her partners depression has been hard too, I wish I could do more. I'd love for her to move nearer me, but she can't afford it.

 

[GossipMongoose]

very true. I often wonder why some people are dealt better hands than others?
It’s my own doing but I’ve hardly any friends anymore as I can’t cope with seeing everybody else’s “perfect lives” and even if there not perfect there a lot better than mine. It’s hard to be bitter but I try my best

I don’t know why some people are seemingly dealt fairer hands than others. It’s shit and I’m sorry.

 

[JoeBloggs]

Team JCM, I am sorry for you loss.

Please do not think I am judging her, its her choice to make. As someone who has kids I find it hard to give advice, I'd hate for her to go either way and wish she'd gone the other. I guess there is no right or wrong answer.

 

[Deepsigh2018]

I have 2 very much unplanned children but I honestly couldnt imagine life without them. It has been tough at times but not due to them just me trying to juggle everything. They are very easy going though at the moment. Eldest was a lovely baby rarely cried but dreadful toddler and now back to being a lovely child. Youngest was an awful baby he never slept but is delightful as a toddler. I would love to have more kids just need to find a decent guy first lol

 

[B192020]

That is the complete opposite of what I have read... many people do regret children but are afraid to admit it and that is more abundantly clear during covid.

If anything, I would rather not have kids than have them, regret it and then resent them. Any people I know who have never had kids never regretted it.

I would be very interested to see the % of people who actually regret having children and resent them. Lots of people would rather things were easier or less intense but I think very few people actually regret having their kids or resent them.

I have no issue with people who don’t want kids. I can absolutely see the appeal. But I don’t think many people actually regret or resent their children.

Can I jump on this and ask a legal question? I've moved jobs and were planning baby2... Not sure how long I have to work there before qualifying for paid mat leave.... Also - we have one who is nearly 2.5. she's out everything. I always wanted children and DH did too. She sleeps so well (although recently has only slept in bed with us) but up until age 2 slept 12hrs and 2hr nap in her own for. Amazing.

I doubt well get another who will be such an angel re sleep! Can't companion though as we've had it super easy with her.

Re baby no2.... They'll be about a 4year age gap presuming i get preggo at Xmas which is the plan. What do people think about that gap?

In hindsight I think a smaller gap.epuld have been better, similar toys/interests... Bit it's only really.now that I feel ready to consider anothet she's my baby!!! Plus I left a pretty toxic shit job a few months ago and I wasnt in a good place to even consider another baby.

For any legal people out there... How long do I need to be at new job before mat leave?! Tia xx

Statutory Maternity Pay (SMP)
(i) All staff members who have been continuously employed by the Board for 26 weeks at the
beginning of the 15th week before the expected week of confinement (ECW) are entitled to
statutory maternity pay, provided they earn the minimum amount specified by law (which
changes from time to time).
(ii) The rate of SMP is 90% of average weekly earnings for the first 6 weeks, followed by a rate
equivalent to the current rate of Statutory Sick Pay (which changes from time to time by law)
for a further period of up to 33 weeks. SMP is not payable before the employee has ceased
work because of pregnancy or after she has returned to work.
(iii) To qualify for the right to maternity pay, the employee must notify the line manage, in writing,
that she is pregnant and of the expected week of childbirth and produce the Mat B1 Certificate
signed by a doctor or registered midwife confirming the expected week of childbirth. The
employee must also by the 15th week (notification week) before the EWC, give, in writing, the date when she intends to take leave.
(iv) If you do not qualify for SMP, please request a form SMP1 from the HR Manger detailing the
reasons why. This should be taken to the local Jobcentre Plus Office as it is likely that you will
be entitled to either Maternity Allowance or Incapacity Benefit. For further details of any state
benefits, contact your local Jobcentre Plus or www.jobcentreplus.gov.uk.
Maternity Pay Period
The following applies both to school maternity pay and to SMP.
(i) Staff members can choose within limits when they wish their maternity pay period to begin. It
can begin at any time from the beginning of the 11th week before the ECW until the date the
child is born. It will begin automatically if the employee is absent from work because of her
pregnancy at any time after the beginning of the 4th week before the ECW (see 5.6 (iii) below).
(ii) Maternity pay will be paid monthly at the same time and in the same way as the normal salary.

You can get maternity allowance regardless of how long you have worked there. Maternity allowance is the same as stat maternity pay. Different organisations have different rules regarding how long you need to work there to get enhanced maternity leave (beyond statutory)