Do you regret having/not having kids?

[Literallyetcetc]

I am 30 getting married soon to long term boyfriend , I can’t have kids but even if I could I wouldnt want them. Yes we could adopt etc but we honestly love our life as it is. We like our freedom both with time and money.
We also like travelling and luckily we are both on the same page.

We have a niece that we adore - we both say we were put on earth to be auntie and uncle not mummy and daddy

 

[JOHN1967]

To be honest I like having the little ones over, at my age over 50, the under 4's seem more like grandchildren than nephews and nieces. The best bit is when they come running to you for something when their dad is in the room. He tells them "Uncle John will be gone in a few days, who will help you then". BTW the latest nieces are twin girls 10 months old. They are fantastic.

The best thing about being an uncle is, you can hand them back at the end.

 

[Lilbear1]

I had premature menopause at 17 (im 43 now) so never even had the option. But also comes with added s#it as been on hrt for 26 years and not without huge problems. But as already been said you live with the cards you are dealt with but i will never know what choice i would of made and the what ifs. So just be happy with your choices.

 

[SassyShetland]

Life isnt about material things, its about family/people/connections. Myself and my husband have all those things you mention, we also have a 22 and 19yo. You struggle financially in the early years (well we did), and life got easier as they got older but not once did I ever wish I could have a double income and spend it on what I wanted. We had Sun holidays in a caravan, thats all we needed and could afford at the time and we had a great time.

I think you're judging people on your experience here a life without children can be equally fulfilling. 'Family/People/Connections' are absolutely not dependent on having children, they can exist without them, quite happily. People without children are not just interested in material things, and even if they are it doesn't mean their life isn't fulfilled. You chose to spend your incomes on what you wanted and that was Children, for these people it's holidaying.

 

[NapQueen]

Child-free by choice and no regrets at all.

 

[HairyToes]

Having kids does not guarantee you won’t be alone later. Kids grow, get busy and have lives of their own. I worked in a retirement home and not very many kids bothered with their parents. Some are estranged or the kids died or just arent interested. I do not regret my choice not to have any.

 

[tskiry56]

I posted in a similar thread to this. I have a 6 year old son I dont regret having him. I regret when I had him and the fact that because I had him I thought I had to stay in a violent relationship.
Although I eventually found the courage to leave it lead to 2 years of going to court for child access and having to relive everything that happened to me. ( I ended up with PTSD,depression and anexity)
I also have a permanent tie to someone I never want to see again in my life.
I'm now with a new partner and would like children but scared I dont deserve them and that we won't be lucky enough to have them.
I feel like I missed out on alot of my little boys first few years as I tried to block out the abuse. My ex always told me I was a bad mum and I want the chance to prove I am a good mum.

 

[Lurkerlurker2019]

I have 2 children, a 4 year old and a 2 month old. I love them so much and don't regret it, but being a parent is so hard. I sometimes find myself yearning for my old life of being able to come and go as I please and selfishly only thinking of myself. Some days I want to sit on my phone or watch mind numbing TV without having to get down on the floor and play with the toys that I spend hours cleaning up for my house to still look like a shit hole.

My youngest has health issues and I joke that if I had her first I wouldn't have had anymore. My mental health has suffered greatly both times but personally for me, the great times outweigh the bad.

As a woman we're constantly judged. If you don't want children you're considered heartless and strange and if you do have children you can't do right for doing wrong. Everyone has an opinion, you've just got to push all the bullshit to one side and do what's best for you.

 

[MoT]

It’s weird I’ve seen this thread. I don’t come on here often & I very rarely post. But this is something I’ve been thinking about over the last few months.
I have three kids, I had my first at 18 & my last at 22. Third wasn’t planned & we actually had a termination booked in, but we couldn’t go through with it.
I sometimes wish we had. It makes my heart hurt typing this. My third child is difficulT, my first two are a breeze. Third struggles with learning, temper, making friends & socialising, they are very immature for their age, they make every little thing 10 times harder than it should be & I don’t even think they are happy. They argue & fight with siblings constantly. I think there is more to it all but unfortunately we’ve struggled to get anyone to take us seriously as they can behave so nicely in front of others.
I have sleepless nights wondering if we made the wrong choice all those years ago. I struggle to see how they will live a ‘normal’ & happy life. & in very selfish terms I just think about how hard our life has been because of them & how much easier it would/could have been without them.
I love them, all of them & in some ways I love the third the most.
live is hard!!

 

[Lizzie Mintdrop]

I turned 40 last year, been with my partner for 12 years. The desire to have a child never came, I can't see that changing. You can only live for now, there is no point having a child because you may regret not having one in the future. A child has a right to be wanted, rather than being a security blanket to protect against future loneliness. It would be heartless to have a child for any other reason than wanting to be the best parent you can be and provide love, comfort, sustenance and happiness to the child's life.

 

[yankydoo]

I'm 33 and single. I got married fairly young and it broke down quickly. In my late 20s I was desperately wanting children and felt I had missed my chance. But the older I have got, made more money, got used to being single and making plans as and when I want, that desperate feeling has gone and sometimes I wonder if I do even want kids in the future. I look at my friends who had children in their 20s and am glad I didn't do that now (no judgement to those of you who had them) because I don't think I would have achieved what I wanted had I had them and I also feel I would have lost my identity in way.

What I do know I want is a partner and a committed relationship. I feel that when I get that I will be in a better position to judge if I want kids or not.

 

[Charmed40]

My husband and I never wanted kids, far too selfish! I now have a 13 year old and a 2 year old! I applaud anyone who openly says they never want them! I dislike kids, I'll say that to anyone. I absolutely adore my children and will put my kids before anything. Crazy I know how it sounds. Im glad I had children. They are hard work most of the time but are so rewarding, my husband loves it. We are skint but they never go without. I don't blame anyone who doesn't want them, each to their own I say. Omg I sound a bit shit but im a good mummy just trying to put my point across

 

[chocolate choux]

I have one and honestly, in hindsight I would have chosen to have kids later, if at all. My daughter was unplanned and I did intend to get an abortion - I went to the clinic to have the initial appointment and had a counselling session about it too. Then I had a threatened miscarriage and thought it wasn’t my decision to make. I had previously had a miscarriage and this evoked memories, I felt like it would be so cruel to abort if the fetus survived. Somehow she did so that was that

My daughters father was abusive and although I see my child as her own person, I share the regret that someone else said about being tied to a person like that for life. I read about other women who aborted because their partners were just kinda shitty and I wonder why I didn’t. It has made mentally moving on from the abuse harder

I also feel like I was too young. I got pregnant at 23, gave birth at 24. Not incredibly young but I feel like I still had a lot of growing up to do and should have experienced life more, got a career, prioritised myself. Practical things are harder now with a baby in tow - I don’t have a family to support me, and my ex’s family are too far away and do not want to be involved regardless. On top of this my daughter has allergies and possibly some additional needs (too young to be diagnosed but she’s delayed) so she’s not a straightforward child. Sometimes it feels like it takes superhuman strength to get through the day and do basic stuff, and although mentally I want to aim higher in life, it feels impossible at this stage

Also a massive factor that in hindsight would make me not want to have kids: I didn’t realise how much my anxiety would worsen. I worry about my daughter 24/7. A friend looked after her for under an hour the other day and I couldn’t relax because I was terrified of something going wrong. I know it’s normal to worry but I hate how it feels. It may be the postnatal depression talking but I don’t find the love outweighs the anxiety, it’s just such an awful feeling which I feel will never go away even when she’s an adult

I feel like having kids is a very personal decision made especially hard by the fact you don’t know what having kids is like until you have them, at which point you can’t send them back. I think you can imagine it in detail but until that is your real life you cannot know how you feel about it for sure. The only thing you can do about it is make sure you’ve considered all the facts and that if you choose to have children, you’re mentally, physically, emotionally, financially (etc) prepared for them

 

[Everdene]

My husband and I don't want kids and aren't bothered by it. We freelance on the computer and hop countries every few months working, exploring and doing charity work. We are in love with our lives, want for nothing and feel complete.

Oddly enough it's (usually unhappy) family members that keep nagging us when we are going to "build a life" or pass on the family name. Like we are wasting away following our personal dreams and not sticking to their grocery list of life goals. Most are supportive though. Don't know how it will be in 10 years when we will be starting to pass the reproductive age.

Maybe if you don't feel the instinct it's better not to. If you're afraid of being lonely it might be better to invest in friendships. I personally don't really know anyone that absolutely loves to spend a bunch of time with their parents over their friends.

 

[bubbletea123]

My husband and I don't want kids and aren't bothered by it. We freelance on the computer and hop countries every few months working, exploring and doing charity work. We are in love with our lives, want for nothing and feel complete.

Oddly enough it's (usually unhappy) family members that keep nagging us when we are going to "build a life" or pass on the family name. Like we are wasting away following our personal dreams and not sticking to their grocery list of life goals. Most are supportive though. Don't know how it will be in 10 years when we will be starting to pass the reproductive age.

Maybe if you don't feel the instinct it's better not to. If you're afraid of being lonely it might be better to invest in friendships. I personally don't really know anyone that absolutely loves to spend a bunch of time with their parents over their friends.

I often find it is people with children (who are unhappy) that badger us about having children...misery loves company I guess.

 

[Maxine1974]

Same to you, we play the hand we‘re dealt

very true. I often wonder why some people are dealt better hands than others?
It’s my own doing but I’ve hardly any friends anymore as I can’t cope with seeing everybody else’s “perfect lives” and even if there not perfect there a lot better than mine. It’s hard to be bitter but I try my best

 

[Lynseyp]

I have 3 children and i knew when growing up that i would like 3 children if possible. My husband is an only child whereas i have 1 sibling. We had our 1st child and he didn't want anymore whereas i did - i appreciated having a sibling mainly because we liked to argue and fight as kids
With him being an only child its affected him in many ways - doesn't mix with others, on his own all the time growing up, was sad and depressed, worried about being lonely especially if his parents passed while he was still very young (that didnt happen).
I didn't want my daughter to feel like that too, i respected his decision same as he respected mine and later on we had 2 more kids.
Pleased to say he's glad we have 3 happy healthy children 2 of which were born close together so less than a year apart in age and they are best mates as well as brothers.
My husband lost his mum when he was in his mid forties but we no longer speak to his father. Quite often hubby would say he's glad he's got me and the children as if he didnt he has no other family and nothing to live for.
I completely understand people's reasons for having/ not having kids, it's a personal choice that shouldn't be judged either way x

 

[GossBoss]

No children here and no regrets. My husband didn't want any and I did get a bit broody when I was 30 + thought it's now or never. Thought about it and got a Mercedes Sports car instead 4 Years later after 10yrs of marriage we split up, so glad it was an easy amicable split with no children to think about. Since then I've had 2 long term relationship with people who did have kids. Still no regrets. The *only* downside I'd say is , as an only child myself it'd be nice to have a close family support network. People to turn to, to lean on, to be there. Saying that though I do have great friends and I do know big families who don't really give a stuff about each other.

 

[Pixipoppy]

This thread is so interesting and I’m so grateful for everyone’s honesty.

This is something I’ve been battling with lately, I’ll be 32 this year and I’ve been with my partner for almost 7 years. He is from a large family and wants “at least 3” children. I always assumed I’d be a mother and never pictured my future without kids... but honestly, the older I get the further away I feel from actually wanting that to be a reality.

I do wonder if I should have just had kids young, before I had established a career, hobbies and become set in my ways. The thought of giving up my life as it is now for a baby seems insane to me. I

I am hoping and praying to wake up one day with an undeniable broodiness, mainly for my partners sake. Luckily he is from a huge family and already has several nieces/nephews with undoubtedly more to come, so we will always be around babies and children - I just don’t know if that will be enough for him.

 

[Team JCM]

I have children, one of whom has a long term condition which has changed our lives forever and unfortunately also comes with some challenging behaviour. ‘Child’ is now a young adult and we are exhausted by it. My mental health is fragile and my marriage (to child’s father) has been through hell and high water, I don’t know how we are still standing. It is relentless. I love my children but honestly, if I had my time again, I don’t think I’d be a mother. It has taken every last piece of my soul.

Look after yourself first, you must do this for you and your health. Then you can look after everyone else. Hoping for better times ahead for you