Do you regret having/not having kids?

[GiftedNotFree]

Thank you to everyone that has replied so far and for being so honest - very interesting.

I had an abortion at 19 and it was the best decision for me. I have never felt "maternal" really and as a kid from very young (maybe 7 or 8) I was very aware that I didn't think I wanted to be a mother. I'm 30 now and that hasn't changed. I actually really love to be around kids and have 2 nieces and a nephew that I adore but have no interest in rearing children. Sometimes I wonder if when I'm older I will "regret" not having kids but I remind myself that I know my own mind and for the most part those thoughts are rooted in everyday sexism rather than reality.

 

[Looney toons]

Very interesting thread thank you OP.
Well im 47 and never have and still don't want children. I do have that fear at times of what will i do when I'm old, but I've seen many people with adult kids that are lonely as they don't bother with their parents so there is no guarantees. Don't shoot me down as this is just my opinion, but i find kids extremely boring. I crave an adult conversation and can't do with any of the naughtiness that comes with kids like them doing opposite to what you ask. Im not an old hag that wants children to be seen and not heard, i just don't want them. Of course i like children and would walk over hot coals to help a child in danger. As a woman its odd how some people still think its "weird" to not enjoy being with children like you are a complete pyscho.

 

[Spanner]

I was never really bothered about children but I kind of assumed I would have them. Then I got accidentally pregnant in my late 30s. I always thought if I got pregnant I’d be really conflicted about what to do, I’d struggle to decide & it would be really hard but it turns out my first thought was absolute horror and I had an abortion straight away. No regrets although I do think about how old it would be now & how we’d be coping in lockdown (not well!) I think there’s a lot of pressure on women to say things like “oh I love kids, I just don’t want any of my own” I’ve said it myself because I feel like it’s expected. The truth is I don’t enjoy spending time with kids at all!

Also, I’m an only child. No regrets there either (well, not my regret to have really. That’s down to my parents) Having a sibling is no guarantee they will be close or even that they will be on speaking terms - my dad hasn't spoken to his brother for 30 years. Anyway, just wanted to reassure parents with only one - I was never lonely, I’m very social and very close to my parents. You just have to do what feels right for you at the time, we can’t make decisions for other people. I wish my parents were grandparents but I can’t have kids for them. They could drop down dead tomorrow and I still have to live with the life I’ve created.

Sorry, that was more of a ramble than I intended!

 

[JCMSadie]

Thank you to those who have been honest about your feelings. I got pregnant in my teens and then there is a 10yr age gap between my oldest and middle kids. In the meantime I had ovarian cysts and the operation to remove them left me with very little fertility. I was so scared I'd never have another baby, but thankfully my middle and then youngest kids came along. I thought my life was complete. But then my husband cheated on me, and now I'm a single mum with 3 kids...and I hate it. I'm a terrible mum, always tired and losing my temper. My middle son has ADHD, his behaviour can be really awful and he's constantly upsetting my youngest. Now I'm alone, trying to WFH and homeschool and deal with all the screaming...I can't cope. I hate myself for feeling this way as I love my kids so much. But I hate seeing all the perfect mums with their perfect children having a perfect time in social isolation, and I hate all the non parents moaning about being bored. I wanted a happy family with happy children, but that is not the way my life has turned out.

 

[Orange Creme]

I always wanted children and love them so much but because I have suffered with anxiety, depression, anger, ptsd I sometimes wonder if I shouldn't have had them in case I have passed down my problems to them

 

[LittleMy]

Never regretted having kids but I sometimes wish I had made a bit more of my kid free time. Used to moan about being bored etc but now ide love a bit of free time for all the books/films/places/hobbies I want.

I can totally relate to this. You take it for granted when you have it only to pine for it when you don’t.

I love my children and am so grateful to have them, even though the reality of motherhood for me has been miles apart from what I’d ever imagined. I never thought for a second that I’d have children with additional needs, it just never entered my mind, though I suppose that’s not something you can foresee.

I think it was harder as my son regressed and went into his own little bubble. One minute it felt like he was just your average child developing typically and the next he had all these struggles and then words were being thrown around that I didn’t understand much about at the time, and me being pregnant again right in the middle of it all didn’t help. I have to admit, since then and the birth of my second child (who I also suspect has addditonal needs) my confidence has taken a nosedive and I’m riddled with anxiety. I have had to sacrifice my job (which I loved) to be there for them at all times.

I have often felt regret about having my second child (usually during times of great stress) and immediately felt awful for even thinking it because the truth is I’d be utterly bereft if anything happened to him, he’s such a beautiful wee soul. They both are.

I had so many people inundating me with offers to babysit when I was pregnant with my first. I never see any of these people now since we discovered he was autistic, and not once has anyone offered to take second child since he was born. Not once. I didn’t even have many visitors after he was born. We don’t really have a support system either as family live too far away to take them. I have just accepted it now and don’t rely on anyone but my husband. My children are very clingy to me and I think that’s why, they’re used to me being around all the time. It’s very isolating, but it is what it is.

 

[Jedoc]

I have 3 children,in hindsight should have stopped at 2 for financial and sanity reasons but we will manage and would never regret them.
I find the OP so interesting because my OH and I are both only children too and always say the greatest gift we have given our children is a sibling,we were both so loney as children and sometimes now too it would be great to have a brother or sister to rely on. But obviously everyone is different and can do whatever they want with their own lives

 

[Jennyie]

I was 24 when I met my now husband (he is 13 years older)
I hadn’t even considered marriage or kids and didn’t for a long time after meeting him. I moved in with him after 18 months and 5 years later we married. It just sort of happened and we have been married nearly 10 years. The years passed by and we developed a lovely, happy, contented life etc. We love to travel and we have always had dogs too, our lives are centred around them, in essence they are our children. I am approaching 40 and have never felt the urge to become a Mum, I have found pleasure and love in many many other ways. My twin sister has a toddler, my best friends have chiidren and I find joy and love in being close to them too. I certainly have no regrets not having children.

I'm mid 40's and my husband and I decided that we didn't want to have children pretty early on in our marriage (now married 15 years). We have never regretted it and I think it's unlikely we ever will. We have no real rock solid reason for not wanting to start a family. From my own personal perspective there was a lot of issues in my home as a child. This is probably an underlining factor. I'll tell you what my the main regret for me is regarding having children - other people. People who assume we don't like children despite both adoring them. Friends making us feel inferior because of it. I've heard the comment "you haven't got children you don't understand". It's quite hurtful because I don't have children but I do have a heart. Same with money. Friends always suggesting we have soooooooo much money and can do whatever we want!! And the real icing on the cake is my in laws. Who after the arrival of their first grandchild (my husbands sibling) proceeded to freeze out of things including family get togethers and family holidays as "well, we thought you wouldn't want to be around the children". Makes me well up now as it's effectively destroyed our relationship with them.

I also resent the fact people think I dislike children because I chose not to have them. It also too a LONG time for people to stop asking when we were ‘having kids’ after we go married. After nearly ten years I think they’ve got bored of asking.

 

[bubbletea123]

People you know who didnt have kids and never regretted it may not be honest, I know several couples that decided they didnt want children, split up then one or both went on to have kids with new partners.

They're living their best lives with second holiday homes, vacationing when they want, having a double income and spending it on what they want. They seem very content and in fact have discussed that lockdown has reaffirmed their decision to not have children.

 

[Opalfruit8]

I don’t have kids yet but I also don’t know if I want them. I love my life as it is and in the next four years ill have paid off my flat entirely. Then I can travel.
Kids may bring joy but right now life is too rich and I’m too selfish lol

 

[PrincessShark]

I was the one who no one could ever imagine having children, I was not maternal in any way, wondered how and why so many of my friends wanted kids or wanted to work with kids!

I now have nearly 3 of them. And I wouldn't change it for the world. I don't particularly like other people's children, I hate the school run and don't like play dates at my house
But I am always told how polite, caring and well behaved mine are. I've had my struggles along the way, especially with my second and his health problems early in life, but I look back and I see that I am super woman and I am proud of my children

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

We don’t have kids and I don’t really want any. I love children but don’t feel the NEED.
However your friend can always change her mind. Even after menopause! People seem to think only biological children count but you can adopt and foster.
I always thought if things change for me that’s what I will do. Also would adopt and older child as they are the ones always overlooked.

 

[GossipMongoose]

Look after yourself first, you must do this for you and your health. Then you can look after everyone else. Hoping for better times ahead for you

Thank you, sorry all I absolutely didn’t intend for me-rail this thread. I think the ‘look after yourself first’ is well meaning but often easier said than done in reality.

I always wanted children and love them so much but because I have suffered with anxiety, depression, anger, ptsd I sometimes wonder if I shouldn't have had them in case I have passed down my problems to them

I wish there was a [hug] reaction on here sometimes x

 

[MaxieMoo]

Thank you, sorry all I absolutely didn’t intend for me-rail this thread. I think the ‘look after yourself first’ is well meaning but often easier said than done in reality.



I wish there was a [hug] reaction on here sometimes x

Please don't apologise. Personally I find Tattle is a really good place to discuss stuff and says things without judgment unlike in real life. For some of us it helps a bit just to put our feelings out there. You're definitely not derailing the thread .

 

[LittleB]

I found it such a shock to the system when I had my son - I had no idea how hard it would be (even though people tell you!) There were many days I felt that I had ruined my life by becoming a mum. My son is 2 now and I find it much easier. I think some women really love the newborn stage but in all honesty I hated it.

I am now terrified of having another child as I found it so difficult first time around, but I feel ‘mean’ not giving my son a sibling as I am one of 3. Can anyone share their experience of being an only child? Is it such a bad thing?

 

[GemAitch]

I have children, one of whom has a long term condition which has changed our lives forever and unfortunately also comes with some challenging behaviour. ‘Child’ is now a young adult and we are exhausted by it. My mental health is fragile and my marriage (to child’s father) has been through hell and high water, I don’t know how we are still standing. It is relentless. I love my children but honestly, if I had my time again, I don’t think I’d be a mother. It has taken every last piece of my soul.

Same here! I totally agree with everything you said! In a similar situation to you. Some days I wish I'd stayed child free

 

[Blondie]

Your not alone. Sometimes I feel like that too. I have a partner with depression and it feels like I'm a single parent majority of the time.
If everything is on your shoulders you will feel the way you do. You probably just need a break a few days on your own to rest. Can their dad not have them?

And don't forget, people post the best bits of their day on social media. Might only be 5 minutes a day.
If you find yourself comparing you to others then definitely take some time off social media because it will make you feel worse.

No kids are perfect, no one is having a perfect time and nobody is perfect. You are good enough, you're kids love you and are probably loving the time they get with you. It's an intense situation we have been thrown into, not being able to get out the house whenever we want. It definitely helps but you are doing your best. Definitely remind yourself of that every day xx @JCMSadie

 

[NOMB]

I always knew I wanted kids but didn’t know when. I loved travelling. Going out whenever I liked. Popping to the shop for a pint of milk without a military operation!
I had my first son at 29, very unplanned. I had only been with my now husband a year. I’m glad it happened how it did because I reckon I would still be putting it off now. He is now 4 and we have a 6 month old. Going from 1 to 2 has been the biggest game changer. Family don’t seem to be interested in the second child.
I love my kids more than anything but sometimes feel like daily life can be monotonous and being a mother is a thankless task. It’s bloody hard work.

 

[bubbletea123]

No children and am close to 30. I told my fiance when we started dating I did not want children. I thought I may change my mind but as I get older my opinion gets more firm. Have never been maternal and cannot picture my life with a child. I am a huge introvert and need space and quiet time. At least with our dog, I can lock him in a room or go out without him if he is annoying me. When we come back from friends with children, we are grateful to come home to a peaceful house. Even when we visit our niece and nephew it is very draining. So far no regrets. We have a lot of money in savings as well as accessible. We love our lives and getting to do what we want when we want. Being around friend's children and hearing stories just confirms to me that it isn't for me. I would rather regret not having children, than have a child and regret it and be resentful.

 

[LaurieLaurie]

I enjoyed the baby/young child age but I wouldn’t do it again either. When I was pregnant grandparents were full of talk of babysitting but they were only words, my daughter must have been five before she spent a night away from me and they weren’t overly keen to do it.