People you know who didnt have kids and never regretted it may not be honest, I know several couples that decided they didnt want children, split up then one or both went on to have kids with new partners.
- Notice
Thank you
GossipMongoose
VIP Member
much love to you and yours Team JCMbubbletea123
VIP Member
That's called serotonin when it comes to children.
Maxine1974
Well-known member
We only have one set of grandparents but there 100% the same as this. Everything is begrudged
Noname12345
Chatty Member
Erm, I feel broody about 2 years ago. I had this major need in me to have a baby. It's gone now, but I know I was ready back then.
My pets are a great distraction for me. I'm not comparing them to children, but they keep me entertained and force me to get out of bed.
I'm a mother of a 22yo and 19yo.
To me kids are life.
The best thing about this lockdown is being with my family, the worst thing about lockdown is also being with my family. All the difficult times are what makes us as people, a learning curve, a time to bond. Its not for everyone, but no regrets here.
To me kids are life.
The best thing about this lockdown is being with my family, the worst thing about lockdown is also being with my family. All the difficult times are what makes us as people, a learning curve, a time to bond. Its not for everyone, but no regrets here.
JoeBloggs
VIP Member
I think this is part of her worry, her partner hasn't got a great relationship with his family and would happily not see them if it wasn't for her. He has a history of depression as he had a rough childhood. From what she has said, he has fears of having children because of his childhood. They both agreed being only children is lonely so if they do have any they will have at least 2.I have 3 children and i knew when growing up that i would like 3 children if possible. My husband is an only child whereas i have 1 sibling. We had our 1st child and he didn't want anymore whereas i did - i appreciated having a sibling mainly because we liked to argue and fight as kids
With him being an only child its affected him in many ways - doesn't mix with others, on his own all the time growing up, was sad and depressed, worried about being lonely especially if his parents passed while he was still very young (that didnt happen).
I didn't want my daughter to feel like that too, i respected his decision same as he respected mine and later on we had 2 more kids.
Pleased to say he's glad we have 3 happy healthy children 2 of which were born close together so less than a year apart in age and they are best mates as well as brothers.
My husband lost his mum when he was in his mid forties but we no longer speak to his father. Quite often hubby would say he's glad he's got me and the children as if he didnt he has no other family and nothing to live for.
I completely understand people's reasons for having/ not having kids, it's a personal choice that shouldn't be judged either way x
Satisfying Click
VIP Member
A couple of people mentioned the thought process of putting it off - I actually did something similar. We'd try after we got married - then it became we'd try after a year of marriage - then we were both wanting more and more time. For me, it really helped me thinking in knowing that motherhood is a choice. We're always taught it's a foregone conclusion, but it really helped to give me the space I needed to help the decision making.
I can feel that in these few sentences
Do you get any external support? Reading your story I immediately thought about peer support- if there are local peer supporters local to you there might be one who has a similar background to you who you could really talk to and have that shared experience.
It’s very moving hearing that it’s taken every piece of your soul. We applaud strength and a parent’s love, but sometimes that makes it harder for people to talk about the darkness and despair too.
I'm 24 and undecided. My younger sister had her first at 16 (now 3yo) and her second at 18(now 1yo). She still lives at home (I know, my parents not impressed!!) so I have seen first-hand what motherhood is like. I know I'm not ready yet but living in a house with 2 under 3 I'm not sure its for me. I love my freedom and I can see my sister wishing she had hers back.
I can understand your worry... does your ex have contact atall?
I didnt find the courage to press charges against my ex until a while after as he was that controlling and emotionally abusive.
It is a shame that the law of coercive behaviour come in after. But its not until your out of an abusive relationship you see everything so clearly and wonder why you didnt stand up for yourself earlier.
Because my little boy witnessed quite alot of violence he has had therapy and support.
I have wrote him letters for when his older and I also write a blog to explain how I was feeling etc.
I have been honest with my son and said what daddy did was wrong etc. Children need to understand this and I have explained in an age appropriate way.
I would try and get yourself and your daughter some support I know when I did with my son I was fobbed off until he was school age.
Well done for findinng the courage to leave, things will get better, you did the hardest bit remember your survivor and not a victim.
Weve got a 5 year and 1 month age gap second baby was "a suprise".
I said I'd never had another baby because I was really sick in my pregnancy. There was no way I could be pregant and look after the child I already had. Well we managed it, didnt have a choice.
Honestly this age gap is perfect. She was only 5 when I had her little sister and she was an absolute god send when my hubby was at work, she still is. They play together lovley.
Can I jump on this and ask a legal question? I've moved jobs and were planning baby2... Not sure how long I have to work there before qualifying for paid mat leave.... Also - we have one who is nearly 2.5. she's out everything. I always wanted children and DH did too. She sleeps so well (although recently has only slept in bed with us) but up until age 2 slept 12hrs and 2hr nap in her own for. Amazing.
I doubt well get another who will be such an angel re sleep! Can't companion though as we've had it super easy with her.
Re baby no2.... They'll be about a 4year age gap presuming i get preggo at Xmas which is the plan. What do people think about that gap?
In hindsight I think a smaller gap.epuld have been better, similar toys/interests... Bit it's only really.now that I feel ready to consider anothet she's my baby!!! Plus I left a pretty toxic shit job a few months ago and I wasnt in a good place to even consider another baby.
For any legal people out there... How long do I need to be at new job before mat leave?! Tia xx
Statutory Maternity Pay (SMP)
(i) All staff members who have been continuously employed by the Board for 26 weeks at the
beginning of the 15th week before the expected week of confinement (ECW) are entitled to
statutory maternity pay, provided they earn the minimum amount specified by law (which
changes from time to time).
(ii) The rate of SMP is 90% of average weekly earnings for the first 6 weeks, followed by a rate
equivalent to the current rate of Statutory Sick Pay (which changes from time to time by law)
for a further period of up to 33 weeks. SMP is not payable before the employee has ceased
work because of pregnancy or after she has returned to work.
(iii) To qualify for the right to maternity pay, the employee must notify the line manage, in writing,
that she is pregnant and of the expected week of childbirth and produce the Mat B1 Certificate
signed by a doctor or registered midwife confirming the expected week of childbirth. The
employee must also by the 15th week (notification week) before the EWC, give, in writing, the date when she intends to take leave.
(iv) If you do not qualify for SMP, please request a form SMP1 from the HR Manger detailing the
reasons why. This should be taken to the local Jobcentre Plus Office as it is likely that you will
be entitled to either Maternity Allowance or Incapacity Benefit. For further details of any state
benefits, contact your local Jobcentre Plus or www.jobcentreplus.gov.uk.
Maternity Pay Period
The following applies both to school maternity pay and to SMP.
(i) Staff members can choose within limits when they wish their maternity pay period to begin. It
can begin at any time from the beginning of the 11th week before the ECW until the date the
child is born. It will begin automatically if the employee is absent from work because of her
pregnancy at any time after the beginning of the 4th week before the ECW (see 5.6 (iii) below).
(ii) Maternity pay will be paid monthly at the same time and in the same way as the normal salary.
I doubt well get another who will be such an angel re sleep! Can't companion though as we've had it super easy with her.
Re baby no2.... They'll be about a 4year age gap presuming i get preggo at Xmas which is the plan. What do people think about that gap?
In hindsight I think a smaller gap.epuld have been better, similar toys/interests... Bit it's only really.now that I feel ready to consider anothet she's my baby!!! Plus I left a pretty toxic shit job a few months ago and I wasnt in a good place to even consider another baby.
For any legal people out there... How long do I need to be at new job before mat leave?! Tia xx
Statutory Maternity Pay (SMP)
(i) All staff members who have been continuously employed by the Board for 26 weeks at the
beginning of the 15th week before the expected week of confinement (ECW) are entitled to
statutory maternity pay, provided they earn the minimum amount specified by law (which
changes from time to time).
(ii) The rate of SMP is 90% of average weekly earnings for the first 6 weeks, followed by a rate
equivalent to the current rate of Statutory Sick Pay (which changes from time to time by law)
for a further period of up to 33 weeks. SMP is not payable before the employee has ceased
work because of pregnancy or after she has returned to work.
(iii) To qualify for the right to maternity pay, the employee must notify the line manage, in writing,
that she is pregnant and of the expected week of childbirth and produce the Mat B1 Certificate
signed by a doctor or registered midwife confirming the expected week of childbirth. The
employee must also by the 15th week (notification week) before the EWC, give, in writing, the date when she intends to take leave.
(iv) If you do not qualify for SMP, please request a form SMP1 from the HR Manger detailing the
reasons why. This should be taken to the local Jobcentre Plus Office as it is likely that you will
be entitled to either Maternity Allowance or Incapacity Benefit. For further details of any state
benefits, contact your local Jobcentre Plus or www.jobcentreplus.gov.uk.
Maternity Pay Period
The following applies both to school maternity pay and to SMP.
(i) Staff members can choose within limits when they wish their maternity pay period to begin. It
can begin at any time from the beginning of the 11th week before the ECW until the date the
child is born. It will begin automatically if the employee is absent from work because of her
pregnancy at any time after the beginning of the 4th week before the ECW (see 5.6 (iii) below).
(ii) Maternity pay will be paid monthly at the same time and in the same way as the normal salary.
Thanks for this. I know that most people get SMP just trying to decipher the wordy info from work to se when I'd also qualify for their materniry package. X
chocolate choux
VIP Member
I understand to a degree. My daughter is still so young that I don’t have half the issues you’ve experienced (yet) but I worry about the future. The part about having to follow rules because of someone who drained the life out of you really hit home - I do think that abusers use children against their victims and find joy in still having some sense of control. I wish there were better protections for your son. I’ve seen in the news that parental alienation may soon be regarded as a form of abuse so that might be some hope?
My daughter hasn’t yet noticed that she doesn’t have/is supposed to have a dad or that our situation is different to her friends. I’m not sure how I’m going to explain anything to her in an age appropriate way when the questions do inevitably come. The facts just seem too much for a child to make sense of, even watered down. How can I tell her that her dad continued abusing me throughout pregnancy and even in front of her when she was a newborn? How can I explain that his family don’t want anything to do with her without that hurting? Doctors have suggested that she may be anxious and delayed as a result of the abuse - how am I supposed to tell her that her issues may be her dads fault?
The situation just breaks my heart because she doesn’t deserve this. My thoughts are with you and your son
I think you need you need to have been with the company 6 weeks or 6 months, not sure which, to qualify for maternity pay.
Personally, I find 4 year gap too big (I like small gaps lol but there are loads that like big gaps), they will get along and they will play together when the time comes, I bet the eldest will dote on them and the youngest will follow them everywhere and when they are adults, 4 years apart is nothing so I think it will be fine
Edit. 26 weeks in the above info that you posted. I think that's it. You must have been employed for at least 26 weeks? That's how I read it. Maybe someone else might know more?
Personally, I find 4 year gap too big (I like small gaps lol but there are loads that like big gaps), they will get along and they will play together when the time comes, I bet the eldest will dote on them and the youngest will follow them everywhere and when they are adults, 4 years apart is nothing so I think it will be fine
Edit. 26 weeks in the above info that you posted. I think that's it. You must have been employed for at least 26 weeks? That's how I read it. Maybe someone else might know more?
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chocolate choux
VIP Member
He has limited supervised contact, once every couple of months (he moved away and doesn’t like to ‘waste’ money visiting her).
Yes, it’s so hard to understand why anyone would stay with an abusive partner. Hindsight is perfect, I think at the time you just enter survival mode and that’s why you stay
Such a shame that you couldn’t press charges for coercive control, that law came in way too late. But good on you for managing to press charges
It sounds like you’re doing your best for your son. Writing letters and a blog sounds like a wonderful idea too
Thank you, I will try to have a look at any support available