Do you regret having/not having kids?

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I always knew I wanted kids but didn’t know when. I loved travelling. Going out whenever I liked. Popping to the shop for a pint of milk without a military operation!
I had my first son at 29, very unplanned. I had only been with my now husband a year. I’m glad it happened how it did because I reckon I would still be putting it off now. He is now 4 and we have a 6 month old. Going from 1 to 2 has been the biggest game changer. Family don’t seem to be interested in the second child.
I love my kids more than anything but sometimes feel like daily life can be monotonous and being a mother is a thankless task. It’s bloody hard work.
 
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I have 2 children, a 4 year old and a 2 month old. I love them so much and don't regret it, but being a parent is so hard. I sometimes find myself yearning for my old life of being able to come and go as I please and selfishly only thinking of myself. Some days I want to sit on my phone or watch mind numbing TV without having to get down on the floor and play with the toys that I spend hours cleaning up for my house to still look like a tit hole.

My youngest has health issues and I joke that if I had her first I wouldn't have had anymore. My mental health has suffered greatly both times but personally for me, the great times outweigh the bad.

As a woman we're constantly judged. If you don't want children you're considered heartless and strange and if you do have children you can't do right for doing wrong. Everyone has an opinion, you've just got to push all the bullshit to one side and do what's best for you.
 
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I have one and honestly, in hindsight I would have chosen to have kids later, if at all. My daughter was unplanned and I did intend to get an abortion - I went to the clinic to have the initial appointment and had a counselling session about it too. Then I had a threatened miscarriage and thought it wasn’t my decision to make. I had previously had a miscarriage and this evoked memories, I felt like it would be so cruel to abort if the fetus survived. Somehow she did so that was that

My daughters father was abusive and although I see my child as her own person, I share the regret that someone else said about being tied to a person like that for life. I read about other women who aborted because their partners were just kinda crappy and I wonder why I didn’t. It has made mentally moving on from the abuse harder

I also feel like I was too young. I got pregnant at 23, gave birth at 24. Not incredibly young but I feel like I still had a lot of growing up to do and should have experienced life more, got a career, prioritised myself. Practical things are harder now with a baby in tow - I don’t have a family to support me, and my ex’s family are too far away and do not want to be involved regardless. On top of this my daughter has allergies and possibly some additional needs (too young to be diagnosed but she’s delayed) so she’s not a straightforward child. Sometimes it feels like it takes superhuman strength to get through the day and do basic stuff, and although mentally I want to aim higher in life, it feels impossible at this stage

Also a massive factor that in hindsight would make me not want to have kids: I didn’t realise how much my anxiety would worsen. I worry about my daughter 24/7. A friend looked after her for under an hour the other day and I couldn’t relax because I was terrified of something going wrong. I know it’s normal to worry but I hate how it feels. It may be the postnatal depression talking but I don’t find the love outweighs the anxiety, it’s just such an awful feeling which I feel will never go away even when she’s an adult

I feel like having kids is a very personal decision made especially hard by the fact you don’t know what having kids is like until you have them, at which point you can’t send them back. I think you can imagine it in detail but until that is your real life you cannot know how you feel about it for sure. The only thing you can do about it is make sure you’ve considered all the facts and that if you choose to have children, you’re mentally, physically, emotionally, financially (etc) prepared for them
 
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It seems to be mainly ladies replying here, but as a man here. is my view. My wife and I don't have any children, and we don't feel bad/sad about it. Her nephews and nieces sometime stay with us and they are "fun", is that word apt here.

What annoys me is when they come over to stay their parents think they are doing us a favor by letting them stay with us. Sometimes I have to remind them that, were are perfectly capable of going to the park, movies, restaurants by ourselves, and we take the kids as it would be nice for them.
 
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I have a 4 yo 2 yo and 12 it is hard work dont get me wrong, but so worth it would never regret them! 🥰🥰🥰🥰
 
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To be honest I like having the little ones over, at my age over 50, the under 4's seem more like grandchildren than nephews and nieces. The best bit is when they come running to you for something when their dad is in the room. He tells them "Uncle John will be gone in a few days, who will help you then". BTW the latest nieces are twin girls 10 months old. They are fantastic.

The best thing about being an uncle is, you can hand them back at the end. ;)
 
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I was one of these little girls who fantasied about having children and I couldn’t wait to have them and for me it’s been the best experience.

I’ve always felt a bit overwhelmed by my husbands family and although I am a confident person it wasn’t until I had the children that I actually started standing up to them.
 
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I'm 24 and undecided. My younger sister had her first at 16 (now 3yo) and her second at 18(now 1yo). She still lives at home (I know, my parents not impressed!!) so I have seen first-hand what motherhood is like. I know I'm not ready yet but living in a house with 2 under 3 I'm not sure its for me. I love my freedom and I can see my sister wishing she had hers back.
 
Never regretted having kids but I sometimes wish I had made a bit more of my kid free time. Used to moan about being bored etc but now ide love a bit of free time for all the books/films/places/hobbies I want.
I can totally relate to this. You take it for granted when you have it only to pine for it when you don’t.

I love my children and am so grateful to have them, even though the reality of motherhood for me has been miles apart from what I’d ever imagined. I never thought for a second that I’d have children with additional needs, it just never entered my mind, though I suppose that’s not something you can foresee.

I think it was harder as my son regressed and went into his own little bubble. One minute it felt like he was just your average child developing typically and the next he had all these struggles and then words were being thrown around that I didn’t understand much about at the time, and me being pregnant again right in the middle of it all didn’t help. I have to admit, since then and the birth of my second child (who I also suspect has addditonal needs) my confidence has taken a nosedive and I’m riddled with anxiety. I have had to sacrifice my job (which I loved) to be there for them at all times.

I have often felt regret about having my second child (usually during times of great stress) and immediately felt awful for even thinking it because the truth is I’d be utterly bereft if anything happened to him, he’s such a beautiful wee soul. They both are.

I had so many people inundating me with offers to babysit when I was pregnant with my first. I never see any of these people now since we discovered he was autistic, and not once has anyone offered to take second child since he was born. Not once. I didn’t even have many visitors after he was born. We don’t really have a support system either as family live too far away to take them. I have just accepted it now and don’t rely on anyone but my husband. My children are very clingy to me and I think that’s why, they’re used to me being around all the time. It’s very isolating, but it is what it is.
 
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I can totally relate to this. You take it for granted when you have it only to pine for it when you don’t.

I love my children and am so grateful to have them, even though the reality of motherhood for me has been miles apart from what I’d ever imagined. I never thought for a second that I’d have children with additional needs, it just never entered my mind, though I suppose that’s not something you can foresee.

I think it was harder as my son regressed and went into his own little bubble. One minute it felt like he was just your average child developing typically and the next he had all these struggles and then words were being thrown around that I didn’t understand much about at the time, and me being pregnant again right in the middle of it all didn’t help. I have to admit, since then and the birth of my second child (who I also suspect has addditonal needs) my confidence has taken a nosedive and I’m riddled with anxiety. I have had to sacrifice my job (which I loved) to be there for them at all times.

I have often felt regret about having my second child (usually during times of great stress) and immediately felt awful for even thinking it because the truth is I’d be utterly bereft if anything happened to him, he’s such a beautiful wee soul. They both are.

I had so many people inundating me with offers to babysit when I was pregnant with my first. I never see any of these people now since we discovered he was autistic, and not once has anyone offered to take second child since he was born. Not once. I didn’t even have many visitors after he was born. We don’t really have a support system either as family live too far away to take them. I have just accepted it now and don’t rely on anyone but my husband. My children are very clingy to me and I think that’s why, they’re used to me being around all the time. It’s very isolating, but it is what it is.
That sounds really tough and I'm thinking of you ❤
You are not alone in having those moments of it all feeling totally relentless.
Although I know as soon as I'm retired with nothing to do I'll be back to moaning about being bored ha. X
 
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My daughters father was abusive and although I see my child as her own person, I share the regret that someone else said about being tied to a person like that for life. I read about other women who aborted because their partners were just kinda crappy and I wonder why I didn’t. It has made mentally moving on from the abuse harder
I think it was my post ... I know exactly how you feel. My son said yesterday I get to see daddy on my birthday and xmas day. And it literally breaks my heart as I hate the rules which I have to follow for my son because of someone who literally drained the life out of me.
It scares me that my son will one day turn his back on me or no longer love me because of things his 'dad' says to him.
He come back the last time he had a visit and said to me daddy said you punched him in the face.
Its things like this that scare me as I never did that and the fact that his telling a 6 year old this is wrong. I cant hide from my little boy what happened as he knows his dad hurt me as he witnessed it he even told my mum at the age of 2 daddy hurt mummy.
But I went to counselling to try and help and will always be honest with my son.
I will always worry about him as any mother does a child and this also doesn't help when I have no contact with his dad and only get information about what my son did through my son while he has him.
My son struggled with everything he witnessed etc and used to say things like he hated himself and used to try and hurt me.
My exs parents told him daddy was good so he used to copy his actions.
 
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I think it was my post ... I know exactly how you feel. My son said yesterday I get to see daddy on my birthday and xmas day. And it literally breaks my heart as I hate the rules which I have to follow for my son because of someone who literally drained the life out of me.
It scares me that my son will one day turn his back on me or no longer love me because of things his 'dad' says to him.
He come back the last time he had a visit and said to me daddy said you punched him in the face.
Its things like this that scare me as I never did that and the fact that his telling a 6 year old this is wrong. I cant hide from my little boy what happened as he knows his dad hurt me as he witnessed it he even told my mum at the age of 2 daddy hurt mummy.
But I went to counselling to try and help and will always be honest with my son.
I will always worry about him as any mother does a child and this also doesn't help when I have no contact with his dad and only get information about what my son did through my son while he has him.
My son struggled with everything he witnessed etc and used to say things like he hated himself and used to try and hurt me.
My exs parents told him daddy was good so he used to copy his actions.
I understand to a degree. My daughter is still so young that I don’t have half the issues you’ve experienced (yet) but I worry about the future. The part about having to follow rules because of someone who drained the life out of you really hit home - I do think that abusers use children against their victims and find joy in still having some sense of control. I wish there were better protections for your son. I’ve seen in the news that parental alienation may soon be regarded as a form of abuse so that might be some hope?

My daughter hasn’t yet noticed that she doesn’t have/is supposed to have a dad or that our situation is different to her friends. I’m not sure how I’m going to explain anything to her in an age appropriate way when the questions do inevitably come. The facts just seem too much for a child to make sense of, even watered down. How can I tell her that her dad continued abusing me throughout pregnancy and even in front of her when she was a newborn? How can I explain that his family don’t want anything to do with her without that hurting? Doctors have suggested that she may be anxious and delayed as a result of the abuse - how am I supposed to tell her that her issues may be her dads fault?

The situation just breaks my heart because she doesn’t deserve this. My thoughts are with you and your son
 
I understand to a degree. My daughter is still so young that I don’t have half the issues you’ve experienced (yet) but I worry about the future. The part about having to follow rules because of someone who

My daughter hasn’t yet noticed that she doesn’t have/is supposed to have a dad or that our situation is different to her friends. I’m not sure how I’m going to explain anything to her in an age appropriate way when the questions do inevitably come. The facts just seem too much for a child to make sense of, even watered down. How can I tell her that her dad continued abusing me throughout pregnancy and even in front of her when she was a newborn? How can I explain that
I can understand your worry... does your ex have contact atall?
I didnt find the courage to press charges against my ex until a while after as he was that controlling and emotionally abusive.
It is a shame that the law of coercive behaviour come in after. But its not until your out of an abusive relationship you see everything so clearly and wonder why you didnt stand up for yourself earlier.
Because my little boy witnessed quite alot of violence he has had therapy and support.
I have wrote him letters for when his older and I also write a blog to explain how I was feeling etc.
I have been honest with my son and said what daddy did was wrong etc. Children need to understand this and I have explained in an age appropriate way.
I would try and get yourself and your daughter some support I know when I did with my son I was fobbed off until he was school age.
Well done for findinng the courage to leave, things will get better, you did the hardest bit remember your survivor and not a victim.
 
I found it such a shock to the system when I had my son - I had no idea how hard it would be (even though people tell you!) There were many days I felt that I had ruined my life by becoming a mum. My son is 2 now and I find it much easier. I think some women really love the newborn stage but in all honesty I hated it.

I am now terrified of having another child as I found it so difficult first time around, but I feel ‘mean’ not giving my son a sibling as I am one of 3. Can anyone share their experience of being an only child? Is it such a bad thing?
 
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I only had one baby and regretted not having more of late, although she is now 32 and my grandchild is 10 . It looks like she is destined to be an only child too as are both her parents she has no cousins or aunties and uncles, ( luckily I have a large family so she has loads of extended family. ) Hindsight is a beautiful thing and if I could tell my 24 year old self go on blackjack have some more I truly would of had 5. Work life and distrust of people got in the way!
Ps @LittleB my daughter tells me she was lonely and wishes she had brothers and sisters like her friends, they are not babies long and I imagine things are easier second time around xx
 
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Very interesting thread thank you OP.
Well im 47 and never have and still don't want children. I do have that fear at times of what will i do when I'm old, but I've seen many people with adult kids that are lonely as they don't bother with their parents so there is no guarantees. Don't shoot me down as this is just my opinion, but i find kids extremely boring. I crave an adult conversation and can't do with any of the naughtiness that comes with kids like them doing opposite to what you ask. Im not an old hag that wants children to be seen and not heard, i just don't want them. Of course i like children and would walk over hot coals to help a child in danger. As a woman its odd how some people still think its "weird" to not enjoy being with children like you are a complete pyscho.
 
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No children here and no regrets. My husband didn't want any and I did get a bit broody when I was 30 + thought it's now or never. Thought about it and got a Mercedes Sports car instead 😂😂 4 Years later after 10yrs of marriage we split up, so glad it was an easy amicable split with no children to think about. Since then I've had 2 long term relationship with people who did have kids. Still no regrets. The *only* downside I'd say is , as an only child myself it'd be nice to have a close family support network. People to turn to, to lean on, to be there. Saying that though I do have great friends and I do know big families who don't really give a stuff about each other.
 
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Having kids for me has been such a roller coaster. I don't regret them at all, but I wish it had been easier and I wish a lot of things had been different.
 
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I can understand your worry... does your ex have contact atall?
I didnt find the courage to press charges against my ex until a while after as he was that controlling and emotionally abusive.
It is a shame that the law of coercive behaviour come in after. But its not until your out of an abusive relationship you see everything so clearly and wonder why you didnt stand up for yourself earlier.
Because my little boy witnessed quite alot of violence he has had therapy and support.
I have wrote him letters for when his older and I also write a blog to explain how I was feeling etc.
I have been honest with my son and said what daddy did was wrong etc. Children need to understand this and I have explained in an age appropriate way.
I would try and get yourself and your daughter some support I know when I did with my son I was fobbed off until he was school age.
Well done for findinng the courage to leave, things will get better, you did the hardest bit remember your survivor and not a victim.
He has limited supervised contact, once every couple of months (he moved away and doesn’t like to ‘waste’ money visiting her).

Yes, it’s so hard to understand why anyone would stay with an abusive partner. Hindsight is perfect, I think at the time you just enter survival mode and that’s why you stay
Such a shame that you couldn’t press charges for coercive control, that law came in way too late. But good on you for managing to press charges

It sounds like you’re doing your best for your son. Writing letters and a blog sounds like a wonderful idea too

Thank you, I will try to have a look at any support available