Do you regret having/not having kids?

[MoT]

It’s weird I’ve seen this thread. I don’t come on here often & I very rarely post. But this is something I’ve been thinking about over the last few months.
I have three kids, I had my first at 18 & my last at 22. Third wasn’t planned & we actually had a termination booked in, but we couldn’t go through with it.
I sometimes wish we had. It makes my heart hurt typing this. My third child is difficulT, my first two are a breeze. Third struggles with learning, temper, making friends & socialising, they are very immature for their age, they make every little thing 10 times harder than it should be & I don’t even think they are happy. They argue & fight with siblings constantly. I think there is more to it all but unfortunately we’ve struggled to get anyone to take us seriously as they can behave so nicely in front of others.
I have sleepless nights wondering if we made the wrong choice all those years ago. I struggle to see how they will live a ‘normal’ & happy life. & in very selfish terms I just think about how hard our life has been because of them & how much easier it would/could have been without them.
I love them, all of them & in some ways I love the third the most.
live is hard!!

 

[Noname12345]

Slightly off topic but did any of you feel ‘ready’ to have children? If you did, how did you know?

Erm, I feel broody about 2 years ago. I had this major need in me to have a baby. It's gone now, but I know I was ready back then.

I have to agree. Although I’ve mentioned our struggles before on this thread, I’m completely grateful to have my children during this time. It’s made me appreciate them more, and they’re a great distraction from it all. When I think back to my life pre kids and pre marriage, and picture myself in that position now during the pandemic, there is no way I would’ve coped being on my own for so long. My mental health would have plummeted by now.

My pets are a great distraction for me. I'm not comparing them to children, but they keep me entertained and force me to get out of bed.

 

[Literallyetcetc]

I am 30 getting married soon to long term boyfriend , I can’t have kids but even if I could I wouldnt want them. Yes we could adopt etc but we honestly love our life as it is. We like our freedom both with time and money.
We also like travelling and luckily we are both on the same page.

We have a niece that we adore - we both say we were put on earth to be auntie and uncle not mummy and daddy

 

[Cantstandspanj]

I’m 38. I’ve been with my husband for 10 years. We both agreed early on that we didn’t want to have children.

However that changed in my about 2 years ago. We had a baby last year and honestly I wish I’d done it sooner.

Now I don’t want her to be an only child. For many of the reasons mentioned in this thread but mostly incase anything happens to us and she’s on her own. But if we are to have another, given my age, we would need to do it fairly soon. However, I’m still traumatised by my last labour and financially we would need a bit more time to afford maternity leave again.

If I could do anything differently I’d have had my first child about two years earlier.

 

[HairyToes]

Having kids does not guarantee you won’t be alone later. Kids grow, get busy and have lives of their own. I worked in a retirement home and not very many kids bothered with their parents. Some are estranged or the kids died or just arent interested. I do not regret my choice not to have any.

 

[B192020]

A cousin once said to me ‘you will never regret having them but you might regret not having them’. it helped me make up my mind when I was unsure!
But saying that I can totally understand why some people don’t want to have kids at all.

 

[Flossy2019]

I have one and honestly, in hindsight I would have chosen to have kids later, if at all. My daughter was unplanned and I did intend to get an abortion - I went to the clinic to have the initial appointment and had a counselling session about it too. Then I had a threatened miscarriage and thought it wasn’t my decision to make. I had previously had a miscarriage and this evoked memories, I felt like it would be so cruel to abort if the fetus survived. Somehow she did so that was that

My daughters father was abusive and although I see my child as her own person, I share the regret that someone else said about being tied to a person like that for life. I read about other women who aborted because their partners were just kinda crappy and I wonder why I didn’t. It has made mentally moving on from the abuse harder

I also feel like I was too young. I got pregnant at 23, gave birth at 24. Not incredibly young but I feel like I still had a lot of growing up to do and should have experienced life more, got a career, prioritised myself. Practical things are harder now with a baby in tow - I don’t have a family to support me, and my ex’s family are too far away and do not want to be involved regardless. On top of this my daughter has allergies and possibly some additional needs (too young to be diagnosed but she’s delayed) so she’s not a straightforward child. Sometimes it feels like it takes superhuman strength to get through the day and do basic stuff, and although mentally I want to aim higher in life, it feels impossible at this stage

Also a massive factor that in hindsight would make me not want to have kids: I didn’t realise how much my anxiety would worsen. I worry about my daughter 24/7. A friend looked after her for under an hour the other day and I couldn’t relax because I was terrified of something going wrong. I know it’s normal to worry but I hate how it feels. It may be the postnatal depression talking but I don’t find the love outweighs the anxiety, it’s just such an awful feeling which I feel will never go away even when she’s an adult

I feel like having kids is a very personal decision made especially hard by the fact you don’t know what having kids is like until you have them, at which point you can’t send them back. I think you can imagine it in detail but until that is your real life you cannot know how you feel about it for sure. The only thing you can do about it is make sure you’ve considered all the facts and that if you choose to have children, you’re mentally, physically, emotionally, financially (etc) prepared for them

How old is your daughter ? I was similar to
You in terms of anxiety and leaving him with someone. At one point I didn’t even want to leave him with my boyfriend whilst I went out. Maybe it’s a control thing but I was just so anxious of something happening because my bf is very laid back. I hated leaving him with anyone but it eventually got easier. He’s one now and I still don’t really like leaving him with anyone but my fella( turned out he’s amazing dad or my mum anyone else I’m unsettled all day) but it did get easier. Hope it does for you

I don’t know how anyone can regret having kids. They are your kids. They are part of you and they depend on you and need you. Not forever your life isn’t over. They will move out and then you’ll be wishing they were back home messing their rooms up and fighting with their siblings. It is a big adjustment but I don’t believe it’s your life over when you have them. That’s just my opinion tho! I found my relationship struggled after having my son. I was putting our son first and me last and he wasn’t doing the same We are still together it’s been a rocky road and he finally learnt to sort his priorities out and I love my little family and couldn’t imagine life without them. I don’t think I’d have another tho I can’t afford

 

[bubbletea123]

A cousin once said to me ‘you will never regret having them but you might regret not having them’. it helped me make up my mind when I was unsure!
But saying that I can totally understand why some people don’t want to have kids at all.

That is the complete opposite of what I have read... many people do regret children but are afraid to admit it and that is more abundantly clear during covid.

If anything, I would rather not have kids than have them, regret it and then resent them. Any people I know who have never had kids never regretted it.

 

[muncher]

That is the complete opposite of what I have read... many people do regret children but are afraid to admit it and that is more abundantly clear during covid.

If anything, I would rather not have kids than have them, regret it and then resent them. Any people I know who have never had kids never regretted it.

People you know who didnt have kids and never regretted it may not be honest, I know several couples that decided they didnt want children, split up then one or both went on to have kids with new partners.

 

[tskiry56]

I think I replied in this thread before I have a 6 year old and he wasnt planned. In ways I dont regret having him but in other ways I do as it made me stay with an abuser.
My confidence was rock bottom and I never stood up for myself against my ex. He made out I was a rubbish mum and the emotional abuse made me stay with him.
In the end I found the courage to leave because of the physical abuse.
I know I never would of been with my ex if It wasnt for my son.
3 years later and I have met my new partner who was in relationship for 10 years and didnt want children.
I was scared he wouldn't want to be with me because of my son but he treats my son with so much love and respect.
My son even said he loved him the other day and it reaffirmed in my mind through all the rubbish I went to get to where I am today that I made the right decision.
My new partner said that in the last few years he changed his mind about having children. Ironically his ex who didnt want children is now living with someone with children too.
I don't know if I'll be lucky enough to have anymore children but what i do know is my son now has a better role model in his life and can now see how a male should treat a female.

 

[Titntat]

I've got two. My eldest is the most sensible, caring and loving child I've ever met.
My baby is like a feral dog, shes naughty but one of the most hilarious people I've ever met.
They are completely different end of the scale.
I love them both to bits, wouldnt change them for the world. Except maybe abit more sleep and me time

Theres absolutely nothing wrong with not wanting having children. People should be bothered what others think. On the other hand, people should mind their own business to why people dont have children!

 

[SassyShetland]

People you know who didnt have kids and never regretted it may not be honest, I know several couples that decided they didnt want children, split up then one or both went on to have kids with new partners.

Equally the people who say they don't regret having kids may not be honest, it's not easy to admit to bringing a life into this world which you regret. I only know of a few people who are honest enough to say it was a mistake.

Unfortunately people who are child free are often plagued by those who say they don't want kids when in reality they should say my situation isn't right now and I'm not sure I want children.

 

[BustySinclair]

I am 30 getting married soon to long term boyfriend , I can’t have kids but even if I could I wouldnt want them. Yes we could adopt etc but we honestly love our life as it is. We like our freedom both with time and money.
We also like travelling and luckily we are both on the same page.

We have a niece that we adore - we both say we were put on earth to be auntie and uncle not mummy and daddy

This gives me hope before lockdown I was close to getting a diagnosis on my fertility. I’ve always wanted kids but may not be able to - I’ve heard adoption is a really difficult process and I don’t think we’ll be able to afford IVF. Going to try to embrace the child free life.

 

[Cantstandspanj]

I’m 38. I’ve been with my husband for 10 years. We both agreed early on that we didn’t want to have children.

However that changed in my about 2 years ago. We had a baby last year and honestly I wish I’d done it sooner.

Now I don’t want her to be an only child. For many of the reasons mentioned in this thread but mostly incase anything happens to us and she’s on her own. But if we are to have another, given my age, we would need to do it fairly soon. However, I’m still traumatised by my last labour and financially we would need a bit more time to afford maternity leave again.

If I could do anything differently I’d have had my first child about two years earlier.

Something just occurred to me to add to this. When I didn’t want kids and vocalised this some people were so opinionated on it and it really annoyed me. But the worst comment was someone who applauded me on my bravery to admit that I didn’t want kids.

I believe it’s a very person choice and no one should be judged for their decision!

 

[Abcd123]

Can I jump on this and ask a legal question? I've moved jobs and were planning baby2... Not sure how long I have to work there before qualifying for paid mat leave.... Also - we have one who is nearly 2.5. she's out everything. I always wanted children and DH did too. She sleeps so well (although recently has only slept in bed with us) but up until age 2 slept 12hrs and 2hr nap in her own for. Amazing.

I doubt well get another who will be such an angel re sleep! Can't companion though as we've had it super easy with her.

Re baby no2.... They'll be about a 4year age gap presuming i get preggo at Xmas which is the plan. What do people think about that gap?

In hindsight I think a smaller gap.epuld have been better, similar toys/interests... Bit it's only really.now that I feel ready to consider anothet she's my baby!!! Plus I left a pretty toxic tit job a few months ago and I wasnt in a good place to even consider another baby.

For any legal people out there... How long do I need to be at new job before mat leave?! Tia xx

Statutory Maternity Pay (SMP)
(i) All staff members who have been continuously employed by the Board for 26 weeks at the
beginning of the 15th week before the expected week of confinement (ECW) are entitled to
statutory maternity pay, provided they earn the minimum amount specified by law (which
changes from time to time).
(ii) The rate of SMP is 90% of average weekly earnings for the first 6 weeks, followed by a rate
equivalent to the current rate of Statutory Sick Pay (which changes from time to time by law)
for a further period of up to 33 weeks. SMP is not payable before the employee has ceased
work because of pregnancy or after she has returned to work.
(iii) To qualify for the right to maternity pay, the employee must notify the line manage, in writing,
that she is pregnant and of the expected week of childbirth and produce the Mat B1 Certificate
signed by a doctor or registered midwife confirming the expected week of childbirth. The
employee must also by the 15th week (notification week) before the EWC, give, in writing, the date when she intends to take leave.
(iv) If you do not qualify for SMP, please request a form SMP1 from the HR Manger detailing the
reasons why. This should be taken to the local Jobcentre Plus Office as it is likely that you will
be entitled to either Maternity Allowance or Incapacity Benefit. For further details of any state
benefits, contact your local Jobcentre Plus or www.jobcentreplus.gov.uk.
Maternity Pay Period
The following applies both to school maternity pay and to SMP.
(i) Staff members can choose within limits when they wish their maternity pay period to begin. It
can begin at any time from the beginning of the 11th week before the ECW until the date the
child is born. It will begin automatically if the employee is absent from work because of her
pregnancy at any time after the beginning of the 4th week before the ECW (see 5.6 (iii) below).
(ii) Maternity pay will be paid monthly at the same time and in the same way as the normal salary.

 

[Blondie]

I think you need you need to have been with the company 6 weeks or 6 months, not sure which, to qualify for maternity pay.
Personally, I find 4 year gap too big (I like small gaps lol but there are loads that like big gaps), they will get along and they will play together when the time comes, I bet the eldest will dote on them and the youngest will follow them everywhere and when they are adults, 4 years apart is nothing so I think it will be fine

Edit. 26 weeks in the above info that you posted. I think that's it. You must have been employed for at least 26 weeks? That's how I read it. Maybe someone else might know more?

 

[tskiry56]

I think you need you need to have been with the company 6 weeks or 6 months, not sure which, to qualify for maternity pay.
Personally, I find 4 year gap too big (I like small gaps lol but there are loads that like big gaps), they will get along and they will play together when the time comes, I bet the eldest will dote on them and the youngest will follow them everywhere and when they are adults, 4 years apart is nothing so I think it will be fine

I dont think any of us can judge or question age gaps for children I have a 6 year old and wish I had another child too. Put personal circumstances mean I never had another child and I'm glad I never as my childs dad is not a nice person. If I'm lucky enough to have a child in the future there will be an age gap of at least 7 years.

I myself am a twin but have an older brother and sister and the age gap is 8 years. We all get on great.

I think all children get on each on better when they are adults... me and my twin used to argue alot but now ask why we ever did because you realise how lucky you are to have siblings to share life with.

 

[Jennyie]

I was 24 when I met my now husband (he is 13 years older)
I hadn’t even considered marriage or kids and didn’t for a long time after meeting him. I moved in with him after 18 months and 5 years later we married. It just sort of happened and we have been married nearly 10 years. The years passed by and we developed a lovely, happy, contented life etc. We love to travel and we have always had dogs too, our lives are centred around them, in essence they are our children. I am approaching 40 and have never felt the urge to become a Mum, I have found pleasure and love in many many other ways. My twin sister has a toddler, my best friends have chiidren and I find joy and love in being close to them too. I certainly have no regrets not having children.

I'm mid 40's and my husband and I decided that we didn't want to have children pretty early on in our marriage (now married 15 years). We have never regretted it and I think it's unlikely we ever will. We have no real rock solid reason for not wanting to start a family. From my own personal perspective there was a lot of issues in my home as a child. This is probably an underlining factor. I'll tell you what my the main regret for me is regarding having children - other people. People who assume we don't like children despite both adoring them. Friends making us feel inferior because of it. I've heard the comment "you haven't got children you don't understand". It's quite hurtful because I don't have children but I do have a heart. Same with money. Friends always suggesting we have soooooooo much money and can do whatever we want!! And the real icing on the cake is my in laws. Who after the arrival of their first grandchild (my husbands sibling) proceeded to freeze out of things including family get togethers and family holidays as "well, we thought you wouldn't want to be around the children". Makes me well up now as it's effectively destroyed our relationship with them.

I also resent the fact people think I dislike children because I chose not to have them. It also too a LONG time for people to stop asking when we were ‘having kids’ after we go married. After nearly ten years I think they’ve got bored of asking.

 

[bubbletea123]

People you know who didnt have kids and never regretted it may not be honest, I know several couples that decided they didnt want children, split up then one or both went on to have kids with new partners.

They're living their best lives with second holiday homes, vacationing when they want, having a double income and spending it on what they want. They seem very content and in fact have discussed that lockdown has reaffirmed their decision to not have children.

 

[Abcd123]

I've already said that I don't regret having children on here but ive found during this hard time in lockdown its made me even more grateful to have them. I've enjoyed their company even more. Im so glad I have them. In everyday life we live a busy life and its been nice not having to run around constantly. I do work term time only though so used to having holidays off with them but usually we would be out and about.

I feel like this. I'm loving my time with my 2YO. She makes me laugh every day and she's is so affectionate. It helps that daddy is off work and here too. During mat leave and when I was working part time I had a lot less patience with her whereas in enjoying her more now.

Those going from 1-2 kids what changed? How did you cope financially? Xx