I'm mid 40's and my husband and I decided that we didn't want to have children pretty early on in our marriage (now married 15 years). We have never regretted it and I think it's unlikely we ever will. We have no real rock solid reason for not wanting to start a family. From my own personal perspective there was a lot of issues in my home as a child. This is probably an underlining factor. I'll tell you what my the main regret for me is regarding having children - other people. People who assume we don't like children despite both adoring them. Friends making us feel inferior because of it. I've heard the comment "you haven't got children you don't understand". It's quite hurtful because I don't have children but I do have a heart. Same with money. Friends always suggesting we have soooooooo much money and can do whatever we want!! And the real icing on the cake is my in laws. Who after the arrival of their first grandchild (my husbands sibling) proceeded to freeze out of things including family get togethers and family holidays as "well, we thought you wouldn't want to be around the children". Makes me well up now as it's effectively destroyed our relationship with them.
- Notice
GossipMongoose
VIP Member
I have children, one of whom has a long term condition which has changed our lives forever and unfortunately also comes with some challenging behaviour. ‘Child’ is now a young adult and we are exhausted by it. My mental health is fragile and my marriage (to child’s father) has been through hell and high water, I don’t know how we are still standing. It is relentless. I love my children but honestly, if I had my time again, I don’t think I’d be a mother. It has taken every last piece of my soul.
My husband and I were both not interested in having kids. I have never been overly maternal and I am a realist about how I would manage or not manage without sleep and how we would juggle looking after children when we both didn’t really want them anyway. I don’t understand the people who say you will end up sad and lonely - what a terrible reason to have a child out of fear of loneliness? If I want company I go hang out with my friends not my parents. I have a dog who I love but when she was a puppy even that was a handful enough for me so I know my limitations. We do see a lot of marriages under strain when kids are added to the mix it just completely changes the dynamic. For us personally we didn’t want to have kids just because we got married. Some couples we know always seem to be happiest when the kids are not there and are always wanting kid free time - we just didn’t see that it was something for us. When we would see “Sunday morning Dad” at 10am out getting the coffees and papers ( mums sleeping in) with the kids in tow and looking frazzled, or patents trying to pack the car up arguing with prams and toys and kids we just didn’t want to go there. I’m talking a lot in past tense as sadly I lost my husband almost a year ago now. I miss him terribly and loved him so deeply, it’s painful. But I don’t now wish I had kids for one moment. If I had I would now be bringing them up on my own and I couldn’t ever manage that. Just my views I know there are a lot of happy, wonderful marriages and partnerships that flourish with children and that makes me happy, we just knew that the societal norm and pressure to have kids was not something for us.
LaurieLaurie
VIP Member
I’ve had the best of both worlds.
I fell pregnant at 18, gave birth at 19 and I am about to turn 30. My daughter is off to secondary school in September and my life feels easy, she’s always been a dream child. I got to concentrate on her during my 20s and as she’s got older I’ve been able to think about myself and my own life more. My 30s will be spent catching up on all the things I put to one side.
I fell pregnant at 18, gave birth at 19 and I am about to turn 30. My daughter is off to secondary school in September and my life feels easy, she’s always been a dream child. I got to concentrate on her during my 20s and as she’s got older I’ve been able to think about myself and my own life more. My 30s will be spent catching up on all the things I put to one side.
Lemons91
Well-known member
I have a young daughter (2next month) and I love her dearly but since she’s been born she’s been the most miserable kid I or even my parents have ever met. They say you should cherish the time with them while they’re young but I honestly hate it. For the first year I had PND and my mental health has never been the same. As much as I love her I do regret becoming a mum
Maxine1974
Well-known member
I won’t go into long and deep reasons but if I could go back in time I would never have had my children. I know a few people I have spoken to over the years have agreed they felt the same but very few will admit this.
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It seems to be mainly ladies replying here, but as a man here. is my view. My wife and I don't have any children, and we don't feel bad/sad about it. Her nephews and nieces sometime stay with us and they are "fun", is that word apt here.
What annoys me is when they come over to stay their parents think they are doing us a favor by letting them stay with us. Sometimes I have to remind them that, were are perfectly capable of going to the park, movies, restaurants by ourselves, and we take the kids as it would be nice for them.
What annoys me is when they come over to stay their parents think they are doing us a favor by letting them stay with us. Sometimes I have to remind them that, were are perfectly capable of going to the park, movies, restaurants by ourselves, and we take the kids as it would be nice for them.
nini-vin-floofsberg
New member
My son turned 2 last week. He is honestly fantastic and I love him beyond words, but my god the realism of a child hits like a tonne of bricks. He was very much an 'unplanned' baby (contraceptive pill and Crohn's disease...yikes).
I was 28 at the time, and it never really hit me that pregnancy actually leads to a baby. That sounds stupid but I hope someone understands what I mean. 9 months of being fussed over, being offered a seat on the train to work, eating whatever and whenever you please. Then one day it's over and you're left with a huge flabby belly, maternity pads coming out of your ears and a screaming purple babe who suddenly depends on you for survival.
His first 2 months of life were stressful and exhausting due to allergies which took for him to be hospitalised for 2 weeks to find. I was trying to breastfeed and convinced myself that my partner would be disgusted if I stopped. I've never suffered from any sort of mental health or anxiety issue before, and then before I knew it, I was being prescribed antidepressants and arranging counselling sessions.
I think part of the shock for me is that people only ever tell you the good things. The lovely cute little baby. The smiles, the giggles, the first steps. It's not often you hear someone actually say that some days are absolutely fu*king sh*t. There are days which feel like they go on for months (more often than not).
I don't regret having my boy, but my God, I wish there was more honesty surrounding it.
I was 28 at the time, and it never really hit me that pregnancy actually leads to a baby. That sounds stupid but I hope someone understands what I mean. 9 months of being fussed over, being offered a seat on the train to work, eating whatever and whenever you please. Then one day it's over and you're left with a huge flabby belly, maternity pads coming out of your ears and a screaming purple babe who suddenly depends on you for survival.
His first 2 months of life were stressful and exhausting due to allergies which took for him to be hospitalised for 2 weeks to find. I was trying to breastfeed and convinced myself that my partner would be disgusted if I stopped. I've never suffered from any sort of mental health or anxiety issue before, and then before I knew it, I was being prescribed antidepressants and arranging counselling sessions.
I think part of the shock for me is that people only ever tell you the good things. The lovely cute little baby. The smiles, the giggles, the first steps. It's not often you hear someone actually say that some days are absolutely fu*king sh*t. There are days which feel like they go on for months (more often than not).
I don't regret having my boy, but my God, I wish there was more honesty surrounding it.
Roarquaver
Active member
Never regretted having kids but I sometimes wish I had made a bit more of my kid free time. Used to moan about being bored etc but now ide love a bit of free time for all the books/films/places/hobbies I want.
Greygardener
Chatty Member
I love my kids to pieces, they are my life. But if I could wave a magic wand and have the exact same children, just 5 years later than I did, I'd do it in a heartbeat.
I dont think theres anything wrong with not wanting kids.
I dont think theres anything wrong with not wanting kids.
Dexterina12
Well-known member
I've got a 3 year old son and I can honestly say NEVER AGAIN!! I always fantasised about having 3-4 kids but it really is not for me. The lack of sleep, teething, nappies, tantrums and not being able to live with any kind of freedom really took its toll on my mental health. I love him more than anything and I'm glad hes here but I will never have another child! Some women take very naturally to it and some dont so i think you need to be very sure that you want to do it.
Satisfying Click
VIP Member
I'm at the age where my fertility is on a downward trend, but I don't have any panics or pangs.
My husband and I have lots of reasons for not having children, but I've never been able to pin-point one thing. For me, it's the physical and mental toll that pregnancy, birth and the early years take. The relentless drudgery. The worry about their future [the declining environment, the cost of education, the likelihood of zero-hour contracts/never owning their own property]. The effect on our relationship.
We were once at a stage where we thought about trying a couple of years ago - I bought pre-conception vitamins, ovulation sticks. And all that happened is that I woke up in a blind panic each day thinking we were making a big mistake. Once I threw all the paraphernalia out, it was like a huge weight lifted and that nervous pit in my stomach disappeared.
I guess what it boils down to is that I don't want my life to change in the way that a child changes it. Out of friends who have had children, the ones who have struggled the most have been the ones who proclaimed, "Having a baby isn't going to change anything!" Okay, Jan. I've worked hard for my financial stability, my mental health, a good relationship, so in that way, no, I don't have any regrets.
Having a baby because you worry about regretting if you don't - it is a huge gamble. I'd rather regret not having them, than regret having them.
My husband and I have lots of reasons for not having children, but I've never been able to pin-point one thing. For me, it's the physical and mental toll that pregnancy, birth and the early years take. The relentless drudgery. The worry about their future [the declining environment, the cost of education, the likelihood of zero-hour contracts/never owning their own property]. The effect on our relationship.
We were once at a stage where we thought about trying a couple of years ago - I bought pre-conception vitamins, ovulation sticks. And all that happened is that I woke up in a blind panic each day thinking we were making a big mistake. Once I threw all the paraphernalia out, it was like a huge weight lifted and that nervous pit in my stomach disappeared.
I guess what it boils down to is that I don't want my life to change in the way that a child changes it. Out of friends who have had children, the ones who have struggled the most have been the ones who proclaimed, "Having a baby isn't going to change anything!" Okay, Jan. I've worked hard for my financial stability, my mental health, a good relationship, so in that way, no, I don't have any regrets.
Having a baby because you worry about regretting if you don't - it is a huge gamble. I'd rather regret not having them, than regret having them.
SassyShetland
Member
My partner and I are very much in the wanting to be Child Free camp. I've never been maternal, never been interested in children at all. I've watched as my friends have had them and seen their lives flip upside down, it's only confirmed my stance to me.
A good friend and former boss and I were talking about it once, he has two grown up children, and he told me you'll regret it either way. If you have them you'll have days you wished you didn't, if you don't you'll have days you wish you did.
I just know I'd much rather be sat with the regret of not having them, consoling myself with a guilt free hangover/lie-in/spending spree. Than resenting a child who's here because of us. I have lots of pets who I adore and we both have our own hobbies which are expensive and time consuming which I can never see either of us giving up. We check in on it every few years, make sure we're still on the same page. So far, so good, I can't see it changing ever.
A good friend and former boss and I were talking about it once, he has two grown up children, and he told me you'll regret it either way. If you have them you'll have days you wished you didn't, if you don't you'll have days you wish you did.
I just know I'd much rather be sat with the regret of not having them, consoling myself with a guilt free hangover/lie-in/spending spree. Than resenting a child who's here because of us. I have lots of pets who I adore and we both have our own hobbies which are expensive and time consuming which I can never see either of us giving up. We check in on it every few years, make sure we're still on the same page. So far, so good, I can't see it changing ever.
bubbletea123
VIP Member
That is the complete opposite of what I have read... many people do regret children but are afraid to admit it and that is more abundantly clear during covid.
If anything, I would rather not have kids than have them, regret it and then resent them. Any people I know who have never had kids never regretted it.
Sorry for your loss.
Sorry to hear that. Just makes you realise reading this that all the perfect insta parenthood is a load of rubbish. X
bubbletea123
VIP Member
This whole covid situation has confirmed that we are glad we have not had children. We couldn't imagine trying to work from home while also having to teach/entertain kids. From speaking to our friends, it sounds difficult and like a nightmare.
Saywhatyouwant
Member
Loved reading these replies. I’m 32 and a teacher. Often wondered if I would change my mind about wanting children but nope. I love my freedom and independence. Also more grateful during this lockdown that I don’t have kids! Spoken to a lot of parents over lockdown who are pulling their hair out meanwhile I’m chilling on my sofa watching crap tv! Sorry. Personal choice!
Dexy
VIP Member
I was never maternal and had no interest in children at all. Had a fab time during my twenties, did lots of holidays and basically did as I pleased. Met my husband at 27 and married at 30 and I was quiet clear to him that I may never change my mind and ‘ I had to be enough ‘ which he said I was.
We didn’t really talk about them again and I definitely wasn’t feeling broody at all. Then a colleague at work got pregnant and it made me realise at 33 I needed to decide for sure. Husband said ‘ let’s just see what happens.’ If it happened great if it didn’t we were happy as we were. I got pregnant almost instantly and I remember my husband saying ‘ you ok ?’ Like waiting for my reaction. I was so worried that broodiness or maternal instinct would not kick in. Of course it did and our little boy is our world. It’s funny because I still don’t really like other people’s children much, just my own lol. I am so glad I went for it as I think I would’ve had regrets.
We didn’t really talk about them again and I definitely wasn’t feeling broody at all. Then a colleague at work got pregnant and it made me realise at 33 I needed to decide for sure. Husband said ‘ let’s just see what happens.’ If it happened great if it didn’t we were happy as we were. I got pregnant almost instantly and I remember my husband saying ‘ you ok ?’ Like waiting for my reaction. I was so worried that broodiness or maternal instinct would not kick in. Of course it did and our little boy is our world. It’s funny because I still don’t really like other people’s children much, just my own lol. I am so glad I went for it as I think I would’ve had regrets.
JustNosey111
New member
My son is 4 with additional needs, his dad (my husband) left when he was 2 because he was “making him depressed”. For a while after I’d have these overwhelming feelings of just hating being a mum. I love my child but he is really hard work. It took me a while to realise that it wasn’t being a mum I couldn’t cope with, its being a SINGLE mum. I’m still single now and it really upsets me all the time that I don’t have the family unit that I always wanted, I feel like I’ve failed my son. I don’t regret being a mum I just regret how it all happened I suppose. Sorry for the ramble!