Do you regret having/not having kids?

[Sammysox10]

I was never maternal and had no interest in children at all. Had a fab time during my twenties, did lots of holidays and basically did as I pleased. Met my husband at 27 and married at 30 and I was quiet clear to him that I may never change my mind and ‘ I had to be enough ‘ which he said I was.
We didn’t really talk about them again and I definitely wasn’t feeling broody at all. Then a colleague at work got pregnant and it made me realise at 33 I needed to decide for sure. Husband said ‘ let’s just see what happens.’ If it happened great if it didn’t we were happy as we were. I got pregnant almost instantly and I remember my husband saying ‘ you ok ?’ Like waiting for my reaction. I was so worried that broodiness or maternal instinct would not kick in. Of course it did and our little boy is our world. It’s funny because I still don’t really like other people’s children much, just my own lol. I am so glad I went for it as I think I would’ve had regrets.

I could of written this post! Never wanted kids not enough to go through IVF etc if we didn’t conceive naturally. Had the most horrendous HG through out my pregnancy and struggled mentally after my little boy was born but now couldn’t imagine life without him however still don’t like other people’s kids

 

[JoeBloggs]

Very interesting thread thank you OP.
Well im 47 and never have and still don't want children. I do have that fear at times of what will i do when I'm old, but I've seen many people with adult kids that are lonely as they don't bother with their parents so there is no guarantees. Don't shoot me down as this is just my opinion, but i find kids extremely boring. I crave an adult conversation and can't do with any of the naughtiness that comes with kids like them doing opposite to what you ask. Im not an old hag that wants children to be seen and not heard, i just don't want them. Of course i like children and would walk over hot coals to help a child in danger. As a woman its odd how some people still think its "weird" to not enjoy being with children like you are a complete pyscho.

I’m only child, so is my friend. While it gave me a very comfortable upbringing and in turn a good adulthood (I work for my dad), There were times it was very lonely. Holidays especially. I never wanted my child to be the only one so we had 2 and possibly will have another.

thank you to everyone for your input. The variety of lives and thoughts has been fascinating.

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

We don’t have kids and I don’t really want any. I love children but don’t feel the NEED.
However your friend can always change her mind. Even after menopause! People seem to think only biological children count but you can adopt and foster.
I always thought if things change for me that’s what I will do. Also would adopt and older child as they are the ones always overlooked.

 

[bubbletea123]

I found it such a shock to the system when I had my son - I had no idea how hard it would be (even though people tell you!) There were many days I felt that I had ruined my life by becoming a mum. My son is 2 now and I find it much easier. I think some women really love the newborn stage but in all honesty I hated it.

I am now terrified of having another child as I found it so difficult first time around, but I feel ‘mean’ not giving my son a sibling as I am one of 3. Can anyone share their experience of being an only child? Is it such a bad thing?

I am an only child and was very happy. I was never lonely, could amuse myself and my mum could give me the attention I needed to bond.

 

[Everdene]

My husband and I don't want kids and aren't bothered by it. We freelance on the computer and hop countries every few months working, exploring and doing charity work. We are in love with our lives, want for nothing and feel complete.

Oddly enough it's (usually unhappy) family members that keep nagging us when we are going to "build a life" or pass on the family name. Like we are wasting away following our personal dreams and not sticking to their grocery list of life goals. Most are supportive though. Don't know how it will be in 10 years when we will be starting to pass the reproductive age.

Maybe if you don't feel the instinct it's better not to. If you're afraid of being lonely it might be better to invest in friendships. I personally don't really know anyone that absolutely loves to spend a bunch of time with their parents over their friends.

 

[bubbletea123]

My husband and I don't want kids and aren't bothered by it. We freelance on the computer and hop countries every few months working, exploring and doing charity work. We are in love with our lives, want for nothing and feel complete.

Oddly enough it's (usually unhappy) family members that keep nagging us when we are going to "build a life" or pass on the family name. Like we are wasting away following our personal dreams and not sticking to their grocery list of life goals. Most are supportive though. Don't know how it will be in 10 years when we will be starting to pass the reproductive age.

Maybe if you don't feel the instinct it's better not to. If you're afraid of being lonely it might be better to invest in friendships. I personally don't really know anyone that absolutely loves to spend a bunch of time with their parents over their friends.

I often find it is people with children (who are unhappy) that badger us about having children...misery loves company I guess.

 

[Jedoc]

I have 3 children,in hindsight should have stopped at 2 for financial and sanity reasons but we will manage and would never regret them.
I find the OP so interesting because my OH and I are both only children too and always say the greatest gift we have given our children is a sibling,we were both so loney as children and sometimes now too it would be great to have a brother or sister to rely on. But obviously everyone is different and can do whatever they want with their own lives

 

[Noname12345]

We don't have kids, but we've been talking about children since we got together. Initially, I wanted children and my OH didn't have an opinion, he was indifferent. In the past 6-12 months, he's changed his mind and he wants kids. Meanwhile, I have got to the point where I'm not fussed either way. If he wants to have kids, we'll try but he'll have to be an active parent. If he changes his mind again, then we won't.

 

[Hepaticus]

I have children, one of whom has a long term condition which has changed our lives forever and unfortunately also comes with some challenging behaviour. ‘Child’ is now a young adult and we are exhausted by it. My mental health is fragile and my marriage (to child’s father) has been through hell and high water, I don’t know how we are still standing. It is relentless. I love my children but honestly, if I had my time again, I don’t think I’d be a mother. It has taken every last piece of my soul.

I can feel that in these few sentences
Do you get any external support? Reading your story I immediately thought about peer support- if there are local peer supporters local to you there might be one who has a similar background to you who you could really talk to and have that shared experience.

It’s very moving hearing that it’s taken every piece of your soul. We applaud strength and a parent’s love, but sometimes that makes it harder for people to talk about the darkness and despair too.

 

[Blondie]

I regret not having my children closer in age but my partner didn't want that

 

[LittleB]

I regret not having my children closer in age but my partner didn't want that

How big is the age gap?

 

[Blondie]

I feel pretty embarrassed saying this because i know this is probably small to some people.
The age gap is 3 years between them.

 

[GossipMongoose]

I can feel that in these few sentences
Do you get any external support? Reading your story I immediately thought about peer support- if there are local peer supporters local to you there might be one who has a similar background to you who you could really talk to and have that shared experience.

It’s very moving hearing that it’s taken every piece of your soul. We applaud strength and a parent’s love, but sometimes that makes it harder for people to talk about the darkness and despair too.

Peer support, not really no. The groups I’ve seen have been for families with younger children or for children with very different needs to mine. My ‘child’ is actually a young adult and so we’ve been dealing with this for a long time. To be honest, peer support or groups feel bit too little, too late. Plus a massive part of me worries that if I open the box and start talking about the stuff I have been suppressing in order to cope on a day to day basis, I may drown in the overwhelmingness of it all and have a full on breakdown and/or walk away from it all. So the box stays closed. Apologies if that’s too bleak for a Saturday night. It‘s one of the reasons I come on tattle, for a bit of daft gossipy escape.

 

[Hepaticus]

Peer support, not really no. The groups I’ve seen have been for families with younger children or for children with very different needs to mine. My ‘child’ is actually a young adult and so we’ve been dealing with this for a long time. To be honest, peer support or groups feel bit too little, too late. Plus a massive part of me worries that if I open the box and start talking about the stuff I have been suppressing in order to cope on a day to day basis, I may drown in the overwhelmingness of it all and have a full on breakdown and/or walk away from it all. So the box stays closed. Apologies if that’s too bleak for a Saturday night. It‘s one of the reasons I come on tattle, for a bit of daft gossipy escape.

Not too bleak at all. I understand
Where better place to be for plenty of daftness than tattle? A few minutes browsing and you can find it all, from the future king’s wang to celebs shoving everything but the kitchen sink up their bottoms

I feel pretty embarrassed saying this because i know this is probably small to some people.
The age gap is 3 years between them.

Those three years can feel pretty big, especially at certain ages. And perhaps more so when the children aren’t the same sex.

 

[Lizzie Mintdrop]

I turned 40 last year, been with my partner for 12 years. The desire to have a child never came, I can't see that changing. You can only live for now, there is no point having a child because you may regret not having one in the future. A child has a right to be wanted, rather than being a security blanket to protect against future loneliness. It would be heartless to have a child for any other reason than wanting to be the best parent you can be and provide love, comfort, sustenance and happiness to the child's life.

 

[Tree_]

I don't regret my kids. They're genuinely my world and make me so happy. A very tiny but is though I do miss the old me sometimes just upping and going out at a moment's notice. Hot summer's days in beer gardens. But they're tiny passing things. Totally got a lot of respect for people who decide not to have kids though. Got to live your life how you choose rather than living with regrets.

 

[nobrains]

I always wanted kids and thought I wanted 2-3. But I have an 18 month old and 3 weeks ago on a family walk,I just felt really content looking at the family that we have got. I said to my husband that I'm not bothered about having anymore and he feels the same. We have found our feet financially having 1 and couldn't imagine a second one in the mix,getting by when on maternity pay and having to buy stuff for two children. I feel a little bit conflicted because I don't want him to be lonely or on his own when we both die one day but by then he will have made a life of his own. We rely on grandparents to help and I wouldnt want to have to ask them to look after two children.

I do miss some aspect of child free life,like being able to do what I want when I want. I had more money too,but then I worked full time and didn't get chance to spend it,now I work part time and have less money but seem to being living more rather than just working. Swings and roundabouts.

I love my lb so much I could never imagine life without him now.

 

[LittleB]

I always wanted kids and thought I wanted 2-3. But I have an 18 month old and 3 weeks ago on a family walk,I just felt really content looking at the family that we have got. I said to my husband that I'm not bothered about having anymore and he feels the same. We have found our feet financially having 1 and couldn't imagine a second one in the mix,getting by when on maternity pay and having to buy stuff for two children. I feel a little bit conflicted because I don't want him to be lonely or on his own when we both die one day but by then he will have made a life of his own. We rely on grandparents to help and I wouldnt want to have to ask them to look after two children.

I do miss some aspect of child free life,like being able to do what I want when I want. I had more money too,but then I worked full time and didn't get chance to spend it,now I work part time and have less money but seem to being living more rather than just working. Swings and roundabouts.

I love my lb so much I could never imagine life without him now.

I feel exactly the same, my son is 2 and I feel in a really good place with our family the way it is. I don’t feel any urge to have another baby but I don’t want my son to grow up without a sibling. I think we are going to go for it.

 

[Opalfruit8]

I don’t have kids yet but I also don’t know if I want them. I love my life as it is and in the next four years ill have paid off my flat entirely. Then I can travel.
Kids may bring joy but right now life is too rich and I’m too selfish lol

 

[GiftedNotFree]

Thank you to everyone that has replied so far and for being so honest - very interesting.

I had an abortion at 19 and it was the best decision for me. I have never felt "maternal" really and as a kid from very young (maybe 7 or 8) I was very aware that I didn't think I wanted to be a mother. I'm 30 now and that hasn't changed. I actually really love to be around kids and have 2 nieces and a nephew that I adore but have no interest in rearing children. Sometimes I wonder if when I'm older I will "regret" not having kids but I remind myself that I know my own mind and for the most part those thoughts are rooted in everyday sexism rather than reality.