Do I move on?

[bobthedragqueen]

This thread has given me goosebumps for a few reasons.

For one, I've been able to take the advice here and apply it to my ownlife. It's a different context, but a draining relationship is a draining relationship. I have different friends and a sister that I value so much that I don't notice how little they value me (all unrelated circumstances). They've enjoyed the 100% I've put in and only throw in enough effort to keep stringing me along. I've blocked them too since reading this and I'm feeling empowered and alive. No explanations because I'll just get sucked back in. I'm not being impulsive. It's one of those things where you've subconciously realised for a long time that keeping contact with someone is hurting you and you need to say goodbye to for your own emotional well-being. This thread was just the catalyst for me.

OP, you are incredible in your strength and power right now. It's uplifting to read and inspired my own strength.

Fellow tattlers, this is my first experience where the advice is unanimous. I swear I have goosebumps. We all unanimously saw the situation for the way it is. That's powerful!

You go, honey! Glad this thread helped you, too. Look how powerful we can all be when we support one another! X

 

[littlepup]

It's not an excuse. I was just explaining why we didn't see each other often because that is the case. I was always the one who was to busy to see him. Anyway, it's done and over with now.

I'm sorry but you'd said "The thing that makes it harder for me is that we don't see each other very often in person, due to his life commitments and im also a full time working, single mother". I would also assume that if he didn't live with another woman he'd live with you or maybe be there in the evenings/mornings sometimes at least. As you say, it doesn't matter now, I just don't want to see you still making excuses for him as it makes teasier to go back.
At the start you said 'I have 2 options now, completely cut him off knowing how much I would hurt him or continue as we are'.... Your concern was knowing how much you would hurt him! He has done a very good job of making himself the victim here. The bloke is an out and out cunt that's been hurting 2 women for years, destroying them even. He doesn't deserve your concern or excuses.

 

[2xblended]

@Welsh1 I believe every word you've written, for what it's worth (nothing). And I could see when you immediately blocked him that you already had your doubts about him, and then seeing the unanimous chorus that this was manipulation and you should leave, the penny dropped and you took action immediately to block him.
I'm proud of you and hope you can heal and move forward. You're stronger than you think and you will be okay.

 

[Begborrowsteal]

I deleted it because I hadn't finished the message and it posted without the last bit. I woke up today and I've blocked him. He then tried to call me off a different number and I blocked that to. I've not given him any explanation. I've just ended it. I think I've always known how bad this situation is and I feel like a terrible person honestly for what I've allowed him to do to his girlfriend and for ever being a part of it. I'm just going to focus on myself now, healing from my past relationship and being a better person morally. Thank you all so much for your advice.

I hope you can stick to your guns and stay away. You dont deserve to be strung along like this, and his girlfriend doesnt deserve it either. I hope you can work on yourself and feel stronger.

 

[BettyCrocker]

Sorry but if he actually wanted to be with you, he would be with you. That’s the cold hard truth. You need to accept that. He’s taking you for a mug - he’s been your physical & emotional crutch for years, he knows he has a hold over you and there will be a part of him that gets off knowing that. He’s cheating on his partner so I’m sorry but he’s really not this Mr Wonderful that you think he is!!!!!!! Don’t think either that you are the only other women he’s got on the go.

You’ve wasted over a DECADE on this guy. Wake up. It’s never going to be anything more than what it is. He’s using you. Stop letting him. Cut him out of your life and find someone who deserves you - all of you.

 

[tinkertailorsoldierspy]

That sounds like a very sensible decision. Total cliché, but they really are plenty more fish in the sea. Lovely ones who are available and with whom you can actually build a proper life. Be strong and stick to it.

 

[Wowitsme]

Words are just words, I could text you that exact same thing doesn’t mean I mean a word of it. If a man wants you, he would be with you. If it bothered him that much he’d be with you. He knows by sending you a sickly sweet message your hanging on to him and won’t leave. He has you exactly where he wants you. He only has to put in 30% effort to get 100% back.

 

[Definitelyme]

I feel for you. I think that what happened in your previous relationship has left you in a bad place, and this guy is taking advantage of that.

Think about the wonderful guys you could be missing out on because you are closing yourself off to focus on him.

As others say, if he wanted to be with you, he would. Please tell him it is over. You are worth so much more than being someone’s bit on the side. You deserve to have someone who thinks you are the whole world.

 

[PennyLane321]

I don't mind explaining. I actually got extremely drunk and ended up kissing his friend. He claimed to be hurt at the time and needed some space so we didn't speak for a while afterwards and then he got over it.

Oh this guy is an absolute rat. Please know your worth and cut him off

 

[Begborrowsteal]

Thank you. I feel heart broken but I know this is for the best. I'm going to miss him so much, I can't even lie about that but I know deep down that this entire situation is wrong & even in his reply, he makes it all about him. I wouldn't have had the courage to do this had it not been for the amount of replies I've had and even though some were hard to hear, I'm glad people didn't sugar-coat anything, I needed to hear it all

Good for you!! his reply was bullshit. Hold your head high now, knowing you deserve more than that.

 

[Platypusfattypus]

You are giving yourself to a man who is giving himself to you and another person. Ultimately are you happy to spend the rest of your life paying second fiddle.

 

[Sticky One]

I unblocked him and sent him this:
I've just seen that you're outside my house. Didn't want you to be concerned in any way but I blocked you this morning because I don't want this anymore. I'm no longer going to be a side chick or a second option & I choose to be a better person, to focus on myself and not have you in my life. Please accept this and do not message me or turn up at my home again.

His reply: How can you throw away 12 years just like that? Whats the reason?! I've been fully open and honest with you the entire time. I've poured my heart out to you, I've been there whenever you've needed me. I love you for fucks sake and you can just end it just like that?! Come back to your house, I need to see you.

I've blocked him again. Going to stay at my parents for a bit. He has to go home to his gf at some point.

What’s the reason? Erm maybe because you’ve stringed me along for years. Fucking prick. Shame he hasn’t been open and honest to his girlfriend or maybe the reason is because you have 100s of women behind you making you see what a pleb he is

Well done for sticking to your guns, no doubt it is incredibly hard and you’ll feel lost and heartbroken but you are better than this

 

[SqualorVictoria]

Cheating is also so damaging as the person being cheated on thinks it's down to them or that they're to blame in some way. It's never anything to do with the person being cheated on, and everything to do with the cheater. Think about it OP- of course he's going to feed you lines about the sexless relationship and his supposed emotional turmoil as he's hardly going to say "actually, this is just sex and an ego boost and you mean nothing to me". He got the mortgage and the dog after you met so he can't even use that as his reason. I know men that are still single after not getting over break ups, not because they've no opportunities, but because they're still in love with ex girlfriends and can't bear getting into a new relationship. They certainly aren't getting mortgages and dogs with other women, this would have been the case with this guy too if he was so in love with you.

Sorry if I'm speaking bluntly but it has to be said

 

[Welsh1]

@Welsh1 I believe every word you've written, for what it's worth (nothing). And I could see when you immediately blocked him that you already had your doubts about him, and then seeing the unanimous chorus that this was manipulation and you should leave, the penny dropped and you took action immediately to block him.
I'm proud of you and hope you can heal and move forward. You're stronger than you think and you will be okay.

Thank you. I'm struggling this morning, I miss him already. I just keep coming back here to read hoping that it will sink in properly soon.

 

[petitspois]

He's bricking it, it's nothing to do with concern

Exactly!! Don’t meet him to ‘talk it over’, he’ll just manipulate you all over again. Just move on. He’ll soon get the message if you mean it.

 

[Yayitsavaliable]

Also if he tries to get flowers delivered, refuse them and tell the flower people he is a stalker and not to send anymore . It’s gonna be hard but you need to be strong .

 

[Welsh1]

If he loves you, why isn’t he ending things with his girlfriend.

His words don’t match his actions.
Well done on keeping busy, It hurts right now but each week will get a bit easier.

I'm not even going to ask him that. As people have said, he never has any intention of leaving her. I'm hoping time is a healer as they say. I shouldn't but I miss him, I know that I've done the right thing though.

 

[Curlywurly85]

This is an example of a message he sent me a few months ago.... this was when I was going through a rough time.
''I don’t think you’re a let down at all, I know the troubles you’re having and the reasons why you’re like this but you keep everything bottled up instead of talking about it which makes things worse and you know you can talk to me about anything. I love you so much and not seeing you on a daily basis kills me, I haven’t seen you properly in almost 8 weeks, do you not understand how hard that is for me?'' xxx
This may give more of an insight in to the type of things he says. However, after reading all of your replies, I definitely need to think about this in a different way to what I have been because I know I cant put my life on hold forever. X


I really do not mind you responding. Its nice to have a male perspective. Thank you x

Always remember, actions speak louder than words. So sorry you are going through this and I hope you find the strength to move on x

 

[Rockin' Robin]

There has been some absolute brilliant and insightful advice in this thread. I wish that there were people around me to give such advice, when I was involved with a variety of scum bags. It took a life changing event, to remove the blinkers from my eyes, but not before I had wasted too many years hankering after the wrong man. I am happy to say, that I found a loving partner and we have been together for 7 years.
I truly hope that the OP can find happiness with someone, who is willing to give her the love and support she deserves.

 

[Zenchick101]

As women we're so manipulated by slimey men like this, exchanging with my partner on male behaviour has been an eye opener. LADIES do not make excuses for them, if they want you for more then sex they will make it work, otherwise the though process is literally HOW CAN I GET LAID. they're not emotional like us