Do I move on?

[2xblended]

I deleted it because I hadn't finished the message and it posted without the last bit. I woke up today and I've blocked him. He then tried to call me off a different number and I blocked that to. I've not given him any explanation. I've just ended it. I think I've always known how bad this situation is and I feel like a terrible person honestly for what I've allowed him to do to his girlfriend and for ever being a part of it. I'm just going to focus on myself now, healing from my past relationship and being a better person morally. Thank you all so much for your advice.

Well done! That isn't easy but it's necessary. You deserve better.
I would have sent a 1-line message saying "I'm done being your side piece. I deserve better and your girlfriend does, too" and blocked him before he had a chance to respond. Just so that he knows he's been rumbled, the relationship is over and it's a chapter properly closed.
But either way, I'm proud of you. You really don't deserve to be strung along like this. I'm sorry he gaslit and manipulated you for so long.

 

[Definitelyme]

I deleted it because I hadn't finished the message and it posted without the last bit. I woke up today and I've blocked him. He then tried to call me off a different number and I blocked that to. I've not given him any explanation. I've just ended it. I think I've always known how bad this situation is and I feel like a terrible person honestly for what I've allowed him to do to his girlfriend and for ever being a part of it. I'm just going to focus on myself now, healing from my past relationship and being a better person morally. Thank you all so much for your advice.

Good for you. This can’t be an easy move, and I’m sure some of the things people have said on here make for very uncomfortable reading for you. But you know in your heart you want to move on or you wouldn’t have brought it up. Have you anyone (a friend) who knows the situation who can be a rock for you right now?

 

[SqualorVictoria]

Well done, OP! I know it's drastic but I'd suggest changing your number if he keeps ringing off a private or alternative number. He will try to step it up a gear, not because he loves you, but because he wants the ego stroking. And I would also guess a part of him is bricking it that you've just cut contact and is worried you'll reveal all to his GF and he wants reassurance. So if he pursues you, just remember it's for those reasons

 

[LittleMy]

You should be proud of yourself for taking that step, and stick to your guns. It will be hard, but you deserve better than that.

 

[Yayitsavaliable]

Also if he tries to get flowers delivered, refuse them and tell the flower people he is a stalker and not to send anymore . It’s gonna be hard but you need to be strong .

 

[littlepup]

If he is the narcissist he seems please be prepared for the ‘why are you doing this to me?, I can’t live without you’ - then might come the getting really nasty ‘you can’t live without me, no one else will support you like I do’. He may well make a lot of promises and then threats. I expect both would be empty.

 

[2xblended]

Well done, OP! I know it's drastic but I'd suggest changing your number if he keeps ringing off a private or alternative number. He will try to step it up a gear, not because he loves you, but because he wants the ego stroking. And I would also guess a part of him is bricking it that you've just cut contact and is worried you'll reveal all to his GF and he wants reassurance. So if he pursues you, just remember it's for those reasons

SO true that he'll keep trying to reach out, just to regain control of the situation and manipulate you to coming back. That's textbook.
Also brilliant point about him worrying that you'll tell his GF.
Just stay strong and do consider changing your number for the peace of mind it will give you. It's a fresh start.

ve you anyone (a friend) who knows the situation who can be a rock for you right now?

Also great advice here. Please reach out to any friends or family (or a therapist) who can be a source of comfort and support. You're used to communicating with him everyday and having him be your emotional support system, so you'll likely feel his absence. Please reach out to a good friend so as not to run back to him.
And be warned, if you do go back to him, he'll punish you for this (with a guilt trip or by gaslighting you). Men of this type always do. Don't give him the opportunity. Please take care of yourself.

Edit: just noticed that others have posted similar points expressed much better than mine. Please take heed of the last few messages. There's good advice there in case he tries any of these tactics.
Conversely he may go completely cold on you as a way to punish you and make you miss him. Don't fall for the mind games. You don't deserve to have your emotions played with. You deserve respect and hopefully the next guy will be fully invested in you and treat you wonderfully.

 

[Rockin' Robin]

There has been some absolute brilliant and insightful advice in this thread. I wish that there were people around me to give such advice, when I was involved with a variety of rum bags. It took a life changing event, to remove the blinkers from my eyes, but not before I had wasted too many years hankering after the wrong man. I am happy to say, that I found a loving partner and we have been together for 7 years.
I truly hope that the OP can find happiness with someone, who is willing to give her the love and support she deserves.

 

[SqualorVictoria]

Yeah the more I think about it the more I realise he will be absolutely sweating buckets right now as he doesn't know what your next move will be. Good enough for the tit. Let him sweat, might make him think twice in future about hurting his GF and other people. Not that I'm blaming women for the actions of crappy men but collectively if we push back on this kind of nonsense it's so empowering

 

[MaxieMoo]

The only reason I'm posting here is because it's anonymous and I am under no illusion that what I've done here is wrong but I really need advice.
I've been in a situation now for nearly 12 years. I started meeting up with a guy who was in the same friendship group as me, we started what was initially a bit of fun, slept together a few times etc then I did something not so great which rocked the boat and he ended up in a relationship with someone else. He was in this relationship for 3 years but was sleeping with me throughout. I then ended up in a relationship where we had a child together however this relationship was very toxic, manipulation, emotional and mental abuse aswell as financial abuse. I didn't cheat physically with this guy whilst in a relationship but for the duration this other guy was there for me emotionally throughout. His words and support actually gave me the courage to leave. He has always been the loveliest man, tells me im beautiful, how he will never be able to live his life happily without me, he tells me he loves me all whilst he's in a relationship with someone else. He has explained that his current relationship is more a situation of they have a mortgage together and a dog, they both have good jobs but its more like a friendship. I'm in love with this man. I know everyone says, if he'll cheat with you, he'll cheat on you but I honestly don't believe he would. To have been there for me for 12 years, and still here, even at times where I've completely pushed him away due to the affects my past relationship has had on me mentally, I've told him I hate him etc and he still doesn't leave, he knows that I don't mean it. He messaged me last night to say he will never be able to let me go, that whilst he knows what he's doing is wrong, im worth the risk, that I do things to him that no woman ever has and that he will love me forever. I know in my heart of hearts that we will probably never be together as he would lose a lot if his girlfriend was to find out but I have 2 options now, completely cut him off knowing how much I would hurt him or continue as we are. No man has ever made me feel as respected, supported or loved in my life and im in my mid thirties so that says something. Not to mention, the sex is incredible, I'm a larger lady with insecurities but he makes me feel so comfortable that they just go out the window when I'm with him. Thinking about him sleeping in bed with another woman every night breaks my heart. I don't know what to do for the best. Advice please ladies x

Sorry you are in this situation. I remember my first partner. We met when I was 16. I was so besotted with him. We were together until I turned 21. During our relationship I became aware that he was cheating. I was so in love with him that I turned a blind eye. It came to a head just before my 21st birthday. He told me he had got someone pregnant. I was devastated. Our relationship ended that day. I look back and to be honest I felt that I had wasted so many years on him. I couldn't imagine I would ever find anyone who I loved the way I loved him. Fortunately I did and 5 years later I met my husband. We have been together for 20 years. I think what I'm saying is that even if you feel you are unable to find this with someone else you definitely can. He seems to have the best of both worlds. You have the raw deal here. You deserve more than what you are getting. Losing the relationship may devastate you but please don't settle for this. Having a dog / cat / joint mortgage are excuses. Either way you are hurting and life is too short to live like this. Be strong and do what is best for YOU. Put yourself first in this situation. I know it's easy to say but you seem like a lovely person and you deserve to be happy x

 

[WhatABore]

I don't mind explaining. I actually got extremely drunk and ended up kissing his friend. He claimed to be hurt at the time and needed some space so we didn't speak for a while afterwards and then he got over it.

I'm sorry but you've never been in a relationship with with guy. He had a girlfriend at the same time as you on the side. And then makes you think you did something utterly terrible. When in actual fact, you did nothing wrong.

 

[SqualorVictoria]

It's also worth pointing out that they were both single when she had a drunken kiss with his friend as what she and this guy had was just "a bit of fun". So they were both single at the same time, he could have made it official then but didn't. That's telling

 

[Kandy floss]

I was in a sort of similar position when I was younger but not for as long.

I’d been sleeping with someone casually and we got on well. He wanted more but I didn’t at the time and I got with someone else a few months later.

My then boyfriend became very abusive over the 2 and a half years we were together emotionally and physically, and the other boy was there messaging me throughout while he had a girlfriend. Telling me if it wasn’t for her he’d be with me, being there for me and saying he’d never felt the way he did about me about anyone else.

We ended up sleeping together once. My ex found out and beat me. The other guy was nowhere to be seen because he’d been using me the entire time.

I left my abusive ex and the other guy tried using me occasionally but I told him where to go.

I’ve now been with someone else for 3 and a half years who is amazing and understanding of everything about me.

End it and find someone better.

ETA: just saw your posts saying you blocked him. Well done!! It might be hard but you’ll look back and realise it was worth it and that you deserved better.

 

[Sticky One]

Not going to lie I felt so frustrated reading this but once upon a time I was in a similar position when I was much younger and really not that long but the manipulation and pain is all the same it’s horrible to think someone has used you but unfortunately there are many pricks in this world. I’m glad you have blocked him, keep looking forward and know you deserve better. And hopefully one day he gets his karma.

 

[Zenchick101]

OP, not going to tit on you for hurting his gf, I think you realize that what you did was terrible. In your shoes I'd have told his gf because she deserves better too. Happy you blocked his ass, this was clearly a case of having his cake and eating it too, someone who really cares especially after that long would move his ass to be with you. I hope you find self-love and look for that special someone who won't treat you like an option.

 

[WhatABore]

Well done for blocking him. Hopefully you can stick to it. As hard as it may feel.
I ended up having to block the guy in a similar situation on every social media and everything even when he didn't use it because he went onto them to message me. And 6 years later, every few months he'll make a new account on something and message me again without any response!

 

[Zenchick101]

As women we're so manipulated by slimey men like this, exchanging with my partner on male behaviour has been an eye opener. LADIES do not make excuses for them, if they want you for more then sex they will make it work, otherwise the though process is literally HOW CAN I GET LAID. they're not emotional like us

 

[Platypusfattypus]

I second the changing your number idea. And then not putting his number anywhere to remove any temptation to call him. Find someone else who treats you how you want to be treated

 

[SqualorVictoria]

OP, not going to tit on you for hurting his gf, I think you realize that what you did was terrible. In your shoes I'd have told his gf because she deserves better too. Happy you blocked his ass, this was clearly a case of having his cake and eating it too, someone who really cares especially after that long would move his ass to be with you. I hope you find self-love and look for that special someone who won't treat you like an option.

I'd be against telling her as it's more about getting back at him rather than concern for her welfare- not to be harsh and not having a go but it's a bit late in the day after 12 years to pretend to be doing it for her benefit. IMO the OP should leave them alone and focus on herself.

As women we're so manipulated by slimey men like this, exchanging with my partner on male behaviour has been an eye opener. LADIES do not make excuses for them, if they want you for more then sex they will make it work, otherwise the though process is literally HOW CAN I GET LAID. they're not emotional like us

This is so true and I've done it myself many times, I've projected my feelings onto the guy. The OP believed he was going through some mental anguish because she was whereas in reality he was doing nothing of the sort.

 

[Smiles265]

The thought of this guy actually being in a relationship with another woman whilst he sends you these types of messages is enough to make me feel physically sick. That’s without it being going on for 12 years or the sexual aspect. His poor girlfriend. It’s wrong and you need to hopefully find the strength to walk away. If he wanted to be with you then he would. He’s not being forced to stay with her.