Do I move on?

[judgejohndeed]

I would just think - do you want to spend the rest of your life being the side piece? You've wasted 12 years of your life doing that already. Wouldn't even bother with an ultimatum. I'd be inclined to tell the wife as well, personally, if I were her I'd want to know so I could leave as well.

 

[Moley1]

Personally, I wouldnt even bother with an ultimatum. If he actually loved you, respected you and wanted to be with you; he wouldnt have hurt other women in the process and he would be with you now. Will you actually respect him after 12yrs of being, essentially, his pen pal? Please put yourself first. You are a single mother working hard, he is some gobshite lying to his partner and emotionally cheating. You're worth far more than that.

I am male so I hope that the person seeking advice doesn’t mind me responding, but I 100% endorse this reply. Good luck!

 

[Raininvain]

I know some people are saying tell his girlfriend what he's been up to but from my knowledge when people do this, the girlfriend often refuses to believe them!. Then the man goes on to make excuses and lies saying that he has been hounded for years by a total lunatic /ex who wont leave him alone etc. Also that he didn't want to tell her because he wouldn't want to upset/scare her etc.
Very few women will leave their partner/husband they just prefer to believe their lies even when its obvious what they have been up to.
Stay strong OP, and concentrate on yourself and child. Even if you don't meet anyone else straight away at least you wont be having your head battered by this prick.

 

[rainbowlemon]

I unblocked him and sent him this:
I've just seen that you're outside my house. Didn't want you to be concerned in any way but I blocked you this morning because I don't want this anymore. I'm no longer going to be a side chick or a second option & I choose to be a better person, to focus on myself and not have you in my life. Please accept this and do not message me or turn up at my home again.

His reply: How can you throw away 12 years just like that? Whats the reason?! I've been fully open and honest with you the entire time. I've poured my heart out to you, I've been there whenever you've needed me. I love you for fucks sake and you can just end it just like that?! Come back to your house, I need to see you.

I've blocked him again. Going to stay at my parents for a bit. He has to go home to his gf at some point.

Please try to stay strong. Don't reply back to him and explain it to him. You deserve so much better than to be treated like this and like the others have said if he really did want to be with you he would.

 

[Death2unicorns]

I notice how in his reply hes saying he loves you but he hasn’t said he will leave his girlfriend and finally be with you properly he’s a liar, he just wants his shag on the side to remain available, if you were truly the love of his life his reply would be that he is telling the girlfriend everything tonight so you’s can be together, please don’t waste another minute on this piece of shit OP

 

[SqualorVictoria]

I don't mind explaining. I actually got extremely drunk and ended up kissing his friend. He claimed to be hurt at the time and needed some space so we didn't speak for a while afterwards and then he got over it.

It wasn't official with him when you drunkenly kissed his friend, how dare he manipulate you into thinking that you did something absolutely terrible! I'm livid

 

[littlepup]

Other than the fact he's in a relationship, he has never ever done anything or said anything to hurt me, he is a constant positive in my life

How about that for 12 years he’s Let you know that you’re not worth leaving his partner for. Being with you is less important that a mortgage, that he could take back out of, or The dog. What does he really stand to lose? You’re not worth more than that. That’s what he’s saying.
I’d go as far as to say he’s dangerously manipulative. What do you think he’s saying to his partner, what does she think she’s pursuing here? He’s a grade A arsehole. He’s fucking two women’s lives up under the guise of being the good guy.
12 years!!!! If you can’t let him go you need to accept that you are the other woman and he is using you. He has made a life with his partner. If she and you needed him at the same time, you would not be the priority as he’s proven. Why would you let yourself be treated that way and say he loves you?

 

[Raininvain]

I don't think it matters really if OP hasn't been entirely straight. Its helped other people I think and she can go back through the answers in her own time. Also its sent out a clear message that its never O.K. to be used by anyone.

 

[Raininvain]

Cut him off, he's stringing you along, they all say what he is saying to you.
It doesn't matter how big or small you are there will be a man out there for you, who doesn't have someone else on the go as well. Hes probably messaging you everyday because he likes the attention, but actions speak much louder than words. If he wanted you then he would be with you full stop. Just block him now off everything, no need for any explanations with this toad. What good is a pen pal to you? Hes using you sorry.X

 

[Definitelyme]

Thank you. I feel heart broken but I know this is for the best. I'm going to miss him so much, I can't even lie about that but I know deep down that this entire situation is wrong & even in his reply, he makes it all about him. I wouldn't have had the courage to do this had it not been for the amount of replies I've had and even though some were hard to hear, I'm glad people didn't sugar-coat anything, I needed to hear it all

Of course you’ll miss him, and don’t try and push all those feelings aside. He’s been part of your life for a long time and it’s going to be a big change for you. But I really hope you find someone wonderful and new, and all yours, soon x

 

[littlepup]

He hasn’t made it round in 8 weeks but you block him for half a day and he’s on your doorstep?! I’d message to say you’re done And don’t want to see him in case he’s concerned for your well-being/safety.
ETA: as in, hasn’t realised he’s blocked and thinks you’re incapacitated

 

[littlepup]

As above. This is 100% text book. He’s not supporting and loving you, he’s manipulating you and has totally got you fooled. He is not a good person. I’m sorry

 

[BettyCrocker]

I think I've allowed myself to be treated this way because until today, I've never thought about it in the same way as someone does on the outside so I've never thought I was being treated badly especially when I compare how he is to me with how my ex was. My ex didn't support me with anything, when I ended up in hospital 5 months after giving birth, the man this post is about was there for me, I could have died. The man I was with at the time didn't support me at all. When I passed my degree, my ex didn't even say well done, the other guy sent me flowers to my work. And its not about material things for me, just having the support of him is something I've never had in any relationship. When my ex was bringing me down, he was bringing me up. He gave me the courage to leave a dangerous, toxic relationship. He makes me feel good about myself. I just need to find that in someone else I suppose.

you need to separate the two men. Just because this guy isn’t as awful as your ex doesn’t make him a nice guy. Sending you a bunch of flowers doesn’t mean anything, I’m sorry but you have to start looking beyond it to start seeing it.

right now he’s in a relationship with his girlfriend. That’s a fact. If he genuinely didn’t love her and didn’t want to be with her he would walk away. It’s a simple as that. If he genuinely loved you he would be with you.

this has been going on for 12 years. And you could stick around being his bit oh the side for another 12 years but face the fact that he has a real life & a real relationship with his girlfriend, what you have with him is just words on a screen. He’s using you. You need to just accept it, draw a line under it, block him and move on with your own life instead of playing a minor role in his life.

 

[littlepup]

Yes, yes, yes!! I’m so glad you saw that his reply was all about him.
He was trying to reinforce how much you need him, make you feel like you owe him.
If you get weak and unblock him at any point please look out for this in anything he says. Even if you look at old messages. See where he’s tried to reinforce how you need him and owe him and keep plugging away at changing your own perspective on what he’s been saying.
Good luck to you xx

 

[SqualorVictoria]

Anyway even in the unlikely event of him leaving her for you (not gonna happen) the relationship is sullied and doomed to fail. In most cases like these the men realise their mistake and bitterly regret leaving their girlfriends once the thrill of the affair has worn off.

 

[tinkertailorsoldierspy]

You deserve better. Move on and find someone who makes you feel just as good / sexy / supported / loved, but one that can and will give himself fully to you.

 

[Death2unicorns]

OP, I was once in a very similar position to you, except the guy wasn’t in a relationship when we were ‘on’, I got strung along for years by someone very charming, very good looking, exactly my type, showered me with attention, messages, telling me he had never met anyone like me before etc etc, except there was always a reason for why we couldn’t be more then fwb, work stress, his parents marital problems ( lol), and a variety of other ridiculous excuses, he would actually get in other relationships and stop meeting with me for a while, then that relationship would end and right on cue my phone would beep with a message from him in the middle of the night, saying how much he missed me blah blah blah, and like an idiot I would jump right back into the whole thing, lapping up the tidbits of attention he was throwing me, making excuses in my own head for his behaviour, thankfully one of my friends literally staged an intervention with me and persuaded me to cut it off, I knew I had to do it anyway, it got to the stage where I was miserable and crying over his adoration one minute and then rejection and getting with others girls the next, I bitterly reject all of that time and dignity I can never get back now, I wish I had been in control right from the beginning and told him to jog on, as a previous poster has said, you need to take back control, right now he has all the control and is calling all the shots, having his cake and eating it, tell him the whole thing is over and not to contact you again, it may hurt at first but you will actually be emancipating yourself in the long run x

 

[Juju]

If he loves you, why isn’t he ending things with his girlfriend.

His words don’t match his actions.
Well done on keeping busy, It hurts right now but each week will get a bit easier.

 

[Rolypolymmm]

I don't think it matters really if OP hasn't been entirely straight. Its helped other people I think and she can go back through the answers in her own time. Also its sent out a clear message that its never O.K. to be used by anyone.

This thread has helped me immensely. I'm taking from it that "i deserve to be chosen". Thanks all

 

[Wowitsme]

I think I've allowed myself to be treated this way because until today, I've never thought about it in the same way as someone does on the outside so I've never thought I was being treated badly especially when I compare how he is to me with how my ex was. My ex didn't support me with anything, when I ended up in hospital 5 months after giving birth, the man this post is about was there for me, I could have died. The man I was with at the time didn't support me at all. When I passed my degree, my ex didn't even say well done, the other guy sent me flowers to my work. And its not about material things for me, just having the support of him is something I've never had in any relationship. When my ex was bringing me down, he was bringing me up. He gave me the courage to leave a dangerous, toxic relationship. He makes me feel good about myself. I just need to find that in someone else I suppose.

Honestly there is a man out there that will support you and actually treat you well whilst being just for you. You won’t let a decent man into your life until you let yourself go from the past.