Do I move on?

[Definitelyme]

I unblocked him and sent him this:
I've just seen that you're outside my house. Didn't want you to be concerned in any way but I blocked you this morning because I don't want this anymore. I'm no longer going to be a side chick or a second option & I choose to be a better person, to focus on myself and not have you in my life. Please accept this and do not message me or turn up at my home again.

His reply: How can you throw away 12 years just like that? Whats the reason?! I've been fully open and honest with you the entire time. I've poured my heart out to you, I've been there whenever you've needed me. I love you for fucks sake and you can just end it just like that?! Come back to your house, I need to see you.

I've blocked him again. Going to stay at my parents for a bit. He has to go home to his gf at some point.

Without wanting to sound patronising, well bloody done! As you say he has to leave sometime. Not sure why he said what’s the reason as you explained clearly. Stay strong

 

[SqualorVictoria]

Well done, OP! I know it's drastic but I'd suggest changing your number if he keeps ringing off a private or alternative number. He will try to step it up a gear, not because he loves you, but because he wants the ego stroking. And I would also guess a part of him is bricking it that you've just cut contact and is worried you'll reveal all to his GF and he wants reassurance. So if he pursues you, just remember it's for those reasons

 

[SqualorVictoria]

He wasn't actually in a relationship at the time so wasn't currently cheating.

You're missing the point. The point is that you weren't in a relationship with him and a drunken kiss with his friend did not give him the right to cheat on his GF and string you along for 12 years

 

[Overitnow2020]

I agree with a lot of what's been said on here and there is lots of good advice but in your initial post you brush over the fact that you know what you are doing is wrong......you are both in the wrong here. Without doubt this guy is thoroughly manipulative and completely leading you down the garden path but you are complicit in this too, why not also consider walking away because you don't want to be part of messing up another person's life who has done nothing wrong?? Just another perspective and I can see that he is homing in on someone who he can manipulate.

I'm not intentionally being harsh but being brutally honest a mortgage and a dog aren't difficult to sort out if he really wanted to its not like he's married and got children to consider. He hasn't left because he doesn't want to. Take back the power and tell him fuck off

 

[SqualorVictoria]

I've been thinking about this all morning and it really saddens me that women who knowingly cheat with someone who has a partner don't just say "actually no, I value myself too much to be your bit on the side. I respect myself even though you don't". He gets to sleep in a bed with his partner and has his safe life with the mortgage and dog while still getting his ego boost and validation from you and undoubtedly others.

 

[Sailorontheseasea]

Ergh. Hes a prick.

Second this, complete prick. Totally keeping you where he wants you, if I received that message from someone with a girlfriend I would absolutely feel instant ick because its so clear it’s emotional manipulation and you’re there to stroke his ego. Get rid ASAP, you are worth so so so much more than that.

edited to say: so sorry you’re going through this OP. When you’re down on yourself and have low self esteem it’s so easy to take people on face value and trust in everything they say. I’m sure plenty of us have been there before but it’s just not right. I truly hope you find your self worth and thrive by yourself before you find someone, because you deserve to, you owe it to yourself. You sound so lovely and it’s clear you wouldn’t want to hurt him but all he’s doing is hurting you every single day without you even realising it. Sending love xx

 

[BettyCrocker]

I could send you a bunch of flowers right now. I could text you telling you I miss you. It’s meaningless. It’s just absolute bollocks.

 

[Lulu Goss]

We talk nearly every day and if we don't, I'll always wake up to a message which will say he misses me. Am I being used on more of an emotional level?

Sorry to say but it does sound like it. If he really wanted to, he could leave his current relationship - a mortgage isn’t that difficult to come out of.

12 years is such a long time, you deserve much better

 

[littlepup]

We spoke every day. We didn't see each other that often because I work extremely long hours and also have the responsibility of my child.

You didn’t see each other that often because he has another life with another woman. You have to stop making excuses and justifications now.

 

[WhatABore]

Having been in a similar situation myself with the constant comments on how their relationship is more like friends and they just stay together for whatever reasons.
And fed constant things like you've been fed but it was all rubbish. He never intended to leave, he never wanted me. He had me exactly where he wanted and I stayed there.
And that sounds exactly what this guy is doing to you.
He has you exactly where he wants you. He gets the best of both worlds and you stay there

 

[Noseyoldcow]

You really don’t sound like you are ready to let him go, you almost sound like you are thinking of reasons not too?
Are you scared of giving him an ultimatum in case he doesn’t choose you?
Im worried you are putting your life on hold for him and it sounds like you deserve a lot better

 

[onmylunchbreak]

I hope that by cleanly blocking him you have seen a side to him that you didn’t see before.

His biggest concern is the things that he needs to tell you, all about himself and his own feelings.

He’s a narcissist and was using you, not only for sex but also for an ego stroke, and an emotional crutch. People use others for all sorts of reasons it’s not always entirely about sex.

Stay strong you have a large group of people here rooting for you and wanting the best for you. It will hurt for awhile and you will miss him but keep faith that long term it’s for your own good to cut him out. One day you will see that I promise x

 

[LittleMy]

Being cheated on years ago gave me serious trust issues with men and had a hand in the mental health issues that I suffer with to this day. I also can’t understand why another woman would be willing to put someone else through this for their own selfishness, because that’s what it is. Yes, it’s the man’s fault because he’s in a relationship and has committed to someone else, but you’re just as bad because you know about it and allow it to carry on. She’s the one in the dark.

 

[WhatABore]

I think I've allowed myself to be treated this way because until today, I've never thought about it in the same way as someone does on the outside so I've never thought I was being treated badly especially when I compare how he is to me with how my ex was. My ex didn't support me with anything, when I ended up in hospital 5 months after giving birth, the man this post is about was there for me, I could have died. The man I was with at the time didn't support me at all. When I passed my degree, my ex didn't even say well done, the other guy sent me flowers to my work. And its not about material things for me, just having the support of him is something I've never had in any relationship. When my ex was bringing me down, he was bringing me up. He gave me the courage to leave a dangerous, toxic relationship. He makes me feel good about myself. I just need to find that in someone else I suppose.

You need to look at it as he was in your life for a reason, to show you things. Them things being, leaving your toxic relationship and giving you confidence.
That's it.
Just from that text you can tell he's manipulative. It is literally textbook.
Go back 6 years and it is almost like I'm reading about myself!
You need to do yourself a favour and cut ties with him.
He's feeding you bullshit simply for attention. Because he knows all this is what you want to hear

 

[blondegob37]

Move on.... Having his cake and eating it but.... If you do get with him makesure your finances are separate so your not in the same position as his poor wife. Sometimes your heart overrides your head but just know you deserve better and someone is out their that will treat you the way u should be treated.

 

[petitspois]

I agree with all the previous posters. Your self esteem is low, he is manipulating you and has you exactly where he wants you. I bet if you failed to respond to his texts and moved on you would get all the typical 'why are you being so cold you know how much I need you, I can't carry on without you'
I started off thinking he was just an arsehole but I'm starting to think he's much more sinister and cruel.

You deserve a full and happy life with a man being the icing on the cake not the 'be all and end all'.

 

[Definitelyme]

I woke up this morning to another letter through my door begging for me to unblock him as he has some things to say and that he loves me. I put it in the bin and haven't unblocked him. I'm determined to stick to this but I just feel really upset today which is normal I guess.

Still all about him I should imagine it’s natural to be very upset, he’s been a big part of your life. Maybe try focusing on what you’ll do moving forward, plan some fun things to do with your little one in the run up to Christmas to take your mind off it?

Not sure why other people are continuing to debate and have a go at OP. She has very clearly stated all that happened, and now is trying to move forward. Instead of rehashing what’s been said a million times, how about we try and provide continued support to OP?

 

[tinkertailorsoldierspy]

We're all proud of you! I think many of us are probably speaking from experience and know the right thing to do, as much as it hurts.
You're right that reply was about him. He will be angry and will probably be manipulative for a while now. Good that you have somewhere safe to stay.

 

[Rippedjeanmaybe]

He sounds like a classic narcissist, manipulative, charming, intelligent, lack of empathy...

Yes you might think that he’s empathetic, because he’s sending you flowers and sending you messages of support, but he doesn’t mean any of it, it’s all manipulation. He is doing these things to make himself appear charming and like he’s the good one in all of this. He’s clever, that’s why he’s doing it, he’s not doing any of it because he actually cares, it’s all a tactic.

Whatever you did years ago can’t have been that bad, I don’t think he ever had any intentions of having a proper relationship with you, he just used a mistake that made as his excuse to get out before you got committed so that he could manipulate you into being his bit on the side. He made himself into the victim so that you would feel guilt for the relationship going wrong, even though it was him that twisted it that way.

the line “don’t you know how hard it is for me” screams red flags of narcissism and manipulation. This isn’t something that most normal people say, he’s making himself into the victim so that you will feel guilty and then he will have you where he wants you. if it was that hard for him he would have left his girlfriend, simple as.

Cut all ties with him, please, you don’t deserve this. I’d also be very interested to see his reaction once he does know his grip is slipping.

 

[EllaEllaElla]

What the OP reads like: A knight in shining armour swooped in to save you from a toxic relationship...

Translation: This narcissistic ventriloquist saw a woman at her most vulnerable and decided to keep her as his little plaything.

I've had a skim of other comments here so don't need to reiterate the consensus. But I will say this, as I've been the girlfriend, this guy doesn't care about you. He never did. Nor does he really care for his girlfriend. He cares for himself and himself only. You're in your mid 30's in another 12 you'll be heading to 50 years of age. 50 and still someone's ragdoll. You're wasting your life on something and someone that, if push came to shove, wouldn't waste 50 minutes on you.

Move on. Work on yourself, get some professional help if need be for your self esteem and past experiences because that's the deep down root cause of this. And maybe just maybe have some compassion for the woman you are hurting because it damn well fucking crushes you.


ETA: I see you've decided to end things good for you! The first step is the hardest but pursue this path to self love, self development and self appreciation.because you can do it if you really want to. There's an amazing unattached man out there who will treat and respect you how you should be and vice versa. But as you know it begins with you first. I wish you all the best. x