Do I move on?

[Begborrowsteal]

This is an example of a message he sent me a few months ago.... this was when I was going through a rough time.
''I don’t think you’re a let down at all, I know the troubles you’re having and the reasons why you’re like this but you keep everything bottled up instead of talking about it which makes things worse and you know you can talk to me about anything. I love you so much and not seeing you on a daily basis kills me, I haven’t seen you properly in almost 8 weeks, do you not understand how hard that is for me?'' xxx
This may give more of an insight in to the type of things he says. However, after reading all of your replies, I definitely need to think about this in a different way to what I have been because I know I cant put my life on hold forever. X


I really do not mind you responding. Its nice to have a male perspective. Thank you x

Ergh. Hes a prick.

 

[littlepup]

''I don’t think you’re a let down at all, I know the troubles you’re having and the reasons why you’re like this but you keep everything bottled up instead of talking about it which makes things worse and you know you can talk to me about anything. I love you so much and not seeing you on a daily basis kills me, I haven’t seen you properly in almost 8 weeks, do you not understand how hard that is for me?'' xxx

Not about you, all about him. Emotional manipulation, reinforcing how much you need him, only him. Don’t you know how hard it is for him? Unbelievable!!!!

 

[Welsh1]

I unblocked him and sent him this:
I've just seen that you're outside my house. Didn't want you to be concerned in any way but I blocked you this morning because I don't want this anymore. I'm no longer going to be a side chick or a second option & I choose to be a better person, to focus on myself and not have you in my life. Please accept this and do not message me or turn up at my home again.

His reply: How can you throw away 12 years just like that? Whats the reason?! I've been fully open and honest with you the entire time. I've poured my heart out to you, I've been there whenever you've needed me. I love you for fucks sake and you can just end it just like that?! Come back to your house, I need to see you.

I've blocked him again. Going to stay at my parents for a bit. He has to go home to his gf at some point.

 

[Raininvain]

He is hurting you though isn't he?, hes not your boyfriend/partner and he goes months without seeing you but speaks/texts everyday. So hes giving you the illusion of closeness when its no such thing. There's loads of people who do this and its for attention pure and simple.

 

[LittleMy]

The fact that he’s sending you messages like that yet going to bed with his girlfriend every night is just wrong. It’s highly manipulative and unfair on both his girlfriend and yourself. This has been going on for 12 years? Wouldn’t be me. I wouldn’t waste any more oxygen on him if I were you. Life is too short to settle for being second best.

 

[LittleMy]

I know the op has stated that they've stopped contact with the bloke and I am proud of them for that as I know how painful it is to move on from someone you love, especially if they've been in each other's lives for 12 years, I can't help but only have sympathy for the girlfriend in this.

Imagine how it would feel to find out that your partner of however long had been seeing a woman behind your back all of the duration of your relationship, you'd feel broken. I've never to my actual knowledge been cheated on, but have friends who have been and it made them very insecure (in some cases more than already) and broke them. Op has mentioned in another thread that she has a son with another man who she only left a few months back but was with this man for over 8 years, so not only has she cheated with a taken man but she cheated the whole time almost she was in a relationship with her son's dad. There definitely is issues going on inside of the OP that they need to face and sort out, but hurting others in the process doesn't make it okay just because you are insecure and unhappy. I'm genuinely not trying to be a bitch to the op, but please op realise your actions hurt others.

I think the OP has stated enough times throughout the thread that what she did was wrong. Don’t beat her up for it, she came here for advice not judgment. I’ve been cheated on and it is brutal, and while I personally think the OP owes it to the girlfriend to tell her the truth, that is a decision that only she can make. She did the right thing by cutting him out of her life, one thing at a time.

 

[CarrieW24]

I know the op has stated that they've stopped contact with the bloke and I am proud of them for that as I know how painful it is to move on from someone you love, especially if they've been in each other's lives for 12 years, I can't help but only have sympathy for the girlfriend in this.

Imagine how it would feel to find out that your partner of however long had been seeing a woman behind your back all of the duration of your relationship, you'd feel broken. I've never to my actual knowledge been cheated on, but have friends who have been and it made them very insecure (in some cases more than already) and broke them. Op has mentioned in another thread that she has a son with another man who she only left a few months back but was with this man for over 8 years, so not only has she cheated with a taken man but she cheated the whole time almost she was in a relationship with her son's dad. There definitely is issues going on inside of the OP that they need to face and sort out, but hurting others in the process doesn't make it okay just because you are insecure and unhappy. I'm genuinely not trying to be a bitch to the op, but please op realise your actions hurt others.

Whilst it's true that OP has done wrong, she came here an open book to seek advice.

The precedent you set when you judge people that are seeking help is that only angels can be helped.

She has admitted fault, as well as expressed remorse and guilt. It doesn't excuse it, but at least she holds herself accountable. I would hate for anybody to feel like they can never reach out, for fear of being judged.

 

[newtoyou]

Please keep coming back here when he tries to get you back. If no-one else in your life knows what’s happening, we will be your support Especially if he starts saying things that make you question your decision.

 

[BettyCrocker]

He wasn't actually in a relationship at the time so wasn't currently cheating.

please stop making excuses for him and stop trying to justify his behaviour.

are you listening to anything that we are all saying here?????

 

[CarrieW24]

He chose a mortage over you. That's not love.

I wouldn't bother with an ultimatum, I would block him and have a fresh start.

 

[Yayitsavaliable]

This. I really really cannot stand that women do this shit to each other. Knowingly being involved is fucking low. Just because you have a low self esteem, or youre bruised from past relationships - it doesnt justify or excuse doing shit like this. Be a grown up, and have morals. Definitely have more respect for yourself. No one should be sloppy seconds or a secret side piece.

I got cheated on and it nearly destroyed me, we were in what I thought was a happy healthy relationship. We were building our life together and one day it came tumbling down, he had cheated for over a year and told the woman we were miserable and he was only staying because of my health etc, he said we were in a sexless relationship which was rubbish as we were at it like rabbits (haha) . It was soul destroying especially knowing that the woman knew he had a partner.
a shitty man will say anything to get his leg over!

 

[Yayitsavaliable]

I don't mind explaining. I actually got extremely drunk and ended up kissing his friend. He claimed to be hurt at the time and needed some space so we didn't speak for a while afterwards and then he got over it.

Are you serious !? You kissed his friend and he got mad !? The guy that is cheating on his partners with you !? Please please respect yourself and leave his sorry pathetic arse !

 

[Welsh1]

I know the op has stated that they've stopped contact with the bloke and I am proud of them for that as I know how painful it is to move on from someone you love, especially if they've been in each other's lives for 12 years, I can't help but only have sympathy for the girlfriend in this.

Imagine how it would feel to find out that your partner of however long had been seeing a woman behind your back all of the duration of your relationship, you'd feel broken. I've never to my actual knowledge been cheated on, but have friends who have been and it made them very insecure (in some cases more than already) and broke them. Op has mentioned in another thread that she has a son with another man who she only left a few months back but was with this man for over 8 years, so not only has she cheated with a taken man but she cheated the whole time almost she was in a relationship with her son's dad. There definitely is issues going on inside of the OP that they need to face and sort out, but hurting others in the process doesn't make it okay just because you are insecure and unhappy. I'm genuinely not trying to be a bitch to the op, but please op realise your actions hurt others.

Whilst I fully appreciate your message, I wasn't looking for sympathy in this, just advice. I will now be working on myself so I can become a better person but I fully accept that what I've done is immoral and wrong.

 

[WhatABore]

This. I really really cannot stand that women do this shit to each other. Knowingly being involved is fucking low. Just because you have a low self esteem, or youre bruised from past relationships - it doesnt justify or excuse doing shit like this. Be a grown up, and have morals. Definitely have more respect for yourself. No one should be sloppy seconds or a secret side piece.

Just want to add to this comment.
Just think about how you feel now after your toxic relationship and how you probably hate the guy that made you feel this way.
Now imagine being this guys partner. Imagine how when she finds out all this has been happening, how much that will affect her for the rest of her life and not being to trust people in the future. Much like you're struggling to do.

 

[Begborrowsteal]

I got cheated on and it nearly destroyed me, we were in what I thought was a happy healthy relationship. We were building our life together and one day it came tumbling down, he had cheated for over a year and told the woman we were miserable and he was only staying because of my health etc, he said we were in a sexless relationship which was rubbish as we were at it like rabbits (haha) . It was soul destroying especially knowing that the woman knew he had a partner.
a shitty man will say anything to get his leg over!

Yep, same. I had met the woman as well. It broke my heart. A year of graphic sexting and plans. It destroyed me. I hate the woman. Shes fucking scummy. Typical case of attention seeking, low self esteem, unhappy in her own life so she wanted to spread the misery. Absolute cunt. My partner obviously was to blame, but she knowingly got involved. Scum.

 

[Welsh1]

How you getting on, OP? Hope you have some fun Halloween plans with your kid this weekend!

I'm not great but I've been keeping myself busy. He's ended up getting another number by the looks of things which I've also had to block. Just saying the usual, he misses me, doesn't understand why I've done this, thought I loved him like he loves me etc. I have lots of lovely plans with my child tomorrow, we're in the middle of a lockdown here so we've been keeping busy and spending some well needed time together. Thank you so much for checking on me

 

[Welsh1]

I've just got home from work & he's outside my house. I've turned around and driven to my parents as he doesn't know where she lives. I am adamant that I am sticking to this but whilst I can change my number, I can't change my address. It hasn't even been a full day since I've blocked him. What do I do now?

 

[Welsh1]

This thread has given me goosebumps for a few reasons.

For one, I've been able to take the advice here and apply it to my ownlife. It's a different context, but a draining relationship is a draining relationship. I have different friends and a sister that I value so much that I don't notice how little they value me (all unrelated circumstances). They've enjoyed the 100% I've put in and only throw in enough effort to keep stringing me along. I've blocked them too since reading this and I'm feeling empowered and alive. No explanations because I'll just get sucked back in. I'm not being impulsive. It's one of those things where you've subconciously realised for a long time that keeping contact with someone is hurting you and you need to say goodbye to for your own emotional well-being. This thread was just the catalyst for me.

OP, you are incredible in your strength and power right now. It's uplifting to read and inspired my own strength.

Fellow tattlers, this is my first experience where the advice is unanimous. I swear I have goosebumps. We all unanimously saw the situation for the way it is. That's powerful!

I'm glad that this thread could do some good for you. I have definitely learnt a lot from it also and have realised my worth.

 

[BettyCrocker]

I have to agree with this comment. I really don't think I am ready. My head tells me its the right thing to do but my heart says, if he was using me why would he invest so much time in me. I never ever message him first, even though I know he's alone in the evenings, he's always done the chasing the whole 12 years, why would he support me and help me in so many ways if he just wanted sex which he rarely gets from me anyway. Other than the fact he's in a relationship, he has never ever done anything or said anything to hurt me, he is a constant positive in my life but I know I can't live this way forever. X

its not about the physical act of sex. Let’s be Frank - he’s having regular sex with HIS GIRLFRIEND.

he’s using you for the attention. He gets bored or he wants some attention so he gets in touch with you and BINGO! There you are, ready to massage his ego. That’s all it is. He’s probably got several other women just like you that he’s in contact with. I know you will be rolling your eyes now, thinking “oh no, he’s not, im the only one”.......... WAKE UP!!!! Snap out of it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He’s never going to leave her. He’s using you.

 

[bobthedragqueen]

Thank you. I feel heart broken but I know this is for the best. I'm going to miss him so much, I can't even lie about that but I know deep down that this entire situation is wrong & even in his reply, he makes it all about him. I wouldn't have had the courage to do this had it not been for the amount of replies I've had and even though some were hard to hear, I'm glad people didn't sugar-coat anything, I needed to hear it all

I’ve spent most of today reading the thread and can I just say that from your first message to this most recent one, it sounds as if you’ve realised you deserve more than this and I’m so glad you can see that! His response to your message, he hasn’t even really listened to what you’ve said, like you’ve said it’s all about him.

You’ve been really strong and the next few weeks will be hard but you’ll be so much better for it. If you feel a wobble coming on, just message here x