I would just think - do you want to spend the rest of your life being the side piece? You've wasted 12 years of your life doing that already. Wouldn't even bother with an ultimatum. I'd be inclined to tell the wife as well, personally, if I were her I'd want to know so I could leave as well.
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I have to agree with this comment. I really don't think I am ready. My head tells me its the right thing to do but my heart says, if he was using me why would he invest so much time in me. I never ever message him first, even though I know he's alone in the evenings, he's always done the chasing the whole 12 years, why would he support me and help me in so many ways if he just wanted sex which he rarely gets from me anyway. Other than the fact he's in a relationship, he has never ever done anything or said anything to hurt me, he is a constant positive in my life but I know I can't live this way forever. XYou really don’t sound like you are ready to let him go, you almost sound like you are thinking of reasons not too?
Are you scared of giving him an ultimatum in case he doesn’t choose you?
Im worried you are putting your life on hold for him and it sounds like you deserve a lot better
Maybe he's not using you, but he's also not choosing you
and you deserve to be chosen.
he’s in a relationship with another woman.
rhey bought a house together.
they have a dog together.
he has CHOSEN TO BUILD A LIFE WITH THIS WOMAN. HE HASNT CHOSEN YOU. IF HE REALLY LOVED YOU, HE WOULD BE WITH YOU.
what are you expecting to happen here? It’s been 12 YEARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Emotionally cheating is still cheating. He is a head for what hes doing to his girlfriend, and youre allowing yourself to be the other woman. Youre allowing him to mug you off.
Ive been the girlfriend in this situation and found out there had been 1 year of messaging and calls behind my back. Trust me, it broke my heart the same as if it were physical cheating. Dont be that woman. Have more respect for yourself and tell him to duck off.
Ive been the girlfriend in this situation and found out there had been 1 year of messaging and calls behind my back. Trust me, it broke my heart the same as if it were physical cheating. Dont be that woman. Have more respect for yourself and tell him to duck off.
He is hurting you though isn't he?, hes not your boyfriend/partner and he goes months without seeing you but speaks/texts everyday. So hes giving you the illusion of closeness when its no such thing. There's loads of people who do this and its for attention pure and simple.
I've just read this thread, you are so right, but I don't think she's ready to leave him, blimey I wish she would, 12 years, you come in this life once, it'll be upsetting, but you are worth so much better than the way he's been treating you.
It’s sounds like it’s a bit of an ego trip and attention thing for him, aswell as keeping you on hand for sex when the opportunity arises and also keeping you there as a second option incase things go bits up with his partner (who is his first choice by the way), I’m not even sure I would give him the ultimatum now as you might actually end up with this manipulative liar, I’d just cut it off completely, don’t give him anymore of your time now you deserve better
Theres no reason why you cant get a decent boyfriend, I've known loads of really big women with nice boyfriends and husbands. One of my friends is about a size 24 and she was beating men and women off with a stick, she's married now. I know loads through work etc as well. You deserve better than this man. If your in your 30s now don't be wasting another decade on him when you could be building a future with someone.
its not about the physical act of sex. Let’s be Frank - he’s having regular sex with HIS GIRLFRIEND.
he’s using you for the attention. He gets bored or he wants some attention so he gets in touch with you and BINGO! There you are, ready to massage his ego. That’s all it is. He’s probably got several other women just like you that he’s in contact with. I know you will be rolling your eyes now, thinking “oh no, he’s not, im the only one”.......... WAKE UP!!!! Snap out of it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He’s never going to leave her. He’s using you.
I am male so I hope that the person seeking advice doesn’t mind me responding, but I 100% endorse this reply. Good luck!
This is an example of a message he sent me a few months ago.... this was when I was going through a rough time.
''I don’t think you’re a let down at all, I know the troubles you’re having and the reasons why you’re like this but you keep everything bottled up instead of talking about it which makes things worse and you know you can talk to me about anything. I love you so much and not seeing you on a daily basis kills me, I haven’t seen you properly in almost 8 weeks, do you not understand how hard that is for me?'' xxx
This may give more of an insight in to the type of things he says. However, after reading all of your replies, I definitely need to think about this in a different way to what I have been because I know I cant put my life on hold forever. X
''I don’t think you’re a let down at all, I know the troubles you’re having and the reasons why you’re like this but you keep everything bottled up instead of talking about it which makes things worse and you know you can talk to me about anything. I love you so much and not seeing you on a daily basis kills me, I haven’t seen you properly in almost 8 weeks, do you not understand how hard that is for me?'' xxx
This may give more of an insight in to the type of things he says. However, after reading all of your replies, I definitely need to think about this in a different way to what I have been because I know I cant put my life on hold forever. X
I really do not mind you responding. Its nice to have a male perspective. Thank you x
Ergh. Hes a wick.
Always remember, actions speak louder than words. So sorry you are going through this and I hope you find the strength to move on x
Second this, complete wick. Totally keeping you where he wants you, if I received that message from someone with a girlfriend I would absolutely feel instant ick because its so clear it’s emotional manipulation and you’re there to stroke his ego. Get rid ASAP, you are worth so so so much more than that.
edited to say: so sorry you’re going through this OP. When you’re down on yourself and have low self esteem it’s so easy to take people on face value and trust in everything they say. I’m sure plenty of us have been there before but it’s just not right. I truly hope you find your self worth and thrive by yourself before you find someone, because you deserve to, you owe it to yourself. You sound so lovely and it’s clear you wouldn’t want to hurt him but all he’s doing is hurting you every single day without you even realising it. Sending love xx
The fact that he’s sending you messages like that yet going to bed with his girlfriend every night is just wrong. It’s highly manipulative and unfair on both his girlfriend and yourself. This has been going on for 12 years? Wouldn’t be me. I wouldn’t waste any more oxygen on him if I were you. Life is too short to settle for being second best.
oh.my.god
This just gets worse.
he’s gaslighting you.
please understand this, he is not a good guy. He’s manipulating you. He’s making you believe that you need him and that he wants you but that there are outside forces stopping this from happening.... and oh - it’s breaking him inside that he can’t see you....
ITS ALL A LOAD OF tit.
Seriously. It’s balls.
what’s stopping him from ending his relationship with his girlfriend and being with you???? NOTHING. He simply has no intention because, and I’m sorry, he doesn’t love you. He loves himself. He probably loves the girlfriend in some weird way, after all he’s CHOSEN to be with her. But he’s just using you, always has been. Stop letting him.
How about that for 12 years he’s Let you know that you’re not worth leaving his partner for. Being with you is less important that a mortgage, that he could take back out of, or The dog. What does he really stand to lose? You’re not worth more than that. That’s what he’s saying.
I’d go as far as to say he’s dangerously manipulative. What do you think he’s saying to his partner, what does she think she’s pursuing here? He’s a grade A hole. He’s bleeping two women’s lives up under the guise of being the good guy.
12 years!!!! If you can’t let him go you need to accept that you are the other woman and he is using you. He has made a life with his partner. If she and you needed him at the same time, you would not be the priority as he’s proven. Why would you let yourself be treated that way and say he loves you?
Words are just words, I could text you that exact same thing doesn’t mean I mean a word of it. If a man wants you, he would be with you. If it bothered him that much he’d be with you. He knows by sending you a sickly sweet message your hanging on to him and won’t leave. He has you exactly where he wants you. He only has to put in 30% effort to get 100% back.
I think I've allowed myself to be treated this way because until today, I've never thought about it in the same way as someone does on the outside so I've never thought I was being treated badly especially when I compare how he is to me with how my ex was. My ex didn't support me with anything, when I ended up in hospital 5 months after giving birth, the man this post is about was there for me, I could have died. The man I was with at the time didn't support me at all. When I passed my degree, my ex didn't even say well done, the other guy sent me flowers to my work. And its not about material things for me, just having the support of him is something I've never had in any relationship. When my ex was bringing me down, he was bringing me up. He gave me the courage to leave a dangerous, toxic relationship. He makes me feel good about myself. I just need to find that in someone else I suppose.