Dealing with an awful sister in law

[Lulu Goss]

I agree with what others have said, it definitely sounds like she’s jealous of you. It doesn’t excuse her being so nasty but I do understand how hard it is when everyone else is used to that behaviour.

If you’ve only got 6 weeks left of living at his parents house then at least that’s not too much longer to put up with her. I’d avoid her as much as you can in this time and when you do see her, ignore her as much as you can.

I wouldn’t reply to the texts about Christmas presents - can’t believe how rude that is. If she brings it up I would make a point of laughing about it and saying “what? I thought that message was a joke!”

Its a horrible situation to be in though. Not too much longer and you’ll be in your own place and can stop seeing her much at all like your partners brother has!

 

[Biatchtiats]

Call her out. Touch a few nerves and hopefully she won’t speak to you ever again - problem solved.
don’t be too nice. It’s too late for that

 

[Barbs89]

As I have mentioned on other threads, my MIL is a problem within the family, my husband and FIL have ignored her for so long that’s she is just used to her bolshy and bullying behaving as a means to getting what she wants. But it’s obvious that she is deeply unhappy with herself and unfortunately calling her up on it or replying something crappy back doesn’t help. She sulks and then whoever answered back looks like the bad one. My husband has started snapping at the worst possible times too (Christmas day last year, she then sulked all day after she’d been told off). So I understand why no one is calling your sister in law up on her behaviour, it isn’t worth the hassle. My own sister often tells me to do like many posters on this thread have advised you-tell her to duck right off (or words to that affect). My sister thinks I am weak because I don’t rise to her, but not rising to it and just being nice to her will make you stronger, you will become immune to the behaviour. It’s tit, but if you want to keep a relationship with her children it may be the only way forward. Good luck for the next few weeks x

 

[blossombloss]

I'm really sorry you have to deal with someone like her, she sounds absolutely awful! I think with people like her it's not ever going to feel like you've "won" because they'll always have something to say no matter what you say. However, what I think needs to happen here is for you to self-advocate. I think often people conflate causing an argument with simply standing up for yourself. You are allowed to stand up for yourself, sometimes it does cause conflict but that's largely because the other person is a twit, but you are not the source of the conflict. You say "When she says them I always just go quiet and don't answer as she's one of those who can't be argued with." but you don't need to argue with her, I think you may feel a lot better if you just said something to her so she knows you're not happy with what she's said. I think really just saying things simply as "that's not a nice thing to say" or "I don't think that's appropriate" stops the conversation or could lead to her feeling uncomfortable, without you having to think of a specific response to whatever horrible thing she's said. I know it sounds silly but even just practising it in the mirror and then following it up with a stare to her may help. She may respond with "oh it's just a joke" or "that's just me being honest" but again you can say simple phrases like "I don't find that funny" or "I didn't ask for your honesty."
I think letting her know that her statements aren't okay but not full on going in on her may reduce how much she decided to interact with you because she doesn't get the reaction she wants!

Also the text about Christmas is too bleeping far. I would respond, saying your kids get what I buy!! But if you don't want the back and forth just ignore her. She sounds like the kind of person that wants to hurt you and I think sadly you play right into her hands. As for your partner it's a tricky one...I think it's one thing as a sibling to accept how your sister behaves but it's another to think it's okay when she behaves like that to people she didn't actually grow up with. I've seen your update about how he does sometimes call her out and I think like others have said, when you move into your own place you do need to tell him you have firm boundaries about her.

 

[Silly Sausage]

Look into the Grey Rock Method. It’s incredibly helpful if you are unable to go no contact. She is feeding off the attention she gets. She is attention seeking and gets off on upsetting people.

It’s great that your brother in law is setting boundaries for his family. Make sure you have firm boundaries if you stay in this family. Say something once and do not further engage. She wants that.

How To Use The Gray Rock Method With Narcissists And Toxic People

Learn how to use the Gray Rock Method to deal with the narcissist in your life when going no contact just isn't a realistic option.

www.aconsciousrethink.com

 

[cosmo girl]

She sounds very jealous of you. Just don't change. Ignore her advice and just keep smiling

 

[1001 others]

@Bloom95, it sounds to me as if she is taking all her insecurities out on you. Some people are just awful and will never change; unfortunately if they're relatives you're stuck with dealing with, or hearing about, them in some capacity. I'd just 'grey rock' her ... and try and pretend she doesn't exist. It works for me with a painful relative.

 

[Hinchhater1442]

Sorry to jump in on your thread! I have a situation with my SIL and I need advice I don’t wanna start my own thread as I’m forever scared of being exposed on here haha!

So my husbands nan passed away last year. When she died she left his aunts in charge of all of her jewellery - nothing of great value, just sentimental stuff. She had actually numbered everything and made a list of who should have what.
But. Husbands ex-wife was still on the list- it appeared that nan hadn’t updated it and she made her opinions on said ex-wife fairly clear so the aunts felt they definitely shouldn’t give her the jewellery

So, alongside the items that were allocated to me, they gave me an extra item- a ring- that was down for the ex wife. FYI it wasn’t a will, just a scrappy piece of paper

Rumour mill went around at the time that my SIL wanted the ring and was upset about it. She never directly said anything to me, but I was told by others not to worry about it and not to give it to her

fast forward approx. 18 months - SIL texts me yesterday asking if she can come over.. says she has something to get off her chest and basically tells me she wanted the ring BUT that apparently before Nan died she had been sat with SIL one day and for whatever reason was going through her jewellery and told SIL that she wanted her to have it. SIL has photos of her wearing the ring- she said that Nan told her to take pics so she could remember what it looked like. However, we don’t believe this is something Nan would say- she wasn’t very technical and it just doesn’t sound like her. Also, the list was within her parameters so she could have easily changed it

I just feel very conflicted. SIL said she had a dream about it the other night which made her realise it was still on her mind so she had to come and say something to me. I think she expected me to just hand the ring over. I don’t feel like the ring is ‘mine’ - and I’d almost feel rude on the aunts if I just hand it over as if it means nothing to me. I said this to her and she was like no I don’t think it would be rude, the ball is in your court.

so, without any history or backstory to our relationship....what would you do?

 

[Alexaj]

Give her the ring. If it's not of great value, and it's sentimental enough for your SIL to feel distressed over it, just give it to her. She's the blood relative, right? If you truly think that's what your husband's nan would want them don't hesitate.

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

Sorry to jump in on your thread! I have a situation with my SIL and I need advice I don’t wanna start my own thread as I’m forever scared of being exposed on here haha!

So my husbands nan passed away last year. When she died she left his aunts in charge of all of her jewellery - nothing of great value, just sentimental stuff. She had actually numbered everything and made a list of who should have what.
But. Husbands ex-wife was still on the list- it appeared that nan hadn’t updated it and she made her opinions on said ex-wife fairly clear so the aunts felt they definitely shouldn’t give her the jewellery

So, alongside the items that were allocated to me, they gave me an extra item- a ring- that was down for the ex wife. FYI it wasn’t a will, just a scrappy piece of paper

Rumour mill went around at the time that my SIL wanted the ring and was upset about it. She never directly said anything to me, but I was told by others not to worry about it and not to give it to her

fast forward approx. 18 months - SIL texts me yesterday asking if she can come over.. says she has something to get off her chest and basically tells me she wanted the ring BUT that apparently before Nan died she had been sat with SIL one day and for whatever reason was going through her jewellery and told SIL that she wanted her to have it. SIL has photos of her wearing the ring- she said that Nan told her to take pics so she could remember what it looked like. However, we don’t believe this is something Nan would say- she wasn’t very technical and it just doesn’t sound like her. Also, the list was within her parameters so she could have easily changed it

I just feel very conflicted. SIL said she had a dream about it the other night which made her realise it was still on her mind so she had to come and say something to me. I think she expected me to just hand the ring over. I don’t feel like the ring is ‘mine’ - and I’d almost feel rude on the aunts if I just hand it over as if it means nothing to me. I said this to her and she was like no I don’t think it would be rude, the ball is in your court.

so, without any history or backstory to our relationship....what would you do?

I’d ignore her unless you didn’t want the ring

 

[judgejohndeed]

so, without any history or backstory to our relationship....what would you do?

I would definitely give it to her. Ultimately it’s her Nan not yours. I can’t understand why you’d even want it really - I wouldn’t be bothered having my fiancé’s family’s jewellery and wouldn’t expect to be given it.

 

[Mfranks]

Is the sister in law the ex wife, another SIL still married to a brother or the nans granddaughter? If the granddaughter I would give her the ring. X

 

[Hinchhater1442]

Ok so it’s my husbands sister - so nans grandaughter

i honestly posted as unbiased as I could because I want honest opinions so thank you so far!!

to give you some context:- I don’t have grand parents and never have. I called them nan and grandad. They knew I never had grandparents and always treated me like one of theirs. They’re a very traditional family, when my husband and I got engaged they wanted him to use nans ring- but he never told them he was planning it which I think bothered them as they never got the chance to give him her ring to propose with. (This isn’t the ring I’ve been given though, just for context). Anyway- very close with them to the extent that we planned our wedding day for the day of their anniversary. So we got married on their 62nd wedding anniversary. Sadly, grandad passed away a month before our wedding and we were naturally devastated. Nan then passed away a month after our wedding. It was a very bad time! So anyway the aunts reasoning was that because I didn’t have the ‘actual’ ring they wanted me to have that one. Which I thought was fair/made sense etc.. which is why I never thought twice about it.

for further context. The aunts have specifically told me not to give it to her. So I feel rude to hand it over against their wishes as technically once nan died it was theirs to choose what happened with/to it.
I know I’m not technically her grandaughter which is why I don’t know if I’m rude not to hand it straight over? There’s also some family tension with this particular SIL. She can be perceived to be rude and entitled - I’m trying not to let that cloud my judgement.

husband tells me to absolutely not hand it over

 

[Mfranks]

I think the background gives a different spin on whether you should have the ring. Everyone sees it appropriate that you have the ring so maybe it is best placed with you. I really don't think your rude to not hand it over, you was obviously close and had a good relationship with them so you deserve it.
Devils advocate - originally it wasn't meant for you, so would you miss it if the aunts gave it to your SIL anyways. For her to still think about it 18 months on and dream about it, I feel a bit bad for her. Are you worried about offending the aunts more than wanting to keep it?

 

[blossombloss]

Honestly it sounds like she's telling a massive lie and if her own blood relatives are telling you not to hand it over, it would seem it definitely is a lie.
However, if you really don't think you want it and it doesn't mean much to you I don't see the harm in handing it over. I guess what the problem will be is how your husband and aunt react to it. I mean I get where they are coming from, if she's as annoying as she sounds it's a case of not always giving in to her, but I think you need to think about whether it would be better with her wearing it or just sat in your jewellery box.

Tbh she sounds so annoying, coming over with her dream and what not...I'd have half a mind to tell her to piss off. Whoops edited this because I read the ring was an extra! It sounds like she's at it, but if it doesn't bother you I'd hand it over. I'd make sure she bloody knew you were being VERY kind by doing this.

 

[Hinchhater1442]

Devils advocate - originally it wasn't meant for you, so would you miss it if the aunts gave it to your SIL anyways. For her to still think about it 18 months on and dream about it, I feel a bit bad for her. Are you worried about offending the aunts more than wanting to keep it?

I can’t say I’d miss it if it was never given to me, because despite our close relationship I didn’t feel entitled to anything. When I was given the stuff I burst into tears that she had even considered giving me anything given I wasn’t her grandaughter.
I just think the aunts see through her, they’ve obviously known her longer than me. I try to be sensitive to everyone’s feelings, and I’m delicate in how I write this... she is very vocal about her feelings and mental health. Her dad regularly says he feels guilt tripped by her and I think she is perhaps trying to do the same to me.

to add: I don’t NOT want the ring. It’s a lovely ring, I’ve worn it since on special days e.g birthday, anniversary. Likewise I understand why she wanted it. I just feel very conflicted

 

[judgejohndeed]

I can’t say I’d miss it if it was never given to me, because despite our close relationship I didn’t feel entitled to anything. When I was given the stuff I burst into tears that she had even considered giving me anything given I wasn’t her grandaughter.
I just think the aunts see through her, they’ve obviously known her longer than me. I try to be sensitive to everyone’s feelings, and I’m delicate in how I write this... she is very vocal about her feelings and mental health. Her dad regularly says he feels guilt tripped by her and I think she is perhaps trying to do the same to me.

to add: I don’t NOT want the ring. It’s a lovely ring, I’ve worn it since on special days e.g birthday, anniversary. Likewise I understand why she wanted it. I just feel very conflicted

Can you speak to the aunt about it and ask what they want you to do? That way you can say to her I’ve spoken to the aunt and they want me to keep it. I’d just be very hesitant at refusing a blood relative, even if she is annoying and entitled, you’re not actually in that family and the optics of it are quite bad even though I get now where you’re coming from. if you speak to the aunt about it and can say to her no they’ve said I should keep it sorry then it shifts the decision away from you and back into the family.
Can your husband not speak to her about it or the aunt themselves?

 

[Mfranks]

I think you know what you want to do - keep the ring. Tell her your keeping it and that the decision was made for you to have it and not her. If she's lied about the dream then that's awful & she doesn't deserve it x

 

[littlepup]

Speak to the aunts. Let them decide.
Nan never earmarked it for you so it doesn’t go against her wishes and you have other pieces. I’m not sure I’d even particularly be keen on it if it was earmarked for my OH’s ex.
Don’t let SIL manipulate but pick your battles. It may well be important to her. Did she explain why it was?

 

[Hinchhater1442]

Can you speak to the aunt about it and ask what they want you to do? That way you can say to her I’ve spoken to the aunt and they want me to keep it. I’d just be very hesitant at refusing a blood relative, even if she is annoying and entitled, you’re not actually in that family and the optics of it are quite bad even though I get now where you’re coming from. if you speak to the aunt about it and can say to her no they’ve said I should keep it sorry then it shifts the decision away from you and back into the family.
Can your husband not speak to her about it or the aunt themselves?

This was my initial thoughts- I just didn’t know if I looked like a bit of a witch running to the aunts for back up. I don’t want it to cause a family drama. Honestly when it went around the rumour mill last year I asked then what I should do and they told me to keep it. I told her that when she came over but she was very pressing saying how she doesn’t think it would be wrong for me to hand it over there and then etc. I’m not a confrontational person and I felt very awkward sat in my house knowing it was within my reach but it just didn’t feel right.. I’m not sure if that’s because I let the wrong feelings cloud my judgement though

edit to add: I understand it might look like handing over the ring would eliminate any family drama. But I actually think it will kick start an argument with the aunts about how spoilt and entitled they think she is....

Don’t let SIL manipulate but pick your battles. It may well be important to her. Did she explain why it was?

So she said something along the lines of one day just the two of them were at Nans. Nan was going through her box and SIL said she liked it so it was just a nice memory that day and Nan said she could have it.