Dealing with an awful sister in law

[WilmaHun]

My partner and I have been together 7 years. His Mum, dad and brother are absolutely lovely. His sister on the other hand (4 years older than me and him) can be really awful to me. She has three children by three different men, she does not work, she's currently at college studying some early years learning thing in the hope of becoming a primary teacher. I have no children, I work full time and I am studying a degree in my spare time. I've never once judged her for her situation, I am always nice to her, I treat her kids to gifts, sweets etc all the time. I try really hard. For some reason though she constantly feels the need to undermine me, criticise me and just be downright rude. Some examples:

- You've got quite fat thighs for a skinny girl haven't you?
- Don't you think after 7 years you should have kids?
- Do you actually see yourself getting a degree?
- Have you got any friends? I don't think you've really got anyone have you?
- One or two of your cousins have got fat haven't they?
- I don't know why you've got a car on finance, bit silly if you ask me considering you want a mortgage (nobody asked for her opinion and the reason I financed a car is because the clutch went in mine, I work over an hour away and desperately needed one - not that I should have to explain!!)
- I wish you'd change your hair style, I absolutely hate fringes.
- You dress quite plain really, there's nothing about you that stands out.
- My least favourite - "You need to hurry up if you want children or your kid will be the odd one out cos the rest are grown up. It's weird that you've got to your age without having had any yet considering how long you've been together" - to add some context to this one, I'm 25 which I don't consider old to not have kids!!
- You'd think he'd at least want to marry you or have kids after all this time, wonder what's putting him off.

it's really starting to get me down, every time she comes around I literally want to leave. I live in fear of what she's going to say next! How would you tackle this? They're all just really hurtful things I would never dream of saying to anybody! When she says them I always just go quiet and don't answer as she's one of those who can't be argued with.

ETA: I've expressed to my partner numerous times, and at times have cried to him, about how awful she can be. His response is always "you know what she's like, she'll never change, just learn to ignore it, I have".

 

[judgejohndeed]

Ignoring it is the worst thing to do tbh. If her whole family have ignored her being this way that's why she continues to be this way. Call her out the next time. Don't even have to be rude about it tbh (although I probably would ha)

Edit - I would also have a serious chat with your partner about this because it's his family and he needs to step up. I had an issue a while ago with someone in my partner's family being really vile to me, he pulled her up on it and in the end I did too. It's been fine since. You must say something, it's like a high school bully. Once you stand up to it, it stops.

 

[BettyCrocker]

Just don’t spend any time in her company? Don’t socialise with her, don’t take anything to do with her. Obviously she’s your sister in law so there will be occasions where you’ll have to be in the same room as her but just keep her at arms length, keep it to basic pleasantries and that’s it. You are an adult and you don’t have to take this shite from anyone. She sounds like a bit of an idiot and she’s probably jealous of you which is why she’s full of the bitchy comments; don’t rise to it. She’s not your friend and you don’t have to have anything to do with her.

 

[theghosttown]

What a witch! She’s probably massively insecure and is deflecting onto you.
Your partners response is unacceptable. Just because he has learnt to live with it doesn’t mean you should. He should absolutely speak to her about her behaviour and have your back. I can understand why you’d feel too uncomfortable to do it yourself. One thing I will say is with my sister in law I do let too much slide with her at times and whenever I have had enough and called her out she is genuinely shocked and extremely apologetic.

 

[laughing]

Jealous of you may be.

Smile and nod your head.

Keep your standards. Don't let someone else's standards be yours xxx

 

[Ziggy54321]

I would Just ignore her. Stop socialising with her. You are so nice to her children and this is how she treats you?

She is jealous of you.

 

[WilmaHun]

Thanks for your replies.

Unfortunately it's not easy for me to ignore her, my partner and I currently live with his parents whilst we're waiting for our house purchase to go through. It's only just started so we're looking at another 6 weeks minimum. She's always at her Mums as her Mum is her childcare whilst she's at college so it's unavoidable to see her. I probably need to grow a bit of a back bone, or some thicker skin! I tend to shy away from things like this rather than facing them head on (and I am a wimp and take things to heart to be fair!).

funny enough she's just text me "how much are you spending on each of my kids for Christmas? I only have three but **brother** has four so do mine get extra?". It's none of her business what I'm spending, as long as the kids like what they get it doesn't matter what it costs. I also think it's rude to ask if her kids get more because she has less kids! (The brother is forever telling us not to buy for his kids cos they get enough anyway but we always do!).

I can't imagine being so horrible to someone, or having the audacity to aks how much money they'd spend on my children. Honestly, she has been so nasty at times I've actually considered whether being with my partner is worth the tit I have to take from her.

 

[openbook1]

My partner and I have been together 7 years. His Mum, dad and brother are absolutely lovely. His sister on the other hand (4 years older than me and him) can be really awful to me. She has three children by three different men, she does not work, she's currently at college studying some early years learning thing in the hope of becoming a primary teacher. I have no children, I work full time and I am studying a degree in my spare time. I've never once judged her for her situation, I am always nice to her, I treat her kids to gifts, sweets etc all the time. I try really hard. For some reason though she constantly feels the need to undermine me, criticise me and just be downright rude. Some examples:

- You've got quite fat thighs for a skinny girl haven't you?
- Don't you think after 7 years you should have kids?
- Do you actually see yourself getting a degree?
- Have you got any friends? I don't think you've really got anyone have you?
- One or two of your cousins have got fat haven't they?
- I don't know why you've got a car on finance, bit silly if you ask me considering you want a mortgage (nobody asked for her opinion and the reason I financed a car is because the clutch went in mine, I work over an hour away and desperately needed one - not that I should have to explain!!)
- I wish you'd change your hair style, I absolutely hate fringes.
- You dress quite plain really, there's nothing about you that stands out.
- My least favourite - "You need to hurry up if you want children or your kid will be the odd one out cos the rest are grown up. It's weird that you've got to your age without having had any yet considering how long you've been together" - to add some context to this one, I'm 25 which I don't consider old to not have kids!!
- You'd think he'd at least want to marry you or have kids after all this time, wonder what's putting him off.

it's really starting to get me down, every time she comes around I literally want to leave. I live in fear of what she's going to say next! How would you tackle this? They're all just really hurtful things I would never dream of saying to anybody! When she says them I always just go quiet and don't answer as she's one of those who can't be argued with.

ETA: I've expressed to my partner numerous times, and at times have cried to him, about how awful she can be. His response is always "you know what she's like, she'll never change, just learn to ignore it, I have".

She should not be welcome in your house anymore. Your partner should be sticking up for you, he needs to grow a backbone. If I were you, I would cease all contact. Check out JustNoMIL on Reddit and share your story...they will give advice. Just saw your are not living by yourselves which makes it more tricky. Your husband needs to stand up for you though. And since you can't avoid her, you should call her out on her bullshit. Hard to do at first but very liberating when done.

 

[JoeBloggs]

I would ban her from your house. No one should have to put up with that regardless of who they are. I’d explain to your partner she’s don’t allowed around (obviously when people are allowed) and why. If he wants her, he needs to have a word and get her to play nice.

Edit sorry just seen your living situation. Perhaps humour her. I’d reply and say sorry due to current circumstances their getting an orange each, hope that’s ok. Make a joke of her and see how she likes it.

I’d also perhaps explain to your partner that her behaviour is making you question of you can stay with him as it’s so upsetting. Maybe that would get it through to him?

I’m so sorry she’s being so horrible, you sound so lovely and clearly she’s jealous. Chin up!

 

[BettyCrocker]

Thanks for your replies.

Unfortunately it's not easy for me to ignore her, my partner and I currently live with his parents whilst we're waiting for our house purchase to go through. It's only just started so we're looking at another 6 weeks minimum. She's always at her Mums as her Mum is her childcare whilst she's at college so it's unavoidable to see her. I probably need to grow a bit of a back bone, or some thicker skin! I tend to shy away from things like this rather than facing them head on (and I am a wimp and take things to heart to be fair!).

funny enough she's just text me "how much are you spending on each of my kids for Christmas? I only have three but **brother** has four so do mine get extra?". It's none of her business what I'm spending, as long as the kids like what they get it doesn't matter what it costs. I also think it's rude to ask if her kids get more because she has less kids! (The brother is forever telling us not to buy for his kids cos they get enough anyway but we always do!).

I can't imagine being so horrible to someone, or having the audacity to aks how much money they'd spend on my children. Honestly, she has been so nasty at times I've actually considered whether being with my partner is worth the tit I have to take from her.

ok, when she’s at the house I would be civil - say hello etc but that’s it. If you have to, I’d leave the room or busy yourself with something while she’s around.

Don’t reply to her ridiculous message about the kids xmas presents. You are right - she’s being unbelievably rude to even ask that question!!!!! If she asks you again - in person - just politely say that you haven’t really thought about xmas shopping yet but that the kids will all get a gift to open. If she persists and asks anymore about the value I think at that stage I would have to just tell her that it’s none of her business what you choose to Spend on anyone’s presents.

She knows that she’s making you uncomfortable and she’s pushing it because she knows you won’t bite back - it’s probably time you stood up for yourself and give her some tit back.

 

[Pixipoppy]

100% jealousy. Just pity her, I’m sure she would love to be 25, educated and childless. Your partner really needs to grow a pair and pull her up on it tbh, or just stop seeing her if it’s that bad?

 

[ChloChlo]

She sounds very jealous your sister in law does.

I would start learning some simple but really calmly sarcastic responses and use them.

She has absolutely no right remarking on when you should be starting a family especially. That is a very personal thing.

As for the spending situation at Christmas. I would have smiled and just reminded her that the gifts are for the children, not for her.

 

[FlipFlop0706]

She’s so jealous of you! Agree with others, be civil, say hello etc. Normally i’d suggest just ignoring her apart from this but I think you need to push back a bit now it’s affecting your relationship with your other half who needs to step up and have a word quite frankly!

If he doesn’t, then be pleasant and cordial to her but the VERY second she says something critical to you that is uncalled for, simply look her in the eye and say “That was rude and uncalled for” or “That’s none of your business” with regards to marriage and children and then leave the conversation. You are simply stating the obvious. She IS being rude. By ignoring this, she is going to continue as she obviously feels better about making you feel less. It’s not ok. Hopefully she will feel embarrassed that you called her out and apologise.

As for the present thing, ignore it. If she pushes it, then bounce it back and say “well, there’s only one of me so I’ll make a list of the extra stuff you can buy me!”

 

[Chandler Bing]

I have no advice to give, and I am sorry you are in this situation. What I will say is that if someone treated me that way I would never speak to them again. I don't need people like that in my life and I think you would be better off without too.

 

[bubbadabut]

Vile, hateful woman. Sorry but I'm not the sort to pussyfoot around with this kind of this after dealing with it from my mother-in-law.

I'm sure your partner and his parents are ok but he seriously needs to man up and call her out on this. So do his parents. No excuse for it whatsoever. Ask yourself if you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who doesn't fight your corner when you've done absolutely nothing wrong. The expression 'blood is thicker than water' does not mean he is allowed to let her treat you like tit.

You sound like a lovely person. You deserve better.

 

[Raininvain]

The problem is with YOUR PARTNER.
Are you actually going to marry him and have kids with him when he's spineless and doesn't have your back?
You need to move out of this whole environment if you ask me. It wont get better with her and what's going to happen when you have kids and they see you getting treated like this by her and possibly others? and hes just going to sit there like a lemon? I'd be well gone.

 

[bubbadabut]

funny enough she's just text me "how much are you spending on each of my kids for Christmas? I only have three but **brother** has four so do mine get extra?".

Text back 'nothing you grabby cow'.

The problem is with YOUR PARTNER.
Are you actually going to marry him and have kids with him when he's spineless and doesn't have your back?
You need to move out of this whole environment if you ask me. It wont get better with her and what's going to happen when you have kids and they see you getting treated like this by her and possibly others? and hes just going to sit there like a lemon? I'd be well gone.

Yes. 100%.

 

[Rocknrolla]

She sounds absolutely vile, maybe you should say something along the lines of “3 kids with 3 different men was a bit silly wasn’t it?” Taste of her own medicine, start sticking up for yourself she will have the shock of her life x

 

[Harley]

Speak to your partner and let him know how much it gets to you and that you shouldn’t have to ignore it or put up with it.
Text her back and say that your finances are none of her business and neither is anything else that she expresses unwanted opinions on.
Failing that, kick her in the fanny and tell her to keep her oversized nose out of your life

 

[Facehugger]

She sounds very jealous your sister in law does.

I would start learning some simple but really calmly sarcastic responses and use them.

She has absolutely no right remarking on when you should be starting a family especially. That is a very personal thing.

As for the spending situation at Christmas. I would have smiled and just reminded her that the gifts are for the children, not for her.

Agree with this. I'd love to play the retort game with that madam, honestly, she's only sniping at you through jealousy of some sort.

If she mentions the fat thighs again, tell her 'well your brother doesn't seem to mind when I use them to keep his ears warm' and if she mentions you having kids yet, say 'Nah, I'm waiting until I'm married first thanks'.

Tell her your fringe is to hide the imprint of the wall on your forehead after every time you've banged your head up it after having to listen to her yap, and if she mentions what you're spending on her kids say 'Oh sorry, nothing this year, can't afford it with my new car finance to pay'.

Or just tell her there's a pandemic on at the minute and there are much more important things to worry about than her whining. Seriously though, anything she says to you, just answer 'Ask your brother, sorry, I don't know'.