Dealing with an awful sister in law

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Does she make these comments in front of your partner and your in laws?
I’m surprised they’ve not piped up and put her in her place tbh.

as much as it would feel great to retaliate or treat her the same way, if that’s not naturally the way you behave then don’t stoop to her level. She’s clearly jealous of you. I have a sister in law who’s jealous of me and the life I’ve made with her brother. It bothers me but I don’t rise to it and that really pisses her off 😂
 
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You can do 6 weeks, but you need to disengage
when she makes rude comments, reply w big shocked eyes, that’s a rude thing to say/ask. Then dead silence
when she comes back after school, head to your room. The least you see her, the better

If she says you make me feel bad, you win!
but the response is always I’m sorry you feel that way. Then stop talking

once you move to your new home w your partner, you and he need ground rules for her. Including no dumping her kids! Any rudeness requires her to leave. Now.
 
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I agree with some of the previous comments on this thread. Ignoring her is the worst thing you can do because she's getting away with her bad behaviour and it'll never stop. Like facehugger has suggested, have some retorts prepared. Make sure you laugh loudly so as not to be seen as aggressive but it should put her in her place.

I think this is a wider issue than the SIL though. You're crying to your boyfriend about it and he's telling you that's just how she is!?! What a weakling. Is he a mummy's boy too?
 
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She’s jealous of you, and she’s also a pathetic piece of crap.

I personally do not blame your partner. My own sister in law is not somebody I see eye to eye with at all. I find her selfish, self involved, and immature, although she is older than my husband and me. For many years I said this to my husband and his response was always the same “that’s just Jane” (not her real name!) and his parents are always “oh you know what Jane is like!” Her poor behaviour has been so engrained in their lives for so long they’ve just come to accept it as normal for her, and I can’t blame them for that. They love her because she is theirs, and they have every right to.

It’s only in the last few years that my husband has come round to my way of thinking. He now expects nothing of her, she has let him down too many times.

It’s unreasonable, IMO, to have expected my husband to simply say “you’re right she’s a witch! We’ll never see her again!” based on my say so, despite his knowing and loving her his whole life. He had to arrive there himself, and your partner will, even though it takes time and is soul destroying for you.

In the meantime, remember she’s a twit, the issue is with her, and you do NOT need to grow a thicker skin. You have every right to be hurt by her awful words. But try and remember they come from a place in her which isn’t happy, and she’s taking it out on you. Feel sorry for her, because she’s pathetic.
 
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She’s jealous of you, and she’s also a pathetic piece of crap.

I personally do not blame your partner. My own sister in law is not somebody I see eye to eye with at all. I find her selfish, self involved, and immature, although she is older than my husband and me. For many years I said this to my husband and his response was always the same “that’s just Jane” (not her real name!) and his parents are always “oh you know what Jane is like!” Her poor behaviour has been so engrained in their lives for so long they’ve just come to accept it as normal for her, and I can’t blame them for that. They love her because she is theirs, and they have every right to.

It’s only in the last few years that my husband has come round to my way of thinking. He now expects nothing of her, she has let him down too many times.

It’s unreasonable, IMO, to have expected my husband to simply say “you’re right she’s a witch! We’ll never see her again!” based on my say so, despite his knowing and loving her his whole life. He had to arrive there himself, and your partner will, even though it takes time and is soul destroying for you.

In the meantime, remember she’s a twit, the issue is with her, and you do NOT need to grow a thicker skin. You have every right to be hurt by her awful words. But try and remember they come from a place in her which isn’t happy, and she’s taking it out on you. Feel sorry for her, because she’s pathetic.
How long do you give him though? It's already been 7 years, provided the sister in law has always been that way. Why should she have to suck it up and grow a thicker skin? Why should she the OP feel sorry for someone who is essentially a bully? She should not have to endure a 'soul destroying' wait until her boyfriend may or may not have some kind of epiphany. She's cried to him about it, several times, and he's done nothing. Sister in law's behaviour absolutely needs calling out by the boyfriend and other family.
 
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How long do you give him though? It's already been 7 years, provided the sister in law has always been that way. Why should she have to suck it up and grow a thicker skin? Why should she the OP feel sorry for what is essentially a bully? Her behaviour absolutely needs calling out by the boyfriend and other family.
If you read my post again I actually said she doesn’t need to grow a thicker skin, she has every right to be hurt.

It’s well and good people sitting saying “make your partner call her out! Make his family call her out on her behaviour!” But in reality it isn’t that simple. Say what to you partner “either you sort her or else?” She is his sister, and for all her awful parts I’m sure he still loves her (as my husband does with his sister). You can’t force other people to suddenly change their opinion on a person they love. Trying to do that will lead to heartache. His family have loved his sister for many, many years. They aren’t going to suddenly see her as a monster quickly and easily. Trying to force his parents to do something will alienate OP. Sil is their daughter, they will always choose her. (Not saying that is right. I have been where OP is and I want to shake my in laws for their ridiculous loyalty to their spoilt brat of a daughter)

And yes. I do feel sorry for my sil. Because she admitted before her poor behaviour was jealousy, and I’d imagine OPs SIL is the same. She’s acting atrociously, but how can you not feel sorry for someone who is that discontent with their own life they feel the need to tear others down? It’s so pathetic it’s unreal. Not feel sorry for her like “oh it’s ok, I’ll make you a cup of tea” way. As in I feel sorry for her being such a pathetic human being.
 
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My partner and I have been together 7 years. His Mum, dad and brother are absolutely lovely. His sister on the other hand (4 years older than me and him) can be really awful to me. She has three children by three different men, she does not work, she's currently at college studying some early years learning thing in the hope of becoming a primary teacher. I have no children, I work full time and I am studying a degree in my spare time. I've never once judged her for her situation, I am always nice to her, I treat her kids to gifts, sweets etc all the time. I try really hard. For some reason though she constantly feels the need to undermine me, criticise me and just be downright rude. Some examples:

- You've got quite fat thighs for a skinny girl haven't you?
- Don't you think after 7 years you should have kids?
- Do you actually see yourself getting a degree?
- Have you got any friends? I don't think you've really got anyone have you?
- One or two of your cousins have got fat haven't they?
- I don't know why you've got a car on finance, bit silly if you ask me considering you want a mortgage (nobody asked for her opinion and the reason I financed a car is because the clutch went in mine, I work over an hour away and desperately needed one - not that I should have to explain!!)
- I wish you'd change your hair style, I absolutely hate fringes.
- You dress quite plain really, there's nothing about you that stands out.
- My least favourite - "You need to hurry up if you want children or your kid will be the odd one out cos the rest are grown up. It's weird that you've got to your age without having had any yet considering how long you've been together" - to add some context to this one, I'm 25 which I don't consider old to not have kids!!
- You'd think he'd at least want to marry you or have kids after all this time, wonder what's putting him off.

it's really starting to get me down, every time she comes around I literally want to leave. I live in fear of what she's going to say next! How would you tackle this? They're all just really hurtful things I would never dream of saying to anybody! When she says them I always just go quiet and don't answer as she's one of those who can't be argued with.

ETA: I've expressed to my partner numerous times, and at times have cried to him, about how awful she can be. His response is always "you know what she's like, she'll never change, just learn to ignore it, I have".
Urgh she sounds like a right c***
And as for the that's what she's like... Err no. She needs putting in her place. Or knocking out.
 
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If you read my post again I actually said she doesn’t need to grow a thicker skin, she has every right to be hurt.

It’s well and good people sitting saying “make your partner call her out! Make his family call her out on her behaviour!” But in reality it isn’t that simple. Say what to you partner “either you sort her or else?” She is his sister, and for all her awful parts I’m sure he still loves her (as my husband does with his sister). You can’t force other people to suddenly change their opinion on a person they love. Trying to do that will lead to heartache. His family have loved his sister for many, many years. They aren’t going to suddenly see her as a monster quickly and easily. Trying to force his parents to do something will alienate OP. Sil is their daughter, they will always choose her. (Not saying that is right. I have been where OP is and I want to shake my in laws for their ridiculous loyalty to their spoilt brat of a daughter)

And yes. I do feel sorry for my sil. Because she admitted before her poor behaviour was jealousy, and I’d imagine OPs SIL is the same. She’s acting atrociously, but how can you not feel sorry for someone who is that discontent with their own life they feel the need to tear others down? It’s so pathetic it’s unreal. Not feel sorry for her like “oh it’s ok, I’ll make you a cup of tea” way. As in I feel sorry for her being such a pathetic human being.
Apologies for the thicker skin thing. Misread your post on my mobile.

I don't think OP has actually confirmed this but I'm assuming she's making these comments in front of the other family members. If that is the case then yes, all of them should have at least had the balls to put her in line at some point over the last 7 years. Even if not in front of her, they could have taken her aside and said 'look, this is not on'. Just because sister in law is their daughter doesn't make the parents immune from calling out unreasonable behaviour, no matter how much they love her. They are all enabling the bullying of the OP.
 
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I feel so sorry for you. I’ve been in this position and know how hurtful it can be. I’ve had comments about my appearance...apparently according to SIL I’m funny looking 🙄 told my husband in front of me not to have a vasectomy in case he wants to have kids with someone else.

Stick with it and ignore as much as you can until you can move. And then completely cut her out. I had to do it for the sake of my relationship and my sanity. It was hard at first but now my life is so much easier and stress free without her. I know it’s hard with family but your other half should really say something though if she’s being that disrespectful to you.
 
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Apologies for the thicker skin thing. Misread your post on my mobile.

I don't think OP has actually confirmed this but I'm assuming she's making these comments in front of the other family members. If that is the case then yes, all of them should have at least had the balls to put her in line at some point over the last 7 years. Even if not in front of her, they could have taken her aside and said 'look, this is not on'. Just because sister in law is their daughter doesn't make the parents immune from calling out unreasonable behaviour, no matter how much they love her.
I agree 100%! And I have vowed to be the first to call my kids out on any poor behaviour they show - especially as adults - because of how I’ve seen my own in laws watch SIL treat my husband poorly and done NOTHING (I’m getting angry remembering it all 🤣)

But the problem is they probably don’t actually see what she is doing as a problem. They’ve lived with it so long they are immune to it. I’m not saying that’s right, but they’ll see it as a personality quirk, rather than wha it truly is - their daughter being a horrible person. And that isn’t easy to change.
 
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She sounds a delight!
what a horrible situation to be in.
It sounds like their parents have just ignored her behaviour which is how she’s got away with it and probably why your partner now just brushes it off. Not that it excuses it!
Stick it out until you are ready to move out of his parents and tell your partner she won’t be welcome in your home and he needs to speak to her.
Would be interesting to know what your partners brother thinks of her/the situation.
 
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Family dynamics can be problematic especially if they are your partners family. I might be the unpopular opinion but I would say ignore as much of it as you can. I don't know what kind of personality your partner has but some find it hard to say things to their own family which can make you feel unsupported.

WIth my in-laws for the most part I bite my tongue and when I do say something it will be more of a gentle "question" that makes them look bad. Like for example if she said " How much are you spending on my Kids?" my reply would be "Would you like it if I asked about your finances? etc

To me it just sounds like insecurity and jealousy of your relationship and what you are busy achieving. Often times they get away with it because the family is so used to it.

Could you possibly talk to your MIL about it? And ask for her help?
 
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My partner and I have been together 7 years. His Mum, dad and brother are absolutely lovely. His sister on the other hand (4 years older than me and him) can be really awful to me. She has three children by three different men, she does not work, she's currently at college studying some early years learning thing in the hope of becoming a primary teacher. I have no children, I work full time and I am studying a degree in my spare time. I've never once judged her for her situation, I am always nice to her, I treat her kids to gifts, sweets etc all the time. I try really hard. For some reason though she constantly feels the need to undermine me, criticise me and just be downright rude. Some examples:

- You've got quite fat thighs for a skinny girl haven't you?
- Don't you think after 7 years you should have kids?
- Do you actually see yourself getting a degree?
- Have you got any friends? I don't think you've really got anyone have you?
- One or two of your cousins have got fat haven't they?
- I don't know why you've got a car on finance, bit silly if you ask me considering you want a mortgage (nobody asked for her opinion and the reason I financed a car is because the clutch went in mine, I work over an hour away and desperately needed one - not that I should have to explain!!)
- I wish you'd change your hair style, I absolutely hate fringes.
- You dress quite plain really, there's nothing about you that stands out.
- My least favourite - "You need to hurry up if you want children or your kid will be the odd one out cos the rest are grown up. It's weird that you've got to your age without having had any yet considering how long you've been together" - to add some context to this one, I'm 25 which I don't consider old to not have kids!!
- You'd think he'd at least want to marry you or have kids after all this time, wonder what's putting him off.

it's really starting to get me down, every time she comes around I literally want to leave. I live in fear of what she's going to say next! How would you tackle this? They're all just really hurtful things I would never dream of saying to anybody! When she says them I always just go quiet and don't answer as she's one of those who can't be argued with.

ETA: I've expressed to my partner numerous times, and at times have cried to him, about how awful she can be. His response is always "you know what she's like, she'll never change, just learn to ignore it, I have".
She sounds horribly insecure & needs putting back in her box. I wouldn’t even answer the Christmas text.
I’m annoyed that other people are obviously witness to this given your living situation. Your partner needs to grow a pair & stick up for you. How can he sit back & watch it go on? Does his mother see it too? How does she react? Is she the youngest in the family? I’m asking because my SIL the baby of the family can do no wrong & she’s a nasty piece of work. MIL just thinks it’s all hilarious.
 
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Im so sorry you are going through this. One of my SIL is a nightmare so feel your pain. It sounds like she is desperately trying to get a rise out of you, my advice would be to sicken her with kindness infront of everyone! If she says anything hurtful or horrible to you on your own when there’s no one else around, call her out on it and tell her you aren’t going anywhere!!!! She is trying to bully you and be little you. 6 weeks will fly by, don’t let her break you!! Your partner also needs to understand that you shouldn’t have to deal with her behaving like that towards you, men sometimes just don’t get how hurtful it can be 🤦🏻‍♀️ xxxxx
 
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My take on it is that it’s jealousy. If she’s a single mum of three with no prospects that’s why she wants you to get sprogged up ASAP. It’s hard when it’s your other halves family.
She’s obviously made questionable life choices and it sounds like you’re sensible so she’s not happy about that.

unfortunately it sounds like that’s just the way she is, rude and tactless so I would keep my distance as much as you can and don’t rise to the bait.
 
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Why did you move into his parents OP knowing full well what shes like and how spineless your partner is?
Could you move out right now and go to your parents or another family members/friends to stay?
If I was actually crying to my partner and he chose to do nothing about this and be dismissive then that would be enough for me it really would. I honestly think you have some serious thinking to do about your relationship.
I think you deserve better than this.
 
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Thanks again everyone for your responses. It’s nice to know the general consensus is that I’m not being a wimp here and she is definitely just an awful person.

To add some context and answer some of the questions raised:
- we moved to his because my parents house is overcrowded as it is and they had more room. I think I underestimated just how much I would be subject to her company
- I don’t think my partner is spineless at all. She gets nasty with absolutely anybody who tries to pull her up. Her own Mum commented on something she said about my partner once and the sisters reply was “I better not argue with you or you’ll have another mental breakdown and try to blame it on me rather than your own instability “. He knows how nasty she can get and I think he’s worried if he says something she will only get worse - I think in his mind it’s better to ignore it now than to let her know she’s bothering me because she’d likely just use it as further ammunition.
- she does Get nasty with everyone it seems, she just makes out of order comments all the time but I seem to get the very worst of it. The impression I get is that her family are scared to argue with her because they know they’ll never win.
- the brother has very little time for her. He doesn’t let his kids spend time round hers unless he’s there because he says he notices a clear change in his children’s behaviour if they spend too much time with her kids. (one of her boys can be really naughty). The brother knows how I feel and what I out up with but he agrees she will likely only get worse.

one thing I forgot to tell you about was a cervical cancer scare I had at the start of the year, I told my mother in law what was going on, she stupidly mentioned it to the sister. When at a family gathering (pre-Covid) the sister decided to tell the whole family that “shes got problems down there so needs to hurry up if she wants kids”. Needless to say I left immediately. On this occasion my partner said “you are really a bleep sometimes” and followed me out. She seemed unphased by what she’d done.

I intend to speak to my partner today about it and say that I don’t want her in our house when we move. I don’t want to lose contact with the children though.
 
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I can't believe that there are people who are damm well rude and your SIL is one of them. She's clearly jealous as she wants the life you have but wont admit it.
Does she say these awful things to you in front of other people? If so what do they say about it?
If your partner really cares for you he should protect you and he can see how its affected you then he needs to have a quiet word with his sister.
As for the Xmas presents its not about the monetary value of gifts. Is she going to say the same to the 3 Fathers of her kids as one childs dad could spend more than the other Dads. I bet she doesn't.

I was in similar situation where my FIL was rude he said something insulting to me in front of my husband and MIL and not one of them backed me up.
I went to Birmingham on a 2 day course and had an open rail ticket and company credit card and told my husband whilst i was there if he didnt stand up for me and confront his dad then i wouldn't be coming home.
My FIL denied saying it but did get an apology.

Stand your ground, you don't deserve to be treated like this x
 
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Stand up for yourself. Read her to filth. Pick apart everything that's wrong with the witch. That's what I'd do anyway, got no time for fuckery like that.
 
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She sounds horrendous. That comment to the mum is just horrific.

I understand why they put up with it to keep a relationship with her and with the kids.

And I really commend you on wanting to keep your relationship up with the kids as well, despite their mother being such a twit.
 
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