Dealing with an awful sister in law

[BettyCrocker]

Just don’t spend any time in her company? Don’t socialise with her, don’t take anything to do with her. Obviously she’s your sister in law so there will be occasions where you’ll have to be in the same room as her but just keep her at arms length, keep it to basic pleasantries and that’s it. You are an adult and you don’t have to take this shite from anyone. She sounds like a bit of an idiot and she’s probably jealous of you which is why she’s full of the bitchy comments; don’t rise to it. She’s not your friend and you don’t have to have anything to do with her.

 

[WilmaHun]

Just resurrecting this thread as my sister in law has bloody done it again. She's been being quite friendly recently, texting me often (mainly to talk about herself but at least she's making an effort). I've been keeping her at arms length but being polite all the same.

Anyway, she asked me what I'd call my little boy if I had one (I'm desperate for children but the time isn't right, I've also had a few health issues which have slowed things down -she knows that.) I told her exactly what it would be, and said reason being both my grandads were called that, so were their Dads so would want to carry the name on. I thought she was just making friendly chit chat. She is pregnant so I should have known her intentions but I didn't even think.

Low and behold, today she's sent me a picture of a personalised pram blanket and the name embroidered on is the name I told her I'd call my child. At this point I'm thinking she just does these things for a reaction. I shouldn't even be angry as I'm not pregnant, so I can't stop people using that name but I feel like she's done it maliciously. Boyfriend thinks I'm overthinking it but at the same time said "well when it is our turn we'll just use that name anyway"

 

[WilmaHun]

Thanks for your replies.

Unfortunately it's not easy for me to ignore her, my partner and I currently live with his parents whilst we're waiting for our house purchase to go through. It's only just started so we're looking at another 6 weeks minimum. She's always at her Mums as her Mum is her childcare whilst she's at college so it's unavoidable to see her. I probably need to grow a bit of a back bone, or some thicker skin! I tend to shy away from things like this rather than facing them head on (and I am a wimp and take things to heart to be fair!).

funny enough she's just text me "how much are you spending on each of my kids for Christmas? I only have three but **brother** has four so do mine get extra?". It's none of her business what I'm spending, as long as the kids like what they get it doesn't matter what it costs. I also think it's rude to ask if her kids get more because she has less kids! (The brother is forever telling us not to buy for his kids cos they get enough anyway but we always do!).

I can't imagine being so horrible to someone, or having the audacity to aks how much money they'd spend on my children. Honestly, she has been so nasty at times I've actually considered whether being with my partner is worth the shit I have to take from her.

 

[Raininvain]

The problem is with YOUR PARTNER.
Are you actually going to marry him and have kids with him when he's spineless and doesn't have your back?
You need to move out of this whole environment if you ask me. It wont get better with her and what's going to happen when you have kids and they see you getting treated like this by her and possibly others? and hes just going to sit there like a lemon? I'd be well gone.

 

[WilmaHun]

My partner and I have been together 7 years. His Mum, dad and brother are absolutely lovely. His sister on the other hand (4 years older than me and him) can be really awful to me. She has three children by three different men, she does not work, she's currently at college studying some early years learning thing in the hope of becoming a primary teacher. I have no children, I work full time and I am studying a degree in my spare time. I've never once judged her for her situation, I am always nice to her, I treat her kids to gifts, sweets etc all the time. I try really hard. For some reason though she constantly feels the need to undermine me, criticise me and just be downright rude. Some examples:

- You've got quite fat thighs for a skinny girl haven't you?
- Don't you think after 7 years you should have kids?
- Do you actually see yourself getting a degree?
- Have you got any friends? I don't think you've really got anyone have you?
- One or two of your cousins have got fat haven't they?
- I don't know why you've got a car on finance, bit silly if you ask me considering you want a mortgage (nobody asked for her opinion and the reason I financed a car is because the clutch went in mine, I work over an hour away and desperately needed one - not that I should have to explain!!)
- I wish you'd change your hair style, I absolutely hate fringes.
- You dress quite plain really, there's nothing about you that stands out.
- My least favourite - "You need to hurry up if you want children or your kid will be the odd one out cos the rest are grown up. It's weird that you've got to your age without having had any yet considering how long you've been together" - to add some context to this one, I'm 25 which I don't consider old to not have kids!!
- You'd think he'd at least want to marry you or have kids after all this time, wonder what's putting him off.

it's really starting to get me down, every time she comes around I literally want to leave. I live in fear of what she's going to say next! How would you tackle this? They're all just really hurtful things I would never dream of saying to anybody! When she says them I always just go quiet and don't answer as she's one of those who can't be argued with.

ETA: I've expressed to my partner numerous times, and at times have cried to him, about how awful she can be. His response is always "you know what she's like, she'll never change, just learn to ignore it, I have".

 

[Facehugger]

She sounds very jealous your sister in law does.

I would start learning some simple but really calmly sarcastic responses and use them.

She has absolutely no right remarking on when you should be starting a family especially. That is a very personal thing.

As for the spending situation at Christmas. I would have smiled and just reminded her that the gifts are for the children, not for her.

Agree with this. I'd love to play the retort game with that madam, honestly, she's only sniping at you through jealousy of some sort.

If she mentions the fat thighs again, tell her 'well your brother doesn't seem to mind when I use them to keep his ears warm' and if she mentions you having kids yet, say 'Nah, I'm waiting until I'm married first thanks'.

Tell her your fringe is to hide the imprint of the wall on your forehead after every time you've banged your head up it after having to listen to her yap, and if she mentions what you're spending on her kids say 'Oh sorry, nothing this year, can't afford it with my new car finance to pay'.

Or just tell her there's a pandemic on at the minute and there are much more important things to worry about than her whining. Seriously though, anything she says to you, just answer 'Ask your brother, sorry, I don't know'.

 

[blueberrylane]

Hello all, I’m writing to say I’ve split from my partner. This was all too much and despite being together for so long, his family and sister drove us apart behind my back and I can never win against that. I just want to say thank you for the support from when I originally posted here, things will get better but it hurts just now. Take care all of you x

 

[judgejohndeed]

Ignoring it is the worst thing to do tbh. If her whole family have ignored her being this way that's why she continues to be this way. Call her out the next time. Don't even have to be rude about it tbh (although I probably would ha)

Edit - I would also have a serious chat with your partner about this because it's his family and he needs to step up. I had an issue a while ago with someone in my partner's family being really vile to me, he pulled her up on it and in the end I did too. It's been fine since. You must say something, it's like a high school bully. Once you stand up to it, it stops.

 

[judgejohndeed]

If you don’t have much to do with her I’d still call your own baby that when the time comes.

Definitely this and when the family ask ‘oh how come you chose the same name as SIL’ I would 100% say ‘well SIL knew I was going to use this name as it’s been in my family for years, we had a whole conversation about it, so really she’s picked the same name as me ’ set the record straight. Let people know what she’s done.

 

[Guiltypleasure]

Let’s just hope when the baby is born they got the gender wrong and it’s a girl

she sounds awful, you have every right to be upset or angry. I would just try and distance yourself, continue to be polite but just from afar!

 

[theghosttown]

What a witch! She’s probably massively insecure and is deflecting onto you.
Your partners response is unacceptable. Just because he has learnt to live with it doesn’t mean you should. He should absolutely speak to her about her behaviour and have your back. I can understand why you’d feel too uncomfortable to do it yourself. One thing I will say is with my sister in law I do let too much slide with her at times and whenever I have had enough and called her out she is genuinely shocked and extremely apologetic.

 

[WilmaHun]

Thanks again everyone for your responses. It’s nice to know the general consensus is that I’m not being a wimp here and she is definitely just an awful person.

To add some context and answer some of the questions raised:
- we moved to his because my parents house is overcrowded as it is and they had more room. I think I underestimated just how much I would be subject to her company
- I don’t think my partner is spineless at all. She gets nasty with absolutely anybody who tries to pull her up. Her own Mum commented on something she said about my partner once and the sisters reply was “I better not argue with you or you’ll have another mental breakdown and try to blame it on me rather than your own instability “. He knows how nasty she can get and I think he’s worried if he says something she will only get worse - I think in his mind it’s better to ignore it now than to let her know she’s bothering me because she’d likely just use it as further ammunition.
- she does Get nasty with everyone it seems, she just makes out of order comments all the time but I seem to get the very worst of it. The impression I get is that her family are scared to argue with her because they know they’ll never win.
- the brother has very little time for her. He doesn’t let his kids spend time round hers unless he’s there because he says he notices a clear change in his children’s behaviour if they spend too much time with her kids. (one of her boys can be really naughty). The brother knows how I feel and what I out up with but he agrees she will likely only get worse.

one thing I forgot to tell you about was a cervical cancer scare I had at the start of the year, I told my mother in law what was going on, she stupidly mentioned it to the sister. When at a family gathering (pre-Covid) the sister decided to tell the whole family that “shes got problems down there so needs to hurry up if she wants kids”. Needless to say I left immediately. On this occasion my partner said “you are really a cunt sometimes” and followed me out. She seemed unphased by what she’d done.

I intend to speak to my partner today about it and say that I don’t want her in our house when we move. I don’t want to lose contact with the children though.

 

[Pixipoppy]

100% jealousy. Just pity her, I’m sure she would love to be 25, educated and childless. Your partner really needs to grow a pair and pull her up on it tbh, or just stop seeing her if it’s that bad?

 

[laughing]

Jealous of you may be.

Smile and nod your head.

Keep your standards. Don't let someone else's standards be yours xxx

 

[JoeBloggs]

I would ban her from your house. No one should have to put up with that regardless of who they are. I’d explain to your partner she’s don’t allowed around (obviously when people are allowed) and why. If he wants her, he needs to have a word and get her to play nice.

Edit sorry just seen your living situation. Perhaps humour her. I’d reply and say sorry due to current circumstances their getting an orange each, hope that’s ok. Make a joke of her and see how she likes it.

I’d also perhaps explain to your partner that her behaviour is making you question of you can stay with him as it’s so upsetting. Maybe that would get it through to him?

I’m so sorry she’s being so horrible, you sound so lovely and clearly she’s jealous. Chin up!

 

[BettyCrocker]

Thanks for your replies.

Unfortunately it's not easy for me to ignore her, my partner and I currently live with his parents whilst we're waiting for our house purchase to go through. It's only just started so we're looking at another 6 weeks minimum. She's always at her Mums as her Mum is her childcare whilst she's at college so it's unavoidable to see her. I probably need to grow a bit of a back bone, or some thicker skin! I tend to shy away from things like this rather than facing them head on (and I am a wimp and take things to heart to be fair!).

funny enough she's just text me "how much are you spending on each of my kids for Christmas? I only have three but **brother** has four so do mine get extra?". It's none of her business what I'm spending, as long as the kids like what they get it doesn't matter what it costs. I also think it's rude to ask if her kids get more because she has less kids! (The brother is forever telling us not to buy for his kids cos they get enough anyway but we always do!).

I can't imagine being so horrible to someone, or having the audacity to aks how much money they'd spend on my children. Honestly, she has been so nasty at times I've actually considered whether being with my partner is worth the shit I have to take from her.

ok, when she’s at the house I would be civil - say hello etc but that’s it. If you have to, I’d leave the room or busy yourself with something while she’s around.

Don’t reply to her ridiculous message about the kids xmas presents. You are right - she’s being unbelievably rude to even ask that question!!!!! If she asks you again - in person - just politely say that you haven’t really thought about xmas shopping yet but that the kids will all get a gift to open. If she persists and asks anymore about the value I think at that stage I would have to just tell her that it’s none of her business what you choose to Spend on anyone’s presents.

She knows that she’s making you uncomfortable and she’s pushing it because she knows you won’t bite back - it’s probably time you stood up for yourself and give her some shit back.

 

[Alexaj]

Oh my word, what a tool. Boyfriend thinks you're overthinking? I'd suggest boyfriend has his head stuck in the sand.

 

[Definitelyme]

She’s jealous of you, and she’s also a pathetic piece of crap.

I personally do not blame your partner. My own sister in law is not somebody I see eye to eye with at all. I find her selfish, self involved, and immature, although she is older than my husband and me. For many years I said this to my husband and his response was always the same “that’s just Jane” (not her real name!) and his parents are always “oh you know what Jane is like!” Her poor behaviour has been so engrained in their lives for so long they’ve just come to accept it as normal for her, and I can’t blame them for that. They love her because she is theirs, and they have every right to.

It’s only in the last few years that my husband has come round to my way of thinking. He now expects nothing of her, she has let him down too many times.

It’s unreasonable, IMO, to have expected my husband to simply say “you’re right she’s a witch! We’ll never see her again!” based on my say so, despite his knowing and loving her his whole life. He had to arrive there himself, and your partner will, even though it takes time and is soul destroying for you.

In the meantime, remember she’s a twat, the issue is with her, and you do NOT need to grow a thicker skin. You have every right to be hurt by her awful words. But try and remember they come from a place in her which isn’t happy, and she’s taking it out on you. Feel sorry for her, because she’s pathetic.

 

[WilmaHun]

She’s an absolute asshole. she’s a manipulative piece of shit. I’m done giving her chances and keeping up appearances for the sake of keeping peace in the family, so so done.

she had an argument with a family member (other half’s cousin). I was not present when it happened. I’m not particularly close to the cousin but always friendly and polite. Anyway, SIL text me about the argument she’d had. Asking my opinion. Slagging the cousin off to me. Asking me to text the cousin defending her! I simply replied “I really don’t want to be involved, I understand youre upset by the situation but I wasn’t present, I don’t know what happened other than the short run down you’ve given me. I don’t want to be seen as taking sides nor Do I want to be involved, please can you leave me out of it?”. I thought this was a reasonable and fair thing to say.

Next thing I know I have MIL on the phone telling me “ you need to apologise for the way you spoke to her” “why you getting an attitude with her”
I was stunned. I sent screenshots of the convo to MIL to prove i did nothing wrong. SIL then phones me “why you trying to turn my own mum against me”
WTF!!!!!
she’s not right in the head, I’m sure. im so upset and I don’t even know why I let her get to me. My other half called SIL and MIL telling them to leave me out their bullshit. Gave them some home truths. SIL turns round and says “she’s manipulated you too to turn against me!” he hung up. Shes awful.

 

[Alexaj]

I agree with some of the previous comments on this thread. Ignoring her is the worst thing you can do because she's getting away with her bad behaviour and it'll never stop. Like facehugger has suggested, have some retorts prepared. Make sure you laugh loudly so as not to be seen as aggressive but it should put her in her place.

I think this is a wider issue than the SIL though. You're crying to your boyfriend about it and he's telling you that's just how she is!?! What a weakling. Is he a mummy's boy too?