Dead Parent Club

[GalaxyGirl70]

I had very good bereavement counselling via Sue Ryder. My Dad spent a month in one of their hospices before going to a nursing home, and the Consultant he was under pushed me to talk to someone as Dad's cancer was brutal - his last week of life is something that will haunt me forever, and I honestly don't know how I'd have coped in those early weeks after his death without seeing someone. They also have a community online that is really good for chatting to people who know exactly how you're feeling/dealing with things. I've found that a great help too.

I'm so not a counselling person at all (have tried a few times in the past), but I really do rate bereavement counselling. You need to be able to let out the things in your head that you're too worried to say to loved ones in case you scare them...

 

[New-Yark]

I started grief counselling this week coming up on six months since my loss. I said things in my first session that I haven’t said to any of my loved ones, even though I thought I was open with them etc. I’m still in early days myself but I think it’s important for me to have this counselling, not only to deal with my own trauma but to be able to be there for my other family members who need help in their healing. Hugs to you @Susspicious, I hope you can get some sessions via NHS or similar, you were so young to suffer this and your lovely mum far too young too x

 

[Susspicious]

@Susspicious that sounds so hard, I’m so sorry for your loss for you and your siblings.

If you can I would definitely recommend going back and having some focused grief counselling. You could well be struggling with trauma from the loss, I definitely did. It took me about a year to say to the GP I needed it, I had 6 sessions and it really helped to talk about it. Offload, cry, say all the things I wanted to but didn’t want to tell my partner (totally understand about not telling him, it’s very normal to not want to share these thoughts outloud with people IN your life). About 2 years after my initial course I have gone back to private therapy to deal with it again, the initial sessions helped the shock and trauma aspect but I needed more to deal with the sadness and grief, if that makes sense. It has really helped. Xx
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@Susspicious sorry I see that money is a factor in not going to private therapy. There might be free services and support groups you can join if you feel up to it.
I can’t tell you how much it helped to talk to someone unrelated, I know it doesn’t help everyone but it was the turning point for me x

Thank you so much for your thoughtful reply. I’m so sorry for your loss, too. It’s very encouraging to hear that counseling helped you. I’m definitely going to go back to my GP and say that my therapy for OCD can only help so much when I’m preoccupied with grieving so deeply at the moment. I hadn’t actually thought to look for other free services (like local groups and charities) so I’m going to look into that as well. And thank you for the reassurance that it’s okay to not be able to talk about these things to those closest to us. xxx
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I started grief counselling this week coming up on six months since my loss. I said things in my first session that I haven’t said to any of my loved ones, even though I thought I was open with them etc. I’m still in early days myself but I think it’s important for me to have this counselling, not only to deal with my own trauma but to be able to be there for my other family members who need help in their healing. Hugs to you @Susspicious, I hope you can get some sessions via NHS or similar, you were so young to suffer this and your lovely mum far too young too x

Thank you so much for your lovely reply. I’m so sorry for your loss, and that you’re going through this, too. I wish you so much luck and encouragement with your therapy - I really hope it helps you enormously. You’re very kind for making sure you look after yourself so that you can also look after others. xxx

 

[comment on life]

I have commented on this thread before. My Mam died in August after a 20 month battle with cancer. I was her sole carer at home until she went to a hospice. Nobody made it there on time the day that she died. They phoned at 9.29am to say she had "taken a turn" and at 9.34 she was gone.

Last Friday my Aunt (Mammys sister) had a heart attack. She was gone for 13 mins before the paramedics managed to revive her. We were told she had "minimal brain activity" as a result. She spent 3 nights in the ICU hooked up to every machine under the sun. Last night she passed away and now we are preparing for another funeral not even 6 months since the last one.

My Dad passed away before I was born. Mammy is gone. Now my Aunt too. It feels like everytime someone passes they take a piece of my soul. I just can't fathom how such pain and hardship can be justified. Everybody leaves whether they want to or not

 

[yankydoo]

I have commented on this thread before. My Mam died in August after a 20 month battle with cancer. I was her sole carer at home until she went to a hospice. Nobody made it there on time the day that she died. They phoned at 9.29am to say she had "taken a turn" and at 9.34 she was gone.

Last Friday my Aunt (Mammys sister) had a heart attack. She was gone for 13 mins before the paramedics managed to revive her. We were told she had "minimal brain activity" as a result. She spent 3 nights in the ICU hooked up to every machine under the sun. Last night she passed away and now we are preparing for another funeral not even 6 months since the last one.

My Dad passed away before I was born. Mammy is gone. Now my Aunt too. It feels like everytime someone passes they take a piece of my soul. I just can't fathom how such pain and hardship can be justified. Everybody leaves whether they want to or not

Really sorry this has happened. Sending you love

 

[InkHeart]

My father, the person I have had the biggest connection with in the whole of my life, died in the autumn after a decade of cancer.

I've been having trouble with this young man at work being a real tit to me. He knew about my dad and was on the surface very caring to me when it happened. But just before Christmas he gave me a very nasty email about something work related and signed off with "Other than that, have a delightful Christmas!"

Last week, he had to have a disciplinary meeting about other aspects of his behaviour towards me, and was forced to give me an apology. I spoke to him about his email and mentioned that I thought it was callous of him to say "Have a delightful Christmas" when he knew my father died a matter of weeks ago. He seemed genuinely confused and said, "That was a long time ago. It was - October?" This adult was genuinely surprised that my father dying in October might have affected my Christmas. What a bleep.

 

[NoHintOfDrama]

My father, the person I have had the biggest connection with in the whole of my life, died in the autumn after a decade of cancer.

I've been having trouble with this young man at work being a real tit to me. He knew about my dad and was on the surface very caring to me when it happened. But just before Christmas he gave me a very nasty email about something work related and signed off with "Other than that, have a delightful Christmas!"

Last week, he had to have a disciplinary meeting about other aspects of his behaviour towards me, and was forced to give me an apology. I spoke to him about his email and mentioned that I thought it was callous of him to say "Have a delightful Christmas" when he knew my father died a matter of weeks ago. He seemed genuinely confused and said, "That was a long time ago. It was - October?" This adult was genuinely surprised that my father dying in October might have affected my Christmas. What a bleep.

Some people have literally no idea. My husband (who is usually pretty sensitive) said to me six weeks after my mum died ‘are you still going on about that?’ Even our autistic, pretty emotionless son cringed.
he is 7 years older than me at 56 and still has both his parents whereas both mine are gone. So he genuinely has no idea.

 

[Purple star]

I have commented on this thread before. My Mam died in August after a 20 month battle with cancer. I was her sole carer at home until she went to a hospice. Nobody made it there on time the day that she died. They phoned at 9.29am to say she had "taken a turn" and at 9.34 she was gone.

Last Friday my Aunt (Mammys sister) had a heart attack. She was gone for 13 mins before the paramedics managed to revive her. We were told she had "minimal brain activity" as a result. She spent 3 nights in the ICU hooked up to every machine under the sun. Last night she passed away and now we are preparing for another funeral not even 6 months since the last one.

My Dad passed away before I was born. Mammy is gone. Now my Aunt too. It feels like everytime someone passes they take a piece of my soul. I just can't fathom how such pain and hardship can be justified. Everybody leaves whether they want to or not

Am so sorry you have had to go through all this sadness ..Life really isn’t fair .. I sometimes think why some people have to go through so much and others don’t .

 

[Blockster]

Some people have literally no idea. My husband (who is usually pretty sensitive) said to me six weeks after my mum died ‘are you still going on about that?’ Even our autistic, pretty emotionless son cringed.
he is 7 years older than me at 56 and still has both his parents whereas both mine are gone. So he genuinely has no idea.

People have no idea I call it Soap Opera Grief. In soaps someone dies and they have an episode of mourning, an episode of the funeral and then a couple of weeks later they are back to normal.

 

[GalaxyGirl70]

It's a year on saturday since my dad passed away. There are days when the grief feels no less raw than it did back then. Other days I can contain it.

I don't know how the hell you put it to one side and "move on". And in many ways, I don't want to either.

 

[Loppylou89]

It's a year on saturday since my dad passed away. There are days when the grief feels no less raw than it did back then. Other days I can contain it.

I don't know how the hell you put it to one side and "move on". And in many ways, I don't want to either.

I don't believe you can put it to one side, you just learn to work along side it

 

[Purple star]

I don't believe you can put it to one side, you just learn to work along side it

It never goes away ..Some days it just feels really heavy and harder to deal with …

 

[ElChanguito]

My father, the person I have had the biggest connection with in the whole of my life, died in the autumn after a decade of cancer.

I've been having trouble with this young man at work being a real tit to me. He knew about my dad and was on the surface very caring to me when it happened. But just before Christmas he gave me a very nasty email about something work related and signed off with "Other than that, have a delightful Christmas!"

Last week, he had to have a disciplinary meeting about other aspects of his behaviour towards me, and was forced to give me an apology. I spoke to him about his email and mentioned that I thought it was callous of him to say "Have a delightful Christmas" when he knew my father died a matter of weeks ago. He seemed genuinely confused and said, "That was a long time ago. It was - October?" This adult was genuinely surprised that my father dying in October might have affected my Christmas. What a bleep.

I’m really sorry he behaved like this. What a total hole.

When my Dad was very sick and distressed with COPD lung disease, and I was trying to look after him every day, I would get weekly emails from my mum’s sister in which she would purposely never ask how he was and would always end, “Anyway, hope all’s good with you.” She knew full well all was very much not good with us. It drove me crazy, it was almost teenage in its blatant insensitivity.

 

[yankydoo]

It's my dad's birthday today. Second one without him here :-(

 

[TheStrawberryThief]

Sometimes when I am setting the table for a family dinner I pick up the wrong number of knives and forks. It always bothers me. I need three and pick up four without thinking, because that still feels like the right number. It makes me feel upset, but then I feel silly for being upset about bloody knives and forks, and that makes me feel worse for reasons I can't really explain.

It also makes me sad that my Dad never got to meet my partner. We started dating during covid, and by the time restrictions were lifting Dad was having chemo and was to ill to see visitors.

 

[InkHeart]

My dad only died very recently, but I knew it was coming for a long time. For anyone who has lost a parent longer ago, does the 'talking to them in your head' ever lessen or stop? I find I am still having imaginary conversations with him, in the same way you do with people who you are planning on speaking to again. I wonder if I am in the denial stage of grief, or is this something I will have forever?

 

[Aliali23]

I suddenly and tragically lost my dad recently, 3 weeks before my baby was born. His first grandson. The stab in the heart feeling is awful isn't it, that feeling you get when you think 'must tell dad that' but then remember their gone all in one thought. The loss of presence is so obvious in a room. I've been completely numb to after the initial shock and grief, think my mind just had to in order to deal with a newborn. I understand everyone's pain. It's a crap club to be in, but good to know people understand how I feel x

 

[ATV2021]

My dad only died very recently, but I knew it was coming for a long time. For anyone who has lost a parent longer ago, does the 'talking to them in your head' ever lessen or stop? I find I am still having imaginary conversations with him, in the same way you do with people who you are planning on speaking to again. I wonder if I am in the denial stage of grief, or is this something I will have forever?

I lost my parents by time I was 28 (mid 30s now), and I wouldn't say I necessarily talk to Mum (never close to my Dad), but she is on my mind at some point every single day and has been for 7 years. Its not sad thoughts, I dont feel sad or anything but they're just "there". I don't mind her being there when they're not causing me upset but like many, you'll have had anticipatory grief for a while, then this odd stage and sounds as if you're still really early in, for which I'm sorry for your loss . Mine was always going oh must text her about whatever then realising I couldn't.

The early days I can't really remember, how I managed what I did upon reflection stuns me (had to move/sort a mortgage/will/house clearance everything - I'd fail to do that now!) so potentially was too numb.

I think everyone feels and reacts so differently. I thought I'd spend everyday sad forever, but I haven't. I rarely cry or get sad now as this is life now so I have to just carry it on. Probably become more blunt since, especially around death. I lost my maternal grandparents 3 years after her and had no reaction at all. Maybe that is the reaction or a protective factor I don't know.

It does get easier - if it doesn't, there is alot of support and resources out there. The first year is a wild mix of emotions - everything from raw grief to guilt if you have a happy day until one day the pain eases a bit and you just live for them instead.

 

[MaineCoonMama]

My dad only died very recently, but I knew it was coming for a long time. For anyone who has lost a parent longer ago, does the 'talking to them in your head' ever lessen or stop? I find I am still having imaginary conversations with him, in the same way you do with people who you are planning on speaking to again. I wonder if I am in the denial stage of grief, or is this something I will have forever?

I'm sorry to hear that
I lost my mum 9 years ago and I still think I might call her or email a joke sometimes then I remember.
I think of conversations we should be having or should've had.

 

[LadyMuck]

My dad only died very recently, but I knew it was coming for a long time. For anyone who has lost a parent longer ago, does the 'talking to them in your head' ever lessen or stop? I find I am still having imaginary conversations with him, in the same way you do with people who you are planning on speaking to again. I wonder if I am in the denial stage of grief, or is this something I will have forever?

It's 7 years since my dad passed and even now, something small will happen, or a bit of news, and I think 'oh I'll ring dad and tell him'