Dating after lockdown #9 Facebook. The bin juice of the dating world

[Clickbait]

Ok I’ve Been chatting to this geezer on Bumble….he’s very funny and very cute. Only looking for a FWB thing though which suits me right now. We were chatting last night (actually on the phone) and I told him there won’t be any sex because I’ve been a dick and shagged around and I’m waiting for the results of an STI test. I don’t have any symptoms but my daughter made me promise to do it.

he said he wants to see me anyway…..sweet…..so we’re going to hang out, have a couple of drinks, some food and watch the boxing.

what do we think? Nice move or dodgey as duck?

But I thought you didn’t want FWB because it’s just ended up a pump and dump situation that has left you feeling tit about yourself and getting upset over your ex who you are not over.

If you knew that all the men you meet in the next 3 months were going to be users who treat you poorly, over promise and under deliver, and make you feel more lonely and less good about yourself, would that make you finally put down the phone and walk away for a while?

I really worry you’re going to be following the same pattern over and over again to your detriment.

 

[LaurieLaurie]

But I thought you didn’t want FWB because it’s just ended up a pump and dump situation that has left you feeling tit about yourself and getting upset over your ex who you are not over.

If you knew that all the men you meet in the next 3 months were going to be users who treat you poorly, over promise and under deliver, and make you feel more lonely and less good about yourself, would that make you finally put down the phone and walk away for a while?

I really worry you’re going to be following the same pattern over and over again to your detriment.

You give good advice.

Meeting up with randoms and accepting any scrap of attention from men is never going to get anyone anywhere. It’s the same with men in the pub, they’ll try it on with whoever is there and willing.

 

[hereforthememe]

I feel so embarrassed still no text back when I've usually heard from him by now, and I feel I'm going through the turmoil of "he's just not that into me" again

 

[Bettyboo2021]

Oh my! How much did you have? I'm surprised you managed to get a taxi by yourself! One time I was so drunk taxis were refusing to take me xx

Im
Not sure how I was so Ill but one time I threw up in a taxi no recollection of why I was £60 poorer the next day- apparently I had to stop and pay for the sick I had left to be cleaned up xx

How many of you have been told the person you’re with doesn’t find you attractive enough to stay? Is this a common thing? I think the worst that was said to me once but someone I was dating was “look, if I stay I’ll just end up cheating because you’re not enough” it’s so bad it’s funny xx

 

[Clickbait]

I feel so embarrassed still no text back when I've usually heard from him by now, and I feel I'm going through the turmoil of "he's just not that into me" again

Take control of this situation - what do you want? You can’t change him. So either you accept that he won’t communicate as often as you’d like, and potentially leave you in limbo or you decide enough is enough.

I’m not sure going back is ever very successful. You tried it, it’s ok to chalk it up to experience. Don’t waste any more time than you need to.

 

[PiesAndLattes]

After 20 conversations on Hinge, and only a couple weird ones, I finally have a date! The guy seems nice, 6 years older than me and *appears* to have his life together… all we can do with lockdown is go for a walk in our shared 5km radius but I’m excited

 

[hereforthememe]

Take control of this situation - what do you want? You can’t change him. So either you accept that he won’t communicate as often as you’d like, and potentially leave you in limbo or you decide enough is enough.

I’m not sure going back is ever very successful. You tried it, it’s ok to chalk it up to experience. Don’t waste any more time than you need to.

I know exactly what I want, and I feel distance from the first time gave me this clarity, and I feel like an idiot for expecting him to change

 

[BunnyLebowski]

Yes you are all correct. I do know this deep down.

 

[Clickbait]

I know exactly what I want, and I feel distance from the first time gave me this clarity, and I feel like an idiot for expecting him to change

We have all been there at one point or another! What matters is what you do next.

 

[hereforthememe]

We have all been there at one point or another! What matters is what you do next.

Tell him I'm not going to meet up again and wish him well, then when I'm over it go date other guys
It all sounds so simple written out like this...

 

[Clickbait]

Tell him I'm not going to meet up again and wish him well, then when I'm over it go date other guys
It all sounds so simple written out like this...

Honestly, not sure he even deserves that kindness tbh. Often we send the ‘You’ve not contacted me so I’m guessing it’s over, good luck for the future’ messages as a way of shocking them into refuting it and apologising. In reality most aren’t bothered and so will just say ‘yeah you too’ or play some kind of weird mind game ‘well I wasn’t going to walk away but now you’ve said we should maybe you’re right’.

Do whatever feels right to give you the closure but I’d be tempted to just leave it. Archive the conversation if it’s on WhatsApp and mentally start moving on. If he messages you leave him on read for a bit and take your time to decide how you want to end it.

 

[hereforthememe]

Honestly, not sure he even deserves that kindness tbh. Often we send the ‘You’ve not contacted me so I’m guessing it’s over, good luck for the future’ messages as a way of shocking them into refuting it and apologising. In reality most aren’t bothered and so will just say ‘yeah you too’ or play some kind of weird mind game ‘well I wasn’t going to walk away but now you’ve said we should maybe you’re right’.

Do whatever feels right to give you the closure but I’d be tempted to just leave it. Archive the conversation if it’s on WhatsApp and mentally start moving on. If he messages you leave him on read for a bit and take your time to decide how you want to end it.

You know what, you're right. I've always been there for him, but not always felt I got that back. By not responding, or taking my time, it'll be something he's not used to and will take me more seriously when I say it's over.

This is the first guy I dated since my ex who I was in a long term relationship with, and I feel I've learned loads, so not all is lost!

May do a spread in my bullet journal of lessons learned so when I miss him, I can read it and remember I don't

 

[testingonetwothreefoiur]

The kiss I was angry about from the viewpoint I’m fed up of giving myself to people intimately (not often granted) but every time I do I end up chalking another one up to experience and moving on. I was like “fine just add yourself to the list Gareth”

Hey @Bettyboo2021, I hope you don't mind a lurker weighing in. All I can think when reading your posts is "this woman is in no mental place to be dating." Not because you're "not enough" or any of that malarkey, you're clearly perfectly lovely. But because you have some deeply ingrained beliefs about yourself that you are determined to prove again and again and that's driving your dating behaviour.

For example, Gareth knows nothing about this "list", does he? He knows nothing of your fears or your boundaries or your needs because you've not expressed any of that to him. He's just a lad that went on a second date, after battling through a few weeks of unenthusiastic texts from a woman that's giving him massively confusing messages. Most people don't have the same intimacy boundaries as you so he thought he'd try for a kiss, what harm. You're perfectly entitled to your boundaries and your needs, but you have a personal responsibility to yourself to let others know about them, otherwise you're just repeating the same behaviours and having the same experiences with men and continuing the negative thinking about dating / men / your worth etc.

Your approach towards dating seems entirely fear-based and combative, like "how can I avoid another devastating bullet", and as a woman when I met these men online I always knew to avoid instantly as they're just draped in red flags and dating can be a lot of things, but it should be fun and easy and it never will be with someone who has these beliefs and behaviours.

I got myself in a major low self-esteem bind about three years ago. Was meeting every emotionally avoidant man out there and it was just reaffirming my beliefs about myself. I started talk therapy and lost all interest in dating for more than a year. Literally, quit the apps, quit the panic over being single, and invested all that time and energy into figuring out my own stuff and reseting my mindset. As I started to work on my issues, I lost all motivation to continually hurt myself in the same dating patterns with men. The mindset went from "I'm not worthy of anything/one great" to "I'm now going to live life on my terms and with my own needs as the drive" and everything changed.

 

[whathastheworldcometo]

Hey @Bettyboo2021, I hope you don't mind a lurker weighing in. All I can think when reading your posts is "this woman is in no mental place to be dating." Not because you're "not enough" or any of that malarkey, you're clearly perfectly lovely. But because you have some deeply ingrained beliefs about yourself that you are determined to prove again and again and that's driving your dating behaviour.

For example, Gareth knows nothing about this "list", does he? He knows nothing of your fears or your boundaries or your needs because you've not expressed any of that to him. He's just a lad that went on a second date, after battling through a few weeks of unenthusiastic texts from a woman that's giving him massively confusing messages. Most people don't have the same intimacy boundaries as you so he thought he'd try for a kiss, what harm. You're perfectly entitled to your boundaries and your needs, but you have a personal responsibility to yourself to let others know about them, otherwise you're just repeating the same behaviours and having the same experiences with men and continuing the negative thinking about dating / men / your worth etc.

Your approach towards dating seems entirely fear-based and combative, like "how can I avoid another devastating bullet", and as a woman when I met these men online I always knew to avoid instantly as they're just draped in red flags and dating can be a lot of things, but it should be fun and easy and it never will be with someone who has these beliefs and behaviours.

I got myself in a major low self-esteem bind about three years ago. Was meeting every emotionally avoidant man out there and it was just reaffirming my beliefs about myself. I started talk therapy and lost all interest in dating for more than a year. Literally, quit the apps, quit the panic over being single, and invested all that time and energy into figuring out my own stuff and reseting my mindset. As I started to work on my issues, I lost all motivation to continually hurt myself in the same dating patterns with men. The mindset went from "I'm not worthy of anything/one great" to "I'm now going to live life on my terms and with my own needs as the drive" and everything changed.

This sounds like good advice to me

 

[Bettyboo2021]

Hey @Bettyboo2021, I hope you don't mind a lurker weighing in. All I can think when reading your posts is "this woman is in no mental place to be dating." Not because you're "not enough" or any of that malarkey, you're clearly perfectly lovely. But because you have some deeply ingrained beliefs about yourself that you are determined to prove again and again and that's driving your dating behaviour.

For example, Gareth knows nothing about this "list", does he? He knows nothing of your fears or your boundaries or your needs because you've not expressed any of that to him. He's just a lad that went on a second date, after battling through a few weeks of unenthusiastic texts from a woman that's giving him massively confusing messages. Most people don't have the same intimacy boundaries as you so he thought he'd try for a kiss, what harm. You're perfectly entitled to your boundaries and your needs, but you have a personal responsibility to yourself to let others know about them, otherwise you're just repeating the same behaviours and having the same experiences with men and continuing the negative thinking about dating / men / your worth etc.

Your approach towards dating seems entirely fear-based and combative, like "how can I avoid another devastating bullet", and as a woman when I met these men online I always knew to avoid instantly as they're just draped in red flags and dating can be a lot of things, but it should be fun and easy and it never will be with someone who has these beliefs and behaviours.

I got myself in a major low self-esteem bind about three years ago. Was meeting every emotionally avoidant man out there and it was just reaffirming my beliefs about myself. I started talk therapy and lost all interest in dating for more than a year. Literally, quit the apps, quit the panic over being single, and invested all that time and energy into figuring out my own stuff and reseting my mindset. As I started to work on my issues, I lost all motivation to continually hurt myself in the same dating patterns with men. The mindset went from "I'm not worthy of anything/one great" to "I'm now going to live life on my terms and with my own needs as the drive" and everything changed.

Thank you I’m definitely in no place to date, I’m not on any apps or anything and I haven’t spoken to Gareth again, nor will I. I do believe I have some traits of BPD (in fact I know I do) where I am repelled by intimacy at the same time as needing it...it’s like I’m so angry that he tried to kiss me I don’t know what to do with the anger- but I’m on perfectly civil terms with the ex who broke my heart...I was told some years ago I need something called dialectal behaviour Therapy (I’ve had CBT) but it’s not available on the NHS and I’d struggle to fund it privately...I literally live so alone because whilst I crave affection I push it away because it reminds me of past trauma..god I’m a psychiatrists dream

 

[Clickbait]

I’ve started a new thread. Couldn’t find any thread suggestions on a quick review so apologies if I missed one. I chose something relating to the gif and description @Captainmouse posted.

New thread here:

Dating after lockdown #10 Morris dancing with red flags

Double digits on the dating thread - the drama keeps coming thick and fast, but with some good news stories and some hilarity. Previous thread: https://tattle.life/threads/dating-after-lockdown-9-facebook-the-bin-juice-of-the-dating-world.22890/

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