Dating after lockdown #9 Facebook. The bin juice of the dating world

[Bettyboo2021]

Is there nowhere closer to home you could go, to make the first meeting in a more neutral environment? Not sure how rural your location is but I’d never make a big journey for a first date. My counsellor said the way you conduct yourself in regards to the first impression with a guy sets the precedent going forward. Maybe if you’re always the one to put yourself out of the way and go to them, they expect you to pander to them through message too? It’s a tricky one! But once you’ve established your boundaries and self esteem in your mind you should be in a better position to date. It should never leave you feeling confused or upset.
I met the guy I’m currently dating in person, when he swam up to me in a spa in London and asked me out, he’s a little bit younger than me but we’ve really hit it off and I haven’t once felt insecure or confused about anything like I had done with other men. We’re not official because it’s early days but the level of comfort between us is really nice.

Well in Gareth’s case he lives in Warwickshire I live in Staffordshire so exactly bang on in the middle is birmingham, lots of choices of places to go etc...men just have a way of making me feel not good enough. I think you’re right in that if I’m willing to go that far then maybe I come off a certain way. I wish there was some way to meet people in real life outside of the apps. I’m just not the girl people ask out, I don’t have any sex appeal, IM very awkward in real life and I think that’s probdbly not very attractive xx

I thought the guys were not making an effort to come your way to see you, but it's actually because you don't want them to come to where you live? I think if you're actively saying to them that you want to go to where they live, you can't really expect them to be forever thankful for it, because it's what you want. Everyone gets dressed up for dates etc too, again I don't think they're ungrateful if they don't acknowledge that, as they have probably made the effort as well.

I get that it's nice to receive a text asking if you got home okay...I do that with dates even if there is little interest as it is just polite. But from the screenshot you posted before it suggested that you told him you were home. Was that a couple of hours after the date or was it soon after you arrived home?

It was after I’d put anya out, so I’d say a good hour and 15 after date ended
Also still angry about him kissing me, you have to be so careful these days about those things. If the person is standing 3 feet away from you they aren’t giving you the signs they want to be kissed yet xx

 

[BunnyLebowski]

Ok I’ve Been chatting to this geezer on Bumble….he’s very funny and very cute. Only looking for a FWB thing though which suits me right now. We were chatting last night (actually on the phone) and I told him there won’t be any sex because I’ve been a dick and shagged around and I’m waiting for the results of an STI test. I don’t have any symptoms but my daughter made me promise to do it.

he said he wants to see me anyway…..sweet…..so we’re going to hang out, have a couple of drinks, some food and watch the boxing.

what do we think? Nice move or dodgey as duck?

 

[HelloStereo]

Went to the pub yesterday to read my book with a pint or two. One of the guys who works there was in there drinking on his day off and sat with me. He then started saying "you're pretty, can you come back to mine for sex?" He's actually really quite handsome but it was a work night and even I feel awkward getting my rocks off with someone I've barely talked to. He was drunk so I hope he doesn't remember it, as I feel awkward going back as it's my local .

 

[Bettyboo2021]

Went to the pub yesterday to read my book with a pint or two. One of the guys who works there was in there drinking on his day off and sat with me. He then started saying "you're pretty, can you come back to mine for sex?" He's actually really quite handsome but it was a work night and even I feel awkward getting my rocks off with someone I've barely talked to. He was drunk so I hope he doesn't remember it, as I feel awkward going back as it's my local .

Lucky you! I wish that would happen to me! I wouldn’t of gone either but that’s a huge compliment wow

 

[HelloStereo]

Ok I’ve Been chatting to this geezer on Bumble….he’s very funny and very cute. Only looking for a FWB thing though which suits me right now. We were chatting last night (actually on the phone) and I told him there won’t be any sex because I’ve been a dick and shagged around and I’m waiting for the results of an STI test. I don’t have any symptoms but my daughter made me promise to do it.

he said he wants to see me anyway…..sweet…..so we’re going to hang out, have a couple of drinks, some food and watch the boxing.

what do we think? Nice move or dodgey as duck?

Dodgy. I reckon he'd try it on anyway.

 

[justapossum]

@Bettyboo2021 I think there's a mismatch between your expectations and what you're giving yourself. I feel like you have this mindset that the guy still has all the power, and he's the one calling all the shots - that he should be the one chasing after you, and making all the effort to sweep you off your feet. If that's how you'd like things to be, that is your choice but I think in today's dating world, you're going to find yourself deeply dissatisfied and disappointed. Of course I'm not saying sacrifice all your wants and needs, but there needs to be a balance, and as much as you want them to understand you and give you what you need, you also need to remember that this person isn't you - and he might see dating from a completely different perspective.
It isn't a case of "well because I drove all the way, they OWE me a text at least" - dating is a mutual decision, as much as you're wanting to be swept of your feet, the other person also has their own expectations and wants to be made to feel wanted. Your "love language" is texts, reassurance etc., but for the other person, it might be quality time spent together instead of texting - this means you either need to compromise and meet halfway, or find someone you're more compatible with.
You also need to voice your needs - men can be daft and they're not mindreaders (none of us are) so if you want something - speak up. For example the situation with the kiss, if you're going on dates and having a good time, a kiss is bound to happen at some point, but if you're uncomfortable with that, it is your responsibility to decline that kiss (rather than going along with it for the sake of it) or make it clear that you are not ready to progress things just yet.
I also think you're giving men too much power and I say that because I used to be very similar to you, I used to leave a date/the guy's house and feel overwhelming anxiety - would he text me? Why hasn't he texted me yet? What is he doing? Did he have a good time? Is he going to ditch me? And so on.
It isn't easy to do, because at first I was very uncomfortable with this, but YOU have the power and you need to take the control into your own hands. If you want to speak to them - message them. If you had a good time on your date, don't wait for him to text you to tell you that first, YOU tell him you had a great time.
If you find yourself worried that if you text them and they'll find you clingy - then they're simply not meant for you! You should not have to change how you behave in order to fit into what you believe they want you to be.
Be yourself and be brave! It's incredibly empowering to be the one calling the shots - if I want to go on a date, I will ask the guy out. I am in control. If he says yes - perfect, I got what I wanted. If he says no - well then, his loss, and at least I know not to put any more effort into him rather than sitting around overthinking every message, wondering if he likes me.

 

[HelloStereo]

Lucky you! I wish that would happen to me! I wouldn’t of gone either but that’s a huge compliment wow

Thank you! He's a handsome guy but I barely know him. I think he was quite drunk though which is probably why he tried it on . I think it's just because I'm quite flirty without meaning to be? I don't know if that's always a good thing as sometimes I get guys I really don't like / find attractive asking to have sex.

 

[BunnyLebowski]

Went to the pub yesterday to read my book with a pint or two. One of the guys who works there was in there drinking on his day off and sat with me. He then started saying "you're pretty, can you come back to mine for sex?" He's actually really quite handsome but it was a work night and even I feel awkward getting my rocks off with someone I've barely talked to. He was drunk so I hope he doesn't remember it, as I feel awkward going back as it's my local .

Hahaha, I’d have been well up for that!

 

[Bettyboo2021]

Thank you! He's a handsome guy but I barely know him. I think he was quite drunk though which is probably why he tried it on . I think it's just because I'm quite flirty without meaning to be? I don't know if that's always a good thing as sometimes I get guys I really don't like / find attractive asking to have sex.

Oh that’s a good thing! Im the adult equivalent of a socially undeveloped 10 year old (with men, with friends I’m normal lol) don’t lose those skills they will give you lots of opportunities to meet new people you defo don’t need the apps xx

 

[HelloStereo]

Oh that’s a good thing! Im the adult equivalent of a socially undeveloped 10 year old (with men, with friends I’m normal lol) don’t lose those skills they will give you lots of opportunities to meet new people you defo don’t need the apps xx

Even after drinks? I find it quite easy to meet people in pubs because drinks seem to loosen people's inhibitions. Also I go out for a few pints by myself every now and then because most of my mates have left London . I guess that provides the right environment to meet someone rather than anything to do with me as a person...

Sometimes it's not really that nice though and is a bit like being catcalled? A few weeks ago I was quietly reading in a pub and a guy just shouted "I would have sex with you" and everyone looked over. It would be nice if they got to know me first and then realised they didn't want to xx

 

[Bettyboo2021]

@Bettyboo2021 I think there's a mismatch between your expectations and what you're giving yourself. I feel like you have this mindset that the guy still has all the power, and he's the one calling all the shots - that he should be the one chasing after you, and making all the effort to sweep you off your feet. If that's how you'd like things to be, that is your choice but I think in today's dating world, you're going to find yourself deeply dissatisfied and disappointed. Of course I'm not saying sacrifice all your wants and needs, but there needs to be a balance, and as much as you want them to understand you and give you what you need, you also need to remember that this person isn't you - and he might see dating from a completely different perspective.
It isn't a case of "well because I drove all the way, they OWE me a text at least" - dating is a mutual decision, as much as you're wanting to be swept of your feet, the other person also has their own expectations and wants to be made to feel wanted. Your "love language" is texts, reassurance etc., but for the other person, it might be quality time spent together instead of texting - this means you either need to compromise and meet halfway, or find someone you're more compatible with.
You also need to voice your needs - men can be daft and they're not mindreaders (none of us are) so if you want something - speak up. For example the situation with the kiss, if you're going on dates and having a good time, a kiss is bound to happen at some point, but if you're uncomfortable with that, it is your responsibility to decline that kiss (rather than going along with it for the sake of it) or make it clear that you are not ready to progress things just yet.
I also think you're giving men too much power and I say that because I used to be very similar to you, I used to leave a date/the guy's house and feel overwhelming anxiety - would he text me? Why hasn't he texted me yet? What is he doing? Did he have a good time? Is he going to ditch me? And so on.
It isn't easy to do, because at first I was very uncomfortable with this, but YOU have the power and you need to take the control into your own hands. If you want to speak to them - message them. If you had a good time on your date, don't wait for him to text you to tell you that first, YOU tell him you had a great time.
If you find yourself worried that if you text them and they'll find you clingy - then they're simply not meant for you! You should not have to change how you behave in order to fit into what you believe they want you to be.
Be yourself and be brave! It's incredibly empowering to be the one calling the shots - if I want to go on a date, I will ask the guy out. I am in control. If he says yes - perfect, I got what I wanted. If he says no - well then, his loss, and at least I know not to put any more effort into him rather than sitting around overthinking every message, wondering if he likes me.

That’s really lovely of you to take the time to write all that and I do agree with you..I’ve just taken so many knock backs with guys that have initiated things with me then turning round and saying I’m not for them, there’s no chemistry that I feel if I put myself “out there” then they’re going to be “why would I want you? You’re nothing special stop coming onto me”. My mother hasn’t done wonders for my confidence either each new guy id meet she would say “be careful he’s not using you”.
The kiss I was angry about from the viewpoint I’m fed up of giving myself to people intimately (not often granted) but every time I do I end up chalking another one up to experience and moving on. I was like “fine just add yourself to the list Gareth”
I’m not good at getting across what I mean without totally contradicting myself I hope this makes sense xxx

Even after drinks? I find it quite easy to meet people in pubs because drinks seem to loosen people's inhibitions. Also I go out for a few pints by myself every now and then because most of my mates have left London . I guess that provides the right environment to meet someone rather than anything to do with me as a person...

Sometimes it's not really that nice though and is a bit like being catcalled? A few weeks ago I was quietly reading in a pub and a guy just shouted "I would have sex with you" and everyone looked over. It would be nice if they got to know me first and then realised they didn't want to xx

Oh lord I’m worse after drinks I have a radar that just sends me off wandering alone somewhere I do have some funny stories about that xx

 

[HelloStereo]

Hahaha, I’d have been well up for that!

After the STI results come back

That’s really lovely of you to take the time to write all that and I do agree with you..I’ve just taken so many knock backs with guys that have initiated things with me then turning round and saying I’m not for them, there’s no chemistry that I feel if I put myself “out there” then they’re going to be “why would I want you? You’re nothing special stop coming onto me”. My mother hasn’t done wonders for my confidence either each new guy id meet she would say “be careful he’s not using you”.
The kiss I was angry about from the viewpoint I’m fed up of giving myself to people intimately (not often granted) but every time I do I end up chalking another one up to experience and moving on. I was like “fine just add yourself to the list Gareth”
I’m not good at getting across what I mean without totally contradicting myself I hope this makes sense xxx


Oh lord I’m worse after drinks I have a radar that just sends me off wandering alone somewhere I do have some funny stories about that xx

Haha so you end up just leaving the pub by yourself to go on an adventure? Oh no, you can't meet people if you're walking away from them xx

 

[Bettyboo2021]

After the STI results come back



Haha so you end up just leaving the pub by yourself to go on an adventure? Oh no, you can't meet people if you're walking away from them xx

I once ended up getting a taxi to my friends house about 20 mins away and when I woke up I had accidentally picked up someone else’s Christmas presents out the taxi and they were next to my friends toilet in the morning xx

 

[justapossum]

That’s really lovely of you to take the time to write all that and I do agree with you..I’ve just taken so many knock backs with guys that have initiated things with me then turning round and saying I’m not for them, there’s no chemistry that I feel if I put myself “out there” then they’re going to be “why would I want you? You’re nothing special stop coming onto me”. My mother hasn’t done wonders for my confidence either each new guy id meet she would say “be careful he’s not using you”.
The kiss I was angry about from the viewpoint I’m fed up of giving myself to people intimately (not often granted) but every time I do I end up chalking another one up to experience and moving on. I was like “fine just add yourself to the list Gareth”
I’m not good at getting across what I mean without totally contradicting myself I hope this makes sense xxx

I completely understand that - I've had really bad experiences with relationships and dating which massively impacted my self-esteem and confidence. That's why I agree with the other ladies on here, it's probably best for you to take a break from dating and really focus on yourself. Build yourself up again, and then you won't be likely to get attached to the first guy who offers you bare minimal as you'll know you're worth much more than that! With dating, rejection is always part of the game. We're all just trying to find someone we're compatible with and you're not going to be compatible with every guy you meet. Dating around and speaking to different guys is a good way of finding out what you like and dislike in a potential partner every date is a lesson. Keep kissing those frogs (or not kissing, you do you!) and eventually you'll meet your prince (cringe but you get the drift!) xx

 

[HelloStereo]

I once ended up getting a taxi to my friends house about 20 mins away and when I woke up I had accidentally picked up someone else’s Christmas presents out the taxi and they were next to my friends toilet in the morning xx

Were you sharing a taxi or were the presents left in the taxi? Look at it as free swag haha xx

 

[BunnyLebowski]

Oh that’s a good thing! Im the adult equivalent of a socially undeveloped 10 year old (with men, with friends I’m normal lol) don’t lose those skills they will give you lots of opportunities to meet new people you defo don’t need the apps xx

Babe, remember what the previous woman said about changing the narrative in how you talk about yourself. You sound utterly adorable, kind, compassionate, empathetic, witty, clever, cute. You’ve got it all going on baby xxx

 

[Bettyboo2021]

Were you sharing a taxi or were the presents left in the taxi? Look at it as free swag haha xx

I was alone it was so bizarre! It was a minature encyclopaedia (it was 2003) xx

I completely understand that - I've had really bad experiences with relationships and dating which massively impacted my self-esteem and confidence. That's why I agree with the other ladies on here, it's probably best for you to take a break from dating and really focus on yourself. Build yourself up again, and then you won't be likely to get attached to the first guy who offers you bare minimal as you'll know you're worth much more than that! With dating, rejection is always part of the game. We're all just trying to find someone we're compatible with and you're not going to be compatible with every guy you meet. Dating around and speaking to different guys is a good way of finding out what you like and dislike in a potential partner every date is a lesson. Keep kissing those frogs (or not kissing, you do you!) and eventually you'll meet your prince (cringe but you get the drift!) xx

I love this xx

 

[HelloStereo]

I was alone it was so bizarre! It was a minature encyclopaedia (it was 2003) xx


I love this xx

Did you keep it? xx

 

[Bettyboo2021]

Did you keep it? xx

I did- I have no idea what happened to it I was so hungover I took myself to a and e and got an injection to stop me throwing up xx

 

[HelloStereo]

I did- I have no idea what happened to it I was so hungover I took myself to a and e and got an injection to stop me throwing up xx

Oh my! How much did you have? I'm surprised you managed to get a taxi by yourself! One time I was so drunk taxis were refusing to take me xx