Dating after lockdown #9 Facebook. The bin juice of the dating world

[Curlygirld]

I thought misery arse was out of his breakdown or whatever the fuck it was, we went back to just like the start of our relationship but wham… he’s struggling again. He doesn’t understand what’s wrong, apparently it isn’t me, he doesn’t want to end it blah blah but fuck me this is never ending.

I’ve tried to walk away but I just can’t do it with this one but I know I need to.

I’ve really bit my tongue when you’ve spoken
about this guy’s mental health in the same dismissive manner, but this post has really got my back up.

Firstly, calling someone who has depression a “misery arse” is an absolute disgrace. Using a term for someone who by choice complains about everything to describe someone with a mental illness beyond their control is something I can’t stand by and let slide.

For yourself and everyone commenting now and previously on this, there has been a lot of discussion about dumping someone you have said you love (as opposed to an early relationship, where I wouldn’t be about to say any of the following, but you have said you love him) because he’s depressed and isn’t magically snapping out of it. Do you know how hard it is to come out from the vicious hold of depression? To wonder why your brain has waged war on itself and feel your very essence of living slip away as you lie down because living, just simply surviving on the most basic levels such as showering and eating, is fucking EXHAUSTING. If you do know, then I can’t believe you’d make a comment about how long it’s lasting or call him a misery arse.

I saw my doctor, I was on medication, I called crisis helplines and I prayed to my grandparents in heaven to send me a sign (I’m not even religious!), any sign, that I should keep on living because the pain of depression was so, so heavy. I did everything they tell you to do and it took 6 months of therapy (CBT) before I began to feel myself again, so a total severe depression timeline of around a year. It can be a long process and sadly there are no shortcuts. Once you get out from the depression you often cannot even fathom how you felt lying at rock bottom because your brain, at that moment, was in the throes of severe mental illness and when you emerge from that darkness your brain is healing itself.

However, being on the other side (most of the time) of the depression now I do understand why those without depression cannot imagine what it’s like and therefore it’s ok to leave if you yourself are mentally struggling because of their mental health, and it’s ok to not want to carry someone else’s burden. If you can say “I have tried all the ways I am qualified to help you but there is no willingness to accept help at all” then you can leave without any guilt.

What is shitty, is you said in early September you wanted to “sloped off quietly and haven’t told them” in (although you didn’t go through with it) which is, in my opinion, an arsehole move and callous beyond degree so I’m glad you didn’t do that. But you later admit he was trying hard, so what has changed? He either is trying or he’s not?

If you do choose to stay with them you can even have a conversation with the person and say “I love you, I support you and I’m sorry you are feeling so low. I am here as your safe space to talk, however I am going to look after my own mental well-being and continue to live my life normally (seeing friends, doing normal activities etc) as I want to ensure I have the emotional capacity to help you overcome this”. You also don’t have to deal with this alone, tell your friends, your family, or do the good old advice of seeing a doctor and see if they can be your emotional support whilst you are theirs.

I simply could not let this conversation go on again without giving my opinion (and it is that, an opinion of someone who has been depressed and thankfully is out from the worst days).

I hope you’ll all also consider how many people suffer from anxiety and depression and will read the comments about this situation (as being discussed now and previously, and whether with the intention of minimalising depression or not) as they are undeserving of love from their spouse when struggling and no one will want to be with them in their darkest days.

 

[StrawberryCream]

What’s happened to Bunny?

Probably busy shagging and eating roasts

 

[Fourcandles]

No answer I can only imagine he’s spending some time trying to come up with a question….

 

[hereforthememe]

Ok so I double texted again....I really can’t do this again it’s just dragging it out isn’t it?

It really is, and again you've given him no chat to go off he asked you questions that you've blanked, and you've not given him any way to extend the conversation

 

[Moderator]

No idea what's going on, but maybe agree to disagree and move on? So the thread isn't ruined for everyone

 

[realhousewivewannabe]

me taking notes: avoid micro penis

 

[testingonetwothreefoiur]

The kiss I was angry about from the viewpoint I’m fed up of giving myself to people intimately (not often granted) but every time I do I end up chalking another one up to experience and moving on. I was like “fine just add yourself to the list Gareth”

Hey @Bettyboo2021, I hope you don't mind a lurker weighing in. All I can think when reading your posts is "this woman is in no mental place to be dating." Not because you're "not enough" or any of that malarkey, you're clearly perfectly lovely. But because you have some deeply ingrained beliefs about yourself that you are determined to prove again and again and that's driving your dating behaviour.

For example, Gareth knows nothing about this "list", does he? He knows nothing of your fears or your boundaries or your needs because you've not expressed any of that to him. He's just a lad that went on a second date, after battling through a few weeks of unenthusiastic texts from a woman that's giving him massively confusing messages. Most people don't have the same intimacy boundaries as you so he thought he'd try for a kiss, what harm. You're perfectly entitled to your boundaries and your needs, but you have a personal responsibility to yourself to let others know about them, otherwise you're just repeating the same behaviours and having the same experiences with men and continuing the negative thinking about dating / men / your worth etc.

Your approach towards dating seems entirely fear-based and combative, like "how can I avoid another devastating bullet", and as a woman when I met these men online I always knew to avoid instantly as they're just draped in red flags and dating can be a lot of things, but it should be fun and easy and it never will be with someone who has these beliefs and behaviours.

I got myself in a major low self-esteem bind about three years ago. Was meeting every emotionally avoidant man out there and it was just reaffirming my beliefs about myself. I started talk therapy and lost all interest in dating for more than a year. Literally, quit the apps, quit the panic over being single, and invested all that time and energy into figuring out my own stuff and reseting my mindset. As I started to work on my issues, I lost all motivation to continually hurt myself in the same dating patterns with men. The mindset went from "I'm not worthy of anything/one great" to "I'm now going to live life on my terms and with my own needs as the drive" and everything changed.

 

[Curlygirld]

I call him a misery arse in an affectionate way, it’s not malicious.

I’ve tried to walk away a 100 times but he pulls me back every single time, has a few days where he’s 100% his happy old self and then as soon as we’re settled again he’s back at rock bottom. It’s selfish behaviour and I’m sure as hell the vast majority of people would have walked away the first time. Do you not realise how hard it to to never know which person you’re going to get that day? One day I have to be 100% and then the next I’m cast aide again because he needs to spend time in bed on his own. It’s exhausting and it’s destroying me. People like this DO need to be on their own imo.

I can’t talk to my friends or family because they’ve seen what it’s done to me and want him out of my life. One friend said I want sectioned for even talking to him so I vent on here.

I will stand by that being called a “misery arse”, whether with malicious intent or not, is damaging language to use about depression. It is a very serious illness, especially for males who find it harder to admit they are struggling. You may see it as “affectionate” but you are simply reinforcing an idea that depression is a choice and on an open forum, where people who suffer from mental illness will read your comments, you must understand your words have weight and can negatively impact people with similar mental anguish.

Loving someone with mental illness is tough, I did not say it wasn’t. You seem to think this is his choice though once again by saying it’s selfish and as if depression can be turned on and off, it cannot. If you are negatively impacted to the point that it is destroying you then yes you need to walk away, but you need to accept that he cannot control his depression.

If my partner suddenly had depression and I loved them deeply, no I wouldn’t walk away because I can empathise with them because I know what it’s like to sit in that dark hell. However, that is MY decision based on my own experiences with mental illnesses, had I not had depression I may not be able to understand it on such a level and I imagine it is frustrating, emotionally exhaustive and painful to love someone with depression when you cannot imagine being that low.

Your decision to leave is not anyone else’s business but your own, and I did say that you should leave if it is impacting your own mental health. I am not telling you not to leave, I am trying to educate those of you (because there were a lot of comments reiterating “dump him!”) who think the best thing to do with a depressed spouse is to leave them because it’s unfair of them to rely on their spouse for support, or because they think it’s a choice and them “choosing” to be depressed is ANYTHING to do with the other spouse. It isn’t! It’s fuck all to do with you, it’s not a slight on you, it’s not personal. It’s their own battle and I hate to say it but depression makes it incredibly hard to focus on the needs of others when it is especially bad because you are so focused on just surviving your own day (so the days he lies in bed and discards you.) Is it fair? No, and I am very sorry that it is causing you so much pain. If you cannot talk to your friends or family I would urge you to see a doctor or a therapist if it is destroying you, as that is a warning sign that your own mental health may need some looking after.

However, I am about to be extremely harsh here, and it’s once again because you said you loved him, and because I know you can dole out the tough advice so I hope you can take it.

We talk a lot on this forum about only being able to judge what people put online, and if they don’t wish to be perceived that way they shouldn’t have done/said this or that. Your comments on him are quite focused on you and your pain, and not him and his suffering. I have even checked back your comments to ensure I am not getting the wrong end of the stick but I have noticed this pattern of how you speak about it for weeks and it’s been gradually wearing down my patience. You also talk about texting other men to fill a void a week ago, presumably when you’re with this guy? Which just makes me think you’re a heartless bitch if I’m honest, and don’t love him at all. You don’t treat people you love like this. I have no doubt that his mood swings are draining and exhausting for you, and causing you emotional pain as you try to figure it out, but you do not mention ever trying to help him, or empathising that some days he can’t focus on you because he is too low to even get out of bed. Once again, I think the sloping off quietly comment has left me with a view on how you deal with this so if you do try to help him then I apologise but you have rarely mentioned helping him and instead seem focused on your side of it. When you discuss this on a forum you open yourself up to criticism and I simply don’t agree with the way you talk about depression or those with depression. One in four people suffer from mental health issues which means I will not be the only one to have experience in them on this thread, but I will stand up for us because we do deserve love, we do deserve an understanding spouse who tries to help us and we do not deserve to feel like burdens when undergoing mental anguish. No one wants to be mentally ill, but unfortunately sometimes those are the cards you are dealt.

I think we’re going to have two very different viewpoints from someone who’s had depression (me) and someone who loves someone with depression (you). I hope you find your peace regarding this situation and that your partner overcomes his depression

 

[whathastheworldcometo]

I once had a boyfriend who had a micro penis. He snogged me on our second date and kind of pestered me for sex - (I gave him but I shouldn't have! I should have stood strong, it was coercion on his part. - but anyway
I opened his trousers and my first thought was "what is this" when I saw the cocktail sausage. I still managed to give him a hand job but didn't enjoy it, his small willy just wasn't sexy.
I kept dating him though (why? I ask myself this all the time) and he also had problems getting hard, it was so exhausting to try to stimulate him, I remember once I actually said "I am exhausted" and sadly he wasn't the best kisser and couldn't use his fingers that well also.
I finally complained.
He then bought something like Viagra off the internet and the cocktail sausage grew to an actual fat sausage!

Still wasn't very good sex, but at least I could feel something.

OMG, I cannot believe I shared all these details with you guys

 

[ThreeSteaksPam]

If I can give what I hope will be a helpful opinion Betty. Personally, I don’t think you should have wasted your time pursuing either of these men.

The Flake showed you exactly what kind of man he was during your first conversation with him when he told you the value of his house and that he wants a woman who doesn’t carry too much weight. That should have been enough to send you running in the opposite direction. Then he re-arranged the time of the date on the morning of it and only when you asked him, which again, should have been sufficient enough for you to say “Fuck this” instead of letting him eventually cancel on you.

You know deep down that something is off about Gareth, we’ve all discussed it here. Why go on another date with him when your gut is already telling you there’s something not quite right? My (very long winded) point is, be more selective about who you give your time to and don’t entertain men who are Morris dancing with red flags right in front of you. The signs are all there, you just need to start paying attention to them and seeing these people for what they are before you invest time and energy into them. You’ll start sifting through the dross and having a much more positive experience in no time at all

 

[Clickbait]

Thank you all so much for helping me see it more clearly, I’ve decided I’m going to write out messages to him on my phone but not to send them to him, just to get it all off my chest like a closure in a way, maybe that will help. I’ll take it one day at a time, maybe he’ll text this week, if not you’re right it wasn’t meant to be.

Say he does text this week and you apologise, tell him you are so sorry for pushing him away and what an idiot you’ve been for not being patient and not supportive enough of his mental health. You say you won’t threaten to walk away again, and you love him and you’ll give him space but be ready to be there for him when he is ready.

He says thanks. Contact stops again.

Where does that leave you?

You are not in the wrong for wanting to be in a relationship that meets your needs of regular communication, security and care. These are very basic things you are asking for.

Perhaps he can’t give them but it seems he’s been well enough to have sex with you when it suits and go onto social media to interact with people in that space.

You can’t make him change by somehow being nicer to him, cutting him more slack, and being even less demanding. He’ll change if he wants to and when he’s ready. If you hang around waiting for that then you’ll be in quite a bad place in 6 more months.

We can only give advice. I just find this thread so frustrating sometimes when I can see obviously intelligent, kind and caring women putting all their needs and wants and desires to one side to pursue relationships with men who won’t make any kind of compromise and honestly do not deserve it.

 

[justapossum]

Just checked my WhatsApp (I have notifications turned off during day) and I got this...I think that’s not leading to another date is it?

For me his message sounds positive so I'm confused why you'd think it's not leading to another date. He's basically saying he enjoyed his dinner with you and that he hopes you enjoyed the kiss. He even put an 'x' at the end of his message which I see neither of you have done in your previous messages. He seems more keen as when you look at your message to him - it's just letting him know you got home, but nothing about the date itself.
Regardless of this - it seems like Gareth isn't ticking your boxes and you have your reservations about him (some of them rightly so), so you either tell him what you'd like/what your expectations are, to see if he's willing to reach those, or you just tell him bye bye and move on

 

[LaurieLaurie]

It might be more helpful, instead of making shit up about complete strangers with very little evidence to go on, to support a poster who is clearly pretty worried?

It’s my insight and I don’t do soft and fluffy, if you don’t agree scroll past. There is never a happy outcome from men that fuck off on this thread. I wouldn’t give a second thought of worry to a man that grows weed in his garden.

Still tumbleweed...he didn’t reply to my Friday message so I think I’m going to chalk it up to experience (would happily text him to arrange a date but he kind of has to reply to texts I’m sending him to do that) maybe he is secretly married or something

You were giving him dead replies. I’m not sure what you expect.

 

[lurkingaround123]

Actually, have you guys noticed that some men are threatened by successful women? I noticed it on the apps and had a few comments made about me in real life by men on dates. Instant "ick."

Once I was on a date with a guy and it was the most embarrassing thing to sit through for this reason he brought up all these things unprompted:

He lived near where I live on my own, but in a flat share, so spent ages telling me it's silly that I spend extra to live alone when i could split costs and he's so glad he does that because he'll have more money in the long run, which is fine do what you want but weird thing to say on a first date.

I can't even remember where my T-shirt was from but his must've been from a cheaper brand than mine because he started going on about how this brand he had on was cheaper than mine but better quality and its stupid to spend money on clothes because everyone wants new stuff all the time so he wouldn't want his clothes from there anyway

He also drove the same car as me, just his was about 8 years older than mine. He told me his car was better than mine and I was like aw lovely, because who cares but instead of just moving the conversation on to something interesting he sat for ages explaining how his engine was better and his was worth more I was like ok???? Then he pulled up some petrol heads website on his phone, asked for my number plate to check the specs of my car, mine was better than his and he was sat in a mood then how embarrassing. Instantly ick'ed me out because i was like this guy is so so materialistic and upset

 

[ThreeSteaksPam]

This has struck a chord. I had an ex exactly like this I was a younger and more naive Three Steaks Pam, not the cut throat witch I am today. When I first met him, he was the perfect partner, which I think kept me around for longer than I should have stayed. I clung to his potential and the way he was when I met him instead of paying attention to what was actually happening.

It started off with cancelling plans, which got progressively worse and worse until one evening it came to a head. We’d planned to spend the night in together and I’d gone out and spent a fortune on food and drinks for us, got ready, bought breakfast in for the next morning, and he never turned up. Didn’t tell me he wasn’t coming, he just didn’t. I hit the fucking roof, he came round crying and giving me some ridiculous excuse about all the things he had going on in his life and promising me it would never happen again. Reader, it did. The very next week in fact. And it carried on until I eventually pulled the plug.

I think like everyone else has said, he’s showing a lack of respect for you and your time, and also a lack of empathy, which is a big red flag. When people show you who they are, believe them

 

[ksr96]

I’m going on a date tonight with someone who asked me out on the tube?!!! He’s really good looking and my typical type, I admired the balls

I’m still meeting the guy I met in Germany (hopefully) the week after next, I really like him but I thought fuck it keep your options open, and it’s helped to mute the anxiety around him soooo much

 

[LaurieLaurie]

@HelloStereo I wouldn’t spend any time worrying about him in all honesty. You said he is vague about his job (?) and has two phones.. I think he’s a drug dealer on the side or dodgy in some way. If he’s floating around at 32 and growing weed he isn’t someone you should be concerned about and running in the opposite direction.

It’s also a bit suspect that he’s vanished after you stayed over.

 

[Bettyboo2475]

I did online dating and realised after being ghosted by far too many men that the secret was to meet them for a coffee as soon as we’d started chatting online to see if there was a spark and to date multiple men so as not to get my hopes up on one particular guy. I soon met a guy, now my husband who didn’t play mind games, called and text regularly and showed interest in my then 2 year old son. There are nice guys out there xxx

 

[realhousewivewannabe]

I agree please don’t just ghost.

We’re 9 threads in, we all say we hate to be ignored, we hate being ghosted, no one likes rejection.

I spent two years doubting, critiquing every inch of myself and the way I am. Heck I even got braces and made appointments for cosmetic surgery after comparing myself to girls on Instagram a guy was following or liking pictures of after being ghosted. Whatever you do.. don’t fade out or ghost.

@Bettyboo2021 i don’t know what’s been said last in your WhatsApp but if you’re not feeling it just say and keep civil, then “turn the page onto then next chapter of your book” figuratively speaking x

 

[square_spoon]

her argument is that she’s 33 and she’s had a very bumpy road in terms of dating (haven’t we all here!!). So in her head, there has been this little voice saying “what if?”.
Because of her age she felt that she would be missing out if she hadn’t been on that date with him. As she said, it might not result to anything but she just wants to see it for herself.

Girl, I'm 39 and I would never. Not to a friend and not with a guy who took both of our numbers on the one night.

I know he's been honest but it really irks me in modern dating that we're supposed to be grateful or humbled by other people being honest about what dicks they are. How about not being a dick in the first place?