Dating after lockdown #36 Have you dated a man? You may be entitled to compensation.

[freezelouise43]

This sounds like I could have written it myself about my previous situation.

It started as a drunk hook up with my friend, we decided to carry on as fwb as he said he didn’t want a relationship. I decided that was fine as the sex was great and we got on so well and both were on the same page. It essentially turned in to more like dating (talking daily, seeing each other at least once a week, sleepovers) but still pretending it was just fwb.

all I asked of him was to be honest and upfront if he had met someone or wanted to call quits. He said he would. He didn’t. He just tried to drift and the mood changed, I questioned if, he said he just wasn’t in a good mood, I let it go. It carried on like this for another month until I called him out and he ended it “as he didn’t want to hurt me”. I then found out 4 weeks later that he was seeing someone else.

fwb doesn’t work as soon as you catch feelings. You can pretend you don’t but in the long run, if you’ve already started to question why he has withdrawn or if you could want more, then it’s just going to develop. It only works if there are clear boundaries.

Its tough to break away from that situation but the last guy I went on a few dates with in Feb was perfect for me but he only wanted casual and despite me wanting him, I knew I’d end up getting hurt so had to think of myself and say no.

long story short, you’re not alone in feeling like this but I’d have a really good think about if you do like him more then just a shag and if so, tell him and see if he reciprocates and if not, get out and protect your feelings.

I’m sorry you had to go through this too but it sounds like you’re feeling ok about it? I am really damaged, I live in a state of constant paranoia that the person he’s with is my mutual friend and no one in my circle wants to tell me and I’m too scared to ask I deleted her off fb ages ok when I was seeing him..it’s like I want to know so I can have a good cry but at the same time I don’t

 

[adventureisoutthere]

I’m sorry you had to go through this too but it sounds like you’re feeling ok about it? I am really damaged, I live in a state of constant paranoia that the person he’s with is my mutual friend and no one in my circle wants to tell me and I’m too scared to ask I deleted her off fb ages ok when I was seeing him..it’s like I want to know so I can have a good cry but at the same time I don’t

the fwb situation was the August - December 2021. It really screwed me up for a long time, bought up a lot of hidden feelings about rejection and constantly thought “why didn’t he choose me”. This is why I was so sure I couldn’t go back there with Feb man despite him being great. I couldn’t be second best again and have someone choose someone else over me.

I am good now! Learnt a lot about myself in the last few years, changed jobs and lifestyle and realised that I enjoyed my own company when I wasn’t worrying about whether someone liked me or not. I love me!

gutted about feb guy still but we move on and move up! (Hopefully… ha!)

With your situation, it doesn’t matter who he is with, someone you know or not. Either way, when you find out, you will hurt. As I said, it took me a long time to get over it as I had been pretending I was okay with casual but turned out I had developed feelings.

You will get there. Just ride the emotion and have a good cry. It always helps to have a release. You’ll fall in love again and next time it will hopefully be with someone who deserves your love.

 

[IGiveUp22]

@adventureisoutthere im so sorry that happened to you, it’s such a crappy thing to string someone along isn’t it and it’s cowardly. I’m glad to hear you’re doing okay now and are a lot stronger.

Yeah I just feel confused which is something isn’t it…I’m glad I’ve said something now, we have been speaking. It does sound like he was happy with things, didn’t feel like he’d shifted and was happy for us to continue messaging lots and even going out places but then I was like so what’s the difference then? Because that would for me, be the “more” I’d be after right now because it would be all I’d be willing to give to someone. The conversation is still ongoing but moving more towards me saying this whole “casual” thing isn’t for me. Which in all honesty, I’m actually not even sure is correct but as I said, I think whilst ever I’m confused I need to take myself out of the situation don’t I?

I don’t think I have strong feelings for him, I wouldn’t mind seeing if it progressed but I also don’t mind things not continuing - I feel a bit indifferent tbh which is a strange feeling.

I’m not interested in dating/going back on the apps, I might just disappear for a bit and get hot for summer

 

[freezelouise43]

the fwb situation was the August - December 2021. It really screwed me up for a long time, bought up a lot of hidden feelings about rejection and constantly thought “why didn’t he choose me”. This is why I was so sure I couldn’t go back there with Feb man despite him being great. I couldn’t be second best again and have someone choose someone else over me.

I am good now! Learnt a lot about myself in the last few years, changed jobs and lifestyle and realised that I enjoyed my own company when I wasn’t worrying about whether someone liked me or not. I love me!

gutted about feb guy still but we move on and move up! (Hopefully… ha!)

With your situation, it doesn’t matter who he is with, someone you know or not. Either way, when you find out, you will hurt. As I said, it took me a long time to get over it as I had been pretending I was okay with casual but turned out I had developed feelings.

You will get there. Just ride the emotion and have a good cry. It always helps to have a release. You’ll fall in love again and next time it will hopefully be with someone who deserves your love.

Thank you for your beautiful words and I’m really glad you came through it and that you could recognise a similar pattern in feb man means you’ve truly grown and are able to protect yourself, you should be really really proud because trust me, that’s not easy to do

 

[Blueblue123]

Has anyone seen this post from Bumble? And they've removed all their older posts.



It's saying dating needs a wake up call and there will be some kind of new version on 30 April.

I wonder if use of the app dropped off and they're realising the app actually needs to feel like it's working in people's favour.

 

[IGiveUp22]

Has anyone seen this post from Bumble? And they've removed all their older posts.



It's saying dating needs a wake up call and there will be some kind of new version on 30 April.

I wonder if use of the app dropped off and they're realising the app actually needs to feel like it's working in people's favour.

Oo this is interesting, I’ll be interested to know what they’re changing and how it goes etc

 

[al255]

As I got past my early 20s, I realised I can't have FWB no matter how hard I try and keep it simple and attempt to not catch feelings.. some FWB I've been in have fucked me up more than long term relationships. I was able to leave my 3 year relationships years ago when it wasn't working with ease and not much heartbreak.. but getting over a fwb is the worst!

 

[LaBlonde]

Has anyone seen this post from Bumble? And they've removed all their older posts.



It's saying dating needs a wake up call and there will be some kind of new version on 30 April.

I wonder if use of the app dropped off and they're realising the app actually needs to feel like it's working in people's favour.

the lawsuits against the match group probably pushed this decision too:

Are dating apps fuelling addiction? Lawsuit against Tinder, Hinge and Match claims so | Dating | The Guardian

Platforms accused of encouraging compulsive use by gamifying users’ attention and romantic investment

amp.theguardian.com

i don’t think tinder/match officially owns bumble anymore so the cynic in me says it’s good pr for them to be like “look we’re working to change! look at our improvements to suit YOU!” while their ex-parent company and all their apps (including hinge) is floundering with legal action.

my main issue with bumble honestly is that its USP (women message first) is only a good idea in theory. likewise the motifs and the short period of time to respond to a match. it needs a huge overhaul but it’s hard to think of “improvements” to dating apps as the general vibe of them is toxic top to bottom atm.

 

[Rayne]

Has anyone seen this post from Bumble? And they've removed all their older posts.



It's saying dating needs a wake up call and there will be some kind of new version on 30 April.

I wonder if use of the app dropped off and they're realising the app actually needs to feel like it's working in people's favour.

Seeing as bumble has a lot to answer for for causing this epidemic of low effort men I sincerely hope they are implementing things like bans for men who never reply to messages after matching etc. I said I’m never using bumble again, and unless they bring in features like that I’ve got no interest in it

 

[w8g]

My fear is that this update on 30th April is to push more paid features to users. Paid features that no one asked for, like AI generated messages (!!)
We all know they are struggling with ARPU and retention.
But bumble not being owned by Match group gives me a tiny glimmer of hope.

 

[IGiveUp22]

Just an update on my situation - we’ve agreed that we stop and just remain “friends”. We’re not friends and we never will be since we’ve crossed the line but by “friends” I mean not falling out etc.

I’m just in awe of people that can not develop feelings in a FWB situation. Especially one that feels quite intimate if that makes sense? Even if it’s not feelings for that person, I don’t know how you can like for example, cuddle someone the entire night, message consistently, give them silly “gifts” and not want to/start building a connection for something more substantial?

I’ve known it wasn’t a situation for me, I’ve tried it now and confirmed it’s not..it served a purpose as before this, I’d not had sex for over a year (actually the last person I slept with was this guy ) and I do feel a bit sad but I think that’s more partly my hormones and partly just sad because I haven’t met anyone yet that actually wants to be in a proper relationship with me (admittedly, I haven’t really been properly dating). I’m glad it’s stopped now before I got any deeper in and assumed he was wanting/open to more which it appears if he is open to more, it isn’t with me

I know I’ll be absolutely fine in a couple of days and got lots to look forward to that don’t involve men/relationships. Will try again after to date after I finally get a house

 

[Guyyyyyzzzzzz]

Seeing as bumble has a lot to answer for for causing this epidemic of low effort men I sincerely hope they are implementing things like bans for men who never reply to messages after matching etc. I said I’m never using bumble again, and unless they bring in features like that I’ve got no interest in it

I thought bumble would be different because of the way that it works with women messaging first. But I agree, the amount of times where I’ve matched with men and they don’t reply it did trigger me (those thoughts of what’s wrong with me, did I say the wrong thing etc).

I honestly don’t get why you would swipe an choose not to speak? It’s baffling. Like men that say if you message me saying hiya etc I’ll unmatch. I avoid those men. Because I do message things like that cause I’m polite? Do they want us to message hey fancy a shag? Because I can’t imagine that would go down well ether. (I don’t speak like that so I could never). It’s a mess.

 

[harveydean]

I thought bumble would be different because of the way that it works with women messaging first. But I agree, the amount of times where I’ve matched with men and they don’t reply it did trigger me (those thoughts of what’s wrong with me, did I say the wrong thing etc).

I honestly don’t get why you would swipe an choose not to speak? It’s baffling. Like men that say if you message me saying hiya etc I’ll unmatch. I avoid those men. Because I do message things like that cause I’m polite? Do they want us to message hey fancy a shag? Because I can’t imagine that would go down well ether. (I don’t speak like that so I could never). It’s a mess.

Most men want to sit there and be served. The apps have just enabled this behaviour more.

 

[freezelouise43]

As I got past my early 20s, I realised I can't have FWB no matter how hard I try and keep it simple and attempt to not catch feelings.. some FWB I've been in have fucked me up more than long term relationships. I was able to leave my 3 year relationships years ago when it wasn't working with ease and not much heartbreak.. but getting over a fwb is the worst!

Gosh I am with you on this!! I’ve left a 7 year relationship and been absolutely fine but this thing last year…Jesus I’m still a mess my friend says it’s because with an FWB you’re constantly stuck on the “demo version” and you get a glimpse of the full paid version but never the full thing…I guess we put FWBs on a pedestal because we never get to actually see all their flaws or things that would irritate us, it’s like a filtered relationship! @IGiveUp22 don’t worry I haven’t had sex since last year with my FWB you’re not alone xx

 

[Rachel the reader]

So glad I found this thread need advice. Been speaking to a guy on Tinder for a week now and he said on Friday what's your plans for the weekend. So I told home what I was up to and that I wasn't really doing much on Sunday. He was like I'm free Sunday too..... Nothing else.
So asked if he wants to get coffee or something and he said he would like this....nothing else.
So I asked when he wants to meet and he was like when suits you. I'm so busy could try and make time. I said if this week doesn't work could do next weekend and he was like yeah I'd love that....nothing else.

Am I overthinking it or is he non commital? He's avoiding making solid plans to me.

 

[HelloStereo]

So glad I found this thread need advice. Been speaking to a guy on Tinder for a week now and he said on Friday what's your plans for the weekend. So I told home what I was up to and that I wasn't really doing much on Sunday. He was like I'm free Sunday too..... Nothing else.
So asked if he wants to get coffee or something and he said he would like this....nothing else.
So I asked when he wants to meet and he was like when suits you. I'm so busy could try and make time. I said if this week doesn't work could do next weekend and he was like yeah I'd love that....nothing else.

Am I overthinking it or is he non commital? He's avoiding making solid plans to me.

Yes that would annoy me too, it's like getting blood out of a stone.

I'd leave things with him now and see if he makes firm plans. You've already suggested coffee on Sunday and his response was just "I'd like that" whereas really you'd expect them to say "great, how about x time at x place?"

 

[w8g]

So glad I found this thread need advice. Been speaking to a guy on Tinder for a week now and he said on Friday what's your plans for the weekend. So I told home what I was up to and that I wasn't really doing much on Sunday. He was like I'm free Sunday too..... Nothing else.
So asked if he wants to get coffee or something and he said he would like this....nothing else.
So I asked when he wants to meet and he was like when suits you. I'm so busy could try and make time. I said if this week doesn't work could do next weekend and he was like yeah I'd love that....nothing else.

Am I overthinking it or is he non commital? He's avoiding making solid plans to me.

I nope the duck out with these sort of half hearted replies. I don’t have the emotional energy to waste on such people. It takes two to make a meeting happen but it reads to me like you’re the one doing all the heavy lifting.

 

[Blueblue123]

the lawsuits against the match group probably pushed this decision too:

Are dating apps fuelling addiction? Lawsuit against Tinder, Hinge and Match claims so | Dating | The Guardian

Platforms accused of encouraging compulsive use by gamifying users’ attention and romantic investment

amp.theguardian.com

i don’t think tinder/match officially owns bumble anymore so the cynic in me says it’s good pr for them to be like “look we’re working to change! look at our improvements to suit YOU!” while their ex-parent company and all their apps (including hinge) is floundering with legal action.

my main issue with bumble honestly is that its USP (women message first) is only a good idea in theory. likewise the motifs and the short period of time to respond to a match. it needs a huge overhaul but it’s hard to think of “improvements” to dating apps as the general vibe of them is toxic top to bottom atm.

Seeing as bumble has a lot to answer for for causing this epidemic of low effort men I sincerely hope they are implementing things like bans for men who never reply to messages after matching etc. I said I’m never using bumble again, and unless they bring in features like that I’ve got no interest in it

Most men want to sit there and be served. The apps have just enabled this behaviour more.

Judging by their choice of memes they seem to be calling out low effort from men so maybe something to do with that.

If that's what it is I wonder how they'll approach it without making men feel attacked or coming across too strict.

Or maybe they chose their memes because the app was intended to cater to women and make dating a better experience for us.

I doubt whatever it is will entice me to redownload, but it might be the start of some kind of change because the apps have helped to ruin modern dating.
---

So glad I found this thread need advice. Been speaking to a guy on Tinder for a week now and he said on Friday what's your plans for the weekend. So I told home what I was up to and that I wasn't really doing much on Sunday. He was like I'm free Sunday too..... Nothing else.
So asked if he wants to get coffee or something and he said he would like this....nothing else.
So I asked when he wants to meet and he was like when suits you. I'm so busy could try and make time. I said if this week doesn't work could do next weekend and he was like yeah I'd love that....nothing else.

Am I overthinking it or is he non commital? He's avoiding making solid plans to me.

I would honestly unmatch. He seems disinterested and you haven't even met yet. Imagine what he'd be like as an actual boyfriend.

 

[HelloStereo]

Judging by their choice of memes they seem to be calling out low effort from men so maybe something to do with that.

If that's what it is I wonder how they'll approach it without making men feel attacked or coming across too strict.

Or maybe they chose their memes because the app was intended to cater to women and make dating a better experience for us.

I doubt whatever it is will entice me to redownload, but it might be the start of some kind of change because the apps have helped to ruin modern dating.
---



I would honestly unmatch. He seems disinterested and you haven't even met yet. Imagine what he'd be like as an actual boyfriend.

Or he's just one of those very boring people who has no opinion on anything. You know when you ask what they like doing and they go "a bit of this and a bit of that." "I like staying in but I also like going out."

Or if you ask where they'd like to go out to eat and they go "I don't mind really. I'm easy."

 

[EddyDarling]

Hello everyone will give me tuppence worth on bumble later

Just sharing the day I'm having in Brighton with me and my kids