Dating after lockdown #32 IM GOOD BEING PURE DRY (on a big jeep yatch)

[LaBlonde]

Aww thank you. Work has been mental lately, so that’s taken up a lot of my time. It’s eased a little now. I hope all is good with you, lovely

I had a date on Sunday afternoon, after chatting for over a month. It went really well, he hugged me goodbye, said about meeting again and he’d text me later. By later that night, I hadn’t heard anything so decided to cut to the chase and message him, saying I’d had a nice time and maybe we could do it again sometime. He said he was sorry he hadn’t messaged me, his mum had fallen and needed to go to hospital, and he’d been a bit upset. He said he’d had a great time too but made no comment in response to me saying about doing it again. I believed him about his mum (and took the lack of response to another date being due to all he had on his mind), but equally worried I was being bullshitted after the date. Isn’t it terrible the scars dating leaves behind, so much so that I’d question if this man’s mother falling is genuine?!

However, he’s not been in touch since. So I’m left feeling slightly irritated, and a combination of feeling bad I’m questioning the truth but equally feeling that men will say utter tit before they have the balls to say that they simply didn’t think we were the right fit and, you know, I don’t want to see you again, contrary to what I said to your face. I think I’ll drop him a line later and see the reaction. I’ll soon have an answer, one way or another. What a palaver!

i truly don’t know how difficult it is to just say “hey, i had a great time but, thinking about it more, i don’t see this going on further” or something?

it is awful to reach the point where you think a man could lie about that but i think it’s natural in this my nan stole my phone era - i’m not sure if i would message him later or leave it up to him but it’s all so frustrating.

can only second what harvey says above: we put too much on does he like me what’s he thinking what does it mean when he doesn’t text me back when it should be: how am I feeling about this?

 

[Fledgling Psycho]

These guys haven't progressed from "the dog ate my homework" it's as simple as that. What a pathetic bunch they are. I think the funeral one was probably the most inventive and irritating in my experience. Followed by blocking just screams bullshit & bollocks. Ugh.

 

[triesherbest]

i know i get flak here for having a somewhat skewed perspective on my situation, but i have to say i don't think he was 100% clear with me from the start.

when he said he can't promise a relationship, he said specifically it's because we'd only met once.
he also knew from the start that i was ultimately looking for a relationship - i said it on the first date over drinks.
when we started getting super intimate and talking all the time and i asked him about things, he said it's too early but he does like me and wants to keep seeing me, he's just worried i like him more at that point.
which is fair enough, i admitted it was probably too early, but i was clear from the beginning i was looking for exclusivity if we enjoyed each others company and had chemistry.

after that there was the super coupley behaviour in person, and checking in over text etc.

i think he worded things in such a way that i would hold out hope because he knew i liked him, and would meet up again for some hot sex. he never once said he wanted things to be casual. he literally told me he was a relationship kind of guy. so of course cause i liked him i kept speaking to him.

anyway i've heard nothing for 2 days. just thought i'd update because i've gone through all the moping and at this point i don't even want him, i'm just angry. women aren't just a buffet you can choose from and keep stringing along. if i don't hear from him again he was never worth it anyway.

in future, if my gut instinct tells me a guy isn't into me, i'm going to listen to it from the start to save all this wasted time.

 

[BWGossip]

An ex-coworker once received a message from her date's brother telling her that '[date's name] died yesterday'. The guy gave his body to science and there was no ceremony but she still sent flowers and a touching message to his relatives. 5+ years later, she sees her bleeping date in the newspaper (with pictures and name)! He was alive! She reached out to the ex-girlfriend of the brother on Facebook: the guy couldn't bring himself to break up with her and asked his brother to help him lie about his death!

Now, she laughs about it (and bring it up whenever people talk about unhinge exes) but at the time she genuinely mourned him, even though they didn't date for long. She was hurt when she found the truth (but then realised she dodged the biggest bullet). I don't know what's happening in some men's heads tbh, being honest is not that hard

I sent him a message back and told him my time is too valuable to be a don’t know. I feel a bit mean this morning, but it’s the truth.

Not mean at all! If you know what you want (serious relationship or marriage + kids) you have to date people who have the same goal/mentality from the start and are as keen as you. My old boss wasted 10 years waiting for a guy who 'wasn't sure', her advice was always to never waste your time on people like that: it's either an enthusiastic yes or a no.

Honestly, I'm more of a casual dater but I'd not take it kindly if someone told me 'I don't know how I feel about you'. Don't worry, someone else will be enthusiastic about going out with me. Having to convince someone you are worthy of them is never a good start for a relationship, casual or not.

ETA : @triesherbest Block him! Learn from your past: no more 'situationship', no more waiting around for guys to see your value. Find someone who wants to be with you, no buts or ifs.

 

[HelloStereo]

These guys haven't progressed from "the dog ate my homework" it's as simple as that. What a pathetic bunch they are. I think the funeral one was probably the most inventive and irritating in my experience. Followed by blocking just screams bullshit & bollocks. Ugh.

I think people don't realise how much not being direct and honest hurts.

I'm guessing even the person with the best self esteem might be left wondering if someone ghosts / breadcrumbs etc. It's a horrible situation to be in.

 

[blueblue]

i know i get flak here for having a somewhat skewed perspective on my situation, but i have to say i don't think he was 100% clear with me from the start.

when he said he can't promise a relationship, he said specifically it's because we'd only met once.
he also knew from the start that i was ultimately looking for a relationship - i said it on the first date over drinks.
when we started getting super intimate and talking all the time and i asked him about things, he said it's too early but he does like me and wants to keep seeing me, he's just worried i like him more at that point.
which is fair enough, i admitted it was probably too early, but i was clear from the beginning i was looking for exclusivity if we enjoyed each others company and had chemistry.

after that there was the super coupley behaviour in person, and checking in over text etc.

i think he worded things in such a way that i would hold out hope because he knew i liked him, and would meet up again for some hot sex. he never once said he wanted things to be casual. he literally told me he was a relationship kind of guy. so of course cause i liked him i kept speaking to him.

anyway i've heard nothing for 2 days. just thought i'd update because i've gone through all the moping and at this point i don't even want him, i'm just angry. women aren't just a buffet you can choose from and keep stringing along. if i don't hear from him again he was never worth it anyway.

in future, if my gut instinct tells me a guy isn't into me, i'm going to listen to it from the start to save all this wasted time.

I do remember you saying at one point the vibe changed during a conversation, so I think your gut is working just fine and can be relied on for future adventures. X

 

[HelloStereo]

An ex-coworker once received a message from her date's brother telling her that '[date's name] died yesterday'. The guy gave his body to science and there was no ceremony but she still sent flowers and a touching message to his relatives. 5+ years later, she sees her bleeping date in the newspaper (with pictures and name)! He was alive! She reached out to the ex-girlfriend of the brother on Facebook: the guy couldn't bring himself to break up with her and asked his brother to help him lie about his death!

Now, she laughs about it (and bring it up whenever people talk about unhinge exes) but at the time she genuinely mourned him, even though they didn't date for long. She was hurt when she found the truth (but then realised she dodged the biggest bullet). I don't know what's happening in some men's heads tbh, being honest is not that hard


Not mean at all! If you know what you want (serious relationship or marriage + kids) you have to date people who have the same goal/mentality from the start and are as keen as you. My old boss wasted 10 years waiting for a guy who 'wasn't sure', her advice was always to never waste your time on people like that: it's either an enthusiastic yes or a no.

Honestly, I'm more of a casual dater but I'd not take it kindly if someone told me 'I don't know how I feel about you'. Don't worry, someone else will be enthusiastic about going out with me. Having to convince someone you are worthy fo them is never a good start for a relationship, casual or not.

That's absolutely awful and the sort of thing that can really affect someone's mental health and wellbeing. I had someone lie to me about having cancer and being in hospital and I found out it was all a lie and he was married. I blocked him and I deleted everything to do with him but I'd be lying if I said I don't think of it from time to time even now and feel sad that someone could stoop to that level of deceit.

 

[LaBlonde]

That's absolutely awful and the sort of thing that can really affect someone's mental health and wellbeing. I had someone lie to me about having cancer and being in hospital and I found out it was all a lie and he was married. I blocked him and I deleted everything to do with him but I'd be lying if I said I don't think of it from time to time even now and feel sad that someone could stoop to that level of deceit.

i remember your thread about that here i think it’s to your credit that you handled that situation with so much patience and empathy tbh because that man was unhinged - you truly can’t believe the levels people will sink to in order to avoid just telling the TRUTH.

 

[Fledgling Psycho]

I think people don't realise how much not being direct and honest hurts.

I'm guessing even the person with the best self esteem might be left wondering if someone ghosts / breadcrumbs etc. It's a horrible situation to be in.

And benching!

 

[HelloStereo]

i remember your thread about that here i think it’s to your credit that you handled that situation with so much patience and empathy tbh because that man was unhinged - you truly can’t believe the levels people will sink to in order to avoid just telling the TRUTH.

Thank you, I do think it was somewhat unusual behaviour for him to lie for months about cancer and go into such painstaking detail. I had so many thoughts go through my head like how does he maintain a marriage for so long if he is like this.

It was the weirdest dating experience I have had but I know what I craved and what upset me the most is that I lost what I imagined the person to be, and not what he is. In the early days of blocking I was so tempted to unblock at times and message, but for what? He thinks nothing of cheating on his wife and lying to me, he doesn't deserve to be in my life. He didn't deserve any kindness or empathy but I couldn't change the past, only how I act in the present moment.

I'm quite proud of myself that I stuck to that as in the past I have definitely allowed guys to treat me badly and get away with it. They never like or respect you more if you allow them to walk all over you. I think most people learn that eventually though, even if it is the hard way.

 

[Fledgling Psycho]

The behaviour reminds me of a neighbour who was cleaning for someone and broke an ornament. She did not confess and just put it back. Later on the client said she had to terminate her, not for broken ornament (that was an accident) but her lack of honesty. I've just been musing on that.

 

[LaBlonde]

Thank you, I do think it was somewhat unusual behaviour for him to lie for months about cancer and go into such painstaking detail. I had so many thoughts go through my head like how does he maintain a marriage for so long if he is like this.

It was the weirdest dating experience I have had but I know what I craved and what upset me the most is that I lost what I imagined the person to be, and not what he is. In the early days of blocking I was so tempted to unblock at times and message, but for what? He thinks nothing of cheating on his wife and lying to me, he doesn't deserve to be in my life. He didn't deserve any kindness or empathy but I couldn't change the past, only how I act in the present moment.

I'm quite proud of myself that I stuck to that as in the past I have definitely allowed guys to treat me badly and get away with it. They never like or respect you more if you allow them to walk all over you. I think most people learn that eventually though, even if it is the hard way.

i think some men just love the fantasy (if that makes sense?) and, rather than working through or facing up to whatever issues they may have, they chose to create these increasingly warped fantasy lives instead of admitting to themselves what they actually feel.

i think for you, as with anything, it’s the loss of both who you thought that person was and the potential of what you could have had together. but again like you say, he was a liar who was fully prepared to cheat on his wife and make up really messed up lies.

i’m proud of you too! x

 

[HelloStereo]

The behaviour reminds me of a neighbour who was cleaning for someone and broke an ornament. She did not confess and just put it back. Later on the client said she had to terminate her, not for broken ornament (that was an accident) but her lack of honesty. I've just been musing on that.

Honesty is the foundation of any relationship whether it's with friends, colleagues or significant others. If someone has to tell you they're really honest they probably aren't.
---

i think some men just love the fantasy (if that makes sense?) and, rather than working through or facing up to whatever issues they may have, they chose to create these increasingly warped fantasy lives instead of admitting to themselves what they actually feel.

i think for you, as with anything, it’s the loss of both who you thought that person was and the potential of what you could have had together. but again like you say, he was a liar who was fully prepared to cheat on his wife and make up really messed up lies.

i’m proud of you too! x

Thank you and you're absolutely spot on . He would talk to me about living in my city, teaching me DIY, cooking for me (as he loved cooking etc). I didn't see that so much as love bombing but like you said, he was trying to create a fantasy to escape his life. Maybe he was feeling unfulfilled and felt the need to create a completely different person.

It was also the loss of those potential things for me but hopefully I will find them with someone who isn't going to lie to me and is honest and not married haha.

 

[IGiveUp22]

@triesherbest i see it from both sides your situation. He probably thought he was being honest but the way he did it, he left hope for you. I can understand why you felt you were potentially going to be on the same page eventually. I do remember you saying he changed a bit during these conversations so yeah, your gut is fine. I think the lesson to take away from this one is to try keep perspective and stay grounded. You didn’t know him long enough/well enough before you wanted to close things off…due to the constant messages etc I think you sort of built things up to be more than they were (I’ve done this too) but men seem to be able to have this level of emotional intimacy and ultimately not want to take it any further. So I think just take things a bit slower next time.

Lying is the worst thing for me. Massive dealbreaker and this is because I was with a pathological liar for just short of a year. He lied about anything and everything. He was a poor man’s tinder swindler. I can laugh at some of the things now but honestly, the emotional abuse & emotional toll that the lies put on me will likely stay with me forever. Does make dating hard since the majority of men are incapable of being honest

 

[Kitty kat 20]

@triesherbest I agree with you that this guy was not 100% clear with you.

He blurred lines with you, if he didn't want anything serious he should have not spent so much time with you, texted you loads etc

I feel he was looking for all of the perks of a relationship without calling it one.

You deserve so much better than this. You were clear from the start with him. If he didn't want that he should have walked away but instead he chose to mess you about.

 

[HelloStereo]

i know i get flak here for having a somewhat skewed perspective on my situation, but i have to say i don't think he was 100% clear with me from the start.

when he said he can't promise a relationship, he said specifically it's because we'd only met once.
he also knew from the start that i was ultimately looking for a relationship - i said it on the first date over drinks.
when we started getting super intimate and talking all the time and i asked him about things, he said it's too early but he does like me and wants to keep seeing me, he's just worried i like him more at that point.
which is fair enough, i admitted it was probably too early, but i was clear from the beginning i was looking for exclusivity if we enjoyed each others company and had chemistry.

after that there was the super coupley behaviour in person, and checking in over text etc.

i think he worded things in such a way that i would hold out hope because he knew i liked him, and would meet up again for some hot sex. he never once said he wanted things to be casual. he literally told me he was a relationship kind of guy. so of course cause i liked him i kept speaking to him.

anyway i've heard nothing for 2 days. just thought i'd update because i've gone through all the moping and at this point i don't even want him, i'm just angry. women aren't just a buffet you can choose from and keep stringing along. if i don't hear from him again he was never worth it anyway.

in future, if my gut instinct tells me a guy isn't into me, i'm going to listen to it from the start to save all this wasted time.

I don't know why, but when he said he was worried you like him more at that point, that would make me feel uneasy if I were you. I think because in the past the guys who have said to me "you like me more than I like you" have never been the ones I have had any sort of long term relationship with. If I carried on seeing them they'd always refer to it and be like "see I told you I wasn't as into it as you are, you didn't listen to me."

Find someone who likes you as much as you like them.

 

[pbontoast]

I feel like clarity is so important. I've definitely been strung along in the past by guys who were very good at giving the impression of being serious, without actually clarifying where they stood. I'm on a dating break at the moment (in part because I kept running across poor communicators) but I will be looking for clear communication from now on. I’ve ignored my gut instinct so many times and although it does feel very strange to step away, it’s something I’m working on getting better at. Wish there was a switch in my brain to make it easier though

 

[Universal]

Valid ick. You're not a cartoon. Change your clothes.

Totally nominating this as the next thread title!

 

[Kitty kat 20]

Also triesherbest don't know why it won't let me tag you but correct me if I'm wrong but I remember you having a conversation with him and him saying you should go on the pill and you took that as a sign of him wanting something more serious and I'm not judging you. I myself have analysed stuff from guys so I do understand believe me but I saw it as him just being sensible.

I understand you were vunerable after being ghosted and you really wanted something with this guy but sometimes its so hard to see things for what they are, I agree he could of been clearer but I also think part of you ignored some signs. Dating is a learning process and I'm still learning everyday.

 

[triesherbest]

I don't know why, but when he said he was worried you like him more at that point, that would make me feel uneasy if I were you. I think because in the past the guys who have said to me "you like me more than I like you" have never been the ones I have had any sort of long term relationship with. If I carried on seeing them they'd always refer to it and be like "see I told you I wasn't as into it as you are, you didn't listen to me."

Find someone who likes you as much as you like them.

it did make me feel hella uneasy. i replied to that with 'that sounds to me as if you know already' and his answer was 'i don't know yet, i think it's too early to have these talks'. but i LiKeD him so i just kept going along with the messaging and meeting him, because i had hope

@blueblue @IGiveUp22 @Kitty kat 20 thank you guys and yes kitty kat, i definitely ignored some signs. i just don't get why he couldn't be straight with me when i brought it up. i made it clear i wanted an honest answer. in future, definitely trusting my gut.