Dating after lockdown #32 IM GOOD BEING PURE DRY (on a big jeep yatch)

[Fledgling Psycho]

That's the beauty of this thread. We are all learning to trust our gut. I've ignored mine ...oh umpteen times. It was always right. The thing is that it's like the rungs of the ladder. Sometimes you don't want to take the next step because you might have to take the step of being on your own side. And that's scary for people pleasers especially I think.
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If they're on their side and you're on their side, who's on your side? Read that somewhere years ago.

 

[triesherbest]

That's the beauty of this thread. We are all learning to trust our gut. I've ignored mine ...oh umpteen times. It was always right. The thing is that it's like the rungs of the ladder. Sometimes you don't want to take the next step because you might have to take the step of being on your own side. And that's scary for people pleasers especially I think.

mine has always been right too. i am also a chronic people pleaser.

i feel like i have a lot in common with so many of you here

 

[MsCurly]

I went on another coffee date this afternoon. I highly recommend them. They’re short, but give you enough time to figure out whether someone is a serial killer, idiot, or genuine person.

Today’s victim was a finance bro I met through Hinge. When I asked him what he’s looking for in a woman, he could only come up with: ‘I want a girl who will pack my lunch for me’.
And that was it. That was all the input he could give me in regards to dating and what he wants out of a relationship. So I took my iced latte with me and skedaddled out of there, because I cannot deal with someone that vapid, superficial or just plain simple. At this point in life I expect more, and I’m not going to offer up my free lunch hour for boys with mommy issues, who need a caretaker instead of a partner. Previously I used to ignore all red flags, but that only brought me misery. So at the first sight of a red flag, I just run. And not knowing what you want, is a red flag to me. Some people really need to do better. Ew.

 

[Belle123]

i truly don’t know how difficult it is to just say “hey, i had a great time but, thinking about it more, i don’t see this going on further” or something?

it is awful to reach the point where you think a man could lie about that but i think it’s natural in this my nan stole my phone era - i’m not sure if i would message him later or leave it up to him but it’s all so frustrating.

can only second what harvey says above: we put too much on does he like me what’s he thinking what does it mean when he doesn’t text me back when it should be: how am I feeling about this?

I’ve been in two minds over messaging him later. A big part of me wants to leave it because I don’t chase and prefer to give space to things, especially if any of what he said is true, but then there’s a little part of me that’s wanting to text because I’m worried what he’s said is true and I don’t want to look uncaring. That’s the only part where I’m having a dilemma. I think I’ve concluded that, if he’s interested and this wasn’t a blow-off, he’ll be in touch. Simple as. If he’s lied about something like this, then not only will I never hear from him again but, crikey, I do not want to be around anyone who would stoop so low.

I do like him and enjoyed our date, but was thinking earlier how disappointed I am by his lack of consideration, even if this has truly happened to him. It’s not hard to send a simple text to keep in contact. If he’s not lying then, being logical, he’ll be worried about his mother, and has had to travel for work, so I’ll give some leeway. But once that limit is reached, I’ll delete and move on. It’s so draining! I can’t even tell if someone’s mother is genuinely hurt or if it’s another cowardly, elaborate excuse - it’s surely easier to say you weren’t feeling it?

 

[LaBlonde]

I’ve been in two minds over messaging him later. A big part of me wants to leave it because I don’t chase and prefer to give space to things, especially if any of what he said is true, but then there’s a little part of me that’s wanting to text because I’m worried what he’s said is true and I don’t want to look uncaring. That’s the only part where I’m having a dilemma. I think I’ve concluded that, if he’s interested and this wasn’t a blow-off, he’ll be in touch. Simple as. If he’s lied about something like this, crikey, I do not want to be around anyone who would stoop so low.

I do like him and enjoyed our date, but was thinking earlier how disappointed I am by his lack of consideration, even if this has truly happened to him. It’s not hard to send a simple text to keep in contact. If he’s not lying then, being logical, he’ll be worried about his mother, and has had to travel for work, so I’ll give some leeway. But once that limit is reached, I’ll delete and move on. It’s so draining! I can’t even tell if someone’s mother is genuinely hurt or if it’s another cowardly, elaborate excuse - it’s surely easier to say you weren’t feeling it?

you would like to think that no one would lie about something happening to their mother so i hear you. if it is true, then it’s understandable that the date isn’t at the forefront of his mind right now. did he end his last message to you with “will message when i can” or something?

there’s no harm to message and just say you’re checking everything is okay, assuming it’s true and he might be all over the place and see what he says. to me, it all then relies on his response really, like you say.

 

[Belle123]

you would like to think that no one would lie about something happening to their mother so i hear you. if it is true, then it’s understandable that the date isn’t at the forefront of his mind right now. did he end his last message to you with “will message when i can” or something?

there’s no harm to message and just say you’re checking everything is okay, assuming it’s true and he might be all over the place and see what he says. to me, it all then relies on his response really, like you say.

Exactly, it wouldn’t be my priority if it were me, trying to juggle my commitments with the situation. I get you don’t owe anyone much after one date too. It would be nice if he’d pinged me a message by now, but I also understand why he hasn’t if this is all a genuine situation.

So I said something like I’d enjoyed the date and maybe we could do something else soon, if he wanted to. He replied saying about his mum and acknowledged he’d had a great time too. But no comment on meeting again, when he had a clear opportunity to respond to me. He had an out if he wanted it too. He didn’t jump on it and agree, but it comes full circle to a date not being at the forefront of his mind when his mum has just had a fall. So it’s not especially clear-cut, but you can see why I’ve wondered if it was all an elaborate way to say “not interested”.

I know I’m projecting my anxieties onto it, because we all know how far some men will go to lie in these situations and how messed around we’ve all been. I’m a little tired of it. That’s not this particular man’s fault. It’s a me problem right now. It’s also really not complicated at this stage - you’re either in or out, and please don’t waste my time if it’s out. Show some decency and tell me the truth.

 

[Fledgling Psycho]

@MsCurly What an absolute zombie you encountered there! Good for you. It's a humorous tale though.
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@Belle123 Beautiful Belle I hate to think of someone mistreating you. For what it's worth I wouldn't message but I'm a cynical old bag these days but I think it's up to him really to explain. X

 

[Belle123]

@MsCurly What an absolute zombie you encountered there! Good for you. It's a humorous tale though.
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@Belle123 Beautiful Belle I hate to think of someone mistreating you. For what it's worth I wouldn't message but I'm a cynical old bag these days but I think it's up to him really to explain. X

Aww thank you so much. I’m inclined to agree. Let him come to me, and it’s as simple as that! I am always sad to read what you’ve been put through. You don’t deserve any of it. It makes you cynical - look how cynical I am currently being You’re so lovely and I hope you’re doing ok x

 

[LaBlonde]

Exactly, it wouldn’t be my priority if it were me, trying to juggle my commitments with the situation. I get you don’t owe anyone much after one date too. It would be nice if he’d pinged me a message by now, but I also understand why he hasn’t if this is all a genuine situation.

So I said something like I’d enjoyed the date and maybe we could do something else soon, if he wanted to. He replied saying about his mum and acknowledged he’d had a great time too. But no comment on meeting again, when he had a clear opportunity to respond to me. He had an out if he wanted it too. He didn’t jump on it and agree, but it comes full circle to a date not being at the forefront of his mind when his mum has just had a fall. So it’s not especially clear-cut, but you can see why I’ve wondered if it was all an elaborate way to say “not interested”.

I know I’m projecting my anxieties onto it, because we all know how far some men will go to lie in these situations and how messed around we’ve all been. I’m a little tired of it. That’s not this particular man’s fault. It’s a me problem right now. It’s also really not complicated at this stage - you’re either in or out, and please don’t waste my time if it’s out. Show some decency and tell me the truth.

ooo that response is iffy then imo, i see where you’re coming from. if it was me, or most of us i think, and i wanted to see the person again i would tag on a “i might not be free for a while with all this but” and then maybe clarify when i likely would be or say “i’ll message when i am” rather than miss a clear chance to say yes or no.

it’s a shame we’re all so cynical now and, like you say, it isn’t this guy’s fault but i don’t get why people cannot just say what they want or what they mean.

 

[HelloStereo]

Exactly, it wouldn’t be my priority if it were me, trying to juggle my commitments with the situation. I get you don’t owe anyone much after one date too. It would be nice if he’d pinged me a message by now, but I also understand why he hasn’t if this is all a genuine situation.

So I said something like I’d enjoyed the date and maybe we could do something else soon, if he wanted to. He replied saying about his mum and acknowledged he’d had a great time too. But no comment on meeting again, when he had a clear opportunity to respond to me. He had an out if he wanted it too. He didn’t jump on it and agree, but it comes full circle to a date not being at the forefront of his mind when his mum has just had a fall. So it’s not especially clear-cut, but you can see why I’ve wondered if it was all an elaborate way to say “not interested”.

I know I’m projecting my anxieties onto it, because we all know how far some men will go to lie in these situations and how messed around we’ve all been. I’m a little tired of it. That’s not this particular man’s fault. It’s a me problem right now. It’s also really not complicated at this stage - you’re either in or out, and please don’t waste my time if it’s out. Show some decency and tell me the truth.

I don't think you're projecting your anxieties at all, you were direct with him and he was indirect in his response with you. I understand if his mum is hurt then going on dates might not be at the forefront of his mind, but he could have said something along the lines of "I has a nice time but my mum is unwell / hurt. I'd love to see you again when everything has calmed down."

I don't think it's unreasonable to expect people to be clear and honest. I think you've made where you stand clear and I'd leave the ball in his court. If he gets back to you suggesting another date you can ask about how his mum is if you don't want to appear uncaring. I don't think you would appear uncaring if you didn't send him a text tonight asking after her.

 

[harveydean]

Aww thank you so much. I’m inclined to agree. Let him come to me, and it’s as simple as that! I am always sad to read what you’ve been put through. You don’t deserve any of it. It makes you cynical - look how cynical I am currently being You’re so lovely and I hope you’re doing ok x

I would say he’s probably not interested…only because you invited him to reply to the second date, and he hasn’t.

My second date with the fireman was similar. He messaged me a few lines, one of which saying how nice it was to see me and let’s do it again.

I replied to the other lines but not about seeing him again.

If he’d messaged me again, I would’ve told him straight, but it was a “please read between the lines” situation, which he took as such.

 

[Belle123]

ooo that response is iffy then imo, i see where you’re coming from. if it was me, or most of us i think, and i wanted to see the person again i would tag on a “i might not be free for a while with all this but” and then maybe clarify when i likely would be or say “i’ll message when i am” rather than miss a clear chance to say yes or no.

it’s a shame we’re all so cynical now and, like you say, it isn’t this guy’s fault but i don’t get why people cannot just say what they want or what they mean.

I agree with you, as always! I also agree with what @harveydean has said and I think he’s not interested. It’s just not complicated when you like someone.

If I’ve given anyone some impression I’d see them again on the date, when I don’t want to, and that’s extremely rare for me, then when I get home I message to say it was nice meeting them but is not something I want to take further. I’d put them out of their misery and not make anyone guess. This situation could clearly warrant a “how are you” message and, for him, it’s not closed down. So it escalates into a slow fade and it’s uncomfortable for both people, especially the one - me in this instance - who’s left wondering why they were given misleading messages. It’s never nice not to have clarity. It’s why I advise people here to tell the person straight if they don’t want to meet again. Don’t blow them off with an excuse. The only exception is if you genuinely feel they were someone with a manipulative/controlling/angry streak. It’s justified to lie if you feel in danger/intimidated by them. Most people aren’t like that, though. Don’t avoid saying something uncomfortable just to make it easier for you… think about the other person and what they deserve from you, especially if you’ve given them any impression at all that there could be another date.
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I don't think you're projecting your anxieties at all, you were direct with him and he was indirect in his response with you. I understand if his mum is hurt then going on dates might not be at the forefront of his mind, but he could have said something along the lines of "I has a nice time but my mum is unwell / hurt. I'd love to see you again when everything has calmed down."

I don't think it's unreasonable to expect people to be clear and honest. I think you've made where you stand clear and I'd leave the ball in his court. If he gets back to you suggesting another date you can ask about how his mum is if you don't want to appear uncaring. I don't think you would appear uncaring if you didn't send him a text tonight asking after her.

Sorry, I meant projecting my anxieties onto analysing the situation, rather than anything I’ve said to him. I totally agree with what you say I’ve actually more than shown I’m caring, so it doesn’t need a message from me to demonstrate that. I’ve decided to leave it be. The only reason I’d reach out now is for shits and giggles and to see what he says

 

[Fledgling Psycho]

@freezelouise43 I think you are in the perfect position to IGNORE this selfish asshole. In fact I am quite jealous as it's my favourite pastime. For me ignoring is far more of a delicious retribution than a block. I also think IGNORING Assholes is pretty damned ASSERTIVE! Do it,do it,do it. You know your inner child wants to.

 

[juststatingthetruthx555]

Hi all… I dip in and out of these threads often. Can’t believe I’m asking this question but I feel as if I can’t really ask friends etc. When seeing each other is it expected to be in contact every day? How often is too much?

 

[LaBlonde]

Hi all… I dip in and out of these threads often. Can’t believe I’m asking this question but I feel as if I can’t really ask friends etc. When seeing each other is it expected to be in contact every day? How often is too much?

it’s a tricky one to answer because it fully depends on you and what works for you tbh! i’m fine with one or two texts a day, i have friends who can happily miss a day, i have other friends who expect constant contact and almost a long ongoing conversation. i know every lady here will have their own style too.

what feels right to you? or how is it at the moment? does it feel too little or too much?

 

[juststatingthetruthx555]

it’s a tricky one to answer because it fully depends on you and what works for you tbh! i’m fine with one or two texts a day, i have friends who can happily miss a day, i have other friends who expect constant contact and almost a long ongoing conversation. i know every lady here will have their own style too.

what feels right to you? or how is it at the moment? does it feel too little or too much?

Really difficult as it actually varies so much! We both have extremely busy lives so we can skip a day sometimes and then the next day non stop chatting voice notes back and forth and so on! I can be very much of an avoidant myself and hate clinginess but at the same time I don’t know what’s normal for the seeing each other phase… then again what is normal these days

 

[LaBlonde]

Really difficult as it actually varies so much! We both have extremely busy lives so we can skip a day sometimes and then the next day non stop chatting voice notes back and forth and so on! I can be very much of an avoidant myself and hate clinginess but at the same time I don’t know what’s normal for the seeing each other phase… then again what is normal these days

i don’t think there is a “normal” as such, it sounds like you have a nice balance for you both tbh! i wouldn’t stress about it

 

[freezelouise43]

@freezelouise43 I think you are in the perfect position to IGNORE this selfish asshole. In fact I am quite jealous as it's my favourite pastime. For me ignoring is far more of a delicious retribution than a block. I also think IGNORING Assholes is pretty damned ASSERTIVE! Do it,do it,do it. You know your inner child wants to.

Now this one I can do!!!

 

[dinosaursideways]

Now this one I can do!!!

Can you, because you've continued to respond to his contact e.g. by answering his calls, which is the opposite of ignoring him. You might not remember what you spoke about and so feel like it means less - but from his perspective, he continued to treat you terribly and you continued to answer when he calls.

Blocking is a form of assertiveness - that's you asserting your own boundaries. You don't need to speak to someone to confront them, you can confront them with your own self-respect when you deny them access to you e.g. by blocking them and never speaking to them ever again.

 

[triesherbest]

Just saw this youtube comment which resonates:

"When your hunger for love is stronger than your self love, you settle for situationships and crumbs"
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