Dating after lockdown #32 IM GOOD BEING PURE DRY (on a big jeep yatch)

[D2them]

Yay for the new thread!

VV and I had a talk last night, he told me I’m a lovely person and he appreciates my support, but he cannot commit to a serious relationship now due to financial issues. I’m glad he was honest with me, I feel so much better now that I don’t have any illusions and don’t pin my hopes onto him. I did not tell him anything about my feelings as I’m not 100% sure myself, the chemistry is very much there and the sex is great so I think we’ll continue as FWB while I’m still looking. I don’t think I will be waiting for him to change his mind and commit, it would be a lovely turn of events but very unlikely.

Sending much love to @Clementine and @Thank(space)you tonight

This has got disaster written all over it. What are "financial issues"?? Please bin this waste of time. It's not gonna end well.
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I saw this and thought of us

 

[bigmac22]

I’ve been lurking on and off this thread for a while and don’t think I’ve actually ever posted!! I absolutely love the supportiveness and honesty in this thread

Haven’t been on here in a while as I deleted the apps after a series of terrible dates, but finally caved and re-downloaded Hinge last week. Don’t know why I bothered as it’s the same old crappy men on rotation, but quite honestly I was glad for the break, and to take some time out and re-evaluate what I’m actually looking for!! Also the fatigue and having the same boring conversations was wearing me down so I’ve changed all my prompts but will probably get bored with it all over again very quickly

 

[Fledgling Psycho]

I had a message from Blkfun. "Where in the UK are you?" Translation "Checking if you're near enough to duck, no strings and little petrol money". duck off.

 

[Lalla]

Ladies I'd really appreciate some advice. I was seeing a guy for a while and we had to end things in May as he was moving away in July for work. The move got pushed back until October and I have seen him since and had such a lovely time but now he's become distant again. I know I need to move past this as clearly it was never going to work but I know he's on dating apps clearly looking for something casual in the meantime before he leaves and probably meeting other people.

I'm just really struggling with the feeling of rejection and the sadness that someone who I thought enjoyed my company would prefer to spend his last month here casually dating rather than enjoying seeing me while he can. I feel so deflated and I've just lost all self worth at this point.

Honestly this man is not worth your time and certainly not your sadness. I would be a bit sceptical about the whole 'moving away' thing, I know men who have spun that line (and it wasn't true). Agree wholeheartedly that he belongs in the bin.

Also @AgentCooper I'm sorry I have to agree with everyone else. Honestly the whole FWB thing always feels like a way for men to get the benefits of a relationship (regular sex and company) without any commitment or effort. If it's literally just sex then I can see how that works for both sides (although even that doesn't appeal to me now, the older I get the less interested in sex I am) but going on dates and such just blurs the boundaries. I don't want to see you get hurt by him messing you about.
And the fact he says he won't get into a relationship for financial reasons has given me the ick. If he has enough money to go on dates he has enough money for a relationship!

 

[dinosaursideways]

"Financial issues" as a reason for not committing sounds to me like "I'm in another relationship".

I once had similar excuses and after many permutations (I travel a lot for work>I'm having money issues>I don't live alone>I'm struggling to get my own place>it's complicated) eventually I found out the truth which was HE WAS LIVING AND IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH THE MOTHER OF HIS 6 MONTH OLD BABY.

 

[MsCurly]

I’m going through a bit of a tough time because my ex-boyfriend just got married to the woman he cheated on me with.

I’ve been playing this song all day, and I truly believe that Stevie Nicks did all of this for us scorned people.

 

[Pariszai]

Honestly this man is not worth your time and certainly not your sadness. I would be a bit sceptical about the whole 'moving away' thing, I know men who have spun that line (and it wasn't true). Agree wholeheartedly that he belongs in the bin.

Also @AgentCooper I'm sorry I have to agree with everyone else. Honestly the whole FWB thing always feels like a way for men to get the benefits of a relationship (regular sex and company) without any commitment or effort. If it's literally just sex then I can see how that works for both sides (although even that doesn't appeal to me now, the older I get the less interested in sex I am) but going on dates and such just blurs the boundaries. I don't want to see you get hurt by him messing you about.
And the fact he says he won't get into a relationship for financial reasons has given me the ick. If he has enough money to go on dates he has enough money for a relationship!

He's not worth my time and sadness and I do know that it's just I can't figure out how to stop feeling so hurt by the rejection, how to stop feeling like I'm not good enough. And stop feeling so sad and sick that he's probably doing what he did with me with somebody else while I lay here feeling sad, alone and like I'll never meet anyone else unfortunately dating options where I live are very limited

Moving away is legit I'm pretty certain, he was discussing it with some of his family members when I was around them all in the pub recently - unless they're all in on the lie 🫣

 

[Thank(space)you]

bleeping liar I am scheduling my dick appointments in as I type
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What happened?!
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Dating app Icks

Thought I’d maybe better create a thread specifically for dating app Icks since I keep clogging up the Ick thread with mine 😆 A hard pass… btw I’m 38, not 40-48. He must not be able to count or read….

tattle.life

Thought you might enjoy this new thread

 

[Thank(space)you]

Had a bit of a light bulb moment, neighbour probably has an avoidance attachment style. So it might genuinely not be about me!

 

[Universal]

He's not worth my time and sadness and I do know that it's just I can't figure out how to stop feeling so hurt by the rejection, how to stop feeling like I'm not good enough. And stop feeling so sad and sick that he's probably doing what he did with me with somebody else while I lay here feeling sad, alone and like I'll never meet anyone else unfortunately dating options where I live are very limited

Moving away is legit I'm pretty certain, he was discussing it with some of his family members when I was around them all in the pub recently - unless they're all in on the lie 🫣

I hope it’s not like when Chandler went to Yemen!

 

[dinosaursideways]

Had a bit of a light bulb moment, neighbour probably has an avoidance attachment style. So it might genuinely not be about me!

Can I ask....even if it was about you, what would that change? I understand trying to find an answer that will make you feel better but, I'm not sure there ever truly IS such an answer.

Either which way, there will always be thoughts/realisations/insights that feel like they offer comfort or a sense of control, but in my experience I still then find a way to end up feeling worse. Because in looking for the proof that "its him" you're trying disprove your belief (and your fear) that, actually, "its you". When it was going well with him it felt like it disproved that, everything your mother said about you, all your negative core beliefs (that your mum, cruelly and unkindly, gave you). But all of that process involves you still holding on to those core beliefs that hurt you and looking to other people for relief - and it can be hard to see when those other people are just reinforcing those beliefs.

It's still playing out that pattern of conditional love/externalising your value in someone else's treatment of you - and it makes complete sense in terms of what you've shared about your mum. Another way forward is to value yourself, put yourself first, focus on taking care of you and letting people in your life who make you feel good about yourself for who you, who treat you the way you deserve. You're allowed to love and value yourself right now, exactly as you are. It sucks that neighbour was so selfish and treated you how he did. My heart breaks for the things your mum has said to you. But there is no answer in him that will help you heal and move forward. The healing is in you.

(As an example of my experience. When I've been able to think "it's him" that still always lead to - why didn't I see it coming, why didn't I respect myself more, why did I let it happen, why did I let someone take advantage of me, why didn't I protect myself, why wasn't I good enough to change him/make him think differently, how could it be him when he did/said/was all these things I want, was it really him maybe it wasn't and there is something wrong with me and I need to find the answer so I can change myself so it won't happen again, it can't be him he was capable of love so it must still be me).

 

[LaBlonde]

I hope it’s not like when Chandler went to Yemen!

ngl i think of chandler “moving to yemen” every time i read these increasingly ridiculous excuses. we’ve had your cat scares me and financial reasons on the last few pages alone.

my address will be 1 yemen road, yemen!
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Are you referring to the same guy? If so, just cut all contact. What are you gaining from this?

As another poster pointed out, this isn’t anxious attachment. You are totally enough - to me you’re setting sights on the wrong guys. He told you at the beginning he wasn’t into anything serious, and you’re not going to be the one to change him - you aren’t being treated as a “duck doll” when he’s been straight with you from the start.

Please, get off the apps and take the rest of the summer to being with your friends and having fun. Build up your self worth and make MJ oh your single life!!

i’ve only just seen this but

@triesherbest - you have to stop engaging with this guy. he is not what you need and, in fairness to him, he made it clear that he was never going to be. you are gaining nothing from keeping up this casual contact or (in all honesty) convincing yourself that he saw you as a duck doll or has treated you appallingly. he didn’t want a relationship but he never misled you on that. you have to cut ties and move on now. but part of moving on is also accepting what happened in an accurate way, even if that means facing up to things about yourself. you can’t grow from it, or learn from it, if the recollection is skewed.

 

[EddyDarling]

What happened?!
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I am booked in to receive a duck tomorrow, I'm so excited!

How are you this morning?

 

[Thank(space)you]

I am booked in to receive a duck tomorrow, I'm so excited!

How are you this morning?

Enjoy! Haha

Yeah I'm okay, better than I have been all weekend so hopefully on the right path to feeling better.

 

[JombleWomble]

Hello!
I'm new to this thread but have had a little browse and it seems like such a kind, supportive group. It's lovely to see.

I am currently moping a bit so I hope no one minds if I just offload a bit here to get it off my chest?

Earlier this year I ended a 9-year relationship because he was military and I realised that I no longer loved him enough to be willing to live that lifestyle with him. It didn't even hurt that much tbh because the relationship was so clearly dead by that point, it just felt like a relief mostly.

I downloaded a couple of dating apps in May just to see what was out there (also I've moved to a new area and didn't really know how else to meet people ). I matched with a guy who I hit it off with instantly. This felt amazing because I'm usually SO awkward and nervous when I first meet someone. We just clicked to an extent that I wasn't even sure was possible. And it wasn't in a love bombing or "he's just telling me what I want to hear" kinda way because it was always 50/50 effort from both of us. We saw each other every week except one when I was on holiday (but even then we messaged loads and even had some phone calls which also felt amazing because there are only about 3 people in the world who I enjoy phone calls with )

Anyway, fast forward to a couple of weeks ago and he said he can't see me anymore because he's struggling too much with other stuff to get into a relationship right now. I won't go into it all because it's not my stuff to share, but he has genuinely had some real tit to deal with recently so I know this wasn't a lie.

Part of me thinks maybe we'll be able to reconnect when things are a bit better for him. But then there is that niggling doubt that maybe he was using it as an excuse to brush me off. So I feel a bit stuck. Part of me wants to try to move on, but part of me thinks I should wait and see what happens in a few months to give him a chance to sort his headspace out.

I can't believe how much this hurts considering I've only known him three months. I feel like an idiot for being so affected by it.

I'm so sorry for jumping straight into this thread with such a long ramble but I think I just needed to admit to myself how much this has stung. I hate dating

Edit- omg I didn't realise how long this actually was until I saw it posted, I'm sorry

 

[blueblue]

This is your Monday morning reminder that YOU ARE THE MAGIC

 

[HelloStereo]

Hello!
I'm new to this thread but have had a little browse and it seems like such a kind, supportive group. It's lovely to see.

I am currently moping a bit so I hope no one minds if I just offload a bit here to get it off my chest?

Earlier this year I ended a 9-year relationship because he was military and I realised that I no longer loved him enough to be willing to live that lifestyle with him. It didn't even hurt that much tbh because the relationship was so clearly dead by that point, it just felt like a relief mostly.

I downloaded a couple of dating apps in May just to see what was out there (also I've moved to a new area and didn't really know how else to meet people ). I matched with a guy who I hit it off with instantly. This felt amazing because I'm usually SO awkward and nervous when I first meet someone. We just clicked to an extent that I wasn't even sure was possible. And it wasn't in a love bombing or "he's just telling me what I want to hear" kinda way because it was always 50/50 effort from both of us. We saw each other every week except one when I was on holiday (but even then we messaged loads and even had some phone calls which also felt amazing because there are only about 3 people in the world who I enjoy phone calls with )

Anyway, fast forward to a couple of weeks ago and he said he can't see me anymore because he's struggling too much with other stuff to get into a relationship right now. I won't go into it all because it's not my stuff to share, but he has genuinely had some real tit to deal with recently so I know this wasn't a lie.

Part of me thinks maybe we'll be able to reconnect when things are a bit better for him. But then there is that niggling doubt that maybe he was using it as an excuse to brush me off. So I feel a bit stuck. Part of me wants to try to move on, but part of me thinks I should wait and see what happens in a few months to give him a chance to sort his headspace out.

I can't believe how much this hurts considering I've only known him three months. I feel like an idiot for being so affected by it.

I'm so sorry for jumping straight into this thread with such a long ramble but I think I just needed to admit to myself how much this has stung. I hate dating

Edit- omg I didn't realise how long this actually was until I saw it posted, I'm sorry

Don't wait around for him. He might have been genuine saying he has too much to deal with for a relationship, or it could be an excuse, but I don't think it's worth putting your life on hold in the hope that he might want to rekindle things a few months down the line.

Continue to live your life and if he gets back in touch once he's sorted everything out then great. If not, then you haven't missed out on anything.

 

[JombleWomble]

Don't wait around for him. He might have been genuine saying he has too much to deal with for a relationship, or it could be an excuse, but I don't think it's worth putting your life on hold in the hope that he might want to rekindle things a few months down the line.

Continue to live your life and if he gets back in touch once he's sorted everything out then great. If not, then you haven't missed out on anything.

Thank you, I really appreciate your reply. I think I knew this but just needed to hear it from someone objective! I'm not usually so indecisive and insecure so I absolutely hate that a man has had this effect on me

 

[EddyDarling]

Enjoy! Haha

Yeah I'm okay, better than I have been all weekend so hopefully on the right path to feeling better.

Just remember these men ain't tit X




On a different note I have just received the best nudes I've ever seen good god I need to pray for my soul

 

[curiouserandcuriouser2022]

A while back (before finding these threads!) I read a book called Love and Limerence by Dorothy Tennov. It saved me from crucifying myself mentally following a series of devastating breakups! It was so reassuring to know that I wasn’t alone in that “mad” type of obsessing and ruminating phase. So am just sharing in case it might help any of you who struggle with this … and here is a good webpage link on the topic. Sending much love to all who need it today. xxx

What is limerence? - Living with Limerence

Limerence is a mental state of profound romantic infatuation, first defined in the 1970s by the psychologist Dorothy Tennov. It is characterised by an initial period of elation and intense emotional arousal that can progress to an involuntary, obsessive craving for another person. Limerence is...

livingwithlimerence.com