Dating after lockdown #30 WHY ARE MEN SO BORING

[Universal]

I’m going out with a photographer guy tonight, I’m dressed like Mia Wallace and he is Vincent Vega (complete with a tie) Bar hopping is the plan, but we might crash my date’s concert since it’s the club isn’t that far away…Arranging another date for tomorrow while I’m on my way there

Well that’s not nice! I’m sorry he didn’t live up to your expectations and I’m even more sorry you feel this way now Don’t be too hard on yourself though, we all have our down days, it’s important to give yourself time to grieve and heal Hope you feel better soon!

While I’m gardening can you send updates from the loo please. This sounds adorable
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Anyone else who is on the apps as a single parent, do you advertise the fact you have a child? I don’t have it on my profile and try and slip it into conversation with someone once we’ve hit it off a bit but there have been a few who’ve said “sorry that’s not what I’m looking for” which then just makes me irrationally angry because I am so much more than just a ‘single parent’

I coparent and make it clear that my children have a lovely dad and we share parenting. As a single parent do you have sole responsibility?

 

[Usagisakura90]

I know this might sound harsh but do you really want the worry of him potentially up and leaving if God forbid you did get sick again? Doesn't sound reliable to me to be honest and you deserve so much better as previous post said too. I know you wish you didn't love him, trust me, I've been there. For almost 20 years like i said in a previous post but it will pass, trust me on that too. Focus on you and your little one

This is what my mum said to me too. Thing is we didn't want the same things anyway he never met my kid and didn't want them, he didn't want marriage and I'd thought about it sometimes. I'm about to be really busy again with another degree in September and will need to focus on myself and my daughter.

I just honestly believed when he said he wouldn't be looking for anyone else, that i wouldn't see him on tinder you know?, I know I was on there and I'm the one still in love with him, but I think that's different if your the one dumped.

Il go on a date with Mr Dave Grohl this weekend and see how it goes, it doesn't even need to turn into anything.

Thankyou for yours and everyone's kind words

 

[OwtDoing]

You need Chump Lady in you life. Maybe even write to her? She does this section which she calls "Universal Bullshit Translator" and its so fucking nice to have someone else help with the muddling and mess that narcs do to your brain.

Where can we find this chump lady and what’s her username?

 

[Bleurghgram]

I’m messaging a guy who sends me about two voicenotes a day. And I wish he’d just go away because it’s not going to progress to anything but it’s still fun for about 10 minutes. At least it’s not back and forth messaging for me to get fake attached but urgh.

 

[Hot_Dogs_Or_Toes]

Did you have a video chat with her or get off the app at all to WhatApp? I’ve heard from men who’ve been on the apps that unfortunately there are girls on the apps who are basically only seeking some sort of validation and never intend on meeting and will endlessly message. Even if they have low self-esteem, it’s still shitty behaviour.

No we'd only been chatting a couple of days so hadn't moved it to WhatsApp etc. yet. It just seems weird there was nothing at all in the conversation that seemed to lead up to this.

 

[capriallie]

I am meeting a guy I’ve been talking to today and I really cba

This is always me. It’s such effort and rarely pays off! Hopefully you will be the exception!

 

[Usagisakura90]

Tbh I'd kill for any kind of chat. The shit dates kissing on Saturday did nothing for me and I'm a reactive kisser and I have had no sexual contact since possibly November

I have one guy messaging me but he's kind but not very interesting.

 

[triesherbest]

I'd also be of the opinion to wait..not that there is anything wrong with it at all...a girls got needs.
My thinking would be...let's just say date is great...brilliant chemistry and great chats, but sex is a bit of a let down for one or both of ye.... Game over.
Sex can often be a let down first time or 100th time. If you haven't had a solid start than it could be a deal breaker. Whereas if you have a few great dates and initially sex is awkward or not great you'd happily try again as the person is great.
Does that make sense? I know when seeing a guy and we sleep together on 4 or 5th date and it wasn't great it wasn't a dealbreaker for me whereas another time I've slept with a guy after an amazing date and it was awkward and we didn't see each other after it..neither of us even messaged lol

See how you feel though! I know lots of people who slept with their other half on the first day and zero regrets!

I hope it goes well. Send toilet break update if possible

ohhh i didn't think of it like that at all. very interesting and valid points, thank you! i will try to - re toilet update haha

 

[it’s not been changed?!]

I have 3 male pilots in the family and not to tar all with the same brush (there must be some monogamous ones out there) but they all cheat on their wives/girlfriends. My BIL literally has a girl in most countries, I just feel for his poor wife

I’ve never been involved with a pilot, but got the impression they were players that have ladies scattered about.
I matched with one on bumble and he extended the match. I have sent the first message, but I won’t be holding my breath

 

[Sunflower16]

Hi all,

First time contributing to this thread but have enjoyed reading it for a while. I means this respectfully it makes me So glad I’m not having to do the online stuff any more.

I met my soon to be husband on tinder, after years of crap dates, and ghosts etc I was in what I liked to call my ‘stealing from men era’ where I just used the apps like a food bank to get free dinners. My bio was literally take me for
Dinner or leave me alone.

Anyways my fella super swiped me tinder and I thought he had a great body but his bio and messages were rubbish. I couldn’t really be arsed going on a date but he wanted to
Meet asap, offered to take me For cheesey mash in miller and Carter and never brought up sex.

On our second date I looked at him and thought ‘I’m going to spend my life with you’ and well we get married in December.

In summary, get as many free dinners as you can, and play the odds game, but also, please don’t let these awful experiences you and I had make put you off or make you think love isn’t for you. It is, and it’s lovely and you deserve to be loved. Keep pushing on.

So lovely to hear a positive story about online dating and interesting to see how you didn't think much of his bio at first too! Delighted for you
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This indeed! Why do men expect us to drop everything and meet them right there right away? Like sorry Darren, I’m at home eating doughnuts in a cardigan with egg on it, my hair wash day isn’t until tomorrow and I’m not going to be in the city centre all dolled up within 20 minutes Had several guys do this to me, including a wannabe film director who asked me to join him for a 120 Days of Sodom film screening — he couldn’t have picked a worse film for a first date…)

Another update from me: I’ve had a few and messaged him as you ladies have instructed. I said I was going to concentrate on myself and take a break from dating. At first he was fine about it, wished me good luck and said he was happy for me. Two hours later he messaged me again saying “So we’re not meeting up, huh? LMAO”. Struck me as really passive aggressive, why does he expect me to date him if I’m not feeling it? Do you think it’s okay if I just block him? I am usually very empathetic and have difficulty saying no.

Didn't you tell him you were concentrating on yourself I.e the date was off?! if you have difficulty saying no, I do too, I'd block him if he contacts you again. Others might say now though!

 

[RattyBumBum]

Hey!

Why not just ask him out again? Take the lead. I know that goes against convention but if you’re struggling not knowing then ask, if he dodges it, you know where you stand but if not then you have another date. He seems keen but a lot of men have the same worries as us like being too pushy.

When I met my fella (on tinder) at the end of the 1st date he asked when he could see me again, I said ‘the weekend’ (it was a Tuesday) we where chatting the next day, and I looked for something online i thought we’d both like, and suggested it. He was keen. And offered to buy the tickets. Then I knew it would happen.

I don’t think it Made me look too keen, I was being assertive, I liked him.

good luck x

been voice messaging blondie from monday pretty consistently since our date. just talking about regular stuff with flirting in between and hints about 'next time' sprinkled in here and there..
he seems really attentive too. he sent me a voice note when he got home from the gym late last night, fell asleep before replying to me so he messaged again this morning. i also changed my whatsapp picture which he made a comment about.

i feel like these are all good signs but i'm so not used to anything healthy, i'm still driving myself insane waiting for texts, and thinking 'well he hasn't actually planned anything yet so may still slow fade me' that i'm gonna sabotage this unintentionally somehow. i just think nothing works out for me so what would make this one different, and i'm so scared and anxious all the time

I feel so damaged lol

 

[whyhellothere83]

Ran out of swipes on bumble 5 matches total... Judging by what was coming up on the app, I think I live in a radiation zone

This thread is killing me today, haven’t laughed this much in a while

 

[Morleybbz]

Dickpic guy keeps messaging me and yet I've not replied since he sent the pictures
Just to warn you all, bumble may blur photos and warn you they may be explicit... you can clearly see through the blur what they are!

I'm really mopey about my friend today and just wanna message to get a definite answer as to whether we are gonna establish a fun relationship as we discussed but we haven't spoken for a week now and I bet he wouldn't reply until Monday if he did

Just feeling today that if I know its going nowhere there I can try and make more effort on the apps* and get what I want from somewhere else...
I think I just want attention, rather than it directly from my friend but I'd prefer the latter

 

[BWGossip]

I also can't find a "why" he would lie to me if I say that things wouldn't change for me if he actually saw another person

Because he knows you may change your mind (or think you will), especially if he lied and double down on it: he will come out as even more of a red flag if now he admits he lied about the condom, his only way out is to commit to the lie. Sorry, but an acquaintance was in the same situation, turns out the guy was lying, she only discovered the truth when some mutual friend finally spill the beans that he was banging everything that moved when they were on 'a break'.

If you have trust issues, why date a guy who lied to you before you even dated? (lying about your age is a aint red flag imo) I think it's pretty normal to have trust issues with that type of guy, you're not the problem here.

 

[BettyBeau]

No we share 50/50 which is obviously great for all involved. After 18 months it’s all very amicable now. I find it annoying that guys in their 30s are writing me and others off just because we have a past. My child doesn’t define me but I don’t know how to get that across. I keep that hidden on my profile- do you declare you have kids on yours?

I don’t put it on mine as I feel it’s a safeguarding risk. I work in a role where the dangers of grooming and men/women purposefully looking for a relationship so that they can have access to a child is very real.
However if they put in their profile they want kids I don’t swipe on them as I know I don’t want any more.
Obviously once I’ve met them I telll them but I keep my dating life very sperate the last two guys I dated never met my child.
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This is just my two cents:

I was talking to a man (i am female) who hadn’t mentioned his child on his profile and told me after a little while of talking that he had a child. Honestly I felt like I’d been kind of lied to. I had no issues with him having a child but I’d rather have known upfront instead of after we’d got along and started something. It felt like he hadn’t told me because he wanted to win me around first before he dropped that on me and truthfully I felt kind of manipulated.
Being a parent is a huge part of someone’s life. He had his kid every weekend which imo is something that should have been mentioned in the early stages. If we chose to go further, his child would play a role in my life and is someone I would have to think about.
for example, I don’t know if I want to settle in this area forever or move to somewhere else. If he and I were to work long term, that would put an end to that plan as he has a child here and can’t just up sticks and move with me. We couldn’t just go on holiday together doing our own thing cause he has a child to consider.
you are absolutely more than just a parent but it’s not really as simple as that if the end goal is long term for either of you.

them being not interested is not because they just see you as a parent, it’s because there needs to be more consideration and thought on their end when a child is involved

You could say that about any one that has responsibility’s though what if they have elderly parents or a disabled sibling would you expect them to declare that in their bio.

 

[Tangent Tiger]

Ahhhh I hadn't even thought of this until now, but he may have children. We're the same age (40s) and we just never have discussed prior relationships. This is fine however may explain few hours silence today, it is very early stages

 

[triesherbest]

@Joanie update us on your dates! i hope the next one is better than the sexist smoker guy..

@Thank(space)you glad you had fun, was there any chemistry there or just mates vibe?

i'm all ill and feeling sorry for myself in bed so i need more updates to read can't stop thinking about next friday he was like let me know if you have any ideas on what you wanna do and he'll look around as well.. what do i say to that.. i'd kinda like it if he just took me out to dinner lmao but also some fun activity would be cool but i don't know what. it's supposed to be raining so has to be indoors. i HATE mini golf/crazy golf btw

 

[EddyDarling]

my normal stack is all trash guys and my *exact* type is in the rose section. how convenient..

Yep

I'm going to be honest here. The dudes on Hinge are *not* good looking

 

[Universal]

I would say it depends.....my reasons for not wanting to date a single parent aren't dependent on gender. It's not just the logistical impact and the way it does change things like priorities/time/spontaneity that other people have mentioned (I actually am not interested in dating people with dogs for similar reasons too....) but also that I don't want kids of my own, for a variety of reasons. And those reasons stand for the way my life would be different if I were in a relationship with someone with their own kids, a dad or mum, not just for if I had my own kids.

If it was just something casual/sex I wouldn't feel misled by a late reveal of child responsibility, but if I were talking to & meeting someone in the context of a possible serious long-term relationship I would feel a bit blindsided to find that out further down the line. Although as I get older and it's more likely that people have grown up kids, I can see this changing for me, too.

I have children and coparent so have considerable free time. I wouldn’t date a man who didn’t have the same amount of free time; either because he has no kids or because he also coparents.
I’ve matched with men online who have their kids full time and not taken it further for the same reason you outlined above.

 

[Sunflower16]

“Some good points…” of course you did! You’re a strong woman with a great mind, what did he expect? Mediocre conversation??
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I hate it when they use the word ‘intriguing’ as it usually piques my interest then they disappear.


I work from home and had a knock at the door yesterday. Cue a handsome brown eyed man who was bald but pretty sexy needing water as his van had overheated. There I am, still in pyjamas, hair scraped back and no makeup filling up a jug for him and his water bottle offering to refill his water bottle with ‘nice’ water once he had filled his radiator. He didn’t take me up on my offer as he was for the dentist… I need to make more of an effort with my appearance working from home
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Politely!! Say what you’re looking for and hopefully the lady will reciprocate and arrange a coffee on neutral territory to make sure you are both comfortable and hopefully flirtatious!

I don’t like it when men expect to meet the first time at each others respective homes. Boundaries and all that plus they could be an axe murderer
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I HATE hinge!! It’s shite and any men that did like me were Meh!
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@melisnusty Welcome to online dating, you’re going to slot in well around here

Thanks @OwtDoing I was asking @Hot_Dogs_Or_Toes as a male I.e. from his perspective how to go about this! I have struck up conversation with a local guy so we will see how that goes, what he is looking for etc.

The guy I mentioned previously that I met from POF text me today to say his head is all over the place about his recent ex and he is sorry he doesn't want to be messing me around so I'm currently offering him relationship advice. FML

@triesherbest That story is hilarious

@tomato_paste sounds like you have the right plan. Look after you first, future you will thank you for it

@EddyDarling Your replies and advice never fail to have me LOL! And it's not often I LOL!