Dating after lockdown #30 WHY ARE MEN SO BORING

[freezelouise43]

@freezelouise43 I shared my similar situation with you earlier. I was on the verge of blocking mine when I went into my phone to see he's already blocked me on WhatsApp. No doubt languishing in the arms of his new true love. It was like a sword through my heart. So many dark days ahead after that and yet, like you, I had jumped into the fire willingly. It's so hard to accept things have ended on their side.

I know I feel that train is on its way to my station! I’m not good at being assertive and taking control of things, I kind of wish he would do something like that so I can just mourn it in my own way…i think with him it’s defo to do with his ex wife, I often wish them to get back together so I can resign myself to fate! All the facts are staring me in the face and yet I bury my head in the sand . Did the same thing happen with you? Just one day stopped replying xx

 

[EddyDarling]

Can you work Pride into the conversation and style it out from there? It's the perfect time for it to look totally natural!

I did and then remembered that means nothing now

 

[Usagisakura90]

psychologists reckon you don’t know someone until you’ve known them two years - usually by or before that mark, the mask slips, and you’ll see what they’re really like when they’re not just trying to impress you.

Ooh really, i didn't know that

Maybe that's also why it seems like little things they did towards the end that grated on me that I didn't see happening before started to become an issue

 

[Morleybbz]

it sounds to me like he’s still initiating a lot which is the key thing?

Yeah you're probably right, I guess I feel like it's not enough flowing conversation if he expects me to meet him on short notice or that he's putting off the next meeting

We shall see if I get my evening message tonight anyway

 

[Usagisakura90]

have you ever tried hinge

No I haven't

Iv tried pof, bumble and tinder

 

[Fledgling Psycho]

@Usagisakura90 Congratulations

 

[Hot_Dogs_Or_Toes]

I just saw this on Twitter, the voice notes are absolutely insane!! I was shouting SHUT UPPP at my phone but he just kept talking!! IMO this is one of THE biggest online dating faux pas that men make. There used to be a loophole on Tinder where if your Instagram was connected to it, they could see your username. I used to get at least one DM a week from some creepy guy who had seen me on there and we hadn't even matched. It was always the slimiest, fugliest guys too, never the hot ones you'd want to contact you. If I don't like you on there, don't contact me!!

It's why I never understand women who put their social media links on their profiles. Why you would want to encourage these weirdos is beyond me.

Would it be ok for a man to do that if he was hot then? Not throwing any shade at you I'm just curious as that is something I hear quite a lot from guys that are 'hot' they seem like they get away with this type of thing more.

 

[nooseymoo22]

Totally understand him. I think the stigma against bi-men is even greater than against bi-women (I say that as a bi-woman). It's sadly not unusual for people to think bi-men are closeted gay (and that bi-women are women 'experimenting' until they find the right man). If you were in a public setting I understand even more why he was lowering his voice, especially as he is not out publicly.

All people have a past, you probably had (and will have) relationships with people who had better sex with other people than you, no matter the gender. The important thing is that they choose to be with you and no other.

Thank you and you are right. I’d like to believe I’m 100% ok with peoples sexuality; so I’m feeling like a bad person seeing as I’m now bothered as it involves me personally.
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Not offensive and he had no need to big up his previous sexual encounters to you (TMI). It’s good he was honest so you can decide from near the offset. Don’t try and second guess his sexuality, ask yourself if it’s something you could deal with. It would be a dealbreaker for me.

Thank you. I can’t deal with it. Sucks!

 

[Hot_Dogs_Or_Toes]

i think you’re putting a lot of intent on a throwaway comment from her tbh. that doesn’t in any way imply that she thought what this guy did would have been okay if he was hot.

i think the actual story of that example is being lost. it doesn’t work for women because it’s actual harassment. the replies showed that this man has been doing this, with the exact same tone and voicenotes, for seven years at least. not only that, he is searching for women on fb without even attempting them to message on app, where there is a message function. he also dropped the nice guy act very fast when called out. i don’t know anyone like that and i don’t know any women who would work for. but i am guessing, from your viewpoint here, that you’re a guy.

Of course and that's why I was asking the clarification question. I know of many women who would actually apply that double standard though which is what is so depressing to hear sometimes.
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Sorry you just went from saying you know people —> you don’t actually know people —> we all know of people that are probably like that (so imaginary people) and that this behavior works for said imagined person.

I don’t get what point you’re trying to make

I meant as in none of my immediate friends are like that but we could probably all identify somebody within our social sphere that would probably be like that.

 

[capriallie]

While I’m gardening can you send updates from the loo please. This sounds adorable
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I coparent and make it clear that my children have a lovely dad and we share parenting. As a single parent do you have sole responsibility?

No we share 50/50 which is obviously great for all involved. After 18 months it’s all very amicable now. I find it annoying that guys in their 30s are writing me and others off just because we have a past. My child doesn’t define me but I don’t know how to get that across. I keep that hidden on my profile- do you declare you have kids on yours?

 

[sofipbn]

forgive me for trawling back through the dating thread archives again but i think context is needed here.

you posted about this guy when you first got together. like you say, he lied to you (quite significantly) about his age. he also didn’t tell you, you found out the truth from a mutual friend and, when confronted, i think his defence was that you would never have dated him at his real age. we talked then that this was slightly dodgy behaviour and, like you say, a red flag.

we also said here that, if you did choose to carry on a relationship with this guy, that there would invariably always be trust issues because he lied to you, in a major way, when you first got together. i recall that you posted a few times afterwards about worries you had about a guy you were seeing, but didn’t clarify if it was the same person. i see now that it was.

ultimately there COULD be an easy explanation for the condom wrapper. but this man has previous for lying and you understandably have insecurities about that as anyone would. do you truly believe him? or is this not really about the condom wrapper at all, or about you facing his initial lie? have you truly accepted that (because, like i said to you at the time, i absolutely wouldn’t have)?

I haven't thought about his initial lie ever again since the moment I chose to forgive him for it. I also can't find a "why" he would lie to me if I say that things wouldn't change for me if he actually saw another person. I am also actively aware that I have unresolved trust issues that came from a previous relationship (guy who didn't want to commit) and I know I'm bringing some things from that relationship to this one. This is all being treated with my psychologist.
I also know that, as you say, there could be an easy explanation for the condom wrapper but in my head, and I don't know WHY ON EARTH I needed to hear him say that he DID. Like, not the act itself that hurt me but the lying about it. And I know that I'm never going to know the truth and that all I have is to trust or not trust. And I asked several times and he just say, "look, I told you a million times that I'm not seeing anyone else, and I think the problem is that you are not believing in me, and that's in your head. I can't change that and my answer is not going to change either".

 

[Usagisakura90]

You know I'm starting to think someone cursed me.

None of my serious relationships have made it beyond two years.

Anyone know how to get rid of it or maybe it is just me.

 

[freezelouise43]

I was going to join bumble but I really don’t think I will now

 

[MsCurly]

I actually really enjoy Bumble and the app works well for me. The men on Bumble seem to be a bit more serious about dating than guys I meet through Tinder.

 

[triesherbest]

You’re not damaged at all! I feel the same!

hugs!

 

[EllenDeGenerate]

Well done you!

Good For You.

 

[Blondeangel2515]

I’ve just had a phone call from the police my ex has done a complaint of harassment to me but I’ve not messaged in 4 weeks so would he have gone to them recently? Because if he has it’s really really odd especially when he was messaging me 24/7 for a whole week before I told his girlfriends family and I messaged him after just to explain why I did and how I can’t talk to him while he’s in a relationship. Which before Christmas he was blocking and unblocking me on WhatsApp and during the week we were talking he was telling me he likes to make sure I’m ok and living a happy life and looking at my Instagram story none stop for 3/4 weeks in March
Making it more weird police were calling me by my middle name not first name

 

[Kimmylookatme]

Sorry to merail and be off topic.

But I got my degree result back....I got an upper 2nd class honours, a 2:1!!
I'm so happy and proud of myself!!!

Congrats!!!!!

 

[Sunflower16]

I mean simply outright bringing it up in conversation would probably work lol. Although contrary perhaps to popular belief not all of us guys are down for casual sex so I'd at least sound them out to make sure that's what they're after too. The last thing you want if you're just interested in something casual is the other party to get the wrong idea and start falling in love.

Oh yes of course, I didn't mean to imply otherwise Thanks for the advice

 

[Hot_Dogs_Or_Toes]

as a woman, i can tell you that i don’t know of ANY woman who wouldn’t have felt uncomfortable and freaked out by what that guy did tbh. the idea that some would welcome it if the man was is getting dangerously into “nice guy” territory and i don’t care for it.

I think there is plenty of evidence out there that this is exactly what happens unfortunately. How do you think these men end up with women, as I say they're usually not single for long?