Dating after lockdown #30 WHY ARE MEN SO BORING

[freezelouise43]

Given all you've said about yourself, do you think it's possible you picked him because you knew on some level it would come to this and in a way you've oddly protected yourself, ie you say you don't date and this isn't dating?

Could be yes! I do like my little world just having someone I can see every few weeks that doesn’t infiltrate it then hurt me…nope still hurt

 

[rainbow_venom]

Hello everyone. I've been part of this thread for a long time but stopped commenting almost 7 months ago.
I believe some of you will remember me, I was dating a guy who lied about his age. That was a major red flag, you'll say. Yes, it was. But I wanted to give him a chance so I did.
We've been together since that time. I never connected with anyone the way I did with him. I met his family and friends, been together at parties, went on trips, behaved completely as a couple. Things were clear, we were not bf and gf but I was completely ok with that since he asked me to be exclusive anyway. He called me 2-3 times a day every day. I never felt confused, or insecure, I knew his phone password (never looked at his stuff tho), slept at his several times a week, I didn't need more than that, I was happy with him.
Then 3 weeks ago we had a conversation about what we wanted in life bc things were getting serious and I had a few travels abroad planned, he asked what was I going to do. We decided to take some time to think and he said when you're ready I'm here to talk. I didn't see or speak to him till yesterday. We decided we wanted the same things so that meant staying together. Before deciding this, I asked if he wanted to change the exclusivity of the relationship or something. He said no, I don't want to see other people. Ok then.
We spent the afternoon together. We had sex. After that, I couldn't find one of my earrings so checked under the bed. There was a condom packet on the floor.
I asked him about it. He said he had not seen other people, that that could be there from "god knows when" because that bed is unmovable (that IS true, but seriously???).
I said, look, I asked you if you wanted to see other people and you said no. And I'm not going to get mad if you did. I'm just asking you to tell me the truth. We're not going to stop seeing each other, I said. He denied it over and over and over again, no matter what I said. "I don't need to be with other people, I just want to be with you, I don't want things to change," he said.
I'm not mad at him for doing it. I'm mad because he doesn't have the balls to tell me he did. Why would he keep lying if I said that that wasn't going to change things for me?
I don't even know what to feel, think or believe anymore. I feel like I turned off and don't have feelings anymore. I cannot even cry.
Thank you if you read this, and I'm sorry if my spelling is not perfect. English is not my first language.

Why don’t you believe him? There’s every chance he is telling the truth about the condom wrapper.

 

[EndofInfluencers]

I saw something online recently and it said that secure people tend to attach early in their lives....so get together with their partners really young. And that leaves anxious and avoidants on the market. So anxious people keep attaching to a avoidants and develop these patterns. Which looking back on my dating (10years) life makes so much sense.

I definitely think there’s something to this, that there are less ‘secure’ attachment style people in the dating market as they tend to settle down together younger, for longer and are happier. Congratulations on your first year together.

@sofipbn All I would say is that one thing life has taught me is trust your gut. Men (and women) will lie and lie when confronted regarding their infidelity. Trust your intuition on this.

@Clickbait You’re bad for this, and you know it Can’t remember if it was you who recommended Luke Hamnet on Instagram, if so thank you for the recommendation.

 

[LaBlonde]

Hello everyone. I've been part of this thread for a long time but stopped commenting almost 7 months ago.
I believe some of you will remember me, I was dating a guy who lied about his age. That was a major red flag, you'll say. Yes, it was. But I wanted to give him a chance so I did.
We've been together since that time. I never connected with anyone the way I did with him. I met his family and friends, been together at parties, went on trips, behaved completely as a couple. Things were clear, we were not bf and gf but I was completely ok with that since he asked me to be exclusive anyway. He called me 2-3 times a day every day. I never felt confused, or insecure, I knew his phone password (never looked at his stuff tho), slept at his several times a week, I didn't need more than that, I was happy with him.
Then 3 weeks ago we had a conversation about what we wanted in life bc things were getting serious and I had a few travels abroad planned, he asked what was I going to do. We decided to take some time to think and he said when you're ready I'm here to talk. I didn't see or speak to him till yesterday. We decided we wanted the same things so that meant staying together. Before deciding this, I asked if he wanted to change the exclusivity of the relationship or something. He said no, I don't want to see other people. Ok then.
We spent the afternoon together. We had sex. After that, I couldn't find one of my earrings so checked under the bed. There was a condom packet on the floor.
I asked him about it. He said he had not seen other people, that that could be there from "god knows when" because that bed is unmovable (that IS true, but seriously???).
I said, look, I asked you if you wanted to see other people and you said no. And I'm not going to get mad if you did. I'm just asking you to tell me the truth. We're not going to stop seeing each other, I said. He denied it over and over and over again, no matter what I said. "I don't need to be with other people, I just want to be with you, I don't want things to change," he said.
I'm not mad at him for doing it. I'm mad because he doesn't have the balls to tell me he did. Why would he keep lying if I said that that wasn't going to change things for me?
I don't even know what to feel, think or believe anymore. I feel like I turned off and don't have feelings anymore. I cannot even cry.
Thank you if you read this, and I'm sorry if my spelling is not perfect. English is not my first language.

forgive me for trawling back through the dating thread archives again but i think context is needed here.

you posted about this guy when you first got together. like you say, he lied to you (quite significantly) about his age. he also didn’t tell you, you found out the truth from a mutual friend and, when confronted, i think his defence was that you would never have dated him at his real age. we talked then that this was slightly dodgy behaviour and, like you say, a red flag.

we also said here that, if you did choose to carry on a relationship with this guy, that there would invariably always be trust issues because he lied to you, in a major way, when you first got together. i recall that you posted a few times afterwards about worries you had about a guy you were seeing, but didn’t clarify if it was the same person. i see now that it was.

ultimately there COULD be an easy explanation for the condom wrapper. but this man has previous for lying and you understandably have insecurities about that as anyone would. do you truly believe him? or is this not really about the condom wrapper at all, or about you facing his initial lie? have you truly accepted that (because, like i said to you at the time, i absolutely wouldn’t have)?

 

[freezelouise43]

Maybe I should try dating again…not sure if you all remember Darren and Birkenstock man those were really unpleasant experiences and I swore off it
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Maybe I should try dating again…not sure if you all remember Darren and Birkenstock man those were really unpleasant experiences and I swore off it

 

[EndofInfluencers]

@freezelouise43 Maybe you should, that way you wouldn’t allow him to derail you so much. You really do need to block and delete though.

 

[shadowcat5]

Oh wow, you’ve just described me to a T! I have hard time saying no and end up being treated like crap most of the time…I don’t know why I keep on doing it! I think I’m gonna use the opposite technique you’ve described, sounds like something that could actually work for me! Thanks a lot

I mute notifications after a certain time now and just allow texts from certain people (family eg). That way I know if my phone buzzes after a certain time I know who it will be and I won’t be jumping up to look.
i didn’t do it for dating specifically but because I have a bad habit of staying on my phone and not relaxing properly. I’ve also muted my tinder notifications so I don’t get them.

 

[Clickbait]

Thank you, and you’re right of course- I’ve gone backwards and forwards on how I feel. At the start of our (one sided) friendship yes I truly was in awe, in love and believing that he would see me the way I see him…I know that he’s not a man for sticking around and I accepted and was grateful for any attention he gave me…I’m not ashamed to admit that if he rang me at 3am I probably would of jumped in my car and driven there. Over time he was very honest with me about the stuff he’s going through but even as the glitter wore off I fell for the “real” him- flaws and all.
it started As hooking up, but the more time we spent I naivelythought we had built a friendship that it wasn’t easy to just discard…part of my distress currently is doubting myself- did I do or say something to put him off? CouldI of prevented this? I know it sounds irrational :/ I’m incredibly hard on myself and I don’t go on dates or anything presisely because if I like then and it doesn’t work out I blame myself…so I stay single as it feels “safer” and I guess it was easier to put everything into him rather than the unknown?

You need to stop thinking this man is a friend. He’s an opportunist - he meets women and befriends them, has sex with them, doesn’t want to commit so strings them along to massage his ego, throwing out just enough breadcrumbs (texts, flowers, hand holding) to keep them enthralled whilst giving nothing of real substance. I’m sure you’re not the only woman he’s behaved this way towards sadly.

You’ve behaved exactly as he’s wanted you to: been available to entertain him when he’s wanted you, and been quiet, placid and non-demanding when he hasn’t. Nothing you could have done would change the way this man is or operates towards you, if he wanted to be in a relationship with you he would be.

This man is just not for you. Don’t put anything more into this. If it was a case of ‘well we won’t have a relationship and I’ve accepted that but he’s been such a good friend that I don’t want to lose that’ I’d say fine, but he hasn’t been a good friend from what you describe and you can’t switch your feelings off the more he cosplays the relationship-style behaviour of romantic gestures and physical contact.

Dating is an endurance sport in today’s age. You need to go into it mentally ready and with a certain amount of metaphorical padding on. If you’re not ready to date then give yourself some time, but don’t rely on this man to fill any void. He only takes and never gives enough back.
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@Clickbait You’re bad for this, and you know it Can’t remember if it was you who recommended Luke Hamnet on Instagram, if so thank you for the recommendation.

I’m confused, what am I bad for? I’m not on IG so not my recommendation.

 

[Joanie]

Thank for the people messaging about anxious attachments. I definitely do sway towards this. I have destroyed relationships in the past due to this. Yesterday, I read through information to remind me to keep myself grounded whilst dating. Like today I will still be convinced he wil not turn up until he is actually there. But, Im really proud that I have not contacted him and kept myself busy.

 

[freezelouise43]

You need to stop thinking this man is a friend. He’s an opportunist - he meets women and befriends them, has sex with them, doesn’t want to commit so strings them along to massage his ego, throwing out just enough breadcrumbs (texts, flowers, hand holding) to keep them enthralled whilst giving nothing of real substance. I’m sure you’re not the only woman he’s behaved this way towards sadly.

You’ve behaved exactly as he’s wanted you to: been available to entertain him when he’s wanted you, and been quiet, placid and non-demanding when he hasn’t. Nothing you could have done would change the way this man is or operates towards you, if he wanted to be in a relationship with you he would be.

This man is just not for you. Don’t put anything more into this. If it was a case of ‘well we won’t have a relationship and I’ve accepted that but he’s been such a good friend that I don’t want to lose that’ I’d say fine, but he hasn’t been a good friend from what you describe and you can’t switch your feelings off the more he cosplays the relationship-style behaviour of romantic gestures and physical contact.

Dating is an endurance sport in today’s age. You need to go into it mentally ready and with a certain amount of metaphorical padding on. If you’re not ready to date then give yourself some time, but don’t rely on this man to fill any void. He only takes and never gives enough back.
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I’m confused, what am I bad for? I’m not on IG so not my recommendation.

Thank you @Clickbait and thank you for taking the time to write such truth to me, I know we are all busy so it does mean a lot! I feel ok in that I think if I genuinely loved him I couldn’t bear the thought of him with anyone else, but I don’t feel that way! Primarily because as you say nothing he does has any substance to it- it’s all just flowery words and would be the same with anyone…as the days go on I’m settling more into acceptance of the whole situation xx

 

[EndofInfluencers]

I’m confused, what am I bad for? I’m not on IG so not my recommendation.

I didn’t mean it literally….nevermind…

 

[Rayne]

Someone name a bigger ick than the bumble prompt “I’m prioritising my mental health by”

 

[freezelouise43]

Someone name a bigger ick than the bumble prompt “I’m prioritising my mental health by”

Bumble sounds a bit woke

 

[shadowcat5]

What’s the bet that this guy has the personality of a soggy paper towel?

 

[sleepflowers]

I find Bumble so cringe. All these push notifications about 'kindness' and 'sending compliments' and 'spreading love' when all the men on there still act like tit. They're clearly not getting the message!!

 

[EndofInfluencers]

Bumble is the worst

 

[freezelouise43]

I was going to join bumble but I really don’t think I will now

 

[MsCurly]

I actually really enjoy Bumble and the app works well for me. The men on Bumble seem to be a bit more serious about dating than guys I meet through Tinder.

 

[whyhellothere83]

I think bumble is the best of the apps in my area, I’ve had 2 dates from it so far but we didn’t ‘click’ in person. I’ve had none from the other apps!

 

[sofipbn]

forgive me for trawling back through the dating thread archives again but i think context is needed here.

you posted about this guy when you first got together. like you say, he lied to you (quite significantly) about his age. he also didn’t tell you, you found out the truth from a mutual friend and, when confronted, i think his defence was that you would never have dated him at his real age. we talked then that this was slightly dodgy behaviour and, like you say, a red flag.

we also said here that, if you did choose to carry on a relationship with this guy, that there would invariably always be trust issues because he lied to you, in a major way, when you first got together. i recall that you posted a few times afterwards about worries you had about a guy you were seeing, but didn’t clarify if it was the same person. i see now that it was.

ultimately there COULD be an easy explanation for the condom wrapper. but this man has previous for lying and you understandably have insecurities about that as anyone would. do you truly believe him? or is this not really about the condom wrapper at all, or about you facing his initial lie? have you truly accepted that (because, like i said to you at the time, i absolutely wouldn’t have)?

I haven't thought about his initial lie ever again since the moment I chose to forgive him for it. I also can't find a "why" he would lie to me if I say that things wouldn't change for me if he actually saw another person. I am also actively aware that I have unresolved trust issues that came from a previous relationship (guy who didn't want to commit) and I know I'm bringing some things from that relationship to this one. This is all being treated with my psychologist.
I also know that, as you say, there could be an easy explanation for the condom wrapper but in my head, and I don't know WHY ON EARTH I needed to hear him say that he DID. Like, not the act itself that hurt me but the lying about it. And I know that I'm never going to know the truth and that all I have is to trust or not trust. And I asked several times and he just say, "look, I told you a million times that I'm not seeing anyone else, and I think the problem is that you are not believing in me, and that's in your head. I can't change that and my answer is not going to change either".