Dating after lockdown #27 Being on Tinder to find a man of value is like looking in the bin for a Rolex

[LaBlonde]

Hey all hope you are well! remember me? Stayed in the hotel with the guy off tinder who went cold on me…well we were supposed to meet tomorrow night, suprise suprise he wasn’t well and the conversation was dying a death I go on hols next week and to be honest I didn’t want this lingering, so I said what I said above. I think I’m just tired of trying to keep connections alive with people, ir should just flow! I’ve left this in read…what do we think of his response?

he’s very lackadaisical isn’t he?! i truly don’t know what to make of it - he starts in the past tense like he’s agreed with you, then jumps into talking about himself (i suppose to give you more context) then asks a completely unrelated change of subject question in the next message.

i guess i would be wondering why he hasn’t actually directly answered what you said in your messages - he’s gone about it in a very roundabout way but i think he’s saying he wants to continue but the distance and him not feeling well was an issue.

it does still sound like he wants to keep a connection with you but his airy fairy messaging style would be bugging me a bit too. if it feels like you’re working for it all the time then that’s not fun.

 

[Kimmylookatme]

I think it’s cos she’s at a fun age of 3! Anyone who shows interest in playing with her she likes them but he’s also aware that some days she just wants her own time with me and I think on a Monday and Tuesday I’ve been at work & she’s been at nursery, she just wants to spend 2 hours with me before bed! I think it’s hard for me to adjust cos we’ve been in this routine since she was 1 near enough..

Sometimes I think do I even really want a relationship cos of how much I like my own space during the week. I was happy before when he just came round on a Thursday night and once at the weekend to stay and that’s enough for me.

yeah I know what you mean… tbh Sometimes I’ve had my partner here when the kids have been here and just thought hmm yeah you’re kind of just getting in the way of our routine/silly chats etc I’d rather it just be me and the children…and yet I moan about it not being regular enough. Maybe they just can’t win

 

[LaBlonde]

I am going to seem a bit harsh here but it is completely unrealistic for a partner to give you dedicated consistent attention. We should still be two seperate people in a relationship and not have to rely on a person to validate us and I think there would deffo need to be work done on this prior to engaging in a relationship. Jade I think it was your partner has ADHD and as a fellow person with ADHD they struggle to be consistent with their own lives and selves and relying on them to validate you is a lot of pressure. I think this isn’t the first time you’ve felt like this when dating someone so maybe you will need to work on your expectations of a partner and how you feel about yourself.

maybe dedicated was too strong a word to use but i was mainly using in the context of responding to jade and the communication style she needs, based on responding to her here over the past year or so.

your last sentence is really the bottom line on the whole thing tbh.

 

[Thank(space)you]

Just to say thank you for the wonderful advice and your thoughts on the situation I posted yesterday. The overexplainer is me is really battling to reply to him and apologise for being dismissive about a woman I literally don’t know as that wasn’t my intention, but I’m not going to. Ngl, I am ruminating about why the name seems familiar to me and trying to get all thoughts out of my head that it’s a woman he worked with and referred to when we were together. However, as Moz remarked, it’s a futile exercise, which only serves to cause me more pain.

It’s helpful to see that you lot thought it was cruel of him to mention, as I saw it as him reasoning/explaining why I hadn’t heard from him since September (when he told me he’d fallen in love with someone). Your perspective switched it up for me.

I bought Block, Delete, Move On yesterday and it’s going to be my weekend reading. I saw Lalalas posts on Insta about limerance yesterday and it related. Think there’s some of that involved for me too.

Thand you again for being the best sounding board ever

Can you let us know your thoughts on the book please? It's one I've been debating reading

 

[Clementine]

*not making light of SH btw*

 

[freezelouise43]

Oh he was an absolute gem! Like literally, seemed like he’d done the work, ticked everything on my list, made me feel so secure (but didn’t at the same time)…but looking back he took up ALL of my time. Like phoning and messaging me multiple times a day (at first it was cute) arranging things for every spare weekend (so I had no time to myself) but it wasn’t until I asked him not to use a certain phrase did he decide that I was needy (I’m seriously independent) and had “issues.” This was the first time in all of our months together that I’d set a boundary, and he just didn’t like to be challenged. It’s laughable when I had to listen to him whine on about everything negative in his life, and not once did I tell him he had issues.

Those red flags were there from the start, but I overlooked them. Weird thing is, is I didn’t/don’t miss him- in fact I felt relief and just thought what a knob!

I’m worth so much more than that and so are all women. Men need to step up bigtime!

I’m so sorry you had to go through that! I won’t miss this one either, I know it because when I read back what he wrote is pathetic and over dramatic..posted here sounds so similar to your guy! It’s all fun and games until you have boundaries! Xx

 

[Jojoo]

I’m 31 with 2 kids and getting divorced. Part of me feels glad it’s happened young I still have so much ahead but I also feel a failure and everyone my age on the apps aren’t in the same situation they haven’t done all the big stuff yet. My ex was 8 years older but I don’t really want to go too much older again

 

[freezelouise43]

Goodness, I wasn’t on here yesterday and have already missed on so much

Birkenstocks are comfy and stylish (especially if you mean the Boston and the Berlin styles) @freezelouise43, I can’t believe the audacity of this man! Was he expecting you to show up in stilettos?! It’s 2023, not 2003 ffs! And that passive aggressive tone of his…What a bellend. He is not just bin material, he is the hottest place in hell material.

Totally outing myself as the biggest homebody in the world, but I have always loved to stay home, no pandemic needed I’m an ambivert but these days I just CBA to hang out with people. I do agree the pandemic has changed so many relationships, but sometimes it’s for the best — I have cut off so many toxic people!



Seriously though, it took me so many years to understand that most people I considered to be my friends were just using me. Now I only keep in contact with a handful of people but I’m so much happier.

I know right it was a lunch date too

 

[Hi there]

Hiya! Hoping this is the right thread for dating advice, I matched with a guy few weeks back (10th feb I think) on Bumble, I must say it is my first ever time trying online dating so had no idea what to expect or what the norm should be? Anywho, he was honest and frank from start that he had tried online dating for a long time and that one thing he has learnt from it is that never have any expectations whilst it is still in that phase ie pre meeting face to face that you could be having great chats and next thing the person has blocked you and there is nothing you can do about it. So the flow of our conversation was steady not too much texting, probably texted each other once a day as such. He did not ask for my mobile number and I didn’t either, he had already told me that he has had a terrible experience before hand so conscious about it now which I thought was alright.
He is funny, he did start to get a bit spicy after a week, a very good flirt but not overly where it would make me cringe or uncomfortable. He did not ask for any photos but to be fair I had made it clear that I wasn’t about to do that anyway. Long story short two weeks ago we exchanged our social media and were talking there by then, I had sent him photos of me but no nudes and he was respectful of my decision, we last spoke on Thursday last week to be exact since then I have not heard from him? I messaged him on Friday last week to see if he was ok, he does 12 hour shifts at an airport. He hadn’t even opened the message so I was a bit like hmmm whats going on here? But didn’t message him any further since friday as you know you don’t want to come across desperate or crazy so I thought well he will get back when he wants to. So two days ago (Tuesday) he finally read by message that I had sent last week but did not reply to it and has still NOT replied to it until now. Since he read the message he hasn’t looked at my ig stories either yesterday or today. What do you guys think? Is he just busy? can’t be asked? has found someone better? not interested/bothered? What should I be doing now? Any advice please? TIA )))))))

 

[Dogtanian]

@TillyMiffin thinking of you, all my love

 

[Blondeangel2515]

1)He's not going to give you closure, he'll keep you stringing along until you no longer serve him. Chasing closure from any man is futile.

2)You can only be snitched on if there's something to snitch about.

He gave me the closure this week before I snitched on him

 

[xcyber]

Oh @Ciaranicola and @xcyber now I’m frantically doubting myself interesting to read though. I stayed in a relationship with a lovely guy a few years back way longer than I should because he was nice to me, so I think I’m worried about getting into that territory again. I seem to dart between nice guy, arsehole, decent guy.

the irrational “icks” are what started this, the way he had his legs when he sat on his sofa (seriously ), the face he pulled when he was thinking, the high pitched squeak that came out of him once when he laughed. I do think I persevered a good few weeks though, because I’m fully aware that I reallllly don’t fancy the next person I get involved with to be an arsehole again

Haha don’t! I think ultimately you have to enjoy being around them MORE than you do without them. That’s how I based my judgement. . Hence why I think it was a higher being out of my control because I’d have run off a long time ago.

 

[D2them]

just out of curiosity, because i'm imagining us in a garden drinking gin (gag), how old is everyone?

47 xx

 

[Thank(space)you]

What's your opinion on telling friends etc when you have a date?

 

[Usagisakura90]

Got chatted up by a guy who tried to ask why I was wearing gloves in April…Maybe because it’s bloody baltic here in the evenings you git? He really thought he was doing me a favour by talking to me too

We are in the same boat here, I’m trying to finish my dissertation too and absolutely drowning in it I’d rather not have any holidays at all than spend them doing work TBH!

Yay to gin and new patio furniture @LaBlonde, sounds bloody lovely! I’d most definitely come despite my hay fever

I’m in my 20s but I feel at least 85…

Yeh I hear you! I'm glad I asked for an extension on my dissertation because of having been inhospital, but it didn't help the university messed us around with the due date, first they said it was due the 21st then they said it was the 14th and because everyone freaked naturally they moved it to the 28th April, but I'm behind anyway due to extensions that were supposed to make my life easier (fuck the school easter holidays ). And half our lecturers have been off for third year its been a mess lol.

But I really want to get on with my dissertation, I'm nearly done this assignment though and il start wherever I left off on my dissertation on Thursday

Good luck with yours! We are nearly at the end!!!

 

[freezelouise43]

On my way too but hold my hair when my stomach has given up on gin

Me last Saturday whilst my “friend” was waiting for me to leave his house

 

[freezelouise43]

he’s very lackadaisical isn’t he?! i truly don’t know what to make of it - he starts in the past tense like he’s agreed with you, then jumps into talking about himself (i suppose to give you more context) then asks a completely unrelated change of subject question in the next message.

i guess i would be wondering why he hasn’t actually directly answered what you said in your messages - he’s gone about it in a very roundabout way but i think he’s saying he wants to continue but the distance and him not feeling well was an issue.

it does still sound like he wants to keep a connection with you but his airy fairy messaging style would be bugging me a bit too. if it feels like you’re working for it all the time then that’s not fun.

Yea that’s how I feel, I don’t feel at this point like he’s bothered either way, and I really don’t want to reply because if I do I feel like I’m giving him control over my feelings if that makes sense? It’s 40 bloody miles but I feel like if someone likes you distance isn’t an issue. It’s such a wishy washy response isn’t it? xx

 

[Blondeangel2515]

---


sorry to be harsh but if you were unbothered you wouldn’t be posting about it This man is trash do not let him occupy your mind for another day

I’m not bothered though! I feel completely different this time round compared to when I first snitched on him that’s what I’m actually posting about. I actually feel at peace and calm about it compared to last time which I’m a tad worried over but I see it as a good thing.

Just last time I had a feeling he would end up coming back even though I didn’t think he would but this time round I’ve got no feeling or thinking of that which I’m finding weird

 

[Kitty kat 20]

Please tell me someone has watched 90 Day Fiancé and gets the reference of throwing a Louboutin at a man’s head.

*not promoting assault btw

Yep I saw this.

 

[it’s not been changed?!]

I was bored and changed my bumble to travel mode and chose New York as the location for a few minutes. I wish I’d never looked

Now back to reality. I got a new like. I’m 5’9.
Do they even read our bios?!