Dating after lockdown #27 Being on Tinder to find a man of value is like looking in the bin for a Rolex

[D2them]

How do you work through being triggered?
I've noticed lately seeing other people's pregnancy/engagement/relationship announcements is massively triggering me and sends me in a spiral of "why not me" etc. I don't want to end up bitter.
I tell myself "good for them and the same for me" but it doesn't really help. I don't know how to address and work through these feelings so any advice is massively appreciated

This has been a massive thing for me so keen to get any advice too. It's so hard, I want to be happy for other people but all it does is remind me that I don't have anyone who wants me

 

[Kimmylookatme]

in regards to the replies above... sorry, but I think it was very clear what was said here. it's not unrealistic at all, we're just taught that it is so we gaslight ourselves and other women into thinking it's not possible for a man to do so - when it is. of course, it's not linear because life happens but there is such a thing as consistent dedication and attention!
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the AMOUNT of men i've dated or been in a relationship with who, when they first met me, loved me for being "feisty" and confident until that "feistiness" was self respect and boundaries... then i'm a quote on quote "bitch"
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100%. im glad my self-esteem kicked in as I entered my mid twenties. it was like a switch went off and i woke up one day having NONE OF IT

I’m 31 and mine hasn’t kicked in yet… am I just broken?

 

[freezelouise43]

That’s his defensiveness coming out - it’s not about you, it’s him. What a prick! At least you found out now and not months down the line…

ETA the “lovely” guy I dated who was on best behaviour for months showed his true colours in a similar way. It’s juvenile and really sad that people turn that way, but that’s why I block and delete and send them off into the ether

What happened with your guy? Xx
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Thank you all! My mistake is that I’m such an analytical person (in my job also) that I’m constantly trying to understand why people do things they do, it never gets me anywhere tho

 

[LaBlonde]

I REFUSE to engage in sexy sex chat it's obvious I won't from my profile!

eddy, you had me at martin brundle tbh

 

[Blondeangel2515]

If he had strong feelings for either of you, this situation wouldn't be happening. And feelings and all this other crap means NOTHING if there's no respect.

Men don't come back because we're incredible, beautiful etc, they come back because they CAN - because WE let them. They know that door is still open (even just a peep) and that that boundary out of self respect hasn't been placed. They know they can dip in and out without any consequence, all the while, getting an ego boost whenever they need to numb their low self esteem.

You also can't trust anything they say about their girlfriends, anything they tell you is with the intention of getting what they want - so it's not the truth. You don't know if she doesn't call him out or challenge him, you know nothing about her really.

Both you and his girlfriend should tell him to piss off.

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He hasn’t told me much about his girlfriend all he’s said was that their relationship were rocky after I sent her the screenshots.

To be fair though he hasn’t really lied to me in the past besides after I grassed him up to her and as he was about to block me said they’re not together anymore everything else from the past couple of years he’s not lied I do check and fbi search stuff he said but that’s more to do with my past experiences on tinder not from his behaviour

 

[D2them]

morning all, does anyone have experience of trauma bonding and how they got over it? I'm really really struggling and I think this is the crux of my problem. Thank you x

 

[Fledgling Psycho]

@al255 & @Kimmylookatme I remember that contrary feeling very well. For me it was an inability to just let things be and needing to control the direction things were going in. You must adore me but be exactly who I want you to be and not appear happy if I ask for time alone! Yes that is how unreasonable I can be! (Only speaking for myself here!)

 

[jawidjanqndn]

Anyways think I might give bumble a go but I struggle with being the one to talk first anyone got any go to openers?

 

[LaBlonde]

*not making light of SH btw*

oh no, sorry clem! i meant sad in terms of how true it is, not implying that you were making light of the subject

 

[EddyDarling]

I think the Lenny Henry lookalike thing was simply a joke that didn't land
I don't think it's that deep that he's being neggy or whatever, he just sounds like he's hard work.

 

[EddyDarling]

37 but also simultaneously 19 and 79 in my soul.

Genuinely thought you were my age for some reason (30)

 

[EddyDarling]

And me! (Well kind of)

Omigod check us all out!

 

[MsCurly]

I’m 30. But feel younger & realistically take 2 years off because of covid I thought I’d be married with 2 kids by 25
Age is just a number my lovelies, all about how you feel

I’m 27 (turning 28 this summer) and I always thought I’d be fully settled by now. Instead I have two proposals and one almost marriage under my belt. Thankfully, no babies yet. 🥲

 

[Blondeangel2515]

i don't think there's anything anyone on this thread can say to help you then

It’s more about the fact I just feel at peace and chilled over the whole situation but I don’t have no inkling over him coming back in my life or not coming back which I normally do but it’s making me quite worried over how I am over it compared to last time

To answer your previous question he’s now 30 and me and the gf are 29 but me and him was 22 and 23 when we first started talking/sleeping together
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As someone who can’t get a dog due to one very demanding job, I’m very much here for all the cat and dog pictures Yes to new puppies!


I’ll be frank, it seems like he has crawled back to you because he knows you are a kind and understanding person who won’t push him away. He might still have feelings for you, he might not — it’s difficult to tell but he is obviously trying to have his cake and eat it too. He should either stay with his girlfriend or get back together with you, stringing both you and the girlfriend along is unfair and cruel. You are clearly uncomfortable with this situation, and I don’t think any good can come out of this.
TL;DR I think both you and his girlfriend should just let him go, he seems to be playing some sort of unnecessary mind games and deceiving both of you.

I’ll be honest. I’m not a very angry or mad person. I’ve had a traumatic childhood which involved DV and with my job too I try and be calm and understanding. He kept saying he wanted me to call him a twat but refused too because that’s not me but I would challenge him when things don’t make sense

 

[TillyMiffin]

Bless you my lovely you are as kind and wonderful as ever
Before I start so much love to you @TillyMiffin you must be feeling so many emotions my love
It was a misunderstanding by me our little blip and since he’s really stepped up and is great. I know I have terrible relationship anxiety so thank you so much for the advice and I will certainly try that! I’m feeling sick tonight and there’s no reason to! We had an amazing night (aside from my cocking up breakfast haha) his parents love me and he’s got me a ticket for an event in March so I think it’s all good but I just search for the negatives and drive myself nuts!
Hope you’re ok my lovely? Xx

Thank you for your kind words it sounds like your man is doing all the right things! It’s incredibly hard when you’re naturally anxious around relationships, I’m the same! Xx

 

[IGiveUp22]

1) this is not just a red flag, it's a red boxing glove hitting you in the face

2) surely they've worked out that after using the same excuse since 300BC, we know they're lying

Block.

Honestly I didn’t even know that WhatsApp thing was even possibly?? I literally can’t think of any reason why you would want/need that on?

i know, I don’t think I believe it although would never actually say that. I mean tbh, I don’t really care. I was already feeling “meh” & now I’m feeling “meh” but holding hahaha

 

[Hi there]

What was your response to him @Clementine?
I replied to mine with wow that was a quick 180 turn!

 

[al255]

I think I am finally ready to get back on the dating apps. I am a single mum to an almost 4 year old. I went through a bad relationship break down with my child’s father. We are on good terms now but it took a lot of work and healing to get here.

I think my biggest struggle at the moment is literally putting together a good profile. I want it to be authentic but I’m not quirky or witty and every time I go to create it, I bail because I can’t think of what to write 🥹

Any suggestions or ideas to make it exciting and captivating?! I haven’t dated for 8 years between being with my ex and having my baby.

Thanks 🫶

mine said at the beginning I’ve got a 3 year old who comes first, if you’re not into someone who has kids then don’t match .. this filtered out ALOT of people who don’t want to date anyone with kids x

 

[BettyBeau]

I’ve just called it off with the guy I’ve been dating since January. As much as I try and convince myself, I can’t force myself to feel it. He’s typically everything I am looking for, can’t help feeling there is something wrong with me! He is communicative, good fun, plans nice things with me (we even went to Italy together last month), got his shit together and treated me well but it’s like something suddenly made me repulsed by him. poor fella. I knew things weren’t right because we were meant to be going to Edinburgh and I was thinking of every excuse to get out of it all week.

I do wonder if something in me just shuts off as soon as someone decent comes along

Nah you just got the ick

 

[SpindleWhorl]

I'm not a fan of well groomed, prefer rough tradie types